Jenn

Just thought I would share something else from yesterday. I needed to head out to the post office to get a package off and I wanted to dress warm. SO I got out my warm stretch exercise pants and then put on my old fat pants because only they would fit over the first layer. Just goes to show you, not always a good idea to get rid of the big clothes when it is -35 and you need to walk a couple blocks.  Hey today with the windchill it is only -25.  Sweet!

Why shouldn’t I be completely open here?   Should I be afraid of people hurting me?  No.  Some secrets do no good bottled up.  This is a part of my journey that I need to share now.  For those who want just weight loss stuff, stop reading!  This is not for all.  This is personal and not about diet or weight loss.  So I think this is a good enough warning… laughing me ass off

I want to thank ALL my buddies who were so sweet and supportive.  We can not all be around all the time and I was lucky to have the ones I did.  This is what I will say about yesterday.  My little crisis which seemed ludicrous to me goes back a long time.  I am remembering bits that I have forgotten.   When I was stressed in high school which is in no way related to what I am remembering, I use to eat and eat and eat uncontrollably like I was trying to keep things under lock and key.  Weird.  It hardly makes any sense.   I never wanted to be fat in high school, MY GOD how hard is that!  Many of us know.  So I tell you all now, I use to have bulimic tendencies in order to try and combat the over eating.  This does not work well.  It is so unhealthy and destructive.  And when I am at my peak of stress which is rare, very rare, I feel that need… that old behavior calls me.  I am happy to say I am not doing this.  But that rage of eating with out an ability to stop (I am not talking about occasional sadness) it is something different then just the EE that I sometimes have felt.  Having talked to a few counselors, many feel that I am best at being open and thinking my problems through.  This seems  to me to be untrue when I am so lost.  But it took me so little time to calm down when I just reached out, so maybe.   At this point I just want to be whole and not have thoughts and weird maybe thoughts.  I am open to anything that is real.  I just do not want to keep going through the  stupid little memories that mean shit.  Yet the feelings of anxiety which are so real in my life are often there and mean everything.  I am getting better and better.  I really am.  But why yesterday?  Honestly, I think the cold has been getting to me.  Not enough vitamin D…. I really miss my walks, the sun.  Hormones/PMS.  Sugar. …. everything has lead me to this place, which I believe I am suppose to go through.  I am just so thankful for not feeling alone.  My boyfriend got me last night, poor guy…haha.

I feel like an amazon….hehe.  I feel so much stronger today and healthy.  Why I am feeling what I am, I do not Really know, but I know that I have so much strength.  I know that I have kept people at a distance and I am really lucky to have two friends who seem so far away and yet they are so close to me.  They are as close as I have been able to have people, but I really want to be closer to my female friends.  But I promise that I am working at being a better friend.  I love Ang and Kathy dearly.   They just know me and this is the blessing that comes with time.   And then I am lucky to have some dear people here.  Amazing woman.  I think we all are fantastic for just getting up and facing it all and trying to make our worlds better and better.  I just love you all.

Have a great weekend everyone.  I hope that we all can find some fun and adventurous things to do.  Let’s just do it!  Health, happiness and adventure!  *hugs*

[Food was not ideal for supper, but we were out evening shopping.  I promise I enjoyed every bite…. sushi and a brownie.  But when I got home I had some lovely tea and worked out 45 minutes on the elliptical.  Ahhh a week of maintaining.  So there was some not so ideal choices and some really good choices.  Every day is a good day to start anew and do it hopefully better and be good with ourselves.  My best choice yesterday was reaching out in the moment on this site.  I swear, Dr.Marc should sell T-shirts!!!]

Not a good day. And I often think and sometimes have said that we have to be not depend on others. I literally felt like I might not stop eating. It was so scary. I can not explain the confusion I am experiencing. Holidays. Hormones. Not so healthy food. Stress. Everything seemed to pile up and I was so afraid and then there was this laptop that has all my buddies. And two sweet sweet ladies ( Kama & Shanna) were there when I needed someone right then and there. It hurts me so much and makes me so sad to NEED, but my normal self just stepped out the door. I feel balanced now, but still am a bit weepy. I am off to work out.

