Jennifer

I forgot that sometimes I should mind my own business and pretend that I do not care. Sometimes my big heart, though not so good at showing the love, does too much.  Maybe…. must remember why I do things I suppose.   I guess we all feel like this sometimes. Like I have this great fear that I am not going to fit in the group. As I read Anatomy of the Spirit I am starting to see how it is that I have come to be this person. And because of all the wisdom that has been picked along my path in the forms of books, experience and people, I know that the past is not all that I am. Who likes me or does not should not matter. But still I feel fragile at times. I do not want to let it all go. I have come too far to throw in the towel. This is for me. What I do, what I eat, how I take care of myself, who I chose to let into my world/let go, what I chose to do with this precious time, this is my life and I really should do the best I can with it.

Instead of saying to myself, that hurts me, offends me, blah, blah, blah…….. Why does it hurt me? Offend me? What is it about me that reacts in this way? I want to be better then just a sad person who thinks that something is wrong with someone else or even myself. It is all about my life and how I chose to see things. How can I have a great day and maybe still help those around me. WHAT DO I WANT?

Well for starters I want to go and meditate…….. *life stuff*

I have been chewing more slowly and taking in those smaller meals. Digestion is now one of my strengths. I am now understanding that some emotional conflicts with in myself and that poor digestion of before are what lead to those past little cancer cells. I am not worried about them reappearing or anything else. I have so many more abilities and skills and so much more knowledge. I appreciate my efforts to get me here. I can actually feel where my stress is in my body when it occurs and dealing with it or letting it go is my task and it is part of my life. Still learning this art……..

I have to have that solid base and because I did not have mine earlier in life, I have to find the tools and materials and build. People and books have helped me too, but ultimately it is up to me to keep going forward and solidifying my base.

Yesterday I made the mistake of thinking that helping someone would help me to feel better about myself. It did not because it was not received. Why do I care? Part of me is still wanting to be cared for and acknowledged when the only thing that matters is creating a self that I can live with. It is a slippery situation when you are so down and out that you are relying on others for acknowledgment . The response may never come. Now that is not power!

Buddyslim is still the best place I think for me to write. Mostly this is because I still am very nutrition/weight loss minded and so few outside of this place ‘get it’. But this place is still about ‘getting it done’ and no one from another city can get me to get it done. This is my life, now what am I doing about it?

Not a great day, though not a horrible one either. Just one of those days where moodiness seemed to prevail. I would like to leave the junk here though. I have to wear a brace for awhile on my knee. That sucks. But what sucks even more is that I felt helpless. David went running all over the place to find one that worked. That is right my fat legs just did not want to fit into anything. So I have felt powerless and moody. Of course I did not make ideal food choices so this is contributing to my crankiness. Honestly though, I have been just fine lately, but so critical of myself and my choices today. I will not be going to my part time job for a couple weeks. This works out for studying anyways. It seemed that by trying to do too much too soon I made things a little worse for the my knee. There is nothing major wrong says the Dr. but I do need to take it easy…. pulled this, crackling rosy cartilage that.   So, I got my little funk out of the way and tomorrow I start fresh. The only thing I will be doing tomorrow is upper body weights (arms and back…. I do these lying down) and abs. I swear I really miss the workouts!!! Some people say they do not like to exercise and for me, it IS MY HAPPY PILL. When I weighed about 225 pounds I made a choice to join a gym (hated being the big girl amongst all those beautiful people) but I ALWAYS felt 100% after a fabulous workout. I am going to give it my all tomorrow…. in body (mini workout), mind (studying) and spirit (meditating….. did not do that earlier today- will do it before bed tonight) I really do not want to spread my gloominess on another day.

Dr. wishes for me to convey on here how we must take care of our knees and go easy on them. Knee replacement is quite common for those who push and push themselves into doing high impact activities. Maybe I should leave tennis for the pros? I just like it and I feel I am actually good at it. Perhaps when I am more fit. I feel like in the last week I have regressed, but I am not going to go down this sad sad pathetic road. Nope. Look out positivity, HERE I COME!

Nipped the grouchiness in the bud….

