Jennifer

Well this is just a valuable tool. I have to say, it is brilliant. Journaling makes me more committed and is down right necessary for me in those stressful times and then for days after. It has been more likely to keep me on track and when I do not do it, like I did not do it over the past weekend and then did not do it through out the week, I just put whatever into me with out a lot of care. I mean there is something to be said for committing to the journal. When you have to write the food down, you then have to decide if you are really hungry and if you really want to see it on the paper and feel it in you. Though last night a small Pumpkin Pie Blizzard was necessary and was big enough! Hehe….. So glad I did not go for the medium.

I do not like junk, but I still enjoy my treats. I do not like putting it in my body on a regular basis. However, if I have been a good little dieter (lol… um, last night was therapy I had with the DQ treat) and want a treat JUST BECAUSE, well that is when I really enjoy something treat-like. It also makes me more aware of what I should be eating on a day when there is an function, a party, a restaurant outing. With the knowledge of points and of course nutrition it is evident that on one of these special days, one needs to adjust there intake at other meals. Well it is evident to me now because I have seen the effects of eating one high calorie meal/snack whether it is a restaurant, take-out or an at home meal, one right after another. I use to consume huge amount of calories and of course only to have the scale go up. Well our bodies only need so much to function and I have felt myself eating too much lately.

Why I eat too much sometimes is not what I am dealing with. I know why and talking about it does not help. But ACTION is very much appropriate because I will not lose site of the “finish” line. Well I have a goal here and I am so close. That is not to say it will be the end for me. I have some tweaking to do and this part excites me. Every time I see a little more muscle tone I am thrilled. I LOVE my back. Vanity prevails! Weights/strength training never thrilled me when I was overweight and in fact it bored me to death. Well now I LOVE IT!

Lizzy commented that I look like I do not even need to lose anymore. Well fat does not often place itself evenly on our bodies. It is not evenly proportioned on me anyways *sigh*. Going to give you a visual all right - I can pinch about 3 inches of fat/skin (6 depending how you look at it) on my legs. Well I am not depressed. Far from it. My health is better so who cares if it takes some time to have the nice legs. I am here as I always say, and not there. Incidentally, I put up a before picture from grade 12. Yes, that is me on the left.

So Food Journaling is like a great sports bra. There is just no other support like it. Well, Buddyslim is highly supportive too, but you get what I am saying. For the out of control, journaling is a blessing and a learning experience. When I committed to 15 days of journaling I was so happy. Well that was the end of my journal. Last night I bought another one and have just started with it again. It is so nice - It has flowers and a little bird on the cover…hehe Like exercise, I see journaling like a pill. It’s just good medicine for me. I know one of my buddies, Inna is journaling and I think it is working out for her too.

I also want to say a big “hi” to a friend who reads my blog. I really hope that you Ang will know that this site is the most empowering tool I have found. The people in our lives often do not get the weight loss thing. But everyone here gets it, you know? Plus there is no embarrassment. Well, I have had some difficult times, but that is because I have a big voice sometimes. But for the most part, this is the most effective tool and friendly place I have ever known. Maybe you might feel good here too. But, it is up to you. No pressure. Since I have been here, I have needed to tell people about it because it would be selfish not to. I have told people because I love them. No one likes to feel disempowered in their lives! Power is everything and I believe it begins with taking the first big step. I tell myself even now that I am here, everyday is a great day to start. Sometimes it seems so scary (I can think of things that are) but eventually you come to a place where you just start. Closer and closer……

Thanks for the picture Ang and Kathy You both sent me the same forward.

And my thoughts go out to Kathy and her Mom, Julie and their entire family. Kathy is being all strong and reassuring everybody that all will be well. They had such a scare with that accident, but it makes you thankful for everything big and small…Thankful for realizations and real life hugs….. piles of leaves and fresh air.

Have a great weekend everybody.

Off for my Earl Grey tea…………….

