Power
I forgot that sometimes I should mind my own business and pretend that I do not care. Sometimes my big heart, though not so good at showing the love, does too much. Maybe…. must remember why I do things I suppose. I guess we all feel like this sometimes. Like I have this great fear that I am not going to fit in the group. As I read Anatomy of the Spirit I am starting to see how it is that I have come to be this person. And because of all the wisdom that has been picked along my path in the forms of books, experience and people, I know that the past is not all that I am. Who likes me or does not should not matter. But still I feel fragile at times. I do not want to let it all go. I have come too far to throw in the towel. This is for me. What I do, what I eat, how I take care of myself, who I chose to let into my world/let go, what I chose to do with this precious time, this is my life and I really should do the best I can with it.
Instead of saying to myself, that hurts me, offends me, blah, blah, blah…….. Why does it hurt me? Offend me? What is it about me that reacts in this way? I want to be better then just a sad person who thinks that something is wrong with someone else or even myself. It is all about my life and how I chose to see things. How can I have a great day and maybe still help those around me. WHAT DO I WANT?
Well for starters I want to go and meditate…….. *life stuff* 
I have been chewing more slowly and taking in those smaller meals. Digestion is now one of my strengths. I am now understanding that some emotional conflicts with in myself and that poor digestion of before are what lead to those past little cancer cells. I am not worried about them reappearing or anything else. I have so many more abilities and skills and so much more knowledge. I appreciate my efforts to get me here. I can actually feel where my stress is in my body when it occurs and dealing with it or letting it go is my task and it is part of my life. Still learning this art……..
I have to have that solid base and because I did not have mine earlier in life, I have to find the tools and materials and build. People and books have helped me too, but ultimately it is up to me to keep going forward and solidifying my base.
Yesterday I made the mistake of thinking that helping someone would help me to feel better about myself. It did not because it was not received. Why do I care? Part of me is still wanting to be cared for and acknowledged when the only thing that matters is creating a self that I can live with. It is a slippery situation when you are so down and out that you are relying on others for acknowledgment . The response may never come. Now that is not power!
Buddyslim is still the best place I think for me to write. Mostly this is because I still am very nutrition/weight loss minded and so few outside of this place ‘get it’. But this place is still about ‘getting it done’ and no one from another city can get me to get it done. This is my life, now what am I doing about it? 
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Hey Jennifer, that sounds like a book I should read! Who is the author! I feel like I ma in somewhat the same place as you. I do base my self validation way too heavily on how I am percieved by others. I wear my feelings on my sleeve too often. But we are a “work in progress” right? I love your blogs, you always manage to say what I am thinking. Hugs!
You’re very insightful, and I’m glad you’re writing blogs here on Buddyslim. Ahhh…and you just inspired me to start chewing more slowly!!! that’s something i’m NOT GOOD at
Jennifer,
Somehow we inherited the victim mindset from our childhood when we sacrificed ourselves in order to keep adults happy and the family stable…
Yesterday morning I did tai chi in the park and just like your meditation, it really refocused me and balanced out negativity.
And the seeds of your good deed will not be wasted. When a person has the right state of mind, they will remember your effort and appreciate that. The messages of kindness go a long way…
Jennifer, I think you have such a generous loving caring heart. I think you are trying so hard to find that “balance” in life.
The perfect spot where you can find peace, and help others. There is so much gratification from helping others. It seems to be like you are so close to that “time in your life”
Sounds a bit to me like we share alot in common. Not being able to stand up for ourselves…to tell someone when they’ve hurt or offended us. We are easily walked on I believe you are sick of it.
I really really want to see you in a “happy place” Jennifer…you deserve so much in life. You’ve given sooooooooo much love to so many and you’ve touched sooooooooo many lives. You take care my dear friend…remember I love ya!!
I LOVE YOUR NEW CURRENT PIC! It is SO you Jennifer. And for some reason I feel so calm inside when I look at it.
Reading your blog this morning has really put me in a thoughtful mood, and I must think more about what you said.
Sometimes I think it’s just human nature to try to please everyone. But when I think about it a little bit deeper, I realize that it may be much more than that with me. That it may come from past issues.
Thanks for blogging this. I know it was blogging for you, but it may have hit on something for me as well.
Hugggggggggggggs,
Shan
Honey, I wish I had read this yesterday! I spent a WHOLE day upset by what I considered a hurtful remark from someone I really don’t know that well! A WASTED feeling and a Wasted day! How silly of me. That is when I begin to withdraw from people. Here I am hugging that hurt. Moonbeam is so right. As a child I never felt like a child, I was trying to help hold my family together. Bless your heart. I hope you get the thick skin I am still trying to get. We love you and want the best for you. Ed was my rock. He would have told me, (Hang up on the b****!) and he was so supportive. Guess it’s up to me now. We could go eat and push down the hurt, BUT WE ARE NOT GOING TO, ARE WE!! Yes, I am still vegan and feels great. Take care, love, Marge
I know how you feel. I spend so much time worrying what others say! I am trying to become a better person, and someone who can look in the mirror and be happy with who I am. Keep your chin up!!! It is a long process and we are all here for you.
Simply beautiful and inspiring, Jenn just like everything you write
I’m truly sorry about the cancer part, I had no idea, Jenn, but am so happy you are ok now and living the life the best you can. You’re an inspiration for me, I mean it!
And yeah… sometimes our hearts are so big… we try to help others but many people just don’t get us right
Everything you typed is so right… why wasting our time being sad or angry for things other people said or think about us. At the end all that doesn’t matter! It only makes us feel bad, plus ngative feelings are a huge death magnet! It should be enough for us to know we tried our best
*Hugs*
Samera