Jennifer

Well, I am dealing with things thanks to the help of my counselor.  But not every day is easy.  I apparently do need to lay off the caffeine, even small amounts as the anxiety is just UP THERE. 

So, one of the crazy things that has influenced my life is remembering my uncle say, even though he did not think I was listen, as it was said to my Grandparents at the lake, was “Jennifer will never amount to anything because she is exactly like her mother.”  Now isn’t that some damn stupid thing to say about a 7 year old (I think I was about 7).  People are ridiculous in what they say about children, thinking oh yeh, no big deal.  WRONG!!! 

Worse than anything is the affect that it has had on various parts of my life.  Well………..  This I write, because I need to write it out, think about it, feel it and then say it out loud as a way to reprogram my thoughts.  So, if anyone else cares, it is kind of neat.  I felt it working, but it is not magic, so I see I will have to work at it more.   This is the MOST IMPORTANT THING…. regardless of what one does in life, they are valuable, worthwhile and unique and they do not even have to do anything to receive respect.  By the mere fact that they are a human being, they are worthy!

Before I explain this, there is something else that I want to share.  This is what happens when things go a little wrong… like a wrong action, or a harmful experience or hurtful words.  We represent a house and it is our space.  Then surrounding ourselves is a fence with 2 doors East and West of the house.  When we have a healthy experience generally growing up, the In Door allows good people/experiences in and the Out Door is for the Garbage (the not so good and the really bad people).  When we have a really bad thing that happens or something that is heard, this creates a negative core belief and then those doors are reversed and only the bad is allowed in, creating more disfunction and the good is removed by our own choices.  I love this vivid picture.

Ok, so this is how my therapist instructed me to do my homework. 

Identify the gabage comment/behavior that has created that negative core belief.

Tell how I feel about it (she gave me an emotion sheet because apparently I lack the ability to express my feelings - that happens when children are told to stifle their emotions.  Duh!)   So I am angry about ______ because it affected me in this way ______.

I chose to forgive _____(name of the person) for _____(the words/actions) because it made me feel______ (the feeling).  Holding on is NOT healthy for me though.

*feel the feelings*

Forgive that person!  It is not healthy so that person must be forgiven.  (I do not even hate that person.  I love this relative, but I do hate that my self esteem has been shit.  And the core belief began with that thought and then so many other experiences just supported it.)

Repeat as many times as neccessary.  I chose to release it!

Begin to develop a new and healthy core belief.  And that should begin with…..  I am valuable and worthy just because I am Me!

Also, what are the good things I need to do?  (answer)

“Let in the good, kick out the garbage!”   - so my therapist says with such absolute!  hehe

What I realised was this.  I associate weight loss with success.  And clearly this is not something I want to do.  I do not believe it intellectually, BUT deep with in, I feel that.  Anyways, I think I have sabbotaged myself with weight loss and career stuff because I did not ever feel I was worthy of doing good things for me.  Wild!  Anyways, since realising this, eating is easy.  I just think Is that food worthy of me eating it?  Or do I really want that food?  And YOU KNOW WHAT I have eaten all kinds of foods, mostly healthy foods and the odd treat.  But I feel excellent.  Still have much to do with every other aspect of my life.  yah!

I feel good.  There is a little resistance within me, but I will push forward, because… I am worth the effort.  *smiles*

What I have learned about being here at Buddyslim is this…. Because I could not feel good about myself, comments and boosters in a sense were not really believed or felt.  OF course I appreciate, but the need for acceptance seemed almost like an addiction.  So I might be an example of someone who does not do well at Buddyslim.  I sure was lucky to connect with some sweet ladies though. THAT has been priceless!   The reality for me is, I just need to see myself as someone who is worthy of risking failure and I just need to value me.  

Food is effortless…. Just enjoyment and mostly healthy real food.  With a sweet tooth that will always remind me, that it too would like a little fix now and then.  But feeling myself as worthy makes the ability to make choices, simple.  I bet this is not so simple, as this is me, afterall.  lol.  But I feel confident knowing I never have to be perfect.  My main goal must be to value my unique self.  All those times that I have sent out messages and boosters to Love Yourself…. I guess I was trying to convince myself of this as well as share something that I have always felt was the answer.  To love yourself is everything.  You then welcome goodness in and throw out the negative.  And I may have to always work at this.  That’s ok.  :)

Peace and health to everyone. 

The End. 

