Family (This is a dark one, just so you know.)
I am putting it back up, because too many people thought they sounded harsh…. Good grief woman we are woman aren’t we! Hehe No worries please. I just felt like I was depressing. Anyways, it is all good. Promise! I do not feel bad any more.
[Grey/Black] No matter how I look at the last few days, I have been stressed. I think I have been handling, but I still am turning to food and then getting depressed. I hate thinking about christmas. What a screwed up day! Family is just another word for f***ed up in my world. No matter which family - David’s or mine. What a fit we are! Really, actually. The weekend was stress no matter how big my rose colored glasses were. Jesus they are like a circus act on crack I swear. They work well or as well as they can because everyone in the family gets each other, but both offspring are well “affected”. I think David is more adjusted then me, but like how does he not go postal? I too come from divorce and I never thought it was weird or hard. Never. It was my normal. My normal is not feeling like I have anything real. It is a family of lies, blinders and resentment. I feel nothing like love. I feel obligation. Does anyone want to know how it is that I can be so genuinely thoughtful and concerned on this site? Well it is simple. I like distance for the most part. I can love those who are further away and care more. This is me here, because in my world I have to be fake and pretend that I want to call my Mom and tell her my christmas list. So I do not want to be around people and yet am afraid to be alone. Talk about complications in a world that seems more surreal accept that the confusion creates some real depression and binging. I want to stop the insanity and I am not seeking answers. I just felt like I might explode if I did not release this trash in my head. THIS IS WHAT I KNOW…… FOOD IS NOT THE ANSWER! There have been people who have reached their goal and they seem to put on the faces of strength and success. Don’t give in to the food. Well I find this to be a hard thing. It is all easy until I am feeling alone, sad and scared. We have to make it stop. I have not seen the me I have been in the last 2 nights since I was in high school. That freaks me right out! When I reach goal, I have a picture of myself I will post at my heaviest and I do not feel so far from her when I look back to these nights. It is hard to explain.
I did not sleep so well last night. I learned that my old roommate/friend’s (we are not as close as we use to be) Mom was in a pretty serious car accident. Though she will be fine, I am so shaken. Julie is one of the best human beings I know and she would give anything for her family. She is the best mama bear I know and nothing would stop her from protecting her cubs. There are some really cool families out there and this is one of them. I am so thankful that this world still has this woman. I do not have the same relationship as I once did with my friend. She and I are really so far from each other in our understanding of things, but parts of me would die if she lost her Mom. I feel so small in the whole scope of things. What are my problems really? Why the hell would I chose food in that way? Life is so precious and so fragile, maybe I can make some better choices. We only have this life to do what we can with it. Ok, we have to screw up to learn. But there are not always so many chances to make things right. Why argue about bullshit when under slightly different circumstances it would be completely meaningless! We are incredibly on the wrong track sometimes. But somehow I found at least some light. There is some clarity now because I got rid of some of the words and found others.
I am ok.
Hi Sweetie,
I can relate to what you are going through right now. I have been turning to food a little bit, too. Though… I have decided that it is okay for a week or two, as long as I don’t totally let myself go.
I think we all have interesting families. I have come to believe that most families have at least one unstable person. (Though some families have more than others.)
I pray that you will be gentle with yourself. Very gentle. You don’t have to be strong and altogether all of the time to be a healthy and stable person. (Or at least that is what I am telling myself as I go through.) LOL!
I will pray for you!
Just you take care and remember that you aren’t alone. It’s always a real wake up call when someone you know is in an accident, it shows us that we need to live each day to the full. Food is not the be all and end all.Good luck.
It’s good to let the anger out. It helps to clear the emotional cobwebs so that things can be seen and dealt with a little more clearly and productively.
You know, when my parents divorced, I used to sit and dream of a perfect “Norman Rockwell” family, in a perfect “Norman Rockwell” world. And that’s just what it was… a dream. The reality is that most of us have some kind of dysfunctional demons in our families, and most of us have skeletons in our closets to contend with. But what we gonna do? We can’t just hide from it. We can’t make it disappear. It is an empty feeling that has to be accepted as just that, an empty feeling. To fight it or not face it and accept it is to turn to our own addictions, whatever it may be… drinking, smoking, eating, workaholic, drugs…
We spend years and years and years of our life feeding our addition. Now we are on a good path, and we are making progress, and we are happy… then life throws us a curve ball. Our instilled lifelong habits and addictions arise to haunt us. It’s the first instinct to turn back to it. It took us years of feeding our addictions to get us to the point to want to do something about it. And that addiction or habit or whatever is not going to go away in just a few short months or years even. It will take a CONSCIENCE effort every time to face it and dig into our bags of knowledge that we filled and continue to fill, to find a way to get around that particular obstacle in that particular time and place. Is it fun? NO! It’s not fun. It would be just soooooooo much easier to go right back to that which has always given us some comfort. But the easy way out is not necessarily the right way out or the healthy way out… it’s just the “short” way out.
It’s a process Jennifer, and it’s one that will make us grow in strength and character and love as long as we face it and deal with it, instead of give in to it.
In this moment in time, you feel this way, but it doesn’t mean that you will always feel this way. It just means that you have to deal with it right now, in THIS moment in time. It’s the dark days that make those rainbow days soooooo appreciated.
The last few days and turning to food? Pffffffffft…. it’s done, you recognize it, and your trying to reconcile it and understand it. That’s growth my friend. In your heart…
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Hugggggggggs,
Shan
You are not alone, I agree with it being easy to have friends that are a distance. I love people but it is easier to be close here. This is our safe place! Hang in there
Thank you all so much. I am off to an appointment, but I want to thank you all for your support. Today was a BAD day, but I know things are good. It is when I think about events to come that I worry. Silly really.
When I get back from this appointment (I have a wart…lol) I ressume reading about my friends here. Love you all.
Hi dear. It is difficult for me to imagine being so estranged from my family, we are very close. My parents would be heartbroken if I wasn’t a big part of their life and it is difficult sometimes and it doesn’t work on me best, but I still don’t pull away. I try to find my balance in the relationships I can choose - my bf, friends, and at the same time take my family at its best - I think of them as ‘my people, no matter how I am, no matter how they are’. But there was no divorce in my family, though there were silent periods between my parents, between my dad and my sister, between dad and me. I matured a lot through the years by accepting them for what they are and when they felt that I had accepted them, rather than deny them (my teenage years I was really bad to them), a huge wall has broken down. I can’t live without them now. THey’re like fellows, combat buddies, you know, my blood… but it was I that had to change. They are too set in their ways. And I learned to accept that.
All my best.