Jennifer

I tried to not make this long, but it may be my therapy…lol I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I say this, because I contemplate the meaning of “holiday”, I see it as a huge joke. A bad joke, but nevertheless, a joke.

What was good ? When ever I could and I tried to make it happen more often then not, I WORKED OUT. Great for stress and great for my behind. The scale says I maintained and I am weighing in tomorrow.

I will say that the part with my family was pretty darn fine actually. We ate and boy did I eat junk, but it was fun. It was all fun and I do not recall any sadness. We played A LOT of Settlers of Catan which was awesome. My Mom is in love wtih it. I did witness my Mom’s excessive food consumption but did not make a thing out of it in my mind. Made me sad to see so much butter go into her body at once with a poppyseed bun that I suggested we make *sigh* I kind of just let it go. She is who she is and I just have to love her, even with her choices. Choices. Yes.

As for my boyfriends family…… They work dysfunctionally and functionally well WITH EACH OTHER. Confusing I know. Anyone outside of their family really just shakes their head or drinks along with them.

My boyfriend’s Mom - OBSESSESED with what OTHER’S are eating to the point of criticizing even healthy choices. She likes to think she knows about food but criticizes everything. I was very aware of this fact before going there and spent the majority of my so called holidays hungry. Thank the gods I took healthy snacks that I could munch on in secret (not my style but this was the way it was). 4 Times she criticized me and once I said” I KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH I EAT AND IT IS NOT SO MUCH” I said it in a way that really was the first time I have said anything to any one in that nutty family in such a tone. I really do not like labels, but really they are a bowl of mixed nuts. Last years nuts! SO what did she do, well it was just she and myself at the time and she left nervous and shaken to gamble at the Casino. What I really wish I would have said was ” How about you worry about your ass and I will worry about my now smaller ass!” But I took the high road and got my point across with a rather impressive tone. Still the stupidity, she was still commenting on the last day about I best not take too much oatmeal or I might be sick in the car ride home. WTF! Shear stupidity!

My Boyfriend’s sister - Eat disorder for sure, bulimic in the past and most certainly something is still going on. I decided before the trip that she is an attention seeking sad young lady, but she is not my problem to solve. She likes control and she can have it. She told me I have such amazing control. No. For the first part of the trip I ate NORMAL and healthy there. Eating good meals and having half or no dessert. I get her as at different moments in my past life (feels like that sometimes) I have been just like her. But I will never destroy myself like I feel she is doing to herself. And when you see the power on this girls face and in her eyes, you would know too, NOTHING will stop her from living the life she desires for herself. And so, I can not solve everything. All I could do there then was try and not sink down into that toxic pit of a family. It kind of makes me think about the past choices I have made and the choices I will make for myself in the future. Oh and with this girl, very nice and giving around her family and then snippy and like her mom when just with me. Nice and healthy minded individuals you see.

But then I just went into myself and was sad. I know I should just feel confident that I know what is best for me but it is difficult to be around poison. From now on I am going to remember how much more difficult it is to be around toxic people then it is to be around toxic food. Food I can deal with. If it is something I love I am going really think about if I REALLY want it or not. I am not sorry to say that I am throwing out numerous foods that I do not even want to look at. I froze some turkey and my mom sent home some mandarin oranges on the way back (had to pick up my dear fury boy, Oscar Meyer) The rest is going bye bye….. Both my mom and his mom gave him some sweets and that is that. Not my crap.

Then next couple of days/weeks I just want to get back to the good relationship I have learned to have with food. Clean eating!!! Resentment is also something I do not want to have for my boyfriend. That would not be fair. They are never rude with me in front of him. And I do not want to make a thing out of everything. But he is not like them. He retreats, ignores and is the most quiet out of them all. He goes out of obligation and to have that sense of family that we all desire. With all of my dysfunction within my family, I really appreciated what I have. It may not be much, but it is something that I can at least work with. Sometimes you need to see the dirt and clutter before you can feel clean and good inside.

Well this is a new day and tomorrow is a New Year. And it time to make this the life I want. Not sure what any of this means. But this is my life and I will by traveling the path I desire. It will be interesting to see where this path goes.

