Jennifer

For the self-sabotager, one must not put it forth. I tell myself! lol I have been for so long into putting my plan and goals out there, but it just has not been the thing that works. I think it is leaving one to be criticized in the most supportive of environments. I think. One has to believe in themselves first and always. One can not hope for admiration, validation, etc. And we certainly should not fear and therefore unknowingly invite this criticism we want to avoid. Why would we do this? Why do I think like this? It all has been so confusing.

My plan was simple really. I do not know why after I tried it I could not fail. In silence. All by myself. I guess it was realistic and allowed for real life living too. A deeper, more true, and stronger me was fighting for what I was worth. It was my first me. It was the me that did not hear “she will be a failure, just like her Mom” when I was maybe 8 years old. It is interesting what one recalls and how these things influence. I REFUSE to be a victim in my life and I have NEVER blamed anyone for my place!!! But seriously, what idiot says something so that a child who has not even began to understand themselves, will hear, and then see themselves so negatively until they can unravel the bullshit? Well a challenge I have is a challenge I take. These layers of ourselves we must shed! And serious thought brought me to this place.

THE PLAN…. simple

1) I took my journal and wrote out like 15 days (including the year), each on a new page. I am recording honest food intake (points) and activity. I had an idea of 24 points, but only so that I did eat enough. Listened to the hunger.

2) I gave myself a deadline so to speak. Not to say I would go nuts and start eating differently after the final day, but I just had a number in mind. I am traveling so I figured I would put my deadline the day before that.

3) I wanted to see how successful I could be at sticking to a “personal best” mentality. Not perfection. Just a day to day personal best. And then also each day was new and NOT AT ALL attached to the last. It was even on a new page. So it made it that much more symbolic. I think it was well worth the paper.

4) I kept it quiet. It is not such a big deal, but it was A PLAN. Because I think I live a life believing I will be unsuccessful, I had to remain silent. With silence I could be the Me that is untouched by ignorance and hurtfulness. I could only succeed. Now, I feel that I understand something well enough that I can share. Even though my deadline is not up I can share. I believe I have figured somethings out well enough that I can not sabotage like I once would have. It is complicated why we do the things we do UNTIL it is revealed why. This is my opinion and experience.

My goal is to continue with really what I have found to be a normal kind of eating. My points are all over the place, but I am not feeling all over the place. I am more often then not around 1500 calories and that may be my “happy place” - ideal number of calories to keep my metabolism content. I am happy and I am great with finding a new view of food. That might be a topic for another time. I am so happy to have been able to let go of the pressures of diet and weight. It is a new and peaceful place and I am so pleased with this.

My only fear is that I will screw up. I am mean it could happen…lol But who can live a life of fear forever. I mean I know what is, so I think it will be a great week. I am good. That is it.

I really hope that you are having a good time. All the best in the coming week. Tea cheers!

Get this, it has been nagging me that I should go back to WW to get my Life time key as closure.  But then that means I would have to pay for like 6 weeks of maintenance.  I have given them a lot a ready….lol   My hairdresser said, why don’t you just go to a place that makes keys and have your weight loss engraved on the key.  “Much cheaper!”  I love this woman!

 BTW…. goals… to ease up a bit on the cardio and go heavy twice this week on the weights.  I NEED TO WORK ON MY LEGS!  Lighter weight, many reps, high sets.  I will do My Get Ripped Video once.  Walking, tennis and I better get rollerblading before it snows…lol  This is my weekend/week.  I am eating a little more, but not so much I will gain.  This is my plan.

This is a weight loss site so I will say first I am 3 pounds less on this wonderful Friday.

But I am in a different kind of a place. I am actually finding it hard to think of anything weight related. I will say my hair color is semi permanent and I love my little change. Very glad I did it, though I am not one to go to the salon every 2 weeks, 3 months, etc. I just can not be bothered. But it was a necessary thing to do for me. It is a good change. The hairdresser was shocked I think when I hugged her…. Hehe. What is life without a hug from a near stranger!

