From worthlessness to worthy
Well, I am dealing with things thanks to the help of my counselor. But not every day is easy. I apparently do need to lay off the caffeine, even small amounts as the anxiety is just UP THERE.
So, one of the crazy things that has influenced my life is remembering my uncle say, even though he did not think I was listen, as it was said to my Grandparents at the lake, was “Jennifer will never amount to anything because she is exactly like her mother.” Now isn’t that some damn stupid thing to say about a 7 year old (I think I was about 7). People are ridiculous in what they say about children, thinking oh yeh, no big deal. WRONG!!!
Worse than anything is the affect that it has had on various parts of my life. Well……….. This I write, because I need to write it out, think about it, feel it and then say it out loud as a way to reprogram my thoughts. So, if anyone else cares, it is kind of neat. I felt it working, but it is not magic, so I see I will have to work at it more. This is the MOST IMPORTANT THING…. regardless of what one does in life, they are valuable, worthwhile and unique and they do not even have to do anything to receive respect. By the mere fact that they are a human being, they are worthy!
Before I explain this, there is something else that I want to share. This is what happens when things go a little wrong… like a wrong action, or a harmful experience or hurtful words. We represent a house and it is our space. Then surrounding ourselves is a fence with 2 doors East and West of the house. When we have a healthy experience generally growing up, the In Door allows good people/experiences in and the Out Door is for the Garbage (the not so good and the really bad people). When we have a really bad thing that happens or something that is heard, this creates a negative core belief and then those doors are reversed and only the bad is allowed in, creating more disfunction and the good is removed by our own choices. I love this vivid picture.
Ok, so this is how my therapist instructed me to do my homework.
Identify the gabage comment/behavior that has created that negative core belief.
Tell how I feel about it (she gave me an emotion sheet because apparently I lack the ability to express my feelings - that happens when children are told to stifle their emotions. Duh!) So I am angry about ______ because it affected me in this way ______.
I chose to forgive _____(name of the person) for _____(the words/actions) because it made me feel______ (the feeling). Holding on is NOT healthy for me though.
*feel the feelings*
Forgive that person! It is not healthy so that person must be forgiven. (I do not even hate that person. I love this relative, but I do hate that my self esteem has been shit. And the core belief began with that thought and then so many other experiences just supported it.)
Repeat as many times as neccessary. I chose to release it!
Begin to develop a new and healthy core belief. And that should begin with….. I am valuable and worthy just because I am Me!
Also, what are the good things I need to do? (answer)
“Let in the good, kick out the garbage!” - so my therapist says with such absolute! hehe
What I realised was this. I associate weight loss with success. And clearly this is not something I want to do. I do not believe it intellectually, BUT deep with in, I feel that. Anyways, I think I have sabbotaged myself with weight loss and career stuff because I did not ever feel I was worthy of doing good things for me. Wild! Anyways, since realising this, eating is easy. I just think Is that food worthy of me eating it? Or do I really want that food? And YOU KNOW WHAT I have eaten all kinds of foods, mostly healthy foods and the odd treat. But I feel excellent. Still have much to do with every other aspect of my life. yah!
I feel good. There is a little resistance within me, but I will push forward, because… I am worth the effort. *smiles*
What I have learned about being here at Buddyslim is this…. Because I could not feel good about myself, comments and boosters in a sense were not really believed or felt. OF course I appreciate, but the need for acceptance seemed almost like an addiction. So I might be an example of someone who does not do well at Buddyslim. I sure was lucky to connect with some sweet ladies though. THAT has been priceless! The reality for me is, I just need to see myself as someone who is worthy of risking failure and I just need to value me.
Food is effortless…. Just enjoyment and mostly healthy real food. With a sweet tooth that will always remind me, that it too would like a little fix now and then. But feeling myself as worthy makes the ability to make choices, simple. I bet this is not so simple, as this is me, afterall. lol. But I feel confident knowing I never have to be perfect. My main goal must be to value my unique self. All those times that I have sent out messages and boosters to Love Yourself…. I guess I was trying to convince myself of this as well as share something that I have always felt was the answer. To love yourself is everything. You then welcome goodness in and throw out the negative. And I may have to always work at this. That’s ok. :)
Peace and health to everyone.
The End.
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