Now I am going to tell my dear sweet partner how much I love him.

Lots of deep breathing before I go to bed, just to make sure my mind is cool and still before I fall asleep……..

Sweet dreams….

(ALSO…. I saw a cute pic of a yoga girl poster and I decided that I am going to paint a picture of me in my fave yoga position. I have been lacking in the creative department lately and my spirit is suffering from not having that creative outlet. I am excited. I have not painted for a long time.)

So I wrote a blog, saved it and did not post. Thank goodness. That is not how I feel really. That was then (silly moment of irritation) and this is now. My little ramble….

The truth never needs defending. I am so pleased to have mostly let go of that need to vent and that bogus idea that I can save the world. We have a certain amount of time on this planet and no one knows exactly how long and I will do my best to try and live it peacefully. That is it. What is more important than peace and love? Well self-growth in my eyes does rank up there for sure. Forgiveness, for sure.

I think true connections come from really understanding and sometimes best friends bloom from crazy uncertainty and frustration. I wonder about the first flower that bloomed ever when no human was around to see it. Nevertheless it did and though it likely only lasted a short time with the environmental abuse, it came back stronger and stronger. We humans can take notes from flowers. The flower thing is really from A New Earth which I am reading for the second go. AND I AM ACTUALLY MEDITATING this time. That is my commitment to relaxation and myself.

I am respecting myself lately and seeing the beauty that is internal and external. This IS NOT and will never be negative. We are here at this site because we have treated ourselves with disrespect - feeding ourselves to the point of growing and growing and growing….not the good kind. The time to show ourselves, YES OURSELVES the love is now. We can not look to others to build ourselves up. That is simply unfair. We must love ourselves and share in love, yes or no? I am not great at understanding love, but slowly the snail gets there. And as I read in my current text Anatomy of the Spirit, I learn how important it is to see and heal ourselves and not look outward for that which we want to happen and heal inward. And this was what I needed to read RIGHT WHEN I READ IT…….Think less, act more! (Wish I could take credit for that one, ha!)

I have been looking to David for support to limit my sugar, when it is not his hand that is putting the sugar in me. With him, others or just me, the decision is mine to treat myself well. I know what this means. It is not denial. It is the right amount of food at the right time. Numerous factors affect what we eat, but it always comes down to, “Is this what my body needs and wants?” Sometimes I think I do need that dark Dove chocolate…. but one piece, maybe 2, but never the whole damn box! Fixed myself, I buy the box with 4 chocolates. Not so economical, but I get all I need and want. It is a better choice for me. Plus I want chocolate much less then I use to, so that helps.

I love this site. Old buddies and new, ones I “see” frequently and ones I do not see so much, I think you all are great. We all have different paths and different amounts of time we can spend on the computer. I am thankful for this site and all the positive energy we share. But when there is something that is not happening as we would like it to happen, WHY can’t we do something within our positive abilities and ACT? Wait a minute, *ponders question* ….We can! I forget this sometimes.

I wish Everyone a great day.

ONE MORE thing….. I write about my cat because I love him dearly. Animals, not humans, animals are the only ones who behave 100% of the time with integrity and honesty. Plus, fur, love their loveliness.

Well I ended up twisting my knee awkwardly last night while playing tennis. Though it did not seem so bad, it is a little inflamed today. I am taking it easy for awhile since it does not feel so comfortable. This means the only activity I can do is upper body weights (which I have stopped in order for my lower body to catch up) and maybe some crunches, I am sure I can do crunches. The intake will surely decrease due to my decreased outtake *sigh* I will be eating foods that decrease inflammation, NOT CAUSE IT for the next few days. That is my commitment to a speedy recovery.

Well I slept in a little because I did not sleep well through out the night. However Oscar the little brat had no compassion and was biting my feet. We gave him extra food so he would not be screaming this AM (meowing, like a freak) but still he wanted me up early and after much ignoring I got up. My body just did not want to move. He seems to have forgiven me. He just wanted fresh meat! lol

But I tell you this, ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD ! Lidecka has a new picture up of her precious darling girl, Berenika….. Oh my, what a sweetie! Life is good!.