I have figured out some of my triggers. That is the key to not overdoing it hey? We just have to identify and not give in. I am a little afraid that I will give in. But next Friday, not tomorrow, I weigh in.  I will aim for a good week. Nope, I am not aiming for perfection, but I sure as hell am going to give it my all. I am fighting the urges tonight. This is just where I am at. I have to avoid. I can not give in once. I have read on here often about how people just have to just stay away from the first food because it leads to more. Did not really understand because I forgot what this is like. But I remember that feeling now. Just keeping busy tonight….. a walk and some jumping in some leaves I do believe is in order…hehe

I am putting it back up, because too many people thought they sounded harsh…. Good grief woman we are woman aren’t we! Hehe  No worries please.  I just felt like I was depressing.  Anyways, it is all good.  Promise!  I do not feel bad any more.

[Grey/Black] No matter how I look at the last few days, I have been stressed. I think I have been handling, but I still am turning to food and then getting depressed. I hate thinking about christmas. What a screwed up day! Family is just another word for f***ed up in my world. No matter which family - David’s or mine. What a fit we are! Really, actually. The weekend was stress no matter how big my rose colored glasses were. Jesus they are like a circus act on crack I swear. They work well or as well as they can because everyone in the family gets each other, but both offspring are well “affected”. I think David is more adjusted then me, but like how does he not go postal? I too come from divorce and I never thought it was weird or hard. Never. It was my normal. My normal is not feeling like I have anything real. It is a family of lies, blinders and resentment. I feel nothing like love. I feel obligation. Does anyone want to know how it is that I can be so genuinely thoughtful and concerned on this site? Well it is simple. I like distance for the most part. I can love those who are further away and care more. This is me here, because in my world I have to be fake and pretend that I want to call my Mom and tell her my christmas list. So I do not want to be around people and yet am afraid to be alone. Talk about complications in a world that seems more surreal accept that the confusion creates some real depression and binging. I want to stop the insanity and I am not seeking answers. I just felt like I might explode if I did not release this trash in my head. THIS IS WHAT I KNOW…… FOOD IS NOT THE ANSWER! There have been people who have reached their goal and they seem to put on the faces of strength and success. Don’t give in to the food. Well I find this to be a hard thing. It is all easy until I am feeling alone, sad and scared. We have to make it stop. I have not seen the me I have been in the last 2 nights since I was in high school. That freaks me right out! When I reach goal, I have a picture of myself I will post at my heaviest and I do not feel so far from her when I look back to these nights. It is hard to explain.

I did not sleep so well last night. I learned that my old roommate/friend’s (we are not as close as we use to be) Mom was in a pretty serious car accident. Though she will be fine, I am so shaken. Julie is one of the best human beings I know and she would give anything for her family. She is the best mama bear I know and nothing would stop her from protecting her cubs. There are some really cool families out there and this is one of them. I am so thankful that this world still has this woman. I do not have the same relationship as I once did with my friend. She and I are really so far from each other in our understanding of things, but parts of me would die if she lost her Mom. I feel so small in the whole scope of things. What are my problems really? Why the hell would I chose food in that way? Life is so precious and so fragile, maybe I can make some better choices. We only have this life to do what we can with it. Ok, we have to screw up to learn. But there are not always so many chances to make things right. Why argue about bullshit when under slightly different circumstances it would be completely meaningless! We are incredibly on the wrong track sometimes. But somehow I found at least some light. There is some clarity now because I got rid of some of the words and found others.

I am ok.

I have a buddy on my list and she reached her goal and I thought, “wow is she thin!” And I guess by looking at my pictures one might think this too. I am 5′8″ and have always carried my weight pretty well even when I was high on that scale. Heaviness no matter how you look can still be way to much weight on the joints though. So I see my pictures and I am not blind, I see bones, good grief! So I guess I am working on my legs more in balance with all aspects of good fitness. I have excess weight and skin still on my legs and it may take time beyond my goal weight. That is fine. I just thought I would address this. I do not feel the need to hide my boniness. I heard this weekend from that perhaps bulimic relative that she wears clothes to hide these features. Well, I shall not hide. Rather I am just going to work on things in a healthy patient way. It can seem so hard when you seem so close, but I commit to doing things healthy and not becoming obsessive. I could completely feel myself going in that direction (ED) when I was around her. I mean I felt bad for wearing my tighter jeans after some of her comments. We must address this because weight loss does NOT have to mean obsessive and unhealthy behavior. Having a goal is one thing, but getting all weird with our selves has to be addressed and dead-headed !!! Just some random thoughts

