My Assignment for the weekend
I am so apologetic to all those people who like the positive blogs. I have to write this because it is just something that is always coming up and it so frustrating. At the near peak of success, I screw up. I disgust myself, because I want to be different. It takes something to bring me down and the I am spiraling and it seems so hard to stop. I have felt awful for 7 days now and it is horrible. It is like I can not stop the poor food choices. I really admire those who are so strong. And yes I can be strong, BUT NOT when I feel bad about myself. When I am confident, it is all good. I eat normal! When I am down, it is completely out of control. It is something that comes less and less, but it is still there. I am so nervous to write this because I hate opening myself up to criticism when I am already weak. I know I will be up on the scale tomorrow and that will not bug me, actually (kinda cool…hehe). All I care about is making good choices for myself so that next week and in two weeks I can say to myself “I am feeling good” and mean it.
I love that a Buddy, Tatiana, wrote a love letter to herself. I said this was really inspiring but I did nothing about it. It touched me and thrilled me, but I did not implement the creativity of the idea into my own life. I NEED so badly to get on writing such a letter to myself. So Friday, this weekend this is my homework. I have to love me so that I can really be a healthy and happy individual.
I am not falling to pieces…lol But I really needed to get this off my chest, because things are not hunky dory! I just did not want to feel lost anymore. So…. I feel like I am beginning to move in a new direction. We have to do that for ourselves. No one else can make our world’s complete. I have to do the thoughtful work for myself. I wish I was a better artist, because sometimes I feel like I have all this paint and the brushes are just covered with dried paint. But, this is the life and I must deal. Such a silly analogy, but that is it. Working on feeling good…… Oh yeh… the love letter - “ooh oh-la-la” *kiss kiss* …… ahhh yeh I am a dork too, only this is one of those things I love about me. I am not afraid to be me and look silly if I can put a smile on your face. At the very least YOU can feel good about you 
Because chances are YOU are not as big a dork as me. *SMILES* I really wish that we all could find that key to our own success. It seems so easy sometimes. Best wishes to everyone. And bravo to you who are doing so fine. It is a great place to be, for sure!
I would like to let my favorite poet speak to you Jennifer…
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~ Rumi ~
(The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks
I do know how you feel… I struggle with waking up in the middle of the night and just “going to town” on the kitchen. I can sometimes go two or 3 nights and not do it and then a huge screw up and I will have to fight so hard not to be depressed about it the next morning.
But I have learned you have to make the effort to remember that not everything you are as a person is tied to your weight or your struggles with food.
Jennifer, feeling down sucks (I have a similar pattern I think), however, I don’t think it’s possible to eliminate it altogether. At some point, I found it helpful to use Morita therapy principles for myself, which is essentially learning to keep going despite upsets, depressions and whatever else that usually works as a stumbling block (sorta like, yeah, it sucks, so?
(here’s more on it, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morita_therapy).
And yes, you do make other people smile (myself for suere), and feeling inspired too.
I woke up thinking, how is it that I do not feel self conscious when I am acting silly, but that I can feel awful when I seem to succeed or know something that maybe someone does not? Truly strange.
Thank you everyone and I will definitely check out the Morita therapy more. A friend use to call me Zhen and I always wanted to be more Zen…hehe But seriously, the phases are intriguing, especially the extremely physical phase.
I believe I also have to find my spiritual self and let her out a bit more. Buddhism is coming up a lot lately and from every direction it seems and it is a religion that has always made me feel good about me and the world.
Tea cheers everyone!
I couldn’t help but tear up just a bit while reading this. I know it comes from your heart and it touches me. I can feel your struggles and I wish there was something I could say, but this is something that I think only you can work out for yourself. I will say this…
From one dork to another, I think you are a great person and I love ya to death…
God loves you too… since He loves you and created you, maybe seek His advice and help?
We are our own worst critics and can really do a number on ourselves in the down and out times. It’s these times, when we are not so strong, that we can look to Him to carry us. Just give it a try, what you got to lose?
I don’t know whether I should have posted this response publicly or not, but this comes from my heart Jennifer, and I felt the need to say it. We are human. We all go through these times, but the good news is, we don’t have to go through it alone.
Hugggggggggggggs,
Shan