Jennifer

*sigh*

As soon as I told a buddy I have been doing great, today, not so great!  But it is not over.  It is only 1:05 PM so I have most of the day still left and what I do next is what is mattering most.  I will be off to a good leg strength training work out in a bit, but I would like my food to digest a little.  I have learned so much in my studies lately and this is excellent.

So, what went wrong?  As it did, I was like a witness out side my body instead of just living blindly I actually watched this character, Me.  I ALWAYS take a few steps back when I acknowledge any success I have had.  Shovel, shovel, shovel….. What foods do I feel I am sensitive/allergic to? (I will see the allergist on Feb. 10th)  Wheat, dairy, peanut butter.  They are the go-to-foods when I have my little binge sessions.  And why would I be allergic to them?  It is the fast kind of eating where good digestion is not even closely, adhered to.  I even learned that stress actually hinders digestion as much as many other no, no’s.

Yesterday was AWESOME and it would be hard to replicate, but I was willing and ready to try.  First, today I did not get to the studies as early as I would have liked.  The company who did our floor in the bathroom came by to do some poking and prodding as their job need to be redone.  The nails are coming up all over the place because the wrong length nails were used.  Ok, that will be completed early next week.  I am sure they will want more money even though they screwed up.  C’est la vie.  Hopefully I am in a fiesty mood when we “negotiate”.

Then I did some baking (blueberry bran muffins - no brown sugar, just iron rich molasses and whole wheat) and feel ill.  I feel a bit moody and my glands are swollen but I did workout on the elliptical for 30 minutes.  Ate a rich and heavy lunch and now I feel like I could just sleep.  But ya know, I know what is right.  I am going to do some strength training and work my gorgeous muscles.  I have seen a lot of progress lately and I am not about to forget this.  I have these calories in me and I am going to utilize this opportunity to give it my all.  Sometimes I feel like I have not actually eaten enough to give it my all, but not today ;) 

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER AFTER WRITING THIS!!! 

NOTE:  I have been such a huge advocate of tea and I drink it all - caffeine greens and blacks and herbals.  But I am sharing here that I am trying to cut out the caffeine.  I have a she-Ot load of green in the cupboard, but after looking at my health, I have decided that the caffeine (and stress that I often do not deal well with) is causing my adrenals to work way too hard.  So, here is a change and even lately when I have gotten stressed, I can feel myself actively NOT GOING THERE, like I know I can.  So, 2 herbal cheers for me…. ;)  I know I said I would go to my journal when I am about to over eat, but I am REALLY going to try it.  It sneaks up.  Still, I want to write instead and my goal is to do just that.  I even put my cute little journal in the kitchen as a reminder and it is kind of like art….lol.  Next time, I choose to love my spirit.  Now I am off to love my muscles……burn baby burn! *wink*

But alas, food is usually the easier choice.  No more reaching for food when it is life that I want more of. 

I am feeling a bit radical, alone and chaotic in my thinking at the moment.  Food is not my enemy though.

I do want more then anything to feel at peace with myself and to believe in myself.  I want to feel worthy of weight loss.  I want to go past the discomfort and improve my life by tackling the areas that are lacking.   No more hiding behind weight.  No more lies.  No more worrying about others.  This is my life.

There will be no contracts that say NO to food or drink (that is part of Bob Greene’s plan).  This may work for some, but not me.  I need to think of what I want for myself in a positive way.  As soon as I say NO I want.  Yes it is childlike, but I am chosing to see this whole thing as a love issue.  Today I am going to do That Thing I find uncomfortable but will help me grow and then I will also eat healthy and move well as to help me feel strong and beautiful.  Also I am going to do one thing extraordinary to help me to start to come out of my shell.  Not sure what it is, but I use to feel interesting and spontaneous.  Today, something………..

Sunday I ordered our organic and pesticide free fruit and veggie box.  Chep should be very good in the summer, but I thought I would give this a whirl now.  I will be picking up the box next week.  I am so excited….hehe 

http://www.chep.org/gfb/gfbBrochure.pdf

Wishing everyone a great day. 