Prayers for those who are struggling with Mother Nature.

Hugs….

The thing about the last blog appearing so long, I did not write most of it. This is shorter. Quickies can be good too, even necessary!

When I wrote the last blog I was not really sad. A little p-o’ed but certainly so thrilled to be aware of myself, my thoughts and what I do with food in the not so ideal times. I feel so awesome and for so many reasons. I just did not want my buddies to think that I was still in monster state. Though does it ever go away? I think not.

I have been working out usually at different times through out the day and eating regular small meals/snacks. Studying outside on the terrace today as I could not bring myself to take Oscar back in so I took my books out for a bit. The heat was just a beating down so we only stayed out for about 25 minutes. Made some homemade pea soup in the crockpot. And maybe after some more studying and supper we just might go and play tennis. We will see.

We have a new game and we waited so long and I mean I felt like the annoying kid who kept saying “is it in yet?” Nothing like a game called Pandemic to make you work together to solve the little issue of us vs. the disease. I am so morbid but I have a certain fascination for such things. It is kind of like me and vampire movies I guess. Just my thing. I love that we get to work together, David and myself.

Life is so good and I am so thankful. Off to read about energies with in the body and how everything we think and feel creates our biology. So keep it positive, deal with the not so good because procrastination really bites us in the ass and smile. Because you never know who is watching.

And from Jane with the challenge. I helped a gentlemen up when he was quite down today. I think the poor guy was shocked with my good intensions, but that was what came for me. I was open and I just did!

I am back to recording just to make sure I am getting proper nutrition and I feel fabulous!!! 24-28 points is the goal and I am basing my points on how much I am moving too.

Biggest hugs………

So, a trusted and very helpful buddy was there to make me think about the binging. Thank you Tatiana. These are the ones that applied to me…… (ramble, ramble, ramble…….. YAH to rambling.)

1. Perhaps you have decided that you must be a pleasure-denier? Eating without sitting down. Eating unconsciously. Eating with guilt. Gulping down food in a hurry and always eating on the run. There’s no time in this world for your needs and you do not rank as a priority in your life. Your life and your needs do not exist or are not as valuable as someone else’s. To be self-centered is viewed as being selfish.

I do tend to eat salads and veggies alone, but not because of a denial of pleasure. I actually do like the taste of most vegetables. But when I am in one of those funks I often eat standing and thoughtlessly and never is it vegetables or fruit. That is something I have tried to work on and become conscious of. Sit the heck down and enjoy and chew! This usually works. But away from Buddyslim for too long and I seem to be a foundering duck who has forgot all the amazing words (WELL some of them are pretty good sometimes…lmao) I have shared with others. I am sad to say, that when away from here I forget some of the best ideas from my buddies and now that is just not acceptable!!!

Too often in my life, I put my needs second. I have had people in my life who have shared their thoughts of how I have done wrong and NOW I feel that I am constantly putting myself last. I do not love it, but it is true. So I am a fake. I tell Buddies here to put themselves first and love themselves, but I am not doing this AT ALL. I use to exist happily being very social and now I would rather stay at home. WHO IS THIS JENNIFER? I do not like her much.

2. Do you binge in private? Not allowing anyone to see you having pleasurable foods? Having to sneak your pleasure in the dark? In a trance-like state, eating foods you don’t want anyone to know you eat . . . in volumes you don’t want anyone to know you want. You eat quickly, not wanting to get caught. The irony is that you’re not really enjoying the food, you’re not really hungry. It’s usually a time we can be alone, with all your wants and desires. It is a time we don’t have to pretend to be capable, competent, pleasant, likeable, strong, and without needs. It is a time to be entirely self-centered, where you don’t have to take care of the needs of anyone else and can focus completely on yourself.

