Jennifer

This is a blog for my buddies.  And normally I would not write about such things here, but I feel lost.  If you are not a buddy or a member of this site, then you are disrespecting my space to grow and learn by reading this highly personal blog.  But who am I kidding, if this spew helps anyone, well then I am thankful for that annoying desire within me to share…haha   We are after all here to share.  I write this because I need to share with my buddies instead of writing all cryptic like.  This is me all naked and right now that feels very scary!  But I would not be me if I did not feel scared and then just jump. Why not?  Well now you can stop or read on.  Cheers! 

What is the advantage of being over weight? (Thank you Jo for raising this important question.)

Answer: a sense of security.

Hmmmm….. that is a tough one but since getting real, I think some next steps can be taken.

Most of who I am seems to want to lose weight, so why that occasional binge and the careless eating that has set me back what feels like a lot?   I would just need a week or two to really feel good again but it starts always in the moment and I have not been doing so well with this.

I know I should not be thinking about a deadline and making that my goal but I am.  It is about 4 weeks until I have my physical and I am worried.  I am being such a dork.  But dreams and thoughts are really getting to me.  And this stress is affecting me in a variety of unhealthy and unproductive ways.  I just do not know what to do.  I love the ideas that support wellness and soften the negativity behind ideas that can only lead to eating issues.  But I want to lose and I do not feel I can do it unless I really stay focused.  I know there are some who are following the Intuitive Eating philosophy but I seem to like a little more structure.  And yet if I tell myself no, I want.  So in this way Intuitive Eating rocks my socks. 

All I can think is this, will tonight (my hot yoga class) start me on a path towards loving me?  I really feel like I have been this trash can lately and the effects are evident.  And it is not at all surprising that I am more sad and apathetic.  Making any decision seems to be about the toughest thing. 

I guess I was vague yesterday.  Why should I care what people think of me?  Why not lay it all out there?  Well I mentioned that I am trying to manipulate my thinking.  Why is it that couples sometimes just seem to find so much pleasure in eating???  What I have wondered is why can’t David and I be creative and resist the junk food and treats and  find something else productive and creative to do?  That feeling when I am resisting is not altogether a tough thing.  In fact my secret I reveal here is that it is some what of a turn on.  By resisting poor food choices (junk) I actually feel like I am one sexy creature (I do not feel this, so I guess we could call it a fantasy).  I know I will come to be that healthy me by resisting the junk.  Now I know it is not an Intuitive Eating thing, but it really helps to stay more focused.  So could RESISTING JUNK FOOD be my fetish?  I have tried to make it so.  This is what I mean by manipulating my thinking. David says maybe it is a form of benign masticism and I say it is my way of teaching myself to not want the unnecessary and benefiting in a very healthy way….  But I love his mind.   Normally what I would do is just eat and eat when stressed, but why not resist (and for me this seems sexual because in doing so I feel sexier) and feel the tension become bliss?

Why do I feel the need to do this?  I struggle with the internal feeling and thought that sex might cause me to have unhealthy sexual organs.  This is my insight.  I believe that my mind has been holding onto this thought and I eat to protect myself.  Messed up and I know.  I know intellectually and physiologically that sex is good for the body and excess food is toxic.   SO, why can’t I stand up or lay down and use that need to resist to get healthy with my sweetie (who also wants to lose a bit of weight) instead of eating ourselves into our graves.  And this is only slightly melodramatic really.  I think it is vital that I address my unhealthy thoughts towards sex.  I also want to lose weight.  The two go hand in hand.

This is where I am at.  I am not at all comfortable with being okay to eat when I am not hungry.  It is just so old.  I also want to address my issues with intimacy and they are so crazily linked to food.  I want to be my healthiest in mind, body and spirit and it is time to get real !!!

Thank you for reading.  I am normally quite conservative with this, but it just has been too much to hold in.  I just have to say though, with regards to the wonderful guy I found 4 years ago, I am so lucky to have someone who just wants me to be happy and is so in this for the long term.  I love him so much and in those tough times and then coming out of it, you really see how incredibly strong two is instead of a distant one and one.  Two do not even have to try to be distant as it can just happen.  I mean it does not have to be conscious and it sure can happen where people just forget to communicate.  I feel blessed that I can tell David anything and he never judges me.  I love him so much.

If I could tonight at yoga I would just sweat all this bullshit out of me…. hehe.  Well I will try.  But mostly I know that growing is slow.