Jennifer

So it was a little loss for having just started - 2 pounds.  I know I could have seen a greater loss, but I did not manipulate myself or the scale.  So I am tooting my own horn with this.  It is difficult to resist that urge but I was telling myself just yesterday, “you better not lose fast because you did that before and look what happened!  Slowly it all came back and more!”  So, two pounds down.  I was thinking about celebrity sweetie, Shay from the Biggest Loser and in away, it is almost a blessing I think for her to hopefully slow down with the weight loss and really develop some healthy, slow, livable weightloss lifestyle strategies and goals.  Even for someone very large, 17 pounds lost in a week is INSANE.  The obsessed nut in me is so jealous, but the wise woman with experience knows the only way to go is slow and steady.  I can not count the number of times I have needed to resist the urge to journal my food or count points this week.  It was good once a long time ago for learning purposes, but it slowly became a way to measure my perfectionism and that just is not healthy for me.  So, noted, moving forward.

Now as for Dr. Oz’s Ultimate Challenge.  I have not been ideal.  I have been thoughtful of it, but not a hard ass.  I guess I am moderate and I am proud of that too.  Everything I did this week like thinking about whether I was hungry, attempting to chose whole foods more often, trying to limit my dessert like foods, has worked.  Still too many sweets, but something is different.  I have a smaller amount of something and that seems good to me.  I LOVE sharing!   As for exercise, it just has not been happening with me since having a really bad cold or flu.  I had all the symptoms of both including a fever for a while, but no respiratory issues, so I just stayed at home with NO activitiy unless you count the five minutes I tried to do on the elliptical.  Started coughing.  Two weeks of this nastiness.  So, I am thinking the weight will continue to drop slowly as I continue with my moderate mentality, add the activity as his plan suggests and adding also the things I enjoy like pilates and hard body yoga.  The cardio will have to come later as I still feel not quite 100% in my lungs.  Still I am starting with my pilates TODAY!

Today I am thankful for good friends and revisiting old gifts from friends that cheer you up again and again.  I am also thankful for being ill because it caused me to step back from my life and see the mess.  By being sick I was able to see what is important and what is not.  So, life gives us what we need, so very often.  I just needed to be still enough to see it and nothing beats illness to stop you in time.   Well it felt like it anyways… 

Tea cheers!

P.S.:  If I get to a weight of 155ish and I am bitching about not being smaller, I would appreciate it if some one bitch slapped me because I will NEVER be ungrateful for that little body again!  Somewhere around there is just right for me.  Boy, to think, after only a few months at buddyslim I was around 152.  Now, 20 some pounds to lose again inorder to feel comfortable and healthy.  Live and learn….. 

All right, it feel’s completely normal to be back.  I have been gone for over 2 months.  That is a record for the chick who use to be on every day.  But I missed feeling like people just understood the journey and the struggles.  I would like to be more reliant on myself and not have that neediness, but there is something special about people who just feel similar to myself.  I did not feel like I could speak about my weightloss journey on another site.  So what good is that, if you can not be who you are and say what you want to say?!?

Well, I was not going to change my ticker as motivation, but I want to be real.  So, I changed it.  No biggie at all.  I know I am not comfortable so I will naturally and slowly find a more comfortable place for this body.

I am not over-talking/writing about what I want to do or what I am going to do.  I am just trying to make some realistic adjustments as I have stepped backwards and that is not a good place to be going.  No more. 

Feeding my emotions as I have learned is ok, as long as there is some portion control.  No guilt.  Just eat and savor.  But this is my affirmation.  I love myself and food is (not the answer), it’s fuel and it can be fun.  And activity is a MUST.  How could I forget that?

My hormones are really needing some consistancy in all areas and so this is what I will do.  I will do my body right!  And there is no need to write about it and converse really about it.  It just knows what it needs.  So I will obey!  My body knows best.

Today I say that I am sorry to My Body, because I have treated You poorly in the past few weeks.  And so, if You will forgive me and reward my efforts, I think we will be great…. mind, body and soul.

Note: It says my comments are turned off.  I can not recall where that setting is and I have looked.  Oh well.  Life goes on. 

