Jennifer

Thank goodness I did not set myself up for a perfect idea of what I should eat, because we know it never works out.

I would have been wise to pack a snack.  I mean I think it is always good to have snacks when you go out but I have not been doing this for months.  Hmmmm I have gained and been eating out more.  Perhaps it is time to pack the granny bag with some healthy snacks (granola bars, fruit, small container of pumpkins seeds, WHATEVER!!! Even soy nuts that I have in the cupboard would be better then nothing.)

So this was the deal today.  I had yogurt and pineapple for breakfast and then off to work.  It was rush rush and I figured this will be a short shift.  Well I met my cleint and spent double the time with her.   Grrr….  So, as we were out and about and I was helping her with her business I realized it was late and I was hungry and because I wanted to not spend any money all stupid-like, I left my money at home.  (It is crazy but with all the bad finance news I really do not want to spend ridiculously - yoga classes and eating out too!)  So I was famished!  I got home after six hours and I ate a huge amount mid afternoon.  I mean it was just more then I would normally eat at one meal.  I was not even stuffed.  Anyways, of course at supper, not hungry!  OF course.  So then after “supper”, snacks.  Anyways, what ever.  I am not at all discouraged.  I just needed to remind myself tomorrow I have to buy some kind of a cheap bag/tote so I can carry things like snacks.  That whole devouring of the kitchen, not such a good thing!   I am exaggerating…..Still I know, if I want to lose weight I need small meals/snacks more often and a little protein thrown in.

Anyways, I am in a great mood despite the stress of the day.  I am thinking crisp fresh air and hours and hours of walking helped to put me in this mood.  Yah!

I wish everyone a greak weekend.  *hugs*

Thank you for your comments and emails.  I had no idea that others went through the same or similar things and it felt good to breath and know that it was the right thing to share.  I think this place is so cool, but gush gush over Buddyslim we who have been here for SO LONG, know this.

Well hot yoga last night was a killer, but mostly it was hard because I have become so out of shape over the last few months.  Not being able to be active did really take a tole, but what I see is that my flexibility needs some work.  I worked muscles I did not even know I had!  It was not that hot and so this was some what disappointing.  I also felt a little hard on myself at times, because I could not do all the poses, but I was pretty impressed with my efforts.  When I started to get frustrated the instructor seemed to just see and he reminded us to do our best and just stay with what ever we were doing.  So this was a great start.  I am not sure I want to travel this far in the winter to get to the class and it is a bit pricey for me, but I am thinking about looking around to find classes downtown that I could possibly do at lunch time or earlier in the evening.  They would not be hot yoga classes though.  This place offers one good time for me a week and that is great.  I feel like once a week might just be ideal.  An 8:30 start had us finish after 10:00 and then I was wiped.  My head was alert, but my body just screamed that is had one heck of a work out.  I can not express this enough, I felt my body ALL NIGHT.  It was nice to wake up tight and not puffy.  All I had when I got home was an Asian pear and it tasted so amazing!!!  Like it’s perfection just seemed to be the best gift in the whole world…..hehe  A nice lemon ginger chamomile tea to accompany it.  They say I am going to feel the pain tomorrow.  HA… good grief!!!

I would love to say it was all spiritual  but mostly it was hard.  This was the most athletic I have been in months!  I was laying in bed thinking, when did I ever feel like this?  Whitewater rafting (9-5, paddling, swimming and walking), my walk when I touched all 6 major bridges on both sides in Saskatoon, first time I did Hard Body Yoga DVD and the first time I did the Get Ripped DVD.  This was something I will definitely do again as it is a real challenge for my body.  Plus my knee did not hurt once.  Felt some presence of the old injury but I just corrected myself, backed off and it was all good.  Heat really helped.  Plus we really were encouraged to take it as far as we could and not look at our neighbors.. yeh right! *rolls eyes*

I know it will be even better next time and I will feel the fun.   No spiritual awakening, but I found my body, this temple.  No freaking way am I feeding it junk.  When your in those poses you are only thinking, I will never eat junk again!!!!!! Well you are also feeling the moment and the joy of being in that pose.  But junk?   Ok, ok of course I am more of a realist.  I just am going to eat with thought, intention and respect.  This way there is no regret.

I really have to get to it here, but I wanted to blog my experience.

My goal for the rest of the week….. Continue with the activity (nothing more then cardio today) and pretty much no eating after supper unless truly hungry.  Junk is not even an option, unless it is Smarties and popcorn, yah know once in awhile….hehe (Thanks Jo).

Have a great day Everyone.  *wink*

Lunch: large salad (picture in my profile pics) and for dessert, grilled salmon.  Yum!

Just had a thought:  Yesterday, positive or negative, matters not now. Now is now.  What am I doing with it?