David just asked me now if I mentioned the good parts… I bet some of my buddies would rather hear about this. So I will write all about the good things in my next blog, but now I want a healthy breakfast. Thanks for reading. It was really about getting it off my chest. Bad stuff out….. Good stuff in !!! Oh the best was hanging out with David’s friend and his wife and eating East Indian and then working out with their Wii. FUN TIMES. I do detest those darn rabbits though. Loved tennis, volleyball, boxing, bowling and baseball !!!!

I love you so much my buddies. I had so many people’s hearts and faces in my heart and on my mind during this trip and YOU all kept me sane. You and my workouts were my blessings and I am so thankful for your present in my life. I was really difficult to stay well in my mind all the time. But I feel I did better then I would have with out you wonderful strong and supportive people. Yes, sappy Jenn is back. She was not her true self when she was away. Cheers to us. Cheers to you. *hugs*

[I try and understand EVERYONE so that I can be a more compassionate person. But I need to take better care of myself this year. I need to be less of a bunny and more of a force in my world. *working on it*]

LOL…. THIS is not brief for me, just so we know

I want to thank everyone who responded to my last blog and all who have provided words of wisdom and shared experiences with me throughout the past year. We are each others buddies and teachers and your help and kindness is greatly appreciated. I wish you all health and happiness throughout the holidays and into and beyond the New Year. Let’s make our goals realities and always remember the gift of patience which will get us to our destinations faster then any fad diet.

I was so mad yesterday when I learned of the dinner that is planned for today and the I took a breather and realized what is important. Knowing when to enjoy and when to say what I would prefer are important things for myself. So I will enjoy and my sweet Mom is making me sweet potatoes instead of frozen stuffed potatoes. I will enjoy the rest and workout! that has always been my philosophy and this will not change. Life is too short not to enjoy a little….. We are making poppyseed buns together… YUM.

See you in the New Year Buddies. Stay safe.

Love you!

I know all that I love about Christmas… giving, especially giving to strangers. I love how everything looks decorated and bright. I love wrapping presents and seeing people’s smiles.

I wrote this and did not know if I should post. I wrote it only for me. It is not bright and happy. It is the real me at this moment and as always, I am ever changing. I will not be blue for long. It is just not how I am anymore. I make my world better. I eat well. I work out. I share with you. It is a stressful time and I do not want to unload on David because it would be unfair. I have done enough of this. His family is already more chaotic then usual.

Well I hope you all are happy and relaxed. Well I can hope for it knowing that we are all a little rattled. Well I am doing all I need to do to keep my world balanced. Water, vitamins, Clean food (whole-aiming for 75% of the time), and enjoying only the things I absolutely love. When I am gone for a week I will be exercising at least 30 minutes of moderate intensity activity (walking, stationary bike) every day.

I am doing Weight Watchers this week and keeping in mind my extra 35 points. This should help me too.

I am not being all strict, but I am also not going to wait to the New Year because I will be damned if I let so much hard work go to waste. Let’s see, I can not control much of what will be through out these holidays, so I am going to focus on healthy choices and occasionally indulging in a wine spritzer. Maybe those little bubbles will be all I need to giggle a little. Ah I am being a dork. I love Christmas but I find that my people often get in the way a bit. Strangers, I LOVE THEM. I love you all and I will miss you. But yeh, family. I see I would be sad without them and yet to shake them senseless sometimes seems to be a bit of a thrilling activity. As you can see, I am in a satirical state. I am revving up for my week.

I have had many new ideas about what I want for my future and then some questions too. I just do not want to go away for these holidays, spend time with people who bring me down usually, only to have my sadness peak again. I am trying really hard to be thankful and see what I have. I just think that I have come far, but have I come far enough in my thinking to not let people get away with ripping my spirit to shreds? Yet I want to be the good girl and not lay into anyone and cause tension at this holiday time. Ahhh…….

I see my client who is old and losing her mind and I know I must cherish the time I have with my Mom. You just never know what can happen in life. So maybe I best think about how things would be without her and how they can be now. She is my only family really and we have a very strange and distant (not just miles) relationship. Perhaps I will make those days the best that they can be. I mean we are only there briefly, but certainly over Christmas. I know I should look at this as more of an opportunity for us.

I know…. it is all in how you see things. I see that I want to pretend to be confident. Because THIS, I AM NOT. Off to workout.