Yeh, Therapy.  Now was that so difficult to write?  No.  *smiles* 

I realise I have been going about this all the wrong way.  Concentrating on what to do food and exercise-wise, JUST HAS NOT WORKED.  How could that be?  Well my mind is very powerful.  I have seen highs and lows on the scale and then up again.   WHY?  Well it is this ball of glorious fat on my shoulders that is doing what it feels it needs to do.  Unfortunately, I need to unravel the thoughts within my mind so that I can achieve some great things this year.   I guess weight loss is one of those things, but it’s not even top 3, so I think it will be a consequence of feeling better about me and not a goal as I have always seen it.  Desired it.

It is this desire that I am suffering from too.  After taking another look at The Zen of Eating I am feeling a better about food but realise this will take some time.   Anyways, I know I need some help and weight loss can not be my first goal.  Working on me should be easy because I know exactly what I want and need to do.  But it’s not!  So I am going Inward.

I thought I could leave this therapy that I knew I was needing until after my studies, but some health problems that seem to have no physical solutions, may be linked to my thoughts - I think, and my doctor thinks.  I just did not want to have to deal as I am studying, but I think I have to get on this.  My body is reminding me really loudly that the time is now!  I better listen.  Besides, I have no choice.  I already have an appointment for next week…Ha!  As per usual, I am feeling excitement and fear.  But if I want to be more than I am, and I do even if some parts want to hold me back, then I have to just be fearless and move forward.

The craziest thing is, I have always felt like weight loss was the answer to everything.  Being overweight has just been a consequence of how I see myself, I think.  It is likely more, I just tend not to deal with the thoughts.  I want to just get it done!  That has not worked for me, however.  So, I am sure I will learn a lot about myself.  I hope my new therapist and I work well together.   I am really depending on this to help me grow.  *fingers crossed*  I have found much success from therapy before.  Infact, I kind of like it.  It helps me swim better…hehe.

No more me stopping me!  Just unpealing the many layers of me. 

For most people stress is a huge issue. This is because stress can prevent a person from performing to the best of their capabilities. This could really be detrimental in the work environment, school setting, even at home.

The good news about stress is that this condition is controllable. There are various ways a person can keep stress under control. It is just a matter of making the time and effort to incorporate some positive changes into a person’s daily routine.

Here are some stress reduction tips:

1. First of all, a person has to remember that they cannot always have their way all of the time. They can’t control what happens in life. They just have to learn how to take things in stride, and make the best out of the situation they find themselves in. Having a good attitude and a healthy perspective in life will help keep those worrisome thoughts at bay.

2. Exercise…exercise…exercise. Exercising is a great way to relieve stress. This physical activity is a great outlet for one’s frustration, anger, and negative energy. These are only some of the emotions that accompany stress. If these emotions stay pent up, it will increase a person’s stress level. Also, exercising releases a hormone called endorphins-which has been said to be responsible for promoting the feeling of euphoria, and alleviating physical pain.

3. Seek the help of others. There are times when one’s problems become too overwhelming. This is the time when the support of friends and family will save the day. Having someone to confide in will help individuals get the load off of their shoulders. Knowing that you have someone to turn to when nothing is going your way, and you feel that the world is against you will go a long away in battling stress and anxiety.

4. Set aside some time for yourself. A lot of times individuals get stressed because they have too many things going on at once that they do not leave any time for themselves to rest. Those who are always taking care of others to the point of neglecting themselves are specially guilty of this. Individuals should take some time off from their busy schedule to pamper themselves.

5. Get enough rest. Most individuals who suffer from stress do so because they do not get enough sleep. Ideally, a person should get 8 hours of sleep every night. Sleep is the time when the body restores itself. This is why those who do not get enough sleep at night often feels lethargic and sluggish in the morning. Taking a 15 minute power nap during the day will help energize the body. Those who feel listless, and tired all the time should make a special effort to include more resting time into their daily routine.

Stress is conquerable. It is just a matter of making some simple changes in one’s lifestyle that will make the difference. Individuals should do their best to create a balance between their resting time, work, and daily activities. This way, they will not end up stressed out by the end of the day. 

http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Stress-Reduction-Tips&id=223482

I loved the information that this questionaire provided me and so I share here.  Most have heard of this I think. 

My actual age is nearly 34, but my real age is 31.5.  I am convinced that it would have been higher if my exercise/activity was not so much a part of my life.  Just doing the things I love….

A long questionaire, but worth it…. like I should floss my teeth everyday and not just when there is annoying food in between my teeth which is something like 3-6 days a week.  No kidding.

http://www.realage.com/

Finding the good balance and prayers for all those who are in need.  

