Mixed emotions
I know all that I love about Christmas… giving, especially giving to strangers. I love how everything looks decorated and bright. I love wrapping presents and seeing people’s smiles.
I wrote this and did not know if I should post. I wrote it only for me. It is not bright and happy. It is the real me at this moment and as always, I am ever changing. I will not be blue for long. It is just not how I am anymore. I make my world better. I eat well. I work out. I share with you. It is a stressful time and I do not want to unload on David because it would be unfair. I have done enough of this. His family is already more chaotic then usual.
Well I hope you all are happy and relaxed. Well I can hope for it knowing that we are all a little rattled. Well I am doing all I need to do to keep my world balanced. Water, vitamins, Clean food (whole-aiming for 75% of the time), and enjoying only the things I absolutely love. When I am gone for a week I will be exercising at least 30 minutes of moderate intensity activity (walking, stationary bike) every day.
I am doing Weight Watchers this week and keeping in mind my extra 35 points. This should help me too.
I am not being all strict, but I am also not going to wait to the New Year because I will be damned if I let so much hard work go to waste. Let’s see, I can not control much of what will be through out these holidays, so I am going to focus on healthy choices and occasionally indulging in a wine spritzer. Maybe those little bubbles will be all I need to giggle a little. Ah I am being a dork. I love Christmas but I find that my people often get in the way a bit. Strangers, I LOVE THEM. I love you all and I will miss you. But yeh, family. I see I would be sad without them and yet to shake them senseless sometimes seems to be a bit of a thrilling activity. As you can see, I am in a satirical state. I am revving up for my week.
I have had many new ideas about what I want for my future and then some questions too. I just do not want to go away for these holidays, spend time with people who bring me down usually, only to have my sadness peak again. I am trying really hard to be thankful and see what I have. I just think that I have come far, but have I come far enough in my thinking to not let people get away with ripping my spirit to shreds? Yet I want to be the good girl and not lay into anyone and cause tension at this holiday time. Ahhh…….
I see my client who is old and losing her mind and I know I must cherish the time I have with my Mom. You just never know what can happen in life. So maybe I best think about how things would be without her and how they can be now. She is my only family really and we have a very strange and distant (not just miles) relationship. Perhaps I will make those days the best that they can be. I mean we are only there briefly, but certainly over Christmas. I know I should look at this as more of an opportunity for us.
I know…. it is all in how you see things. I see that I want to pretend to be confident. Because THIS, I AM NOT. Off to workout.
P.S.: I will sing happy birthday Jesus only because my buddy Shanna gave me a reminder to do so. Maybe this will bring me out of my anxiety and into the true meaning of Christmas…… the birth of someone special.
I am COMPLETELY aware that I am being selfish and should be thinking about those who have nothing.
Honey, all emotions are mixed emotions. Nothing is ever simple. But try to understand your mother, unless she is just one of those people no one can understand. Then try to just tolerate her. Don’t let anyone ruin your holiday. You are NOT selfish. Happy birthday, dear Jesus, happy birthday to you. Just think of all the new things you have learned and done this year. You have kept so many of us inspired and on track. Love, love, love you. Big hug, Marge
YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH!!! I saw this bumper sticker on a car the other day and I thought it was so true. I’m paraphrasing but it said something like, “Be kind to all for everyone is fighting a battle.” The point is, dear Jenn, that your stuggles are just as hard as those fighting other types of struggles. There’s no use in trying to lessen the pain but you are right when you deal with them in a productive way. Nevertheless, please don’t ever feel bad about feeling what you do!! Have a good time away and happy holidays to you and your family.
We both need to take a deep breath, I too am feeling stressed. Step back for a second and think what this is all about anyways. Hang in there, and enjoy the holiday, and know that I will be taking my own advice, and trying to slow down, too. Love ya!
You are not being selfish, not by a long shot! I am very much in tune with how you are feeling! I have never been one to like Christmas very much, even as a child. Now that I am a mom, Christmas is much more special to me, specially because it’s my son’s favorite time of year!
Here’s the deal Jenn: like in your case, my family doesn’t bring me joy. I love spending Christmas with my mom, dad & sister (and of course, my new nuclear family), but we do this extended family thing (aunts, uncles, cousins & other relatives). These people are nice in their own right, but if I would’ve had ANY say at all, they wouldn’t be my family. I don’t feel good and comfortable around them, they are always bringing me down….not their doing necessarily, I just don’t like being around them…I do it because it makes my mom happy. It’s always a struggle for me and when I am with them, I overeat—WHY? Because it’s too uncomfortable for me, so I turn to what I have always known to make me temporarily happy! WE have to remind ourselves that this is only a ONCE a year event and concentrate on what Christmas is all about—the birth of Jesus.
I’m sorry you are feeling uneasy Jennifer. But I truly understand. Christmas can be so stressful, we are forced to spend time with people that we might not be comfortable with.
You are on top of your emotions thank goodness. You can write them down and vent to your friends, and I think that is therapy in itself.
You are not selfish, not one little bit and your family and friends are sooooooooooooo lucky and blessed to have you in their lives. Have a drink for me…I’ll giggle along with you!!! We’ll get through it all girlfriend…you take care. Big hugs coming your way!!
Jennifer, I hope you get to feeling better soon ! Those blues can be a bummer ! Singing Happy B-Day to Jesus is a great idea ! Nothing better than to honor him with a song ! A song also brings your heart light! I’m hear for you ! Kimmi
If you are feeling anything, by all means post here. We are always here to help encourage you and cheer you on.
This time of year is always stressful when it should be a happy time, but we cannot control our family. We can control ourselves and choose to not let anyone get to us. I know, easier said than done. I wish you the best Jenn and hope you had a great holiday!