Jennifer

Why shouldn’t I be completely open here?   Should I be afraid of people hurting me?  No.  Some secrets do no good bottled up.  This is a part of my journey that I need to share now.  For those who want just weight loss stuff, stop reading!  This is not for all.  This is personal and not about diet or weight loss.  So I think this is a good enough warning… laughing me ass off

I want to thank ALL my buddies who were so sweet and supportive.  We can not all be around all the time and I was lucky to have the ones I did.  This is what I will say about yesterday.  My little crisis which seemed ludicrous to me goes back a long time.  I am remembering bits that I have forgotten.   When I was stressed in high school which is in no way related to what I am remembering, I use to eat and eat and eat uncontrollably like I was trying to keep things under lock and key.  Weird.  It hardly makes any sense.   I never wanted to be fat in high school, MY GOD how hard is that!  Many of us know.  So I tell you all now, I use to have bulimic tendencies in order to try and combat the over eating.  This does not work well.  It is so unhealthy and destructive.  And when I am at my peak of stress which is rare, very rare, I feel that need… that old behavior calls me.  I am happy to say I am not doing this.  But that rage of eating with out an ability to stop (I am not talking about occasional sadness) it is something different then just the EE that I sometimes have felt.  Having talked to a few counselors, many feel that I am best at being open and thinking my problems through.  This seems  to me to be untrue when I am so lost.  But it took me so little time to calm down when I just reached out, so maybe.   At this point I just want to be whole and not have thoughts and weird maybe thoughts.  I am open to anything that is real.  I just do not want to keep going through the  stupid little memories that mean shit.  Yet the feelings of anxiety which are so real in my life are often there and mean everything.  I am getting better and better.  I really am.  But why yesterday?  Honestly, I think the cold has been getting to me.  Not enough vitamin D…. I really miss my walks, the sun.  Hormones/PMS.  Sugar. …. everything has lead me to this place, which I believe I am suppose to go through.  I am just so thankful for not feeling alone.  My boyfriend got me last night, poor guy…haha.

I feel like an amazon….hehe.  I feel so much stronger today and healthy.  Why I am feeling what I am, I do not Really know, but I know that I have so much strength.  I know that I have kept people at a distance and I am really lucky to have two friends who seem so far away and yet they are so close to me.  They are as close as I have been able to have people, but I really want to be closer to my female friends.  But I promise that I am working at being a better friend.  I love Ang and Kathy dearly.   They just know me and this is the blessing that comes with time.   And then I am lucky to have some dear people here.  Amazing woman.  I think we all are fantastic for just getting up and facing it all and trying to make our worlds better and better.  I just love you all.

Have a great weekend everyone.  I hope that we all can find some fun and adventurous things to do.  Let’s just do it!  Health, happiness and adventure!  *hugs*

[Food was not ideal for supper, but we were out evening shopping.  I promise I enjoyed every bite…. sushi and a brownie.  But when I got home I had some lovely tea and worked out 45 minutes on the elliptical.  Ahhh a week of maintaining.  So there was some not so ideal choices and some really good choices.  Every day is a good day to start anew and do it hopefully better and be good with ourselves.  My best choice yesterday was reaching out in the moment on this site.  I swear, Dr.Marc should sell T-shirts!!!]