Jennifer

So much on my mind this AM. Firstly, David and I are doing WW without the meetings. We are doing points. He gets so much more then me and I am sucking it up Buttercup! I have desires for my birthday so the fact that I only get 24 and not 32 like him, c’est la vie! I am aiming for 4 exercise points per day. My metabolism is doing great thanks to exercise and good food (and some not so good food). But the days of constant food are over and done with and I have new sizes I want to be. I have my good health and I am so thankful that everyone around me has good health too.

Not so weight related: One of the woman who have been such a distant inspiration to me, Bif Naked (Beth Torbert) has breast cancer and is to have surgery this week. Right before I heard this information on Canada AM this morning I just started dry heaving. Weird. Then that news. I made some ginger tea and sat. It always comes back to, YES I want things for myself and I will never stop at trying to be the best that I can be (somethings are easier to achieve then others), but we have to appreciate all that is good. I appreciate the strength that I have learned is in me to just keep moving forward. I am keeping the components of healthy living as balanced as I can (nutrition, exercise, spirituality). It is so strange, but it feels like a dear friend has cancer. I will make my day great, but I can not be all cheery today. I will find a little cheer though.

The teaching for myself right now, WHY AM I NOT CHECKING MY BREASTS MORE OFTEN? Cancer can happen to anyone and though we can do a lot to help ourselves, it is not a curse or something that just certain people develop. We all need to be aware. Paps and breast exams do not take long when you consider the alternative. Caring for others and ourselves is good living.

My client changed times so tomorrow will be really busy, but it was good to think today. Nice to have some silence. Well… time to get fit !

I am back in the fitness forum and I love it. With 6 days left in my WW week I only have 13 extra points. For those who know the points system, you know that I have a real struggle ahead, hehe, but if this is my biggest struggle this week, well then bring it on. So much on my mind, but I want to kind of keep this somewhat diet related for myself.

Have a great week everyone!

Well the food challenges are not for me. As soon as I think NO, I really start to think YES. No sugar!!! I want sugar! It is really a way of being. I always need to remember that I can not be denied. Only positive thinking works and my buddies have told me over and over. I know! I seem to think I can conquerer this, but I need to accept some things and go with it. Exercise is the only way I will lose the last bit of body fat. Has anyone ever been close to goal after having been a large number and had a huge appetite? I have not been working out like I did in December either. I guess I need to find the right amount of activity and hope I do not eat us out of house and home…lol Well I know what I need to do. Eat good healthy bulky food and move moderately.

It was David’s b-day and I did not deny myself all day. I did not do well with the challenge and as much as I wanted to do it, I can not. I enjoyed some snacks, some sirloin steak, did not enjoy the wine (I apparently like expensive) and really enjoyed the first 5 minutes of some chocolate and some cake. *sigh* Well, I think I only needed the steak. Sometimes I am repulsed by meat and then other times I need it. I really do believe this. Well I am eating mostly vegetarian (and plenty of fish) until I need, really need other nutrients.

I started the AM with my detox and a vegetarian shake (real lemon juice, spinach, tomatoes, celery, and my complete veg. protein powder, flax seeds). I really feel so alive when I start my day with something raw. Strange. Home cooked/prepared meals today. Notice I am not saying “no eating out” because that would be negative…hehe. We are going to what I feel will be an awesome movie. I am looking forward to it and I will share later. I do not want to set the hopes too high, but I think it might be the best movie I see this year….lol Ahhh we will see. Theater popcorn is never something I crave so that is easy.

So eating healthy and moving more. It really is this simple. And when I do not try and complicate things with unrealistic expectations, LIFE IS GOOD. No kidding! Ahhh I do sound like my mother. *shakes head*

Have a great week everyone.

P.S.: Note on the journal thing. I am not proud of this perfectionist attitude, but I ripped the first 5 pages out of my new journal. I wrote religiously in the other until it was finished never ripping out a page. But last night I was PISSED OFF at MYSELF. No more ripping, but I just was so mad! Today, back to honest journaling. No guilt. Respect !!! Ahhh how the Buddhist mentality left me around Christmas. Since when did I not love a complex situation??? Why can I not live a spiritual life rather then being confined to a religious one? NO KIDDING.

I have been truly awful lately diet wise and so since my hockey team (the Oilers) and I have both been sucking, I decided to post my legs. Maybe THE OILERS WILL START TO WIN TOO!!! Most who know me have never seen my legs, well, they are looking pretty okay these days and I would like them to not go back to a time where they were the body part I would do anything to hide. So, I am trying to be a good girl these days and stop eating junk. NO MORE CRAP. What good is a detox if I continue to eat nutritionally deficient foods (white bread, corn nuts?, tarts, SUGAR!) Just trying so hard to get back to my good place. I thought I was there, but it is tough to get back after a bad 2 months of being a little junkie. Only my muscles have saved me from not increasing my clothing size.

And yes, gentle, gentle gentle……. Just do not want to feel awful anymore……..

It is not even about the weight loss or getting to goal, it is just about achieving good health by feeding myself better.

Peace and happiness….