I absolutely have eaten like I might get caught. It is the main reason I have loved to journal my food, because writing things down makes what is going in more real. Nope if I am too lazy or perfect in that moment to write the over indulging foods down, I really do not want it. Well, the truth is sometimes I feel like such a goodie goodie in how I eat, I on occasion will just have some good fat in a high quantity as to say, HA, I am not perfect at all. Some how it feels good and I am not sure why. I never want to be seen as a goodie goodie and yet eating healthy is like showing my body love and enjoying bliss like I never feel. In fact, when my body is healthy from eating the good foods that this Earth provides, I feel like, well, I am in Enlightened and I wish so many could feel the goodness too. So yes I do over indulge sometimes, BUT REMEMBERING THE FEELING OF GOODNESS AND HEALTH is so powerful that I wonder how could I ever go back to that state? Yet, it happens. I am human. But I am a work that is getting better and better with each hurdle.

5. Do you hoard energy - holding onto as much energy (food and fat) as you can, not feeling safe without it? Keeping weight on your body as a way not to be too powerful, too sexually attractive, too alive, too authentic and real? Not trusting your self if you were thin. In this eating style, the subconscious fears becoming thin. Whether the fears are of starvation, sexuality, a new job situation, dating and relationships, career choices, family issues or just life itself, the weight may be serving the purpose of insulating you from those fears, from feeling, and thus avoiding personal growth and change.

This is nasty and way to frightening to discuss here, but I do have a journal and this topic needs to be explored more.

This was REALLY good to see and feel. I know I have come a long way when this no longer makes me nervous. Well #5 is tough, let’s be serious. Being a part of this site has made me feel safe, for the most part. I know there are still readers who hide….hehe No one is perfect. We all have to vent and get real with ourselves and I am so happy that there are a couple of buddies here who share their big hearts and their big sexy intelligent brains. EVENTUALLY we will come to Our place, all of us, if we put the work in, where we are ready to show our big healthy sexy selves to the world. No more hiding. Seriously limited if not eliminated binge eating! For now I do the best I can and by getting real with how I sometimes eat I think I will slowly start to become healthier in the ways that I deal with the dark, empty and hurtful eating patterns. But it takes recognition and a desire for improvement.

This gal *grinning* IS becoming better and better with herself. But what I have learned, the closer and closer I get to feeling on top of this world, the more a part of me wants to crush myself. Well we shall just see, I feel like a winner tonight and it has been one hell of a month. So, cheers to me! I do not always feel this confident. How do I know I am not just faking or being cocky? Sometimes you just have to fake it until you feel it. We all deserve to feel fabulous!!!

There are simply some foods that do not belong in me. Then there are others that I want to have moderately. The others heal me and keep my body operating efficiently.

The monster sleeps…… And I will deal with the awakenings, good and not so good. Besides, they are just thoughts and they are not me. I can be a strong and beaUtiful me and deal with all those thoughts in a way that only I can. Breathe. Be present. And awaken a little each and every time. Peace.

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Posted by Tatiana:

By C. Rodell, RD.

Does your eating style create physical discomfort? Does it involve self-denial and self-sacrifice? Does you eating style keep you wrapped up in attempting to resolve your weight (perpetual dieting) rather than standing up and claiming your right to have what you want? Maybe you can begin to identify your own pattern from one of the suggestions below?

1. Perhaps you have decided that you must be a pleasure-denier? Eating without sitting down. Eating unconsciously. Eating with guilt. Gulping down food in a hurry and always eating on the run. There’s no time in this world for your needs and you do not rank as a priority in your life. Your life and your needs do not exist or are not as valuable as someone else’s. To be self-centered is viewed as being selfish.

2. Do you binge in private? Not allowing anyone to see you having pleasurable foods? Having to sneak your pleasure in the dark? In a trance-like state, eating foods you don’t want anyone to know you eat . . . in volumes you don’t want anyone to know you want. You eat quickly, not wanting to get caught. The irony is that you’re not really enjoying the food, you’re not really hungry. It’s usually a time we can be alone, with all your wants and desires. It is a time we don’t have to pretend to be capable, competent, pleasant, likeable, strong, and without needs. It is a time to be entirely self-centered, where you don’t have to take care of the needs of anyone else and can focus completely on yourself.