Today I pray for wisdom.  I pray that the doctors and specialists will be infused with much wisdom as they treat my Mom #2.  Just please help them and help her. 

What IS the best way to commit to not eating out for two months?  Well donate money to a worthy cause of course!  I am just so proud of Canadians for raising over 10 million in 12 hours for Haiti.   So much more will be needed of course.  And, my favorite performance of the night last night, MADONNA!!!  My goodness she IS a goddess!  No one else comes even close.

A woman who just goes for it !

I have thought about the last few months and how things have gone down.  Just not enough strength training and EATING OUT TOO MUCH.  I personally think it is impossible to lose weight even making good choices out.  It just does not come close to the prepared meals at home.  Some how even eating half is still too much whiteness in the form of bread, rice and sugar.  It is of course fine once in awhile…though not for a couple months!  Oy!  That rules out going out on my birthday…hehe.  C’est la vie!  *smiles*  

Goal this weekend:  to read The Shack while it storms and storms. 

AND some reverse psychology, I will be trying to eat EVERY night.  Or at least I am giving myself the option to eat when ever I want.  Just keeping my eye on the goal.  Healthy beautiful tight me!  One thing I have learned saying NO just leads me wanting.  So, tells myself, go ahead, eat after supper….. bring on the temptation!  lol

Oh yeh baby, yeh baby, off to do some early AM strength training.  With this new found exertion, appetite is back!!!   And I appreciate the shaping of my legs.   Vanity prevails….lol.   I am my own hobby.  BUT, there is much to do, so getting to it.

I ate a bit rich yesterday, but eating out was a near necessity.  We traveled to my Grandma’s funeral and for many reasons this was hard.  I felt the emotional eating creeping in and I did all right because I was at least aware of portions.  I am sure many would say, it is one day, but it never is something I can let go of.  I have emotional eating tendancies and I take notice as I do not define myself as an emtional eater!  No!  I just let it be.  No mountains out of mole hills and no guilt.  Food can be a comfort sometimes, but it does not have to become an issue.  That is how I am looking at things.  I ended up eating to really nourish my body and in a time of stress, that is likely the best thing I could likely do for my health.  No sweets today though.  Yesterday it was culturally acceptable and appropriate, but now that I am alone, I just do not want to continue eating for those lonely reasons.  

Yes, I began my day with a bite of puffed wheat cake, but that is it.  Leave it to me to come up with a recipe that does not involve corn syrup because this I have never purchased in my life.  Oy!  I am so damn create with ingredients it is scary!  Tis the Fatgirl in me I swear!  lol

So, The Red Team on BL?  Did she drink a couple liters of water before weigh in or does she have some kind of metabolic issue?  I know that subclinical thyroid issues are often not detected.  But what is her story?  Did she fake it or is she really struggling?  I can not WAIT until Tuesday!!!  Gotta have my weekly crack! 

Also, I am curious how many Canadians want to do the pound for pound challenge on BL.  All ya gotta do is type in a zipcode and mine was for some food bank in Queens NY.  Hehe… I wanted to pledge too!!  :P  

All right…. I am struggling.  There is no doubt about it.  This week I am working on eating more seasonally.  Less cooling foods.  Hearty meals that are in portions cause it is cold here and eating like it is summer time may not be what my body needs.  I am sadened by not being able to lose and I know I have not been eating enough lately.  It is just too few calories.  So, *sigh* I feel a little defeated………… Points.  I need to do points to see if that will help me eat more and get my metabolism revved!!!  And strength training along with other activities to keep me active and motivated.

I tried Fitday for a few days and  it’s a little time consuming, but worth the effort to see what was going in.   I saw that I was eating a bit too much fat - good fat, but fat nonetheless, but also realised my calories were quite low.  SO……… I am going to attempt positivity with huge dash of healthy foods, few more calories and activity.  I am weighing in soon.  Just want to feel some progress before I step on any damn scale.    

AND WHY am I doing this?  Why do I care?  It has come into my head lately that this is all vanity.  And I do not really want this in my life.  But I have another damn goal!  I HAVE CLOTHES IN MY CLOSET THAT DO NOT FIT.  I want my clothes to fit ! That is the goal.  No desires to be a skinny chick.  I just want to be able to wear what I have.

Is there some kind of emotions that are holding me back because this has been going on for too long ???  Something for me to think about.  Thank you Jillian!

It’s great to have a goal, cause I would not be doing strength training and pilates without that picture of my bridges.  It would just like, “oh it is Saturday, I do not want to move.”  But with a goal comes a little dedication, so that is a good thing.  Tomorrow, cardio!