Work was incredibly strange yesterday. My client may have an infection and is hallucinating. Very strange to be around the delusional, LET ME TELL YOU! Hope today is better since she will have taken 3 antibiotics. *fingers crossed*

Need to share a quick revelation I had. Food yesterday became the enemy, well it felt like that. By avoiding foods and seeing foods even for a brief time as “bad” I have in the past couple of days started to want the not so good and not even want the healthy foods that I usually want (I COULD NOT EAT VEGGIES YESTERDAY? LOL… Call the insane asylum because I think I have lost it myself ) But seriously, I figure that since I have been home I have been wanting those things that I told myself were bad over Christmas. Whether it is mental or chemical (both?) I do not know, but I KNOW that keeping a balanced approach to my intake is essential for controlling cravings. I will not be denying myself anything. It is all about moderation and balance.

I started to think about the little food fantasy I had the other day with the red wine, cheese, fruit, dark chocolate and meat of some kind (chicken, beef, shrimp…whatever) for our treat meal. WHY was it such an intense fantasy and why did I want it so bad? All those foods have nutritional value and though some have more then others, they are nonetheless good. Thinking that they were naughty foods made them appealing but it did not make them evil. Sure the wine and the cheese are sometimes foods, not everyday food/drink, but labels only create havoc in my head. I found my Good Place last night when yesterday I was wanting wanting wanting and realized this is about keeping things real and level. No doubt over the latter part of my holidays when I was denying myself good and a little not so healthy fat, my body felt a little fearful or lacking. Because since I have been home it has been ALL ABOUT THE FAT. Well I know why and things are going to be just fine.

Things happen always at the right time I think. There are no mistakes I have heard people say. With 30 minutes left in my shift, why is it that I turned to a channel I never watch to watch a show I have never seen about people who overeat. Not sure what the program was, but I believe it was on TLC. Very interesting. Within 10 minutes I had unraveled my cravings and the reasons. I had so much in common with them except that I have learned a few things about myself over the years. Like when I am around people with food issues, mine that I fight so hard to deal with are SO CLOSE to me. They never go away. But luckily when I am just with myself, I can see the light and feel good again.

For the life of me I can not tell you why I ate when stressed in high school. Just not sure. But on the show experts said that it can be a learned behavior and certainly I have seen my Mom do it. Stuff and stuff and stuff more food. Well I have had that urge since I have been home and it’s a desire that I could not stop UNTIL I saw 600-800 lb people (some bed ridden) talking about their uncontrollable urges and their lives. My unhealthy desires are gone!

Recognition.

Moderation & Balance.

I adjusted my ticker and I am not discouraged because I feel pretty much the same with only a little poofiness here and there. Twas the season to let go a bit and that was fine. Nuts, cheese, loved the really good wine I picked out, chocolate. I have to say, the cookies and squares that I have loved in the past, I did not love as much. I need to remember this for the future. I did not indulge in these past loves as much and this is just a sign of how much I have changed over the past year. I recognize I still have loves, but even milk chocolate leaves me unsatisfied and wanting, wanting wanting. And even more milk chocolate does not ever satisfy it. So, I am trying to say NO to the milk chocolate.

George surprised me and so did my love for a new red wine. Last night David and I enjoyed some good conversation and discovered the joy of slightly more expensive wine along with a nice old cheese. Now not exactly diet food. We are making this along with some fruit, dark chocolate and maybe a nicely prepared protein our monthly or bi-monthly treat. We REALLY loved the combination and the experience of the quality. WOW….. a good way to bring in the New Year and necessary considering all the stress that has been hovering over this month. Good times. We did not even know it was officially the New Year until we heard the cheers from outside, downtown.

So, not exactly clean eating, but those are a few of my treat foods to be enjoyed. Clean eating is a manner or eating well with no chemicals, added sugars and bad fats and this is something I continue with. Well let’s be serious, I start up because the “holidays” have been hindering the clean eating plan. I am going to continue with the exercise that has been so good for me. I also in the New Year begin to work on some other areas of my life that are a little shabby. My goal is to be less sad, less sorry, less angry at myself and more forward, organized and happy with my requests. People may be hearing such things as “with all due respect, I request that you mind your own business because I have other things to think about other then your petty and unnecessary ideas of how my life would be better in your eyes. Think more about your life and less about mine, please.” LOL… shit like this never goes over well. People usually need less words in order to catch the drift. What ever. I use to be better in the moment. As my therapist asked me this year, “what is it that you most use to like about yourself?” Oh yeh. Now I remember. Confidence. This I use to to have. I am tired of the claws out there. But it does not work to fight back. It only works to use my words with a gentle force that wakes people up to the person I have always been. Sleeping for a time, but ready to make this life of her’s a bit better…..This is my year.

With the loss of weight and thoughts of diet and exercise I have come to better place then I have been. But this is not everything of course. This year is about finding me and learning about my passions and limitless heart and power. I feel a little overwhelmed and excited too.

Tea Cheers to all. Happy New Year !!! *wink*

[Diet related info: I am doing a 10 day detox to start my year off.  ]