P.S.: I will sing happy birthday Jesus only because my buddy Shanna gave me a reminder to do so. Maybe this will bring me out of my anxiety and into the true meaning of Christmas…… the birth of someone special.

I am COMPLETELY aware that I am being selfish and should be thinking about those who have nothing.

(I gained…. just working out. Butt exercises, elliptical and some wonderful walking and a nice day. It is so warm today…hehe)

Well, life is going well. I have been reasonable and I am progressing. One example. The insurance guy comes by 2 days ago (why do I give him money? May have to assess soon.) and sees the elliptical. He assumed that my boyfriend is the healthy one who uses it. WHAT? This man does not even know that I am the one using it and David uses it about once every 2 months. *Sigh* Must not rely on others to bring me up and at the same time, they must not be allowed to bring me down. I remember this for the coming weeks. Perhaps I will make a T-shirt :

Some words are better left to enter and then exit my head!

Phenomenal woman

beaUtiful !!! (Need to explain why I do the capital “U”. For me, beauty is about more then a pretty face or a stunning dress on a great body. Beauty is about the special and loving self that is inside all of us. When we love and are so kind and are not afraid to let that love show, I say that is true beauty. And so I use beaUtiful to describe that level of beauty that is beyond the superficial and the runway. It is so often as I have seen, every single one of you! That is why we are here. We give and we give and then we receive the words, concern and love of others. This is Buddyslim. And it is beaUtiful too…. of course a loss in pounds, that is beyond even beaUtiful. Tis beaUtiful and healthy.)

I will not forget where I have been and where I am going.

Work in progress, but still pretty damn fine.

This man who I gave money to is nothing compared to the family. I think everything will be great this month, because I am different. I am so thankful for you strong and wonderful ladies who inspire me over and over.

So many of you remind me with your words that it is not about being perfect or having an ideal day. It is about the courage to just believe in me. And keep progressing. There is no one step, two step back that will keep me from moving forward.

So, my client (her daughter really) gave out gifts to the caregivers yesterday. A huge tray of the most beautiful nuts. YUM. Now my first thought is, wow….pounds. Then I see the most beautiful bow. The green that is my favorite and I love it. I know me…I will never let go of this bow. It is so beautiful and simple and me. Green.

I love giving so much. I know I went overboard as I often do, but I just love giving. It seems to be the best thing. I know for myself, it is the secret gifts that make me warm and all child like. I love this time of year. Just in the moment and loving me. Love you all. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you everyone for your comments.  I have not been good.  My eating lately has not been about seasonal food.  I feel myself sliding and I just have not been where I want to be, not even close.  No gory details.  I am just feeling the need to come to the only place I know where people get me.  No judgment.  No one saying ahh who cares, you are little.  The thing is, it is scary when you have come so far and seen so much improvement and then you go and have some bad days/weeks and also clothes that were loose are suddenly tight.  Well, I am dusting myself off and aiming for a good week.  I am not adjusting the scale today, but I will be weighing in Wednesday (ticker will go up…I am aware and expecting this) and Friday.  No excuses.  Oh and I am wearing the tight clothes as to not forget that I do not want to outgrow them.  Cheers to us.

*dreaming of that warm vacation already…wink wink*

Just had to laugh because a lady left a comment to “enjoy the non-chaos” and it is so chaotic, but ya know, bring it on.  I had my Moment of guilt and now it is GONE!  Last night I indulged and you know what I mean by this… just a little too much at the wrong time, but ya know, SO WHAT.  I am good.  No worries.  Who cares about one, or two or three (I once gained 20 over the holidays… clearly not all fat weight) extras.  Just doing my best and WORKING OUT !!!  Have a fantastic weekend Everyone.  *hugs to you*

P.S.:  Thank you to all my buddies for all your support.  You are the best.

Bon Jovi was amazing on Monday and it was well worth the wait. I am SURE I would have been much more crazed if I had gone the first time in grade 12, but it was still great to hear so many old songs and then of course the new.

Things have been so busy lately and I am really so aware of how I want to keep myself level by keeping my sugar intake in check and I have said it before, but I need to again because my emotions can get all over the place when I consume too much sweets. I am not denying myself those flavors of the season that I enjoy most, but I am trying to keep things at A PORTION. And when I do go a little over, I just make it up with activity. This is working pretty well. The coolest thing that is REALLY working (and I learned this from the Sugar Solution) is to balance those sweets with some good protein. No moodiness, sleepiness, blah feeling OR yeastiness…lol Had to say that. The season can be stressful as it is and I am so glad that my treats are not adding to the former chaotic Jenn.