So I have been working on feeding the hunger in the last few days.  But I can be Ms Snacker for no reason other then fear, boredom, sadness, loneliness and I know I am no different then any other emotional eater.  Grrr….I am going to start to stop thinking of myself as that EEer.  I mean I do not really think about food so much, like I use to, but it’s still my go to after weeks and weeks of success.  Well it has been weeks and weeks of just eating, enjoying, some EE and just living.  Not dealing well with stress.  So I am officially no longer an Emotional Eater.  *smiles* 

So I am in pursuit to improve my physical view of the lower half of my body.  So NO MORE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.  I have to see myself like a goddess or really just quit this all.  So I am chosing to program my thinking and why not start this with being fun and giving myself a nickname…. Limber Limbs, Lightening Legs, Beautiful Legs, Hawt Legs.   Hehe… it’s fun to have a nickname.  :P    Yeh I figured out the poll thing.  LOL 

I want to become what I think….a more positive me!  A successful me!  Thanks to a friend who reminded me that thinking positive brings positive results.

Lately my inner dominatrix got the better of me and I was enticed back into the world of WW.  But I do not even care.  I am not perfecct!   I am not counting points like I use to.  You know, every single point.  Well this time I am rhinkinf about giving Core a real go which means whole foods (in my opinion) for the most part and only counting the non-Core foods which means I have 35 for 7 days.  Also, no measuring and eating until only until satisfied.  I could start today, because yesterday 3 wonderful tasting peanut cookies (one in the form of the dough) were enjoyed 100%.  That would be 12 points down right there.  Yikes!  Sure there were some consequences, and maybe some day I might really get that legumes are not so damn good for me, but I just felt like I wanted so bad.  So I did not deny.  I am not even going to do what I use to do which would be to say NO MORE, cause I know, I WILL WANT, WANT, WANT.  Just going about my day thinking about the joys in my life and having fun.  Getting my stuff done so I can get onto a better stage of life, but still enjoying these moments.

I am not sure what is better…. Start counting my extra points (foods that do not fall into the category of whole foods) on the weekend, this way I have to be good over the week because I am out of points….OR save them starting Monday and then have the weekend to enjoy.   Well I think an experiement is in order.  I will start today, knowing that we are going to the theater and we are having treats.  And then I will feel out the week and see if I am deprived.  I hypothesize (lol) that starting on a Monday and saving up I will feel less like depriving.  If I have the points to freely chose what I can do with them, knowing that we usually like our treats on the weekend (even white rice sushi and sourdough bread are treats as they are NOT Core) then I will be more into eating mostly Core/whole during the week.  But there is nothing as awful on my brain as spending the whole wod having fun, only to have nothing left and then I seem to want more and more and more.

So why the big deal?  Why even do Weight Watchers?  Well I just enjoy my food, but the weight does not want to budge.  There are certain foods that I struggle with when I do not pay attention.  So, I will eat well with the whole (watching the whole grains portions, but still eating them, no recording) but watch the simple sugars and simple startches and will record them.  No meetings.  No journalling.  Just recording the numerical value of non-Core foods.  No depriving… and remembering that non-Core foods are not as nutritious but they ARE not bad.  They simply are foods that contain less vitamins, less minerals, less fiber and I need to monitor my intake.  Maybe I want to be controlled just a little, BUT NOT TOO MUCH.  Life is no fun with out balance.

A special note on healthy fat though… I am not recording healthy fats and the extra oil as Core.  I am simply going with what my intuition tells me is good.  With my ear eczema and sometimes dry skin, I need to just eat as my body tells me to when it comes to the healthy fats especially. 

Yah, off to enjoy my berry almond milk smoothie, pilates work out,  a 3-D movie and a charity steak dinner.

I have finally gotten back to eating for hunger, well a little better anyways.  I did so start to eat when I was not hungry and the rewards were NOT THERE of course.  Anyways, I know what doing things right means.  SUCCESS!    It’s not always easy, and sometimes I faulter a little, but it’s a great thing to aim for!  Yeh, positivity….

