Jennifer

I have been doubting myself all my life and of course this also spill into eating.  I have struggled so much with diet and what is right or what is maybe not so ideal for weight loss/health and then finally through the help of a friend and by listening to my inner self with the help of my friend Paul (lol…he feels like a friend now as I listen to his CD every day), I know what is right for me.  Nothing a little light hypnosis won’t cure!  Well it has for me.  *knocks on wood*  Well I am always dramatic and excited about something that is working.  But eating only when hungry, stopping when content and enjoying the foods I want to eat, real food, is just working.  There is a freedom that I have never experienced.  My mind is quiet, at least with food anyways.  I have been searching for a type of wisdom that is outside of me and Paul McKenna helped me to find this strength in me.  I followed his principles before (I can make you thin… kind of laughable just to write the words) but I did not have the tools/book or the CD so I gave up.  His words now spill into me everyday and they will as he suggests, for 2 weeks.  What a change!

This AM I was stressed but it was a different feeling.  I felt it while I prepared some homemade garlic herb foccacia bread topped with Kalamata olives.  Kneading the dough was a good help too…hehe.   And the stress disappeared and the peace came back.   No matter what happens outside of me, I always have the will to find my center, feel me and do what is right for me.  And so each food I eat is an offering of peace and energy and it is savoured of course with out judgement.  It just IS.  And this is something I pray sticks.  It is natural and it is with out bullshit brainwashing.  Still there will always be a part of me that knows that fruit and flax oil are better choices then simple sugar and potato chips.   And the body will crave fat in any form when it needs the helpful fats.   Still when I have those delights, my goal is to treat them as such and not criticize.  Only the body knows what is true.  Says my teaching self to my student self.

It is funny how the fear of the loss of someone special or not losing fat can make you do incredibly stupid things.  Blah! 

“In Buddhism, there is a practice called “Touching the Earth” that can help us realize our wish to generate the energies of love, compassion, joy, and equanimity. During the practice, we touch the Earth deeply six times, surrendering ourselves to the Earth and to our own true nature. We touch the Earth with our forehead, our two legs, and our two hands, so that our mind and body form a perfect whole, allowing us to tanscend our small self. We surrender our pride, notions, fears, resentments, and even our hopes, and enter the world of “things as they are.” Touching the Earth is an effective yogic practice. We return to our own source of wisdom and are no longer separate and apart from our Mother Earth.”

-From Teaching Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh

Just listening to Black Uhuru’s Party Next Door.   Nothing feels as sexy as music that just makes you move with seemingly no effort.  Fun.

….the number until I reach my mini goal.  One down.

Strength Contract will be completed by tomorrow, though I did not exercise everyday, no kidding, I did all right.  Posted on a previous blog.

Onward and hopefully downward with a renewed interest in pilates and yoga.  I am looking into taking a class, one or the other.  Will see about the cost and types.  But this will be something I do that is outside my comfort box.  Until I take a class I have a stack of DVDs to help create my body.

One cool thing, when I started here at BS I bought an on-sale satin camosole that I was sure would fit and it did not.  Well it sat in my drawer for a long time, then last week I tried it on for shits and giggles and wow, it is no longer tight around my rib cage.  IT FITS!  I am stoked!  :P  Yah for good surprises.

Most things that happen are really just not worth fretting over.  This week I work even a little more on not sweating the small stuff.

Who says you can’t send a booster note to yourself….lol  Well technically you can’t, but it is the little things we do for ourselves and the positive affirmations to ourselves.  Or even last week when I took note of what I wanted to say to myself and I said I wanted to avoid the negative words in my head.  All these things matter.  And I was not perfect at keeping the negative out.  But I have some new tricks up my sleeve.  Nothing will stop me from creating my best self in mind, body and spirit.  But my efforts come with a gentle touch and this is most soothing to me.

So, my countdown to my mini goal is on.  WW is good again.  It seems fresh and though I know it will bug me at some point, I am putting my big girl panties on (they still are fun though) and remembering to love myself, enjoy life and adhere to portions.  Of course the points were over this weekend and I enjoyed a little TOO much.  But even going over a little, ok a lot is still better then watching things skid completely off the path meal after meal.  This week more Balance and listening to my hunger.  This week I reward my body with healthy choices.  I am such a broken record!!!!