Got myself a good little sign of where my flexibility is at the other day when I did pilates for the first time.  YIKES.  And all the weight has apparently deposited itself on my behind, because the Jacknife and the Roll Over I CAN NOT DO!  A little frustrating at the time, but I know with some consistancy, that flexibility and ability will be there again.

I feel a little vulnerable and small right now.  The many things that death reveals to me  are weakness, regret, old memories good and bad, but mostly good, and also how it’s important to really live.   I am really thankful for all those years of caring for the elderly because I can see the beauty in death.  That is, when it is an older person who passes away.  It is hard to see loved ones go, but it’s one of life’s little blessings that all things are renewed. 

Bodies change…… Today I am accepting that with a little time and a lot of time, this body will never be as it is now.  And so with that thought, I will take a little pride in me and do the best that I can with my choices and actions.  Enjoying too, because in 50 years, it will not matter one bit if I was perfect (boring!) or if I enjoyed my moments.

Yesterday was for the thinking, today is for the living……

But if I could, I would not have wasted time putting off a visit.  Everything is unknown.  

Therapy time…. pilates….. stretching my muscles.

Thank you Kimmi.  *hugs*  Your advice helped me to feel human instead of cold and lost.

Sometimes you just have one of those days where it starts out rough.  But these days will make us stronger, yes?

Somedays you feel like your heart is just breaking into so many different pieces it is virtually impossible to know how to put it back to gether.  No amount of antioxidant rich foods could mend a thing, because everything in life seems so complicated.  There is no one way to be and there is no formula for health.  No matter what, things will be and we must adjust accordingly with good choices.  Maybe even poor choices, but choices nonetheless.

Well maybe Love IS the answer.  Positivity and relaxation can go a long way towards mending, but in the end Love is the thread.

I do believe I am in love and it took a good scare to remind me to take care of myself.  Feel the residing strength and live!

Fear will never hurt my heart again!  I won’t let it !!!

Did not weigh in and I do not care~!   All that matters is making good choices or choices and staying positive.   Now this goes a long way towards healing my spirit and mind.  The body will come….

-Peace and Relaxation

Sometimes you just have to take time to feel what is real.

Where others are absent, there is still one friend and she is deserving.

Looking up today…

So it never fails, a tragedy occurs in the world and I am feeling it in my somewhat usual ways.  Such a helpless feeling to see those poor people in Haiti.  Just so sad!  We all do what we can do.  I am going to donate blood (even if this will not affect those in Haiti) and donate what little I can to the Red Cross.  It is just such a helpless feeling to feel those and then still not even have one clue because you have NEVER experienced anything so devasting.  Thoughts and prayers are with the many suffering over there.

SO, today I was in a little funk to begin my day….. the news, cleaning before eating breakfast and maybe going a bit hypoglycemic, perhaps, who knows for sure?  Will get in my light workouts through the day.  I am spacing it out.  Just absolutely ridiculous a forward/post/study that was sent out saying that the overweight need to work out at crazy intense levels inorder to see results.  Just moving more and getting in reasonable workouts and making personal adjustments is great for starters.  People know when they need to pick up the tempo because the results are not coming.  Just wish we would innately believe that we do know what to do for ourselves.  I think so anyways.  Or maybe something happens to motivate. ???  This has been weighing a bit heavy on my mind and I needed to release it……   Ahhhh….. peace.  (Twas good to wait and not write my thoughts the other day when I was really ticked.  Somethings are better left until less irritated I find.)

I KNOW some people want to be pushed harder, like on Biggest Loser, but I still think that people should not have to be told that they have to try and kill themselves in order to see results.  Just ridiculous.  And, my opinion.  Though, I still watch the damn show like it’s crack!  :P   In my head I’m not a hypocrit.  Just wish Moderation was as popular as so many other things sometimes.  Oooh… pop some moderation.  *swallow*

Weighing in tomorrow does not seem so important to me.  I just do not feel like eating really.  The images maybe are affecting this or maybe the thought of others so hungry.  Light foods seem ok, but anything heavy seem so appauling to me.   So, I just do not care about the scale.  I know, not exactly the right feelings to have or attitude as I want to stay alert and be functional especially for my studies.  I will just do my best.      

David says I need to listen to more music and get out my head.  He is right of course.  Found some good tunes, so that is good.

I am not as down as the words seem to sound.  Just needed to get this post out of the way.  I feel less heavy.  And I will not let my energy plummet!  That and read this complete module are the goals for today. 

Peace & Prayers….