It has been a strange week. I have not been depressed, but rather much more thoughtful and reflective. I mean I am a thinker, but this was more then just the norm for me.

There is nothing like a day of remembrance such as we had on Tuesday (Sept. 11) or Wednesday (a year ago that the shootings occurred at Dawson College in Montreal). Everything shallow seems small and frankly my struggles seem small too. But I know better that we have to deal. We must improve and try and make a difference. We have goals. We give ourselves up perhaps to a greater purpose, but we must not quit our own personal struggles because everything appears small. I must believe that I am worth it.

Speaking of small and yet gigantic, Mother Theresa, now there was and is a spectacular human being. A friend recently lent me a video about the life of Mother Theresa after I asked her if I could borrow it. I need to know more because her words give me hope. They comfort me in what I do. No one understands though few actually care anymore about what I do. I know I want more, but at this time I know I do what I do for a reason I can not explain. I know I am good at making the elderly feel good in their latter stages, but I am not perfect. I think I was harsh the other day with my lady who is also frustrated in her tired and wrinkled body. I never saw the wrinkles before she would talk about them always. But she shared her opinion of how appearance is important and I guess it is too all of us. What we wear, how we present ourselves, well this is our society unfortunately. But I realized something. I may have cared less about my appearance because I have never thought it was as important as what was inside. How we treat people seems to be more important to me. Mother Theresa was I think the One in this world who epitomized beauty and love. These are things that no matter how much we change, we still might not be able to achieve unless we work to nourish our insides, our hearts. I blew up as much as I ever have with my dear lady (and she is not so sweet or compassionate) this week and I felt empty, shaky, and sad. I demanded that she treat her caregivers with respect, but I suspect my tone was less compassionate then usual. I know something needed to be said to her, but it was not my best. I apologized and she did as well and things were great. I guess I know more and more what is important as I let love and true beauty to enter my consciousness. I love shows like the one I saw last night.

I have the luxury of saying that my current flabby thighs and stomach are not the end all be all because I am here now, 154. At 96 pounds less then I use to be (end of high school) or 40 pounds less from when I started WW a couple years ago, I can say that it is small, yet an important and necessary loss. I am thankful that my health is so much better. I am grateful as my eyes are opened to the next lessons though. What is my next goal? I shall see. There are always more challenges and I am excited to have my thoughts change and my world expand. There is so much more, but with out a goal I would still be floundering in toxic waste. I am content and yet wide-eyed!

Have a great weekend everybody.

I am still feeling great. Well I know why I was up this passed Friday, PMS! Though it was strange because I was not feeling like it was that time. Even as I went bed with my “friend” last night (hehehe…) I still did not feel grumpy or tight in my abdomen. My back is where I am feeling it today so just a good walk today, light stretching and perhaps 1/2 time on the elliptical. Anyways, this Friday should be good.

I had a free kind of a day Saturday, where I just wanted….cravings!!! I guess it explains my extreme desire for a hamburger (REALLY weird for me)…. ahh B12 & iron ??? and what would a PMS day be with out the cravings for chocolate! But that was it. I have been recording religiously in my journal and had only one Treat day. My aim is for a treat MEAL, but it was a day…haha I saw this day as a day of nutritional cravings and NOT emotional eating. Sweet!!! I was a little worried that it would spiral and it did not. I am seeing it like this - Each day is a clean slate and everyday is a day to feed myself well to achieve health and energy. It sounds ideal, right, but it is an ingrained belief that is only questioned by my slightly evil self occasionally. My days are far from perfect how I once thought I needed to be. I am listening to the hunger and if I go over on my points, fine. What I noticed Sunday was that after my weights at the gym, I actually had a decrease in appetite. Could it have been all that food from the day before? I still made sure I ate my 24 points to get the nutrients my body needs, but I was not ravenous. I was not overly hungry yesterday either. I must have just found a good balance.