3. Do you deny yourself energy / food (forgetting to eat breakfast and lunch) throughout the day then attempt to provide yourself with as much pleasure as you can quickly get in the evening? Choosing to feel guilty afterward, once again denying yourself the pleasure of having what you want? Compulsive overeating is characterized by uncontrollable eating and consequent weight gain. Compulsive overeaters use food as a way to cope with stress, emotional conflicts and daily problems. The food can block out feelings and emotions. Does your eating style numb out your inner voice, your inner truth, your right to accept pleasure?

4. Do you restrict food entirely - denying yourself the energy needed for life? Perhaps leaning more towards anorexia. Never allowing yourself to be hungry. Hunger, your human need, stands for every need you have in life. Meaning, you have no needs. You are above being human. While underneath feeling you have no worthiness as a person. By denying your needs you deny your worthiness as a person. An attempt to be void, be empty. To say, “I deserve nothing.” While at the same time playing a game of superiority saying, “I don’t need anything.” Hunger, and having needs, is part of being alive.

5. Do you hoard energy - holding onto as much energy (food and fat) as you can, not feeling safe without it? Keeping weight on your body as a way not to be too powerful, too sexually attractive, too alive, too authentic and real? Not trusting your self if you were thin. In this eating style, the subconscious fears becoming thin. Whether the fears are of starvation, sexuality, a new job situation, dating and relationships, career choices, family issues or just life itself, the weight may be serving the purpose of insulating you from those fears, from feeling, and thus avoiding personal growth and change.

6. Are you bulimic - somehow sensing it is your birth right to be powerful and have what you want, but also in conflict about your needs? Indulging in huge amounts of energy (food) but then raging and throwing up what you aren’t allowed to have? Bulimics are usually people that do not feel secure about their own self worth. They usually strive for the approval of others. They tend to do whatever they can to please others, while hiding their own feelings. Food becomes their only source of comfort - but even that is not allowed.

7. Unconscious eater - Have you ever been nibbling on something for some time before you realize that you are actually eating? Have you had someone ask you, “Hey what are you eating or what did you have for dinner”, and you couldn’t tell them? Do you find yourself nibbling on food constantly while you are working, driving, talking on the phone, or watching TV without even thinking about what you are eating. Do you heap mounds of food on your plate? Do you put another bite into your mouth before finishing the last one? What are your fears? Are you allowed to have what you want? Can you fill up with enough? Can you sit down and accept all of what you need and deserve on one plate?

So I weighed in early to, a sneak preview so to speak, but the scale was giving me 3 completely different numbers. Hmmm…. I do not care about finding a new scale either. I will get weighed at the doctors soon enough when I go for my physical. I do not need the scale to tell me my my size 10s are snug. Wore them today. So I know what I need to do, but I do not feel pressure or ticked off. Time to eat like a thin chick, but more importantly then watching those portions and drinking plenty of fluids is to continue with the exercise. My size has not changed really. I am still 30/41 (wasit/hips) so I just need to get smart. I saw a direct correlation with stress and FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, love handles ??? All righty! Yeh that was good feed back. Junk plus stress equals badness….bad love (handles). Anyways, I am not giving up on my goals, but if my 10s are comfortable, I am pretty okay with this. Why the surrendering/attitude change?

I LOVE HOW MY OVER ALL BODY LOOKS. No it is not perfect, but I look better when I am a little more fuller on top. I start dieting TOO much and I look weird on top, BUT I figure a bit slower, more definition on the bottom, maybe another permanent 10 lost this year, and maybe this is good Jennifer speed.

This week has been really tough for me. I do not like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day for personal reasons. But if I can start to put those foods down before things get out of hand, well then I say I am a success. There are times when in life I have felt completely alone and scared and I ate and ate and ate. Those behaviors are still with me, but my past does not define me. I am grateful for a smaller stomach that does not allow for lots of food. That is the thing with eating slow, the hunger comes quicker. And so I do not have to keep going. I can have some cake or whatever and then I can stop. Thin people eat whatever, they just do not eat it ALL! And when I do indulge, a bit too much, well there is always activity. I love movement. My muscles are doing some good work for me these days. They are keeping my form pretty decent. What else can a girl ask for? Love for me? Yeh, not getting down on myself is the BEST NEWS I HAVE TO SHARE. I feel cool and calm and motivated.

