Jennifer

I just feel somewhat lost today. I really really wish to lose these last few. And that is why I joined the team - motivation. But I can not find that which is only located from within. Well this realization is tough, because like I said, I feel lost. Team spirit detests this kind of thought. But this is me. I do not fit in ANYWHERE.

This diet that I new was crap really went out the window last night and thank goodness for this. I really enjoyed the great outdoors and some regular, fun, fast food last night. I refuse to think it was BAD…. I have no room for negativity as I need to find the Jenn who is moderate, really moderate. I know that extreme dieting is not good and I do not know what I was thinking doing it…. so ridiculous when I know all that is important is good health and it IS NOT achieved with radical diets, no matter how much I tweak it…lol Intuitive eating and The Zen of Eating are great guides. But I started to be anxious about goal not reaching my goal. I think lately I have been letting go a little and fear crept in. Like it would be the worst thing in the world to not diet?!? What if I just ate well, exercise, slept and dealt with all things stressful in a helpful way? What if I did not use my health issues as the reason to lose weight? What if I calmed the heck down and ENJOYED THE FREAKING MOMENT….. ha!

I have come to some new conclusions about food and health (through my own thinking and some reading). It is not so much what we eat that will keep us healthy, but it is what state our mind is in when we are eating and how we are eating. Real food is of course ideal, but stressfully eating healthy food and putting crazy pressure on our bodies is not a way to achieve optimum health. Perhaps it is this desire for peace within that is hindering me. I am just trying to hard, when I just need to stop. Smell, appreciate, enjoy…

Geocaching has actually brought me to a greater understanding of how I eat. Sometimes lately we have been out and about looking for treasure, but the goal did not distract us from the beauty of nature, the Moment. A couple times I have really just enjoyed where I was at, but then other times when we were out and about it was rushed, it was dark and we were hungry and moody. So, these are not the conditions to be enjoying an experience. And so back to diet and food…. One just has to be with them self and the food and the breath and the chewing. Before that food goes into my mouth I am going to consciously be aware of my mood, my state of mind, my emotions….my food. This is not something I have been able to maintain for any length of time…a journal for my emotions and food. YEh that requires me to get real with what usually wished to be stuffed down and down and down….. But I am taking a small notebook and I am going to write about my emotional connection to food for just 3 days. I have no plans. I do not know if I will continue or if I will give up. Like I so often feel I give up on everything! But 3 DAYS. I know George is coming and these emotions are somewhat connected to his visit, but I am tired of the constant BLAME game. Tis time to get real and be at ease because there is too much goodness to miss. Oh yeh, no dieting… just eating reasonably for my hunger.

I am cleaning the entire condo today because things have gotten forgotten around here with us being so adventurous. Well I look forward to even the mundane today. Laundry, vacuuming and gathering some items for Good Will. The rain is cheering up my herbs and I too feel so much better for getting this all off my chest. This is me, enjoying the everyday. Ok, I am smiling now.
This is still a nice place to be when I remember that this blogging space is mine.

As for Buddyslim, we are a neat little community that goes through a lot sometimes. I wish everyone the best and I hope that you are creatively seeing a way that suites your mind, your body and your spirit.

*wink*