If we do begin to gain weight as the stress builds and builds and we are not so equipped to deal it so seems, then laughter might be the tool that helps our minds and bodies.  Time to put down the Twinkie (or cookies in my case) and finding ways to laugh our pants off.

Just thought I would share this link.

Have a great day.

http://www.laughtertherapy.com/Laughterfunpage.htm#LAUGHTER%20IQ%20TEST

Question of the day: Will Jennifer leave the cookie dough in the freezer alone?  Yes I will darnit!!!  Plus I am trying a low phosphorus diet to help with my ailments. *rolls eyes*  Basicly low animal and animal products, plus certain plants I am keeping to a minimum.  Will I chose to LOL at this thing called life or will I scream?  Oh today some laughing is on my crooked, diverted, but eventual, plan.  I will get it ALL in. 

ALSO:  My log

Jan1- walking   x

Jan2- circuit -weights, pilates, cardio & Wii boxing    √ 

Jan3-elliptical  √

Jan4-let’s just say intense activity, stretching  √

Jan5- strength training, kickboxing , walking √

 Jan6- elliptical, butt exercises (listening to The Tea Party…..very relaxing)  √

Jan7- elliptical, strength training  √

(6/7)

Jan8 - elliptical, butt exercises, 10 of my fave yoga poses  √

Jan9- x

Jan10-walking √

Jan11-walking  x

Jan12- moving furniture so that elliptical is right infront of window where I can enjoy, elliptical(while listening to Nickleback), Butt exercises (The Tea Party)  √

Jan13- elliptical, intense free and new strength training DVD  for biceps and back (P90X)  √ √ 

Jan14-elliptical, P90x -legs and back, but I left out the pull-ups (arms and back are feeling the burn from yesterday) and did Butt exercises and Abs instead  √

(5/7)

Jan15- pilates  √

Jan16- elliptical, P90X mostly legs, chest, triceps  √

Jan17-Butt exercises (5), windsor pilates butt and thigh (I no longer watch the dvd as I have a list of the ex’s), ab wk,  - all done to the new Battlestar Galactica  & lots of walking  √

Jan18- long early morning walk (listening to  Hinder and my classical mix)

Jan19-

Jan20-

Jan21-

(?/7) Jan22-Jan23-

*smiles*

Today was one of those days where you remind yourself what NOT to do.  It only comes back to bite you in the ass and that never makes for good times.  So, I start out by not eating when I get up or soon after.  And of course I have my vitamins with food so none of those either.  David wanted to go to this diner that is raved about online and so we do.  I am optomistic.  Forgot my vitamins at home and so it is 11:45 before I eat.  Oh I did have some Green Naked juice - delightful before leaving.  Anyways, my order comes and it is an unpleasant sight.  I ordered Eggs Benedict and it is soaked in Hollandaise sauce.  It was unpleasant to look at and all you could do is taste the sauce.  Well I just did not have the will to say, “take this away please, I would like something appetizing”.  In my head I can only say such things.  Well I was hungry!  So I removed most of the sauce and ate half, plus the egg and ham of the other.  Blah.  I felt like a trash can!  The last time I had this David’s Mom made it and I put how much sauce I wanted on.  It was so enjoyable.  But today, it just spiralled…….. 1/2 a big cinnamon bun made into french toast, ginger snap cookies, rice cakes with Tzaziki sauce and milk (YUM).  Finally got my vitamins into me around 2PM.  I need these for my mood and general well being.  But a steady intake of good carbs, protein and a small amount of fat makes for a healthy me too!  Duh!

I SHOULD NOT, WILL TRY NOT TO, I WILL DO MY BEST TO WORK ON NOT EATING THINGS THAT I DO NOT WANT IN ME.  And eating early and well makes for a happier me!

What I did by not eating enough good carbohydrates early was that my entire day was nearly ruined.  Not to mention it left me wanting sugary foods and feeling unsatisfied after eating them OF COURSE!  It was enough emotion for a month and that includes the 2 days prior to George’s arrival.  So, live and learn. 

I asked David the other day if he would want to do the Suzie Orman’s best life challenge……. and he said no after I told him.  Well after the disappointment of our meals (though he did not dislike his as much) he said, ok, let’s do it.  But just for one month…..hehe 

Take one day and spend NO money.