And last night I had some carrot cake from Alexander’s restaurant which I have been craving for 2 days.  Ang, I did NOT have the Peanut butter pie…I know I am shocked too, but I can do without the peanuts.  The learning lesson here would have been, I could have stopped with 4-5 bites left or more and saved the rest.  I did not.  Better I will be next time.   I did have that ever so slightly too full feeling.

Today, I am bang on!  Good nutritious food and high energy foods and a lighter supper….salad and turkey.

Enjoyed some good weights, lunges, abdominal exercise and pilates.  

I am REALLY glad I am not weighing in tomorrow.  I gave myself a couple weeks before doing so again.  Yah!

Well we did the extraordinary and we just went out to a club and had fun for no reason other then FUN.  There was not even any kind of a performance or Bif…lol   See David kind of dared me but it was not much of a dare really.  I just did not want to have another boring night of the same old same old.   Here I was showering, putting my makeup on and drinking our best red wine… it was a true occasion!  lol

Not so much dancing but a lot of playing pool so that was fun.  And we met a new couple soon after we started playing our game of pool.   It’s so funny because I am sure people know what it’s like to wait for someone to call when they have given their number, well as a couple we are feeling the same thing.  Will they call and maybe sometime we can get together and play Settlers of Catan?  Boy o boy though, this woman was so lacking in self esteem.  Could it have been the alcohol?  I think all know that just brings out the truth of one’s feelings.  *sigh*  She was absolute JOY and fun and silly, but sad too.  Nothing like a parent to tell ya you are fat over and over.  Well this came out of her towards the end of the night (drunk) and it did not even put any downer on the night.  It was all just that good.  Who doesn’t have issues?  The point is we are all at different places and no matter what, we are all beautiful.  Even if a leg is burned and scared (hers is) or she feels a little self conscious to take off her sweater as she feels fat (been there but last night this was her too) 0r one just does not feel smart (yep!)) or someone just does not feel healthy (YES)…… we as woman are still beautiful works in progress.  And any step in the right direction at any speed is still living one’s best life I think.  Sometimes all I can seem to take is baby steps, but it’s something anyways.

So, MUST MUST MUST get back to the program a bit more.  The thing about doing Paul McKenna’s program is that it does not seem like effort and so it quickly can leave one’s thought and though it’s slight in effort, it is huge in results.  Still you have to follow the plan even if it’s completely logical - it’s how healthy weight people eat for goodness sake!  Because we did not expect to go out yesterday I missed listening to the CD.  Also a little too quick to eat late last night (martini’s will do this! )   So, back to the program and no regrets!  It was not just last night.  I have been slipping  a little with personal life stuff.  If there is one thing we all know, this part of our journey takes effort.  I slacked, but I am back to the Golden Rules -  Eat when hungry, eat what you want (I like healthy food most often, thank goodness), eat with awareness and enjoy and stop eating when full.  Also need to listen to the CD everyday and maybe play with some of the techniques in the book. 

MUST enjoy……………………. yummy, MANGO….. heaven in a bowl and the fragrant perfection of bergamot in my Earl Grey tea…  And the body is saying, protein today.

“Give me some protein.”

“You’re the boss!”

….the number until I reach my mini goal.  One down.

Strength Contract will be completed by tomorrow, though I did not exercise everyday, no kidding, I did all right.  Posted on a previous blog.

Onward and hopefully downward with a renewed interest in pilates and yoga.  I am looking into taking a class, one or the other.  Will see about the cost and types.  But this will be something I do that is outside my comfort box.  Until I take a class I have a stack of DVDs to help create my body.

One cool thing, when I started here at BS I bought an on-sale satin camosole that I was sure would fit and it did not.  Well it sat in my drawer for a long time, then last week I tried it on for shits and giggles and wow, it is no longer tight around my rib cage.  IT FITS!  I am stoked!  :P  Yah for good surprises.

Most things that happen are really just not worth fretting over.  This week I work even a little more on not sweating the small stuff.

