Jennifer

I tried to not make this long, but it may be my therapy…lol I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I say this, because I contemplate the meaning of “holiday”, I see it as a huge joke. A bad joke, but nevertheless, a joke.

What was good ? When ever I could and I tried to make it happen more often then not, I WORKED OUT. Great for stress and great for my behind. The scale says I maintained and I am weighing in tomorrow.

I will say that the part with my family was pretty darn fine actually. We ate and boy did I eat junk, but it was fun. It was all fun and I do not recall any sadness. We played A LOT of Settlers of Catan which was awesome. My Mom is in love wtih it. I did witness my Mom’s excessive food consumption but did not make a thing out of it in my mind. Made me sad to see so much butter go into her body at once with a poppyseed bun that I suggested we make *sigh* I kind of just let it go. She is who she is and I just have to love her, even with her choices. Choices. Yes.

As for my boyfriends family…… They work dysfunctionally and functionally well WITH EACH OTHER. Confusing I know. Anyone outside of their family really just shakes their head or drinks along with them.

My boyfriend’s Mom - OBSESSESED with what OTHER’S are eating to the point of criticizing even healthy choices. She likes to think she knows about food but criticizes everything. I was very aware of this fact before going there and spent the majority of my so called holidays hungry. Thank the gods I took healthy snacks that I could munch on in secret (not my style but this was the way it was). 4 Times she criticized me and once I said” I KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH I EAT AND IT IS NOT SO MUCH” I said it in a way that really was the first time I have said anything to any one in that nutty family in such a tone. I really do not like labels, but really they are a bowl of mixed nuts. Last years nuts! SO what did she do, well it was just she and myself at the time and she left nervous and shaken to gamble at the Casino. What I really wish I would have said was ” How about you worry about your ass and I will worry about my now smaller ass!” But I took the high road and got my point across with a rather impressive tone. Still the stupidity, she was still commenting on the last day about I best not take too much oatmeal or I might be sick in the car ride home. WTF! Shear stupidity!

My Boyfriend’s sister - Eat disorder for sure, bulimic in the past and most certainly something is still going on. I decided before the trip that she is an attention seeking sad young lady, but she is not my problem to solve. She likes control and she can have it. She told me I have such amazing control. No. For the first part of the trip I ate NORMAL and healthy there. Eating good meals and having half or no dessert. I get her as at different moments in my past life (feels like that sometimes) I have been just like her. But I will never destroy myself like I feel she is doing to herself. And when you see the power on this girls face and in her eyes, you would know too, NOTHING will stop her from living the life she desires for herself. And so, I can not solve everything. All I could do there then was try and not sink down into that toxic pit of a family. It kind of makes me think about the past choices I have made and the choices I will make for myself in the future. Oh and with this girl, very nice and giving around her family and then snippy and like her mom when just with me. Nice and healthy minded individuals you see.

But then I just went into myself and was sad. I know I should just feel confident that I know what is best for me but it is difficult to be around poison. From now on I am going to remember how much more difficult it is to be around toxic people then it is to be around toxic food. Food I can deal with. If it is something I love I am going really think about if I REALLY want it or not. I am not sorry to say that I am throwing out numerous foods that I do not even want to look at. I froze some turkey and my mom sent home some mandarin oranges on the way back (had to pick up my dear fury boy, Oscar Meyer) The rest is going bye bye….. Both my mom and his mom gave him some sweets and that is that. Not my crap.

Then next couple of days/weeks I just want to get back to the good relationship I have learned to have with food. Clean eating!!! Resentment is also something I do not want to have for my boyfriend. That would not be fair. They are never rude with me in front of him. And I do not want to make a thing out of everything. But he is not like them. He retreats, ignores and is the most quiet out of them all. He goes out of obligation and to have that sense of family that we all desire. With all of my dysfunction within my family, I really appreciated what I have. It may not be much, but it is something that I can at least work with. Sometimes you need to see the dirt and clutter before you can feel clean and good inside.

Well this is a new day and tomorrow is a New Year. And it time to make this the life I want. Not sure what any of this means. But this is my life and I will by traveling the path I desire. It will be interesting to see where this path goes.

David just asked me now if I mentioned the good parts… I bet some of my buddies would rather hear about this. So I will write all about the good things in my next blog, but now I want a healthy breakfast. Thanks for reading. It was really about getting it off my chest. Bad stuff out….. Good stuff in !!! Oh the best was hanging out with David’s friend and his wife and eating East Indian and then working out with their Wii. FUN TIMES. I do detest those darn rabbits though. Loved tennis, volleyball, boxing, bowling and baseball !!!!

I love you so much my buddies. I had so many people’s hearts and faces in my heart and on my mind during this trip and YOU all kept me sane. You and my workouts were my blessings and I am so thankful for your present in my life. I was really difficult to stay well in my mind all the time. But I feel I did better then I would have with out you wonderful strong and supportive people. Yes, sappy Jenn is back. She was not her true self when she was away. Cheers to us. Cheers to you. *hugs*

[I try and understand EVERYONE so that I can be a more compassionate person. But I need to take better care of myself this year. I need to be less of a bunny and more of a force in my world. *working on it*]

LOL…. THIS is not brief for me, just so we know