What to write? I will share a poem I recently found. It really clicked with me.

Rush Swiftly Soul - by Loretta Garing

Rush swiftly soul

through he soft dark night

and with reverence await

dawn’s beckoning light.

—————-

For the ‘morrow in slpendor

will move through your being

with a spirit majestic

and totally freeing.

———————

So, lift up your eyes

to the far eastern sky

trusting all to the Lord

who dwells on high.

——————-

And stop into the future

with a courage for living

plus a measure of love

for the most generous giving.

———————-

I found this poem and wrote it in the back of my journal (food & exercise journal). My little and wonderful lil’ journal is seriously like a little friend that has provided much feedback to me in the last little while and I never knew that I could be so committed to anything like this. I really love it. I look back to the first page, Saturday, September 29, 2007 and I am so glad I started and have remained true to the experience. Everyday, even if I wrote I am over my points and from this point on the moment is new! Every page is a new day. I also wrote a few things about my 3 months of recording at the back like how is has been so useful.

• valuable to see patterns - mood, physical and even spiritual changes
• It is a very REAL way to see what I am consuming + how much. When you have to write things down on an EE day, it slows you down + makes you think. (and the guilt of it all has left my mind and this I am so thankful for)
• Helps me to see what I want which is to eat healthy and to have good spirits

A while back I also wrote on the last page all the foods that we like/love and this has served as a good resource in those times that you think or say “another meal and no ideas. What do I/we want? *no ideas* Take out?” We have really done this less then we use to and that is of course a good thing. So with a list of something like 20 things, there is almost always something that appeals or I can make. Like tonight, I could not think what I would make on my day off, well mini tuna casserole muffins it is…. something I came up with a long time ago that brings healthiness into the old old tuna casserole that I use to make. That and a salad. I love easy recipes! The really neat thing about my journal was that I wrote the recipes and also my reflections and then when I went to fill in the rest of the days on each of the remaining pages, the last day just worked out to be Monday, December 31, 2007. Neat. hehehe…

So I am also loving my commitment to my movement and the Dec. walking/cardio challenge. Keeps me honest and active. I will be gone about a week around Christmas but I am still going to walk at least in one of the two places I will be. I hear my Mom and stepfather recently bought an exercise bike. Not something I usually do so I will give that a whirl too.

I hope you all are doing well with the goodies and the stress. Hope you are feeling the goodness of the season too. Yesterday I found my bliss as I walked to work in the most beautiful and light snow fall. With my music and the beauty of the river I thought IT WAS CHRISTMAS, then I realized I better pick up my speed or else be late for work…. As I walked faster Mother Nature decided to dump more and more snow. Ha! I LOVED IT! *smiles* Have a great day/weekend everyone.

Things have been good. Food is not as ideal and that is just fine. I am drinking plenty of water, getting some high fiber foods in, fruits and veggies, and exercising. I did not work out as much this weekend, but that was okay, because I wanted to have some good energy for Christmas things…. decorating, cookie making (YUM.. gingersnaps…never have made them before and I had a desire….but I made them for games day at a friends), wrapping presents, relaxing, enjoying the weekend!

We were to go to some friend’s place for games afternoon on Sunday, but they are breaking up I think. He came over to our place instead of us going there. So instead of high fat foods, I quickly cut up a huge plate of veggies (hummus in the middle), fruits, other light snacks and then we also had the decorated ginger snaps from the previous night. We had some fun I think playing games, though it is a stressful time for him. That has got to be tough when you make plans to go on a long trip with your partner at Christmas and then you breakup before. Yikes. What can ya say, *hugs*. Hugs are best. NOT happy about this… very sad actually. But love hurts sometimes, this we all know.