Do not use your credit card for one week.

And do not eat out for one month.  YIKES…….

We are trying it out. 

Note: Took the day off from exercise yesterday and my body was thankful.  I really slept well and long.  But tonight, what am I doing on a Saturday night?  Well I am going for a long walk (have some new tunes on the iPod - hehe  Kiss) and enjoying a nice comedy with my elliptical.  I also think make up sex is in order.  Well this is what I am ordering and since I am the cook, it will be great. 

I had no idea that so many of my buddies are making a commitment to also quitting smoking this year, not just losing weight.  I am so VERY proud of my wonderful buddies and all here who are making this huge and difficult choice.  All the best in your choice to chose health.

 My mom is addicted to smoking and it is the most difficult thing I struggled with this Chrismas.  I mean I was home much longer then I usually am.  It kills me to see her kill herself.  I know it is extremely difficult for her too, but we do not talk about it anymore.   Luckily I have more compassion then ever before because I have seen the struggles of buddies here.  I realise it is not easy.  So I shall learn to practise my compassion more for my Mom.  I was angry to have to wash so much clean but smelling smokey clothes, but that was not really why I was angry.  But now I feel a little more peace.  We all struggle with something, right?

Peace, strength and love to all of you who are committing to your health.

The next time I think of how I want to eat crap, I will empathize even more.  But maybe, just maybe I will chose something more healthy to satisfy my hunger.  Love you.

There is a lot going on in my head these days.  Even when I am trying to sleep.  I was awake at 5 AM and just could not go back to sleep.  So I got up and have a nice warm bath….bergamont and lemon scented oils. and the clarifying light of one candle.  Sure the oils sound and should be invigorating, and I really worked some things out in my head (now I must believe in ME and follow my thoughts), but soon after a bath and a shower I was anything but invigorated.  I was TIRED, so off to bed I went.  What a great sleep.   I just needed to be okay with where my thoughts were going and as the words on my wall say….”Relax”, ”Imagine” and “Believe”.

Oprah has been such a big source of inspiration lately.  I just respect her so much.  She struggles as do I and we all must work at this.  But her shows and I am taping them all this week and will be watching all her webcasts next week have really gotten me onto a better and more effective way of thinking.  “This is not a weight issue, it is a love issue!”  NO KIDDING!  :)  I know this, but she has really focussed my thinking.  I do not just feel like I am drowning as I have felt sometimes.

Some important questions she has raised:

How am I putting myself on the top of my priority list?  - my list is specific, but generally I have made a night time routine that I must do in order to relax, perform and enjoy regular activity, eat well and realize that food is not the problem.  Not knowing myself and thinking food is the problem IS THE PROBLEM.  Food is not the problem! 

How am I finding the balance?

What do I crave?

Will I fall in love with myself this year?  (and the correct answer IS…… if I address what I am craving, I indeed will be able to do this.)

What do I want?

How am I honoring my needs?

Why am I worthy of getting healthy this year? 

And normally or should I say lately since coming into the light, I do not say no to any foods.  But you know, as long as I am not content in my mind and spirt, some foods just seem unfit for my environment.  Yes I am picking on the foods, but I do not want to be tempted.   Ok, no I am not picking on them!  I am just putting myself on my priority list!  I said food is not the problem and it is not, but I need to honor myself and better choices.

So a list Oprah suggested making is:

List 3 foods I will stop buying and having in the house? On my list is pudding mixes, crap sauces, all wheat flour and white sugar.  (lol… I wanted to make a cake so bad yesterday (WHY I ask myself ???) and realize we donated the only unopenned bag of sugar this Christmas.  It was around here for a year…lol  And Splenda was not going in my cake. NO CAKE.  :P)

List 3 foods you will add to your shopping list?  I could only think of one healthy thing I do not eat.  Artichokes.  I tried once and it tasted like ass! - a figure of speech ladies.   So if you have any tips or suggestions on how to prepare/eat this food in a healthy way, I would love to add this nutritious food to my cart.  Thanks. 