I know one thing is for sure. This is the time to be strict with my intake. I have been eating the wrong foods to cause my emotions to become unbalanced. I have been eating toxic foods that are trash for this body that I have come to actually like. Well, it is time to clean up and work out. Today, not tomorrow I start to improve my health. Physically I have been feeling the effects of the poor choices, but today life was a bit slower and I could feel my emotions declining. It felt like a wall of rushing water and I could not stop it.

I am so incredibly thankful for this site and so many wonderful buddies.

Not so positive today and for this I feel a little apologetic. But I am just happy that this site allows for all the emotions. Today I share my darkest thoughts and am incredibly thankful that I could pull myself out by just reaching out.  THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Trying to make it a good day…..

Ok, I walked around the mall this AM shopping up a ferocious storm and I really enjoyed the quiet atmosphere. It was truly a great time to shop and relax. I was there for 2 hours then grabbed some sushi since I forgot my snack on the counter. Well it was a good choice for the food court anyways. I got a ride there, but I walked home in -22 (-35 with the wind chill) degree Celsius weather (about 30 minutes including 2 little stops in stores) and literally froze my face. I mean man was it cold! When there were no longer any stores to stop in, browse and warm up, I had to walk fast and then run the rest of the way. I do not recall it this cold once last year, but I know we had some cold days. Still, it was a real shocker. And the scary thing is, I could not have been dressed better. Well I suppose I could have had a ski mask! Welcome Winter!!!

Enjoyed hot soup when I got home and now I am off to work out.

Let’s kick the Fat everyone !!! There is no time like the present to move more and eat well. Today is the day to start and not the day after New Years. WE CAN DO IT Love ya all. *hugs*

So, I feel like I am getting practiced up for the holidays by using the American Thanksgiving to test out my will power. Craziness I tell ya. Well one thing is for sure, in the last couple years I have been so much more aware of what I am putting in my mouth and I thank WW for this. I really would be lost with out the idea of portions. But a day like yesterday all reason seemed to go out the window. Well I am reasonable more often then not and I want so much for myself so I start new. There is nothing like the challenge of a weekend to get you revved up! lol Then there are the Roughriders (Saskatchewan’s football team) who have made it to the Grey Cup. Now I am a hockey fan not a football fan, but I am psyched. Very neat. So I am off to workout and then get busy on making Christmas presents. Not sure what to make guys when it comes to beads. ??? I may actually have to step foot into the malls WHICH ARE ALREADY CRAZY BUSY !!!

After a crap couple of days, LOVE my potty mouth this fine Saturday AM, I started out with a healthy breakfast and am now off to work out on the elliptical for as long as I can. I can never go long after a heavy food day the day before, but we shall see how it goes.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Note to Self:

Healthy food

Water

Activity

A Good Attitude

Good Sleep

Food Log

[Meeshka and I both love hard boiled egg whites….. When she gets a little she always thinks it’s Christmas….hehe]

This might be the weirdest blog I have ever written and I am just going to go for it to try and figure somethings out.

The thing about me, and I have known this for sometime, is that I feel others pain.  I literally do.  Not all the time, but more often then I would like, I literally feel the ailments of others.  Sometimes I have experienced a client’s bladder infection,  joint pain and depression (this last one, not so hard to believe) when I am fine and healthy.  Now, why be around the elderly and the sick?  It is simply put the only time I feel like I am doing what I should be.

The same goes true for today.  I think I was feeling fine.  Catching up on blogs, figured out that the subscriptions on this site do work (I will be quicker to respond to my buddies), and seeing that a buddy was not doing so well.  I just caved and it has been downhill ever since.  It will be an early supper tonight and then that is it.  I am back on track tomorrow.  Why would I do this?  I am not seeking answers, just a little frustrated.  Maybe I felt bad for not seeing the issue sooner.  No idea.  Just guesses.

So it is strange to me that I go towards the sick, yet I often will avoid people close to me and go inward so to speak.  It is very confusing.  I try to not let other people’s issues become my own.  But so often I just take it all on.

I will workout after supper and make tomorrow a good one!   I am not weighing in tomorrow.