Who says you can’t send a booster note to yourself….lol  Well technically you can’t, but it is the little things we do for ourselves and the positive affirmations to ourselves.  Or even last week when I took note of what I wanted to say to myself and I said I wanted to avoid the negative words in my head.  All these things matter.  And I was not perfect at keeping the negative out.  But I have some new tricks up my sleeve.  Nothing will stop me from creating my best self in mind, body and spirit.  But my efforts come with a gentle touch and this is most soothing to me.

So, my countdown to my mini goal is on.  WW is good again.  It seems fresh and though I know it will bug me at some point, I am putting my big girl panties on (they still are fun though) and remembering to love myself, enjoy life and adhere to portions.  Of course the points were over this weekend and I enjoyed a little TOO much.  But even going over a little, ok a lot is still better then watching things skid completely off the path meal after meal.  This week more Balance and listening to my hunger.  This week I reward my body with healthy choices.  I am such a broken record!!!!

I want to give thanks for all that this body does for me and want to show it, good eats and respect.  This past week was such a scary week with the loss of Michael Jackson and it has had me thinking about my Grandmother whom I never met.  She died of heart problems when my Mom was 13 years old and sometimes lately I feel my heart is sad and over stressed.  So I am going to take note of my body signals and intuitively do what is best for me.

I use to do the unusual things, the fun things and did not care about anything that people thought.  Well I have wilted a bit and this week is about picking myself up and daring myself to be that person who just rocked her world.  So I dare myself to do the extraordinary and really think of this week as my last.  What would I do if it was my last?   Working on those fears, those fears that keep me all locked up and in pain.

Life is too short to sweat the small and it is all too short to not live… Repetition is good for memory…lol

I posed a question to myself about how I could be accountable to drop a couple and feel better.  Well I just enjoyed my food, tried to eat moderately, worked out when I could and stopped when I felt I needed, enjoyed a mini home spa and followed some good wisdom both from a friend and from my inner self.

Wishing everyone a great week.

Tappy tap tap tap!    Beating to my own drum……

Earl grey tea cheers to you !

Ms Melissa is my favorite on So You Think You Can Dance.  Perhaps it is because she is the oldest and looks so fabulous.  Anyways she has got me thinking about what I also prefer in terms of activity - pilates.  I just am not enjoying certain things.  Maybe it’s too much of an unstructured thing or maybe I feel the need for different.  Shocking.  So I want to give pilates a real go and maybe see what kind of a WonderMe I sculpt.  I have no high expectations, just want to go light and enjoy.   So, it was a light month of just doing what I thought my body needed in the moment, but I plan to do pilates mainly.  I notice results so quickly with pilates.  Why not make it my go to activity?  And so that body of Melissa’s may have made me remember what I love, pilates, but it is me who only expects enjoyment through out the activity.  And if a semi-hard ass should be created, that is just fine with me.   Relaxing and effective.

Funny how I find the Best things in the most unusual places.  Funny how I learned by listening to myself the best thing for relaxation or recalling something I read not too long ago .  SHUT OFF the negative messages!  No more sad sad messages from the outside world.  You just have to take a rest!  And shuttie-up.  I just take too too much in too often.

There are very few things I enjoy more then listening to Josh Groban or James Blunt and just being with me and the pilates movements.  I think it makes the slight pain in my butt not so uncomfortable.  lol  And so Oscar and I discover the blissful perfection in  the form of our favorite sound - Josh!   Completely relaxed !!!   Hehe…. Oscar actually, I am not kidding, my cat,  loves listening to Josh Groban as much as I do.  *smiles*

Bliss.

That is the number to lose to reach my mini goal.  And this could be my goal, I am not sure.  But how hard can 16 pounds be???

Ticker is adjusted.

I am trying to work Weight Watchers (24-30 pts) and Intuitive Eating.  Ahh just a little like opposites… Also easy on the treats.  My ass and my mind are not loving the sugar!

Trying to be more consistant with the activity.

Emotions!  What the hell can I say about this?  May have to ask a friend about some techniques she has found helpful.  It is time to start talking I think.  I can not do it by myself anymore.

Monday is my weigh in until I decide that is the stupidest day to weigh in.  lol  Once a week has GOT to be better than numerous times a week.