As per usual, smaller meals, 2-3 snacks, trying not to eat after 6:30ish, varying my activity, eating plenty of fruits and veggies and drinking enough water and enjoying my teas is working. It seems boring because nothing is new. But it is just a good balance. One thing that I think might be a little different is that I am trying to relax more. Bought some body oils for myself and have been treating myself to pampering sessions. Soon it is time for the feet. Thursday is my hair appointment. And later in the month I share my Secret thoughts/goals. It is important to me that I share with my really dedicated buddies what has been going on in my head. I never knew there could be that much peace up there. Ha! It is really the neatest thing in the world to feel good about yourself and know that you can achieve things. *knocks on wood*

I wish everyone a great week and also the strength and courage to deal with life’s many challenges.

Tea time…….

Well I feel so happy even if I am up a little. I had 4 great days this week, 1 awful day and 2 not so great days. So the moral of the story, if you want to see better results, you have to put in more then 4 great days. But that is ok, because during my chaotic experiences with food this week I learned some valuable knowledge about myself. And yes it is that brick that keeps coming and coming, because I am not getting it the first, second and third (ok forth) time. Thanks Oprah! But hearing it and knowing it is not enough. I have to pay attention to what life is teaching me. I have to be brave. IT is truly not about wearing nice clothes and looking pretty for me, though this will be sweet! For me it is about being comfortable in this skin. And when someone in this world makes me feel icky, I do not want to hide in bagginess, eat myself into sickness or become a recluse. And yes, I still feel happy, because I am trying to not let others determine the quality of my day. I have been emotional all my life, this is me. But there are just somethings I do not need to take on. What was, is not now. That is, if I want things to be different and I do, I will try my very best to make it so.

I am not sabotaging myself. I have had 2 great days. Not perfect, but great days. For me that means I have been sticking to the whole foods with plenty of fruits and veggies. Made a nice chicken caccitorie and had like a third of the cheese I would have normally had. Writing my food down still keeps me from going wild. Weekends are always tough, but I can do it. I am not aiming for perfection, but I do want to feel good and this means if it is night time I will eat something healthy if I am hungry and if I just feel snackish, I will provide my home with some healthy low fat snacks. I am not anti-fat. I am all about the good fats, but at 10:00 at night I will not fill myself with trash or an excess of calories my body is not likely to burn well at that time. I have plain popcorn around (ahh darn I forgot to buy butter AGAIN! lol) and will get a small 70% Lindt chocolate bar. That is all for me. I bought groceries last night so there is plenty of goodness around.

If we go out this weekend to eat I pay. My partner sometimes feels awful if we eat out and then I complain. That is so not fair to him. I mean I want to make him happy so I give in, but that does not make him feel good in the end. So I told him, if we eat out I pay and then I can only feel crappy about it…lol But after buying groceries we are set, stocked up like creatures for the winter.

Last weekend was a challenge for me, but this week I feel better equipped with knowledge and healthy food I wish you all a great weekend.

Tea cheers……

Oh yeh, I am up 2 pounds this week. This weekend and week I MOVE MORE and CONSISTENTLY !

My early AM thoughts for the day…..

I love getting things done early in the morning.  It is MY time and I love it.  Two loads of laundry in, recycling out, dishwasher on (oops, forgot last night - I was watching tennis - YAH VENIS!, Poor Roddick.  It was a great effort.), made a different and interesting breakfast that was an oops that became a success.

I do not have to fear looking great.  I can look fabulous in my new skirts from Value Village (one was completely new from The Gap).  I might as well get use to looking better these days, because there is no turning back.  Not sure about the hair but it is getting cut next week and colored.  *shivers*

If one can recognize themselves as a self sabatoger, and I so am, the best thing to do is to not divulge The Plan until it has be completed.  I have a shorter term goal that NO ONE knows about and that is working.  As soon as I talk or write about anything, I screw it up.  SO, this is working and I am so proud of myself.  I set my goals and terms so high thinking that would solve things, but no, did not work.  So, *shush!*  Secrets can be good.  We should all have things that are sacred and special just for our own selves, I think.  Lord knows I need it.