I had a little slip up yesterday. With a little stress, and there has been a bit in the last 4-5 days, it was the wrong time for me to forget my B6 vitamin yesterday AM. Bad girl! lol My whole day was great until last night when I turned into a Twink and loaded up on carbs and too much fat (good and bad and too much!). No guilt. Shit happens. I am aware of what the trigger was and though that is no excuse, it does explain things a little. Anyways, all is well. Today is a better day and it is all semi-planned with work. I will record my intake here just for shits and giggles (lol…. I wish I made that up, but it is from a movie… “shits and giggles”) and return if anything changes.

Intake:

Breakfast- Shake: 3/4 c frozen unsweetened cranberries, 3/4 c blueberries, about 1 T. fresh ginger, 2 T. flax seeds, water (vitamins, including my B6 !), …….Chlorella

Snack- 1/3 c oatmeal sweetened with cinnamon, 1 c. of a shake I made for David - water, pomegranate juice, protein powder, flax, blueberries, cherry yogurt (w/splenda)

Lunch- Veggies, open faced veggie sandwich with veggies, 1 oz. of Colby cheese, pickle, mustard/yogurt/dill dressing, 1 c. homemade carrot/sweet potato soup, (did not have the yogurt b/c I felt full), green tea

Snack- apple, red pepper, Vega, Ca. supplement

Supper- 3 oz salmon steak, 1/2 c. lentil curry, veggie salad (many different kinds, no lettuce), Earl Grey tea

I BINGED !!!

I am giving myself complete freedom these days to know that 28 is likely where I function best with my activity. That is 1400-1500 calories and specifically my metabolism may function optimally here. But I am still “listening” for that hunger and feeding it. Also, this is enough carbs to keep me thinking well, functioning, feeling happy and so anymore points/food will come from protein… well that is the plan. No more thoughts about last night. The Twink has left the building!

Activity: 30 minutes on the elliptical, free weights & leg lifts (about 30 minutes), walk to work (40 minutes)

Actual Workout: 30 minutes of the elliptical, 15 minutes of free weights and leg lifts (hopes to do more later after work… we will see.) and I will walk 40 minutes.

ALL GOOD WORDS, BUT I BINGED….. Moving on!

It is so great to be home.

I was so reassured and happy to see that Oscar was so calm and good this weekend when I was gone. Apparently he was a nut the first night when he stayed with some friends.

I really felt good about having healthy snack choices on hand. I came home with many of them, but it was good to eat the perishables like the veggies and fruit. It was nice to have options. I also enjoyed some different things that I would not make and felt good about my choices.

I did not always have my 3 meals and snacks at the normal times, but all in all, when I was hungry I tried to just have a nimble of something. I ate late both nights. That is just the way things worked out. I was not worried or anything. It is good to know when to go with the group and then also when to make individual choices for me. I was content and pleased. I was at ease !!! For the most part. I also enjoyed some nice wines. I tried a little Scotch holy hell! I had it with water. One part Scotch and like four parts water, damn! I am good now. No need to drink that stuff again…hehe. I think it must have been the Big Band music that relaxed me enough to just be me. I do not try things like I use to. I mean I am reading much into this, but it was cool to be open and happy and adventurous…. I WAS ME !!!!

I think I likely maintained ??? The scale seems to be smiling at me. Sweet.