I know, I know…… not a biggie.  It is one day.  But damn damn double damn and damn damn again :)  My client says this when she is frustrated…lol   *smiles*

Not sweating this, but I just needed to get rid of the words from my head.  All better!

Tea cheers to you.  Thanks for reading.

I like how I feel at night and I like going to bed with an empty stomach, but I can not do this challenge. I feel like a dork for dropping out, but it does nothing to improve my thoughts. It is simply something to control and I do not need this in my evolving world, The Life of Jenn.

I really want to look at why I want to eat when it is not hunger, but I feel chastised by myself when I eat at night. This is not helpful. I did not fail myself last night. I just lived and ate a little.

I am thankful for so many things. I am thankful for my buddies here (a buddy who made me see today that I need to let go of the no food at night challenge because it is too hard line in my mind) people who understand me, love, forgiveness, feeling patient with myself (does not always happen), my boyfriend, Oscar& Meeshka (my fur children), snow (it was so icy and then it snowed more… good to walk on now), healthy simple recipes. And I am thankful that I am able to read blogs today so I can see what is going on in my buddies worlds. Marge wrote her list and since I am reading today she inspired me to think about about the important things. A challenge is not important for me. Loving me is all that is important and so I will attempt to find this balance. I do not know why this is such a challenge for me, but falling off and getting back on, this is my life…hehe I have to accept that for much of my life, as much as this seems dramatic, I have been left to find my own way (NOT on Buddyslim and in my weightloss journey…. I speak of life generally) and I am not so good at knowing what is a good idea for me. I swear, it is like a bad Trial and Error nightmare, hehe……. But it is my life and it is the only one I have. So…………………………. I am off to have a healthy breakfast, work out and get back to reading about my buddies. Love ya all.

Happy Thanksgiving in the USA to all my buddies and their friends & families. *hugs*

First week of my no eating at night challenge…. well it has been 6 days and tonight will be fine. Writing in the previous blog made me accountable. Love that. I also like that I started mid week and did not wait until that “after the weekend” mentality.

Well I like not eating at night! It really makes me think about WHY I want to eat and that is so essential. I realize I just like food in my mouth. It is as simple as that. HABIT! Sure there may have been times when I felt emotional (as I wrote about in the previous blog) but eating at night or having the desire to do so, was not once for hunger. I mean I ate well at supper! A couple times I had a little extra, just because I knew I would not have any later. But that was ok. Most days I averaged 1500 calories. Plus I picked it up with the activity.

I tried on the little black dress I bought in Calgary and it is looking very nice. Still a little snug around the hips, so this is good incentive to keep up with this challenge AND my Butt exercises. Though the scale is being typically slow, I REALLY see improvements in just a week of not eating at night. But equally important (some will say more so, who are we kidding, WE WANT TO SEE RESULTS WITH OUR EFFORTS) is developing a new kind of behavior of being satisfied with supper, doing whatever at night Not Food Related and going to bed with an ever so slightly empty stomach. Now this is purrrrfect and pleasant satisfaction!

What is new? I am starting to reading “The Practice of Being Aware, Right Now, Everyday Buddhism- Plain and Simple” and instead of the rock/alternative music on my iPod, I am listening to Chopin just for a change. I put my first Christmas decoration up, a wreath that a friend of the family made me last year. I love it. This week was really about finding things to do with my time instead of thinking about food. I also really let go of the “bad food” mentality and just ate with mindfulness, respect and gentleness. Enjoyed some treats. Oh sure I had some conflicts from within, but with conversation, mostly with myself, all was worked out. Twas good……… What can I say? I love it when I actually want to spend time in my own head. *wink wink*

Tea cheers !

And for me, my greatest hindrance is eating at night. It really affects my progress I am finding. I can eat a large breakfast or lunch and still do fine, but I do not need a huge amount of calories or salt at night when I will be about to rest in only hours. Yet still I do it and want it. So I thank my Buddy Jo. Anyone else care to take it on? This is a good challenge because with parties and other events, late night snacking is a national past time!!!

Week 1 (Nov. 14-20)

Wednesday - finished supper at 6:30, herbal tea after, 1/2 c. blended cranberries and water for health reasons.