I am journalling and listening to the voice in my head.  It is really hard because I am a doubter of myself and I do not even want to share with anyone what is going on in my head.  I just need to believe and not worry about what others will think.  THIS IS MY LIFE! 

I am keeping up with my fitness log in a previous blog and really enjoying it too.  Feeling strong….

Note: as I wrote about earlier, the yogurt is just awesome, though I think I prefer 1% over skim milk.  Went to the store the other night as Oscar NEEDED tuna and I needed milk and David wanted a treat.  I resisted buying a treat, because yogurt would be my treat in 12 hours plus, but I did indulge and bought a magazine instead of something sweet.  Good good times.

Hope all are having a great week.  Love you…..

So I started the day overwhelmed and after doing somethings around here and catching up with buddies AND being inspired by you wonderful teachers, I feel refreshed.  NOW, it is my time to do some things for me.  Work out and do some reading.  Today I am really thankful for my special guy.  Today is David’s birthday and I really want to make him a special meal (I know what foods he likes and they are high in fat for the most part) but I know we both should eat a little lighter.  It just feels so much better.   Anyways, he lovingly suggested that a light and simple meal would be ideal…. Steamed Salmon, rice cooked in homemade veggie broth (I made last weekend…LOVE the freezer) and mixed veggie salad with a light homemade Asian dressing.  A little wine and a fire…… 

P.S.:  Homemade yogurt is the bomb and a batch does not seem to last long.  It kind of makes me wonder if the yogurt you buy really has active bacterial culture in it?  The couple days that I had it, I had the flattest stomach in what seems like a life time.  Love that stuff.  And so easy to make.  Heat milk to 185, cool milk to 45, add bacterial culture and set into the warming yogurt maker.  After 12 hours, done.  Yum!

Oh my goodness it is a terrific day!  I am sitting here by the window and it is SNOWING!  The big flakes.  We have received SO MUCH snow and now today, more of the big lovely stuff.  I am not going to think about what needs to be done in the next coming days.  We may be snowed in anyways, so I sit here enjoying….. *smiles*

Well I got my activity in early and I may do a bit more here.  But for now I am relaxing after some cleanup and AND, I am so excited, I have a wonderful new yogurt maker.  I put a pretty new ceramic bowl into it (instead of the plastic containers it came with - I just do not like warming plastic, it is a thing with me.  I do not even heat any kind of plastic in the microwave, even the kind they say is ok… I am such a cynic) and now I must wait 12 hours…. I AM SO EXCITED…hehe.  NO MORE plastic yogurt containers!!!  *jumps, skips, acts like a kid*

So I am posting my log here.  I am back to enjoying food, cooking and loving the portions.  I just feel so much better.  But I know, this journey starts and continues with consistant exercise and joy.  So here is my log.  And I am coming back to this blog to keep track of my activity.

(Wrote the following earlier today…)

January 2009 Fitness Log

Memory Lane- There was a time when I just enjoyed the movement and freedom of my body, but as I have gotten older I have only seen the body slow and become sluggish. I am not my body. I am more then this, but in order to feel alive I have to use it or lose it all. So this month I attempt to develop the love of movement that I once had. It is still there, but I know I have to be consistent so that I can feel the spirit within me grow. It is more about spirit, but when my body tightens up, that will be my gift to me.

1 - Fun - while watching a comedy of any kind or listening to some motivating music, doing something fun, enjoying the moment!

2 - 45 & 5 - approx. min. & min. days of the week - (but do not worry about time - put the timer on and FORGET ABOUT the number)

3 - Circuits, think variety when I am not able to do something new or really interesting (dancing, strength, yoga, pilates, cardio, games, deep snow walking (lol), etc., hopefully my new DVD arrives SOON: Forza-the Samurai Sword workout)

Jan1- walking   x

Jan2- circuit -weights, pilates, cardio & Wii boxing    √ 

Jan3-elliptical  √

Jan4-let’s just say intense activity, stretching  √

Jan5- strength training, kickboxing , walking √

 Jan6- elliptical, butt exercises (listening to The Tea Party…..very relaxing)  √

Jan7- elliptical, strength training  √

(6/7)

Jan8 - elliptical, butt exercises, 10 of my fave yoga poses  √

Jan9-

Jan10-