There are some family issues that are making me uneasy, but I suppose I am feeling the need to address and then know that I have to live and let live. I am all cryptic hey? Simple: I think a family member is bulimic and so I eased into the topic with her and then asked her if she was bulimic? Most importantly I told her that I care about her. Our issues with stress and food are so complex. Knowing when to do what when is something I think we know in our gut. So I am glad I handled things the way I did and I am now trying to find peace with letting things just be for awhile. This is difficult for my boyfriend because it is his relative. It is hard to Know and yet realize you do not know Everything, ya know? They say life is as complicated as you make it, but I rather think it is damn complicated sometimes. Anyways, boundaries are something I am working on. And letting myself open up to people with out the fear of criticism is also on my “to work on” list. I am doing very well. I come back to how therapy worked for me. I feel sane after this trip and that is due entirely to my EMDR therapy. I just felt more content and relaxed. Bringing up tough issues raised my blood pressure, but I was good. I was really good and I am so happy. I hope that life will let up on this one relative who is dealing with so much in her life. Like really! Sometimes it seems so unfair. I really hope that she will find some peace in the obsessiveness. Sometimes you can only hope for a little peace. If complete peace is found, well then that is just all the more great. I can not make things all better. Time, family and SOMETHING will play their cards as they are meant to be played. I did my part in just letting her know that I care about her. Control is something I desire in various parts of my life too. But her life is not something I can truly understand. It was sweet to let go a bit and ya know it was okay because I was more then ok. *smiles*

I did not get to walk/jog through the mountains in Banff as I had hoped, but it was really about the family this weekend. See we scattered my boyfriend’s grandmother’s ashes in the mountains. There was not a lot of time, but I really enjoyed meeting some neat people I have never met before. I guess you could say I feel enriched with the great conversations I had with some really positive and intelligent people. Hey, I saw the mountains and remembered how much I use to love painting them. It reminded me of my talents when I was in high school. Good to remember the good times. It was like the mountains and the human presence was hugging me rather then the past suffocating feeling I have felt. But this I know, my good experience this weekend was because of where my head was at. Wow.

Something that was for me but it was not something I sought out, was shopping. I found a truly unique teal sweater with a zipper on the side of the neck (from Jacob) and a classic black dress (from RW & Co.) with only hours left in Calgary. The dress was beautifully priced and the sweater was, well a little treat…hehe.

Well my buddies that was my weekend. Shall we have a fantastic week together? *hand extended*

Tea cheers and peace to you.

I weighed in early and I was the same. No change. Three pounds lost in 2 weeks.

Anyways, planning is really working and I can tell because my stress is right where it should be. Sweet. *smiles* (I wrote most of this last night and that too was planning.)

I had a splendid 15 days of recording. I mean I did not really know how great it was because I never looked back, dwelled, celebrated the goodness or cursed the 2-3 not so good days. (3000 calories in one day…wow, that is just enough for me to nearly maintain with my activity.) Well, 3 lbs is not bad in that time. I will keep at it.

This weekend when I am away, it will be easy when it comes to food. I have packed some snacks and I have my Vega on guard. We will eat out often but I hold close to my heart and mind throughout the weekend these words which are with me in strict form – I will not let anything stand in my way of my goal. People and that includes myself will not lead me into temptation. I can make good choices. I have the Christmas pants that now fit to prove that when I have a goal, I can make my ass move and lessen my intake and I will get the results. I have made things happen for me and I will continue to do so. The funny thing is, this is the easiest thing because my motivation is closer to me then ever before. Yes, yes it is.

The past 15 days were recorded religiously and so since I have the points/approximate calorie intake, I am going to plot the last 2 weeks and the coming week and see what works best. I may plot the next 2 weeks in order to get a good indicator of how food and activity affects my weight. I thought that by not looking at my points, they might have been a little more ‘all over the place’ and therefore make for a more zigzagging kind of a diet. But my intake was really pretty level, like I said accept for those couple days. Anyways. That is something. But this week I would like to try and do the zigzagging thing. I will naturally zigzag this weekend. Eating out is a breeze with points as long as the food is simple so I do not think this will be a problem. That is one thing I recall about WW – they say estimate a little on the high side with higher fat foods and you can not go wrong. The sneaky buggars (the cooks) love to hide fat! *big belly laugh*… we shall see who wins the war!

My Plan for the weekend:

1) 3 meals & 2 snacks

2) Eat many dark leafy salads with protein (dressing on the side)

3) Get adequate complex carbohydrates/protein or I will become bitchy. It is a certainty if I do not…hehe No lie!