As for that breakfast that was a little wonky today…. I wanted to make spicy brown rice pudding with the rice from last night’s supper.   So I did my thing.  Then it seemed not to be thick enough.  I did not want to add more calories in the form of cornstarch, arrowroot or an egg, so I left it.  I had the best spicy rice soup and it was great.  Nutmeg, cinnamon, cardamom, cloves, lightly sweetened with maple syrup.  It just worked.  Yah!

After some housework I read about my dear Buddies and their worlds. 

Tea cheers to you!  Mine is Rooibos Vanilla Infusion this morning.

I am trying really hard not to complain because I do not want to make myself even sicker.  lol… not feeling so well.

So, I got my hair cut yesterday. I felt it was time, ya know, dry ends and it seems like you can not make your mop do anything successful. Well it was nothing new, I just got a 2.5 inch trim. It looks healthy. I am contemplating an even shorter cut in the next little while. Usually I get a cut about every 6-8 months which is pretty strange for a female. So if I get 2 in a month, that is indeed very different. I am also considering a new and darker color. OK, I have NEVER got my hair dyed professionally.

What brought the weight topic up at the salon was one of the clients was thin and amazing looking (mostly I loved her hair actually, to die for, almost). She left. Now, the remaining ladies, including me, have a few extra pounds we could lose. Then we talked about WW and how losing is so tough. I mentioned Buddyslim as well. Well we all know how the discussions go if we even talk about weight related issues with people because you make choices to be selective with whom you talk about this topic.

WHAT I TOOK AWAY FROM THIS CONVERSATION was how amazing I think these woman are. They are so seemingly confident and beaUtiful. I really want to come to this place of confidence. I desire a new look, but it will not change how I feel about me. I can not figure out why I was more confident when I was fatest years ago. I mean I feel like I am me around just a few people. What is up with that??? Anyways, I do want a new look - hair and clothes. But I am fully aware it will not solve everything. I just want to look pretty……I want pretty hair and clothes….lol Hear my vanity roar! I actually think I need a consultant. I have received a couple ideas, but I still think I need a sitter to come along on the shopping adventure. I have this tendency to buy things I like in the moment but then do not wear them because they are not me. Ahhh…. fun times Well this is my journey too. So I am content to think more about it and just clothe myself for practical reasons.

It is weird when I do not have an appetite.  But I had a little at least this AM.

I hope you are doing well. *hugs*

Well I have been better, I have been worse. But if I stay away from restaurants for awhile, I will be great for sure. Ahhh The Life! The struggle. The feelings of defeat. The victory. LOL…. Do I sound like an old soul from the old country?

Well I am back to being aware of what I put into my body. MY bad self just expressed a rebellious need, want. No I told you so’s please. LOL. I can not take it!!! *whine whine* It was pathetic when I think about it, but I am not going to beat myself up. That is all I can say. Looking forward. The best of the careless eating was definitely sushi. No regrets there. YUM. Hey I am good. Just feeling a bit sarcastic today.

All right I do not have much to say. I found this link and thought I would share. All I can say was that Oscar did not get his name (Oscar Meyer) from my love of a luncheon meat company. He was litterly (I know this word is spelled wrong, but it won’t give me a correct spelling…hehe and I feel too BLAH to care, ahh it fits too) getting into trouble and you need a second name when you are frustrated so early on in Oscar’s life Meyer got attached. Cute pictures to come. These pics are not though.

http://www.newstarget.com/phototour_mystery_meat_1.html

Ahhh….. I can not say, I have put this junk in my body before. But, what, live in the now and make better choices NOW. Knowing is the key and then you can make improved decisions and be happier, yes? I think so. I hope so.