I want to give thanks for all that this body does for me and want to show it, good eats and respect.  This past week was such a scary week with the loss of Michael Jackson and it has had me thinking about my Grandmother whom I never met.  She died of heart problems when my Mom was 13 years old and sometimes lately I feel my heart is sad and over stressed.  So I am going to take note of my body signals and intuitively do what is best for me.

I use to do the unusual things, the fun things and did not care about anything that people thought.  Well I have wilted a bit and this week is about picking myself up and daring myself to be that person who just rocked her world.  So I dare myself to do the extraordinary and really think of this week as my last.  What would I do if it was my last?   Working on those fears, those fears that keep me all locked up and in pain.

Life is too short to sweat the small and it is all too short to not live… Repetition is good for memory…lol

I posed a question to myself about how I could be accountable to drop a couple and feel better.  Well I just enjoyed my food, tried to eat moderately, worked out when I could and stopped when I felt I needed, enjoyed a mini home spa and followed some good wisdom both from a friend and from my inner self.

Wishing everyone a great week.

Tappy tap tap tap!    Beating to my own drum……

Earl grey tea cheers to you !

Ms Melissa is my favorite on So You Think You Can Dance.  Perhaps it is because she is the oldest and looks so fabulous.  Anyways she has got me thinking about what I also prefer in terms of activity - pilates.  I just am not enjoying certain things.  Maybe it’s too much of an unstructured thing or maybe I feel the need for different.  Shocking.  So I want to give pilates a real go and maybe see what kind of a WonderMe I sculpt.  I have no high expectations, just want to go light and enjoy.   So, it was a light month of just doing what I thought my body needed in the moment, but I plan to do pilates mainly.  I notice results so quickly with pilates.  Why not make it my go to activity?  And so that body of Melissa’s may have made me remember what I love, pilates, but it is me who only expects enjoyment through out the activity.  And if a semi-hard ass should be created, that is just fine with me.   Relaxing and effective.

Funny how I find the Best things in the most unusual places.  Funny how I learned by listening to myself the best thing for relaxation or recalling something I read not too long ago .  SHUT OFF the negative messages!  No more sad sad messages from the outside world.  You just have to take a rest!  And shuttie-up.  I just take too too much in too often.

There are very few things I enjoy more then listening to Josh Groban or James Blunt and just being with me and the pilates movements.  I think it makes the slight pain in my butt not so uncomfortable.  lol  And so Oscar and I discover the blissful perfection in  the form of our favorite sound - Josh!   Completely relaxed !!!   Hehe…. Oscar actually, I am not kidding, my cat,  loves listening to Josh Groban as much as I do.  *smiles*

Bliss.

That is the number to lose to reach my mini goal.  And this could be my goal, I am not sure.  But how hard can 16 pounds be???

Ticker is adjusted.

I am trying to work Weight Watchers (24-30 pts) and Intuitive Eating.  Ahh just a little like opposites… Also easy on the treats.  My ass and my mind are not loving the sugar!

Trying to be more consistant with the activity.

Emotions!  What the hell can I say about this?  May have to ask a friend about some techniques she has found helpful.  It is time to start talking I think.  I can not do it by myself anymore.

Monday is my weigh in until I decide that is the stupidest day to weigh in.  lol  Once a week has GOT to be better than numerous times a week.

Also: waist-33inches, hip-43inches and thigh-25inches (George will be arriving soon….explaining some excess in inches and emotions.)

Question that I will answer Monday when I weigh in:  What did I do to be accountable to myself and for myself???

Somedays it seems that I do not even have the ability to stop myself.  I know why things seemed so easy before, but I want to be that person who lives like a healthy individual in mind and body.  Anyways a lot of things are going well and a few things are not going to so well, so I am taking a couple minutes to reflect today, not half a day or a whole day, and just try and get back to it.

I know the importance of enjoying the food and taking pride in the preparation of the food.  *check*

Keeping active is more important then avoiding all sweets.  *check*

And, what am I struggling with ?  Oh yeh….  WHY WHY WHY, did that get in the way?  Things were going so well.  No matter how much I try and think things will be okay if I just try and let it go, it never goes away.  Maybe it is time to talk to someone.  But you know, then there is The I DO NOT want to make a big deal out of things.  Why can’t my mind let things go?