OK… I will ask…. I want to find a flattering bathing suit. Thank you Santa. But I think this will require going to a real swim suit store and not Walmart…. they are so awful…all of them! lol The colors, the weird buckles- bamboo and metal, the styles….. YUCK! NO bling bling! I do need to try in on though. I just can not order on line. Am I procrastinating? Entirely possible.

What I am most pleased with, MY MOM who is over weight and has high cholesterol is going on and on about how she is changing her food choices. I think this is so awesome, but everyone has to come to that certain thing, IN THEIR OWN TIME. Had a good conversation with her today.

Ahhh…… finding some balance and enjoying this ride. I hope you are too. Have a great week! *hugs*

So things have not been all rosy with the eats these days, but I feel so much better. Despite the lack of sun and the constant rain and dreariness I feel great today. Perhaps it is because I made it to the grocery store and back before it really started to rain again… I chose to walk to the store in the neighborhood rather then going to the big chain store. Made a nice salad for my lunch and I feel great!

So the recycling is consistent. I tried to consume less foods in plastics and cans (good in this area) but there were still plenty of plastics (hard plastics and bags). This is our life I guess. We can not all live on farms. It is good to be thinking fresh instead of cans anyways, but we do the best we can.

I know it is not easy to change a behavior but I am thinking that I want to start trying, really trying. Like I want to talk my fears and issues out instead of mindlessly avoiding through poor food choices. I found a different kind of a journal outline online and I want to work on the emotions. I do not know how some are just so awesome at achieving this, but I am going to give it my best and aim for improvement.

I am weighing in Monday JUST TO SEE where things are at. It has been awhile. Might as well face the music.

I have received some good words from some buddies and no I am not going to be hard on myself, but truly I have really taken a few steps backwards. I do not know why. I do not feel sad, but it is time to get real. Am I mad? Perhaps a little. Am I ready to eat proper small meals often and exercise regularly? Yes. YES I AM.

I have recently started a new section where I am reading what I already believe in my heart - healing and maintaining health is so much in our capabilities. There are so often negative energies present in our bodies that deter us from being well in our minds and bodies. Illness is manifested so often as a result of negativity whether it be our thoughts about ourselves, stress or other toxins. I have to do better. I need to deal with out food. Boredom, sadness, fear….. Food is not the answer.
There is none of this past sadness about not being at goal or not being better then I have been. The time to start is always now.

So what are my little steps for the next 3 days?

-No eating at night.

-workout early-before work/studying, some kind of activity at night (something light so I do not feel energized when I need to sleep)

-eating well and balanced

Simple.

Now.

I think this little cutey lost her tail? Well that is sort of how I feel sometimes. Just not quite complete.  But I am getting back to it. Just like that. Little by little……

Have a great night Everyone! We are all worth it and WE ALL CAN DO IT.

So, how do people who do Weight Watchers handle the OOPS I WENT OVER MY POINTS THIS WEEKEND.  I have to say I like starting on a Friday, because then you can indulge, BUT THEN you must get back on track and start your week like you want to get something accomplished.   Still I did over indulge a tad.  No, no chastising!  Just good workouts that will continue through out the week.

I indulged on the dairy, fries (?wtf?) and cookies.  But then I also worked out something fabulous on Friday and Saturday and then went a bit lighter on Sunday.  So, I am human.  I never eat fries anymore . I just do not want, but I did crave and did not resist - I ENJOYED.  Could have eaten the last few slower or stopped though, that would have been lady like…LOL  Anyways, I wish you all a great week.  And I will use my 25 each day, like a lady and not a wolf.

Respecting me and the oh so smaller stomach I have.  I think I kind of know what it must feel like for those who have gastric bypass surgery and then have an ounce to much food.  Wow.  Feel the fullness and stop, OH YEH!  Thin people stop eating when full.  Good tip!  *remember THIS as one of my goals*

Hugs to you, hugs to me…….. and a better and better we will be……  Grief, must stop now.