4) Easy on the fat like that from animals, butter (I have brought my own good fat snacks – walnuts and pumpkin seeds). Why is it that I love butter on my popcorn, but am fine with plain toast? I do not like that I can not take my small tetra packs of soymilk on the plane, but that is ok. Safeway!!! I will not get bloated from the cow and then be bitchy. Foresee and deal!

5) I will take my vitamins ! Good one.

6) When there is something I want I will try and see if anyone wants to share that with me. Whether it be an entrée or a dessert I am not about to refrain from enjoying.

7) On Saturday when I am in the mountains I plan to go for a walk and/or jog by myself. I MADE my exercise clothes fit into my carry-on luggage.

8 ) Seek the health benefits of red wine!

I have already prayed once and I will do so again for the following: Sanity, Humor and Quit-Witted Humor. I feel tight and so I am allowing for jokes to enter my brain at all times. I am going to think about my buddies and also some of the best comedians out there. Some people just crack me up. I will be calm. Look at that, the stress has left and I suddenly feel drunk without it. I am on crack (a friend use to say this all the time…what a saying!) and we have to leave. For those of you who know The Blue Man Group… they inspired my lack of emotion in this blog. I give them full credit.

Be well my buddies. And have a fun weekend. I am excited to see the mountains for the first time. I have been to the east (Montreal) and to the west (Vancouver), but never to the actual mountains in between. I am just seeing things the way they should be seen. Ahhh beaUtiful! *hugs 2 u*

JOKES:

http://www.virginiahamilton.com/pages/frogjokes.html

Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!

Q: What happens when two frogs collide?
A: They get tongue tied!

Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A: Unhoppy.

Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A: A rubbit!

Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger.

Q: What’s green green green green green?
A: A frog rolling down a hill

Q: What is a frog’s favorite game?
A: Croaket

Q: What did the frog order at McDonald’s?
A: French flies and a diet Croak (laughs me ass off….. )

Q: Why did the frog say meow?
A: He was learning a foreign language.

Q: Why did the frog go to the hospital?
A: He needed a “hopperation” !

Q: What is the thirstiest frog in the world?
A: The one who drinks Canada Dry!

Q: What do stylish frogs wear?
A: Jumpsuits!

Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?
A: “Baroke, baroke, baroke!

Q. How deep is the water in a frog pond?
A. Kneedeep, kneedeep, kneedeep…

Q. What is a frog’s favorite song?
A. Jeepers Leapers!!!!!

I found these jokes on a site. Thanks kids! Great jokes! I meant to do pilates, but got caught up reading jokes. Ahh, it was likely better for me then the pilates…hehe  (I miss my fury kids…)

Be careful what you wish for: I am scurrying around here on my day off getting ready to leave tomorrow for Calgary/Banff. Must get the laundry ready and tidy up.  Get Oscar and Meeshka ready.  I am getting over the fact that I forget to set out the recycling. Bloody hell, it will be 2 weeks before they come again. That is it. I really have to aim for whole foods which leaves us with less trash. Anyways, I was cleaning the kitchen and thought I would share something quick. For like 2 weeks I have been going on and on how I want an oatmeal cookie. Well David bought a whole bag as a surprise. What a sweetie, hey?. He even went to so far as to pick a healthy kind. NO HYDROGENATED FATS, they are high in iron and low in calories and they taste amazing. What a sweet heart. Well today I am rushing around to clean up and get all done. And I am a a lot snackish during this cleanup. I see the cookies on the fooseball table and I am so tempted. Then this runs though my head. My Buddies (read through their blogs and commented… makes me feel I should make a good choice), MY GOALS, today is day 14 of my 15 that I set out to record and I can do better then a cookie to satisfy my hunger. I had 12 out of 14 amazing days and why should I let go of my goals now! Eating a couple oatmeal cookies would be okay, but I am hungry. Can I really enjoy them?  So I stop for lunch. Now I do not even want the cookies. I will have one tonight after supper if I so desire it.