This is a blog for my buddies.  And normally I would not write about such things here, but I feel lost.  If you are not a buddy or a member of this site, then you are disrespecting my space to grow and learn by reading this highly personal blog.  But who am I kidding, if this spew helps anyone, well then I am thankful for that annoying desire within me to share…haha   We are after all here to share.  I write this because I need to share with my buddies instead of writing all cryptic like.  This is me all naked and right now that feels very scary!  But I would not be me if I did not feel scared and then just jump. Why not?  Well now you can stop or read on.  Cheers! 

What is the advantage of being over weight? (Thank you Jo for raising this important question.)

Answer: a sense of security.

Hmmmm….. that is a tough one but since getting real, I think some next steps can be taken.

Most of who I am seems to want to lose weight, so why that occasional binge and the careless eating that has set me back what feels like a lot?   I would just need a week or two to really feel good again but it starts always in the moment and I have not been doing so well with this.

I know I should not be thinking about a deadline and making that my goal but I am.  It is about 4 weeks until I have my physical and I am worried.  I am being such a dork.  But dreams and thoughts are really getting to me.  And this stress is affecting me in a variety of unhealthy and unproductive ways.  I just do not know what to do.  I love the ideas that support wellness and soften the negativity behind ideas that can only lead to eating issues.  But I want to lose and I do not feel I can do it unless I really stay focused.  I know there are some who are following the Intuitive Eating philosophy but I seem to like a little more structure.  And yet if I tell myself no, I want.  So in this way Intuitive Eating rocks my socks. 

All I can think is this, will tonight (my hot yoga class) start me on a path towards loving me?  I really feel like I have been this trash can lately and the effects are evident.  And it is not at all surprising that I am more sad and apathetic.  Making any decision seems to be about the toughest thing. 

I guess I was vague yesterday.  Why should I care what people think of me?  Why not lay it all out there?  Well I mentioned that I am trying to manipulate my thinking.  Why is it that couples sometimes just seem to find so much pleasure in eating???  What I have wondered is why can’t David and I be creative and resist the junk food and treats and  find something else productive and creative to do?  That feeling when I am resisting is not altogether a tough thing.  In fact my secret I reveal here is that it is some what of a turn on.  By resisting poor food choices (junk) I actually feel like I am one sexy creature (I do not feel this, so I guess we could call it a fantasy).  I know I will come to be that healthy me by resisting the junk.  Now I know it is not an Intuitive Eating thing, but it really helps to stay more focused.  So could RESISTING JUNK FOOD be my fetish?  I have tried to make it so.  This is what I mean by manipulating my thinking. David says maybe it is a form of benign masticism and I say it is my way of teaching myself to not want the unnecessary and benefiting in a very healthy way….  But I love his mind.   Normally what I would do is just eat and eat when stressed, but why not resist (and for me this seems sexual because in doing so I feel sexier) and feel the tension become bliss?

Why do I feel the need to do this?  I struggle with the internal feeling and thought that sex might cause me to have unhealthy sexual organs.  This is my insight.  I believe that my mind has been holding onto this thought and I eat to protect myself.  Messed up and I know.  I know intellectually and physiologically that sex is good for the body and excess food is toxic.   SO, why can’t I stand up or lay down and use that need to resist to get healthy with my sweetie (who also wants to lose a bit of weight) instead of eating ourselves into our graves.  And this is only slightly melodramatic really.  I think it is vital that I address my unhealthy thoughts towards sex.  I also want to lose weight.  The two go hand in hand.

This is where I am at.  I am not at all comfortable with being okay to eat when I am not hungry.  It is just so old.  I also want to address my issues with intimacy and they are so crazily linked to food.  I want to be my healthiest in mind, body and spirit and it is time to get real !!!

Thank you for reading.  I am normally quite conservative with this, but it just has been too much to hold in.  I just have to say though, with regards to the wonderful guy I found 4 years ago, I am so lucky to have someone who just wants me to be happy and is so in this for the long term.  I love him so much and in those tough times and then coming out of it, you really see how incredibly strong two is instead of a distant one and one.  Two do not even have to try to be distant as it can just happen.  I mean it does not have to be conscious and it sure can happen where people just forget to communicate.  I feel blessed that I can tell David anything and he never judges me.  I love him so much.

If I could tonight at yoga I would just sweat all this bullshit out of me…. hehe.  Well I will try.  But mostly I know that growing is slow.

So, I did not make it to the hot yoga class as it was 4 years for my partner and myself.

David walked in and had flowers and kale (hehe) in hand and a little bag with a present inside.  It was all such a surprise!  He knew I was excited with the class.  In fact I had my bag and mat ready to go (even underwear and clothes for after).  But there was no way!  I wanted to spend the night with my sweetie.  I had just made a hearty soup for supper. I am always thrilled that a meal is prepared for the next day.