I was considering weighing in soon and I can not decide.  I guess that is accountability, but how I am living and being is the issue.  More so then the scale.  For so long I just focussed on the weight and then it seemed okay to forget about everything else and there is A LOT of other things.  Could it be that if I stopped being consumed by numbers and “becoming better” and that if I work on the spiritual and mental me, that I might heal the emotional eater in me?  On these blue days I still think I will always struggle with chosing a healthier option for my meals.  I just can’t say that eating a junky breakfast is okay when I know it will just make the emotions worse.  So today I put on my sexy night elf gear and face life.

Just dru id !  

Special goal today:  I will try my very best to not think negative thoughts or say anything that is not productive. Try this one again.  I will do my best to think and say positive and productive words.

So I always wonder, what is best for me?  Should I aim to eat really complex and delish meals and be satisfied (who has the time??) or just eat simple and healthy and possible be left wanting?

Well I think the answer for me lies in between.

I was inspired by the menu on The View’s site where one of the lady is trying to lose some weight for a bathing suit showing on TV.

http://www.theview.tv/blog/sherris-bathing-suit-challenge-diet-week-2#comments

I want to be satisfied, yet not completely involved in creating masterpiece meals.

B- Fresh fruit salad - blueberries, apricot, banana, cherries, pineapple….(little later) beef slices wrapped in butter lettuce leaves (hit of mustard and black pepper)

L- sweet potato fries w/ olive oil, Johnnys seasoning, little ranch dressing, Franks hot sauce and nutritional yeast sprinked after cooled, salad and veggies- THIS WAS BLISS, omg!

S-1/2 a Clover Leaf Fresh Thai Herb tuna w/ a large salad, flaxseed oil, Renes Japanese style dressing, rice noodles

Treat-  almond milk “mocha” with Caflib and stevia, yummy rice crispy cake with extra marhmellows, jelly candies

s-  Earl grey tea, Brazil nuts, rice cakes, goji berries,

Not feeling super well today when I woke up so eating lighter is best.  And seeing all that blue cheese in those recipes on that site, DID NOT HELP.  
I bet I feel a lot less bloated tomorrow!!!  I have been eating more meat and wheat and I feel  like a whale.  So today’s meat total is about 3 ounces.  No wheat for awhile.

I feel like talking positive is the only way to be positive, so it comes across as this is how I am.  Well those who know me, know I am anything but.  But I still come here because it is my only place to vent about my thoughts and concerns with regards to this weighiness.  :P  And I am glad I have not abandoned this because it is for me.  Regardless of certain things, this is still for me.

So I come here first.  I will not go to the freezer once for any cookie dough this week.  I will focus on my task at hand even though I feel completely stupid not understanding these ridiculous articles for my assignments.  I will let myself feel what ever emotions today and the sugary “foods” and cookie dough are not my go to’s.  I know it is that time of the month so I have these facts to bring me some ease.   I am not going nuts!  Oh goodie!!!  And here I thought it might be a cool way to have a vacation.  Oh grief, keep or dispose of the sarcasm???  Tough one….

Why did I make cookie dough yesterday?  I did not even over indulge.  David and I shared a couple and it was all good.  Now I have the rest frozen.  Do I like to torture myself?  Well clearly I had a craving and did not feel like denying myself.  Well it matters not now.  They are there and I am not eating them.  But, it was so close, early this AM.  I was looking at my assignment and they were calling me.  I looked at the computer and thought of Buddyslim and myself, my goals.  I felt that intense urge to move towards the dough, but no.  I chose to write this pathetic little blog that turns out, saved me for a bit.

Off to face the music of how I am studying for this crumby little course and have no idea what will come next.  Whatever, boo hoo.  First things first, this assignment that plagues me.  Then we will go from there.

The goal today is 3 good meals.  Will work out before or after lunch.  Whatever.  I will just do it.  Assignment.  No laundry or other things that will cause me lose focus.

How sad is it that the only thing I am looking forward to this week is walking in the rain and watching So You Think You Can Dance?   lol

Ok, everything will be all right……….  Concert was great, I did not over drink and it is a new week to do great things, even little great things.