Perspective is something that has changed my life.  I bet there is a guy out there named Scott (a Buddy who is not on so much anymore) who has no idea how much of an impact his blog so long ago has on me now and my own personal philosophies .  Perspective is something we need to cherish because in the shittiest of times, we can make a situation bearable and even enlightening.  It is how you look at things that they can be either joyful or pitiful.  I am all for a good bitch session and whining is just plain necessary.  But I do believe I have been too focussed on the negative lately and not seeing the wonderful things that life has to offer.  Thankfully my eyes have been opened to seeing things in a different and more productive light.

Have a peaceful day and weekend my buddies.  You are the best.  *hugs*

I heard a story on the news last night I have to share. I was just in awe of humanity because we so often only hear the negative events in our world. It was a story about a high school student in Cambridge, Nova Scotia who wore what was perceived as the wrong color, a pink polo shirt, to school. Well a couple people in the school saw this boy being bullied for his choice and decided to take some seriously creative and human action. I was emotional because we all have likely experienced some form of bullying or discrimination. I certainly have.  Robert M. in elementary school and Clinton W. in high school both made my life hell. But that was then and I am me because those jerks and everyone else, good and negative influenced me and I would not change a thing. Well perhaps I would have wished for a louder and stronger voice….hehe Well, bravo to these young men who inspired the Sea of Pink. They set out to say they were not going to take this in their school and that those who also were in agreement could make a choice and wear pink too. The boy who was bullied apparently was a little shocked when he went to school and saw all these students, boys and girls, wearing pink in support of a safe and bully-free environment. Bravo David Shepherd and Travis Price for your integrity and compassion. Thank you for people like this. It made my night and I am still glowing this morning. Had to share.

I really had some interesting music in the mix yesterday. Yep, Aqua just made me smile so hard it hurt and “I’m in a Hurry” by Alabama just made me MOVE. Not a country music fan, but I LOVE that song. I had 2 fast and fabulous walks. Great weight routine too.

Life is good my buddies. I use to not really like pink, but I think I have found the love. This weekend when I am in Banff, I plan to find a pink T-shirt. My mother would fall over shocked….hehe The weekend is not looking so bleak after all. Off to workout. Have a fabulous day. *hugs*

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/nova-scotia/story/2007/09/18/pink-tshirts-students.html?ref=rss

P.S.:  I changed the names to initials of those guys in my school.  I felt like a bully!   *sigh*   Having a conscious bites.  lol

I get the desire for this all to be over sometime. Like maybe there is an end and there isn’t is there? I suppose I have read about people reaching it to goal and it is still a struggle. Silly me.

It came up in am email yesterday that I had a thought about getting unwanted attention and that may have been a trigger as much as the icing. Because really I have had treats on other days in the last 11 days. I have had high point days with no guilt. But something in me just needed to turn on the goal. What can one do to not allow that? …must think more on this.

When I think about it there is a lot of stress. I am leaving this week to go for some “thing” with my partner. We are going to see his family *shivers of excitement* and I also have to leave my cat with some people for a few days. I am nervous. I mean I do not want to go (but I want to be there for David) and I do not want to leave Oscar. Though I am sure he will have much fun.

Life is stress and life is how you see it I suppose so I guess it does not have to be so stressful…lmao I want to be strong. I do not want to cave. I have no big plans for the days prior to Friday’s weigh in. I am taking each day as it comes and making it the best I can. Today is easy to plan as I have to do some things before work, get my supper ready and head out to work. Plan for the day: Vega, Elliptical, Get Ripped video, breakfast/vitamins and chlorella, clean up the condo, sort recycling, shower, Love Oscar, lunch, walk to work, snack, supper, walk back home, snuggles and SLEEP…. Get enough water through out my day. That is it.

*note to self* Must get new music on the iPod as I am bored to shit! I need walking to be FUN !

Best face the day……. Soon it will be Sunday… ha !

I really appreciated Inna’s level-headedness and beaUtiful buddy spirit yesterday. Thank you dear buddy. *hugs*

And… hugs to everyone. We can have a great week. *strength, will & the love for ourselves*