Thursday - had a late supper and finished at 7:30, herbal tea

Friday - ??? It’s going to be tough. After work, we are going to a friend’s place to play Settlers of Catan. He said HE will provide beverages and snacks. Am I sweating? No! I just feel, like “of course there will be snacks, why wouldn’t there be snacks?” How will I deal? I started this challenge with not a lot of thought. THIS is how I am going to deal….. I am saving 4 points to have a little something IF I REALLY WANT IT. I will consider it my last meal AND it is not in front of the TV. If there is nothing I really want, then I will not worry because I will have already had 24 points or 1200-1300 calories. But I am working my ass off today (cardio, walking and Butt exercises-really working btw) and there will be no worries. Tomorrow is weigh in so I will not start chowing down and sabbatage myself. Some might say, oh she is close to goal, why would she worry? Well I am attempting to break a habit and it does not matter if I am 154 or 250, I still have the same thought patterns I always have. I just see that there is so much to lose but letting go of the discipline. So I have a plan and I will succeed. Screwing myself over? Not today, thank you very much!!! Love that self talk. Cheers to breaking bad habits….

Have an excellent weekend everyone! I feel great and this is partly do to perspective and mostly due to feeling a little more confident. lol… and I will also feel good about having an apple in my back pocket in case I am hungry tonight and there is really nothing I would REALLY enjoy. I feel so much better! Because I was sweating just a little! *hugs*OK! The Afterglow….. I ended up having 27 points before the gathering and then had 1 lemon martini (first one ever), one green tea and 2 large green olives… I figure 31 points….about 1600 calories. LOL…. was not hungry, so, no apple, lol. Scale says I maintained, but the mirror says I am doing fine! Played some games, met some new people and enjoyed some good company. Great night I am still dedicated to working on not eating at night. Note to self: Progression not perfection !!!

Saturday - finished supper at 6:30, water and herbal tea

Sunday - finished eating supper at 5:45 and then had a “thing”. Worked things out in this head of mine, but not before snacking on rice/corn thins and antipasto (equivalent to about 200 calories). DID NOT HAVE CHOCOLATE, WHICH I SO DESIRED!!! Had berry tea and that was it. Not so bad really ~ 1650 cal. today! I feel good. I feel relaxed and this is #1. I almost thought, who cares if I do not report this here, then I felt like that would be betraying myself and you all.

Monday - finished supper at 6:30, nothing except decaf black tea with freshly grated nutmeg after that. YUM.

Tuesday - finished supper at 6:00, Rooibos Vanilla Infusion tea after that.

Did some food prep this AM which should help with lunches when it comes time to thinking about packing it. Cooked a pot of vegetable soup, sweet potatoes, beans. MUST GET GROCERIES TODAY! lol I left room in my sweet potato containers so that I can throw in some other goodies for a more complete meal. I feel like I am like my hamster Meeshka… we are both little conservers. I mean who can eat an entire can of tomatoes or beans at one sitting. Ok you make a chilli, fine you use a whole can of this and that, but I got tired of things going bad so I freeze portions and then I can have some for a rainy day….

Well, I am doing another challenge and I thank my buddy Jo for putting this bug in my eye (ear…. technology! ) Last night was the first night in awhile that I did not snack. So for 30 days I attempt to not snack after supper and in front of that TV. My supper was over at 6:30. What is amazing is that I watched a hockey game that was on TV from 9-11:30 PM and DID NOT SNACK! Wow. I pat myself on the back. *smiles* I was dreaming about different breakfasts and FOOD in general. I was a tad hungry I guess The only thing that was a bit strange was I woke up a bit moody, which is strange on my day off. But I ate a good breakfast and feel great now! Got loads of cleaning done and I feel like I am in heaven. Jo, I forgot to try the 10 minute thing…. but I will do that on the 3 rooms upstairs a bit later. Nifty idea!

I feel so good about food and exercise right now. No restrictions. A word on exercise - I am just doing it all in my week and keeping things moderately intense for the most part. Some days a little less. Eventually I need the high intensity workout. That is just a good “pill” for me. Just thoughtful discipline which is routed in my readings…. How to Practice The Way to a Meaningful Life. Life is good. Loving perspective and learning to really love me.

Have a peaceful week/weekend everyone. *wink*