Anyways because it was a special day we decided on Japanese for supper.  We started with sushi and soup and then shared an entree.  They asked us if it was a special day and we said it was our 4th year.  Well at the end of the meal (SO SMART to share the meal) they surprised us with a small piece of the most unique lemon pie with a sparkler.  It was hardly yellow so the hit of lemon was a real treat.  It was all a great evening.

I remembered my goals from last week and the commitment I made to a buddy this week and I realized that I did great and am doing pretty fine.  It has been most helpful to really get the activity in.  Lots of pilates, walking etc.  I am looking forward to sweating it up on Wednesday.  I had a sore wrist last week so no weights, but this week I add weights and yoga.

This week if I/we do not adhere to Our goal (David’s and mine) then I will express what I want to accomplish.  But it really is personal.  I just really want to change how we think and live amongst food so, this is a great threat, a fun threat.  No offense, but I really do not want to share my quarky mind.   Some things should stay in the house, hey?  :)  My question is to anyone who might read this, have you ever tried to manipulate your thinking with regards to food?  Well that is all I will say.  It is not so much in line with Intuitive Eating, but I am REALLY trying to be aware of OUR relationship with food.  I really am thankful for all that we share.

Have a great week everyone!

I stumbled across this and thought about my beaUtiful buddies who have recently given birth.  Please share this link with all the really wonderful new moms out there that you know.

http://mightygirl.com/2008/05/29/a-brief-note-about-pregnancy/

This woman really says it best!

I have been inspired by a new lady here to try Bikram Yoga.  I did some research to see if there is any hot yoga classes in Saskatoon and it turns out that there is one in all of Saskatchewan.  I am THRILLED because it is HERE!!!  I do not know why this seems so appealing as I do not try anything that involves exercise and multiple bodies.  I just do not feel at ease with it, usually.  But this seems to really feel right and exciting and new.  My bones are going to love the heat….75 minutes of heated yoga.  I recall really feeling invigorated by the Sweat that I went to once so I am so psyched.  *SCREAM*

I am going to be one sweaty body and I will report back here my experience.  Monday.

I have nothing to report about what has been going on in this head of mine.  I am still remembering my reminders from Monday, but I have been a bit all over the place.  I am happy to say that I am not moody at all about updating my ticker.  It just is not about that.  I want it all.  I want to be further ahead in my life then I am.  But I am here.  I must enjoy what I have.  Live. Love. Laugh.   And oh yeh, sweat baby sweat!

Have a sexy, beautiful, hot, cool, exciting, relaxing weekend.  No I am not high.  I do not even feel manic.  It’s about time I tried something new!

I love the idea of my goal… I want to love this body now and always.  But this is not always so easy when I see all these clothes that once fit and are now just tight.

How can I love my body now?

What can I do to see some changes that will get me more and more motivated?

-just exercise, eat well, easy on the salty late night snacks (even tonight with the Debate.  I guess there is one south of the border too - I will record that one…hehe.  I am a political geek.)  Tonight I commit to having veggies and hummus for my snack.

-I know plain yogurts (greek style) are great for not being bloated (added fruit and stevia)

-plenty of fiber rich foods

-have a nice shower/spa session - exfoliate, clean with a nice gel, lotion up, oil up… whatever… JUST love this body.  Anyways, it is just a body, really, why do I care so much?  Well I am worth the effort I guess and so are you.

JUST LOVE IT.  It does good things for us…. helps us move through this world to experience it all.

It is so hard to say “no thank you” in the moment sometimes.

Or last night -  I think I felt entitled to eat because I realized a ‘friend’ might have stolen some books from me.  Did eating even though it was healthy foods make me feel better when I was not even hungry.  The one good thing I have been liking and doing is going to bed with an ever so slightly empty stomach and IT HAS FELT GOOD.  Last night…. I was not entitled.  Wasted emotion.

???

BTW, this is so true……

http://www.diet-recipes.buddyslim.com/going-bananas/

When I eat a banana when I feel a little sluggish it really makes a world of difference.  Stupid feels smart.  Larthargic feels energized.   YUM.

Off to do pilates…. and read… always reading.  I ordered Intuitive Eating from the book store along with another.  Lately I have not been reading anything other then books for my course.  I feel like I am Science-d out!!!  I could definitely use the new book to review a few of those chapters that I struggle with a little.  I need to work on being assertive when it comes to being ok with not wanting and not worrying about saying “no thanks”.   I need self esteem coaching sometimes I swear.  Procrastinating here…. PILATES.  Ok.

Have a great day Everyone.

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Favorite quote I recently read: “Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” - Albert Einstein