Note to self: Do not let anything big or small overwhelm.   Breathe, feel my moment and become aware of the simple and essential pulse.  In the moment of stress, NOTHING is as important as regaining that relaxation and peace.  Then back to it !

Second Note:  I will not throw out the cookie dough.  I will not make an enemy out of them.  THEY are not my problem!  So many gems I have collected in this weight loss journey from some smart buddies. 

Off to complete todays goals…..

Peace.

A Tip: No eggs in the house at this time, but I still made cookies.  A perfect substitution for an egg,  1 egg= 1 teaspoon of flaxseeds blended well with 1/4 cup of water.  These are small amounts and of course you can not get it all out of the blender, so just a little bit more of the flax and water, blend well and measure it out into the 1/4 c.  This just works wonderful.  I have done this with cookies and breakfast muffins.

Strength, Courage, Talent, Warrior, Beautiful Woman

“Hopefully I’m better. I’ve evolved.”  -Bif Naked

Crash and Burn - “We get what we deserve …. You’re a star / But nothing about you shines.”

Yes, there’s truth and honesty from chaos and pain and when you can come out the other side stronger, then maybe that’s the purpose of this all.  Many brilliant people say this, so just maybe…. *little laugh*

Again, I come back to this feeling that’s exploding from me and lighting up everything around me.  I fight it and I want to look all pretty, and I feel imperfect.  Oh yeh, somethings matter and somethings don’t.  Get over my f**king self, I tell my other self.  NOTHING that others say matters.  All good things come to those who just do and those who believe !  Telling and hearing is never believing though and this is so hard.  Believing has to come from somewhere and if I just hear from within one more time, I might snap.  I’m not fully sure about this believing, but it seems hot, fragrant and as real as my Earl Grey Tea….just not sure how to get a grasp on it.   I’ll just take it all in and…be.

Off to the concert tonight and I am so happy because I just feel so incredibly lucky.  I appreciate all that I have.

“Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

“A good traveler has no fixed plan, and is not intent on arriving.”

“If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be truly fulfilled.”

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”

- Lao-tzu

“All the Buddhas of all the ages have been telling you a very simple fact: Be - don’t try to become. Within these two words, be and becoming, your whole life is contained. Being is enlightenment, becoming is ignorance.”

OSHO

May 29 – 30 min. of free weights, 20 min. jog in spot

28 – not feeling well

29 – 20 min. f. w. (light)  - blah I am counting it

30 – trampoline 15, Elliptical 15, T35, E25, crunches, mini golf J

31 -  walk w/ David around the river and mall (total walking time – 2 hrs)

June 1 – T25, E30, various strength exercise and other – 15min

2 – E35, pilates butt & thigh

3 – E30, Strength 30

4 – T45 (25 w/ 2 5s), pilates butt & high, mini golf

5 – heavy weight/low reps, leg strength ex’s, crunches, etc.(30+)

6 – mind was everywhere, BUT not on exercise L no good reason

7 – Get Ripped (50+)

8 – E30

9 – nadda

10 – T/E 60., walk 40 – would call the trampoline mre of a strength wkout then a cardio

11- heavy weight b4 cardio (2-15s), E30 w/ 5s for 20 min.

12 – E20

13 – pilates butt & thigh

14 – nadda

15 – free weights, pilates, E25 w/5s *

16 – Elliptical w/ increased resistance 45

17 – E30

18 – E41, free weights, E19

19  - 1 hr & 45 min. walk, free weights ~15 min.

20 – Hard Body Yoga ~60

21-  nadda

22 – E15

23- T20

24 – nadda

25- E25, light weights for 5 min

26- crunches, pilates 30 min, deadlifts

27- Hard Body Yoga

28- nadda

29- E30, pilates, crunches

30- Hard Body Yoga

* This was a win win day.  Did not feel well the day before and did not feel well that AM, but I knew why I felt crappy.  I over indulged over the weekend.  So because I was feeling well in the afternoon, I worked it.  A great day and one of those days I could have just let go because the previous days had been so off really.  Yah for me.  *pats self*

Not thinking a lot about exericse, just trying to do it!  lol  And get in the strength - 3x/wk.