Also: waist-33inches, hip-43inches and thigh-25inches (George will be arriving soon….explaining some excess in inches and emotions.)

Question that I will answer Monday when I weigh in:  What did I do to be accountable to myself and for myself???

May 29 – 30 min. of free weights, 20 min. jog in spot

28 – not feeling well

29 – 20 min. f. w. (light)  - blah I am counting it

30 – trampoline 15, Elliptical 15, T35, E25, crunches, mini golf J

31 -  walk w/ David around the river and mall (total walking time – 2 hrs)

June 1 – T25, E30, various strength exercise and other – 15min

2 – E35, pilates butt & thigh

3 – E30, Strength 30

4 – T45 (25 w/ 2 5s), pilates butt & high, mini golf

5 – heavy weight/low reps, leg strength ex’s, crunches, etc.(30+)

6 – mind was everywhere, BUT not on exercise L no good reason

7 – Get Ripped (50+)

8 – E30

9 – nadda

10 – T/E 60., walk 40 – would call the trampoline mre of a strength wkout then a cardio

11- heavy weight b4 cardio (2-15s), E30 w/ 5s for 20 min.

12 – E20

13 – pilates butt & thigh

14 – nadda

15 – free weights, pilates, E25 w/5s *

16 – Elliptical w/ increased resistance 45

17 – E30

18 – E41, free weights, E19

19  - 1 hr & 45 min. walk, free weights ~15 min.

20 – Hard Body Yoga ~60

21-  nadda

22 – E15

23- T20

24 – nadda

25- E25, light weights for 5 min

26- crunches, pilates 30 min, deadlifts

27- Hard Body Yoga

28- nadda

29- E30, pilates, crunches

30- Hard Body Yoga

* This was a win win day.  Did not feel well the day before and did not feel well that AM, but I knew why I felt crappy.  I over indulged over the weekend.  So because I was feeling well in the afternoon, I worked it.  A great day and one of those days I could have just let go because the previous days had been so off really.  Yah for me.  *pats self*

Not thinking a lot about exericse, just trying to do it!  lol  And get in the strength - 3x/wk.

So I’m most thankful today for being inspired in unique places and by people I do not know.  Love this.  My teachers.

Today I wonder if I can accomplish my weight loss goals by giving old things another go?  No labels or commitments, just gentle approaches to satisfy my hunger and maintain health.  I have learned so much about what my body needs, even season to season, and when it does not receive so much of this, it needs a little more of that.  Could I be satisfied with eating how I want to eat and maybe not losing any more weight?  Could I be healthy in my mind, body and spirit if I were to just eat how I wanted to eat and do what I wanted to do actively?  Thin people just do this!  Well realisticly I may always need to remind myself to be active.  I love it, but it’s the first thing to go if things get busier.

I was initially thinking I might do another contract with myself to not over indulge in chocolate when it’s in the house.  THAT DAMN CHOCOLATE!  This seems ridiculous to me now.  My new thing that I want to work on is eating moderately as I did when David was away.  Man am I feeling full today!  Animal products leave me feeling heavy and I guess my stomach must have shrunk, but seriously I ATE TOO MUCH TODAY!  Live and learn………. Yeh I have done this 100s of times in my life !  :P  Just less now days, a plus.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Something that I discovered yesterday that I just need to share.  My activity… short, effective, energizing and maybe could explain part of my hunger today.  (Just could have stopped at the hunger point a little earlier.)

Routine:  Take heavier weights than normal and do 8-10 reps, what ever seems good and difficult. I used 15 pound dumb bells.  Seriously, I really worked it!!! I did deadlifts, SLOW rows(triples), bicep curls, shoulder press.  (Woman will NOT get big unless they are taking testosterone and lord knows I have plenty! of female hormones.  *sigh*)  I could not do more then 2 sets each.  With no breaks my heart was a pumping, but not crazy…. about 2 minutes of this.  I just listened to what my body was capable of.  Then I took the lighter 5 pound dumb bells and used them WHILE I did the elliptical.  NICE.  I used them for 20 of my 30 minutes (this is what I could do) and I felt like I was doing something!  Will definitely be doing this again.

Love it!!!