The punishment from eating crap is not even seeing the scale. It is the physical feeling I have from the heaviness and the BLAH from the poor food choices. Well today I get back to it. No extreme detoxes or whatever of course, but I am eating well, moving as much as I can (have a sore foot- twisted my ankle, but strangely the sole of my foot hurts, like a pulled a little muscle) and I have incorporated a double dose of Chlorella into my day. Yummy detoxing great greenness from the sea…lol

Maybe it is hard to really understand how Jennifer is feeling. Well I was not a good dieter, but life happens and I see that it is all fine and dandy. I guess my perspective is different today. I know how to get back on track and it is not about rules and lists. I am still a bit rebellious like I was in high school. It is about just trying to make things better even when there have been falls. Just get up and try try try again. THIS IS MY LIFE.

Have a great day and week Buddies! 

“My plan” Checklist

Saturday:

No eating after 6:00PM- I was occupied until 6:15 PM and I ate then, but c’est la vie. I had tea with a little milk and honey and came to huge insights. Thank god I refrained from the wine. I am not a drinker and I am sure I would have just fallen asleep…lol It must have been the blissful honey that awoken my awareness ……………………

Replacing EE with writing- I wrote this big long thing about how I did not start eating when I was stressed but it did not save for some reason. Anyways, I wrote and I feel so much better. The food fantasies did not win. I started thinking about tofu dogs and ketchup? Preparing my Monday lunch for work this early? So I could have a few bites? All comfort, right? Not! It was so hard, but I think I got a handle on some of the emotions I was experiencing. My irrational beliefs about myself. Now I must go love my dear cat. He wants some attention and he hates it when I am stressed. Only this time he did not watch me cave into bad behaviors. This checklist seemed kind of monotonous, but with out putting EE as one of my “checks” I would be in the kitchen. I know it. I am so grateful that I was focussed enough on this site to REALLY start dealing with the unexplained urges that are just there sometimes. It is just important that I wrote and got over the hump of wanting. I learned some things about me too. Yah for me! I know that my food issues are something I have to solve and no one can help me because it is just me and the food in that moment.

Working on organization- Yah,… I cleaned the kitchen before it got CRAZY! lol

3 Meals & 2 snacks, water- ✓

Fruits and veggies - 12 servings - apple, carrot, blueberries, cherry tomatoes (2), stirfry (4), pineapple, kiwi, orange, mixed veggies (2)

Protein (legumes/beans/grains/fish/yogurt/powders)- Spoon size Shredded wheat/oats/soymilk, Chlorella, yogurt, an egg, milk powder in my tea, whole wheat veg. pita with hummus

Good fat (nuts/seeds/almond butter/olive oil/avocado/salmon)- pumpkin seeds, almond butter, hummus

Better workouts - 1 hour walk

Calcium (3)- soymilk, yogurt, Ca. supplement, little milk powder

No treats in the house!- The 1.5ish T. of honey in my tea… shear therapy. I counted it so it is all great! At 24 points today and that is just great. I did not do so much activity so my appetite was not so great.

What I noticed about this checklist is how incredibly meticulous one has to be. And I am anal, but not so anal. Obsessive with somethings, but not so obsessive. But I am so glad I was into really thinking about my actions, because I saw some new things. I want to develop new behaviors and the only way I can do this, is by being real with myself. Well I am going to aim to resist eating at night (it actually feels good) and still work on my desire for foods when emotions are attached. I do not think recording the other things are so critical. I love eating well because it feels good. I have so much energy and I can see the changes in my body that much more when I am dedicated to a good plan. But a checklist I do not need. I trust me. I am going to try a couple days with out the checklist. That is the thing with a plan. Some times you have to adjust the plan to keep up with the new ideas and realizations . The only thing I commit to is writing when I am sad or lonely or depressed, whatever instead of repeating what I have always done. Life feels really good. But as for those emotions, I think they deserve the old paper and pen. Yes, this is where I am at these days. A very good place for sure.

Sweet dreams to us all…………..