This weekend was reasonable. George has left the vicinity…. *does a happy dance* …and I will appreciate his visit next month. But as for now, I am actually down one pound. Very loosely recorded the points and recorded the food, but it was quick short hand… too much time for so much more. This week I do more activity… variety and the muscle kind…lol

I have to run and get started on the other part of my day. SO much to do and I have BON JOVI tonight. I am so freaking excited!!! *SsCcReAaMm*

Love you all. Read blogs this AM and I thank you for your words. Keep up all the hard work ladies/guys. We can do our best which does not have to be perfect. But can we keep one thing in mind? R-E-S-P-E-C-T !!!! Let’s respect ourselves by saying good things to ourselves, nourishing our precious bodies and moving moving moving to keep things working as they were meant to work. Love you all. *hugs*

So this week is after a previously emotional week and then this week which had me rejoicing from a visit from George. Well he is still here. And then there was a chocolate nut binge which was small by my Old standards, but still too large for anyone. Well I maintained this week. Not so bad when I think about it.

My points went like this:

35-30-31-42-45-28 ….. Well good, now I know how to maintain *rolls eyes*….hehe In like 3 years of following the WW philosophies I have never had such am enjoyable/high point week. No guilt as I recorded either. That is the best thing and I have to say, it is the thing I have been kind of worried about. Will I be able to maintain or will I gain or will I keep losing and look awful? Since being here I have become comfortable with the word “diet”. No biggie. Just like a lot of things in life though, NO BIGGIE. Well, 149 is likely to be my upper weight once I lose this darn skin that plagues my legs, but this I know - At present this is the healthiest and fittest I have ever been in my life. I look at my weight now and I was this weight when I was around 10 years old. Wow.

Life is good.

Now, this week with all my activity, I would like my points to be 26-34. I am not feeling the need to restrict myself because I am just not in this mindset right now. If I have a couple days of high points like last, c’est la vie! I think maintaining is wonderful, especially if my body is continuing to change like it is with the replacement of fat with muscle.

I wish you all the best this weekend and I hope your world is filled with peace and happiness.

Cheers to all who are struggling and all who are experiencing success. We all will get to our goals with perseverance and forgiveness. I had to do some personal forgiving this week. Those less then ideal choices do not have to mean they are the end of our asses But good choices must be made to balance them.

Off to work out.

Had a bit of a thing with some chocolate cashews. Sure I was experiencing some emotions, but I knew I was and the chocolate cashews were just there. Oh they should not have been here, but they were. Anyways, it was not out of control. I think looking back it was more like defiance and they just tasted good. I think I was feeling bad and felt like I was entitled (yes Rhonda, entitled) to it. What a lesson! I do not think they were so good as to “mess up” the week. Well I know, no long term harm because I am back at it today…. good reasonable eating and exercise. I know, I know, I have at least one buddy who will be thinking, what, how many did she really eat??? Well over the course of the day, I ate about 350 grams *looks at the can*. Well, no use crying in my soymilk. Nope nope nope!!!

Today I am going to record my intake on this post just because I can and I will post it after work. I have to plan my day because of work, so why not make it a good one. Tomorrow I am weighing in and that is that.

Hope everyone has had a great few days. All the best to you this weekend. THANK ME (and Ms. Fiesty always) for committing to the forum. Love that place!

My Friday intake:

Breakfast: 1/3 c oatmeal, 1/2 c unsweetened soymilk, 1 apple, green tea, vitamins (4 pts)

30 min. elliptical, 50 min. pilates

Snack: 1/2 c. plain fat free yogurt, celery (1 pt.)

Lunch: raw veggies, 1/2 c. brown rice & lentils, 2 tofu dog & salsa, 1/2 can of salmon, 10 g. dark (85% chocolate),Matcha tea (11 pts)

Snack: 1/4 c. roasted soybeans, 1 T. chorella, 1 oatmeal raisin cookie (6 pts)

Supper: 1/2 c. green peas, 1/2 c. sweet potato (plain), 3 oz. tuna - all with lemon and pepper, raw veggies, 1/2 c. yogurt w/ 1/2 c. blueberries, cinnamon, dash of stevia. (6 pts)

Ca/Mg/vit D. & water

According to Weight Watchers at this weight I am to have 22 pts as my goal per day (not counting the extra points). Well for my activity level this is too low. Usually I do well with 24-30. Well today, I was a good girl and had 28 (under 1500 calories). This is amazing with all the strength training I have been doing. Tomorrow I weigh in and we shall see. I will likely also weigh in Monday for the usual shits and giggles Hehe.. Life is good