Jennifer

So I have been working on feeding the hunger in the last few days.  But I can be Ms Snacker for no reason other then fear, boredom, sadness, loneliness and I know I am no different then any other emotional eater.  Grrr….I am going to start to stop thinking of myself as that EEer.  I mean I do not really think about food so much, like I use to, but it’s still my go to after weeks and weeks of success.  Well it has been weeks and weeks of just eating, enjoying, some EE and just living.  Not dealing well with stress.  So I am officially no longer an Emotional Eater.  *smiles* 

So I am in pursuit to improve my physical view of the lower half of my body.  So NO MORE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.  I have to see myself like a goddess or really just quit this all.  So I am chosing to program my thinking and why not start this with being fun and giving myself a nickname…. Limber Limbs, Lightening Legs, Beautiful Legs, Hawt Legs.   Hehe… it’s fun to have a nickname.  :P    Yeh I figured out the poll thing.  LOL 

I want to become what I think….a more positive me!  A successful me!  Thanks to a friend who reminded me that thinking positive brings positive results.

Lately my inner dominatrix got the better of me and I was enticed back into the world of WW.  But I do not even care.  I am not perfecct!   I am not counting points like I use to.  You know, every single point.  Well this time I am rhinkinf about giving Core a real go which means whole foods (in my opinion) for the most part and only counting the non-Core foods which means I have 35 for 7 days.  Also, no measuring and eating until only until satisfied.  I could start today, because yesterday 3 wonderful tasting peanut cookies (one in the form of the dough) were enjoyed 100%.  That would be 12 points down right there.  Yikes!  Sure there were some consequences, and maybe some day I might really get that legumes are not so damn good for me, but I just felt like I wanted so bad.  So I did not deny.  I am not even going to do what I use to do which would be to say NO MORE, cause I know, I WILL WANT, WANT, WANT.  Just going about my day thinking about the joys in my life and having fun.  Getting my stuff done so I can get onto a better stage of life, but still enjoying these moments.

I am not sure what is better…. Start counting my extra points (foods that do not fall into the category of whole foods) on the weekend, this way I have to be good over the week because I am out of points….OR save them starting Monday and then have the weekend to enjoy.   Well I think an experiement is in order.  I will start today, knowing that we are going to the theater and we are having treats.  And then I will feel out the week and see if I am deprived.  I hypothesize (lol) that starting on a Monday and saving up I will feel less like depriving.  If I have the points to freely chose what I can do with them, knowing that we usually like our treats on the weekend (even white rice sushi and sourdough bread are treats as they are NOT Core) then I will be more into eating mostly Core/whole during the week.  But there is nothing as awful on my brain as spending the whole wod having fun, only to have nothing left and then I seem to want more and more and more.

So why the big deal?  Why even do Weight Watchers?  Well I just enjoy my food, but the weight does not want to budge.  There are certain foods that I struggle with when I do not pay attention.  So, I will eat well with the whole (watching the whole grains portions, but still eating them, no recording) but watch the simple sugars and simple startches and will record them.  No meetings.  No journalling.  Just recording the numerical value of non-Core foods.  No depriving… and remembering that non-Core foods are not as nutritious but they ARE not bad.  They simply are foods that contain less vitamins, less minerals, less fiber and I need to monitor my intake.  Maybe I want to be controlled just a little, BUT NOT TOO MUCH.  Life is no fun with out balance.

A special note on healthy fat though… I am not recording healthy fats and the extra oil as Core.  I am simply going with what my intuition tells me is good.  With my ear eczema and sometimes dry skin, I need to just eat as my body tells me to when it comes to the healthy fats especially. 

Yah, off to enjoy my berry almond milk smoothie, pilates work out,  a 3-D movie and a charity steak dinner.

I have finally gotten back to eating for hunger, well a little better anyways.  I did so start to eat when I was not hungry and the rewards were NOT THERE of course.  Anyways, I know what doing things right means.  SUCCESS!    It’s not always easy, and sometimes I faulter a little, but it’s a great thing to aim for!  Yeh, positivity….

And last night I had some carrot cake from Alexander’s restaurant which I have been craving for 2 days.  Ang, I did NOT have the Peanut butter pie…I know I am shocked too, but I can do without the peanuts.  The learning lesson here would have been, I could have stopped with 4-5 bites left or more and saved the rest.  I did not.  Better I will be next time.   I did have that ever so slightly too full feeling.

Today, I am bang on!  Good nutritious food and high energy foods and a lighter supper….salad and turkey.

Enjoyed some good weights, lunges, abdominal exercise and pilates.  

….the number until I reach my mini goal.  One down.

Strength Contract will be completed by tomorrow, though I did not exercise everyday, no kidding, I did all right.  Posted on a previous blog.

Onward and hopefully downward with a renewed interest in pilates and yoga.  I am looking into taking a class, one or the other.  Will see about the cost and types.  But this will be something I do that is outside my comfort box.  Until I take a class I have a stack of DVDs to help create my body.

One cool thing, when I started here at BS I bought an on-sale satin camosole that I was sure would fit and it did not.  Well it sat in my drawer for a long time, then last week I tried it on for shits and giggles and wow, it is no longer tight around my rib cage.  IT FITS!  I am stoked!  :P  Yah for good surprises.

Most things that happen are really just not worth fretting over.  This week I work even a little more on not sweating the small stuff.

Who says you can’t send a booster note to yourself….lol  Well technically you can’t, but it is the little things we do for ourselves and the positive affirmations to ourselves.  Or even last week when I took note of what I wanted to say to myself and I said I wanted to avoid the negative words in my head.  All these things matter.  And I was not perfect at keeping the negative out.  But I have some new tricks up my sleeve.  Nothing will stop me from creating my best self in mind, body and spirit.  But my efforts come with a gentle touch and this is most soothing to me.

So, my countdown to my mini goal is on.  WW is good again.  It seems fresh and though I know it will bug me at some point, I am putting my big girl panties on (they still are fun though) and remembering to love myself, enjoy life and adhere to portions.  Of course the points were over this weekend and I enjoyed a little TOO much.  But even going over a little, ok a lot is still better then watching things skid completely off the path meal after meal.  This week more Balance and listening to my hunger.  This week I reward my body with healthy choices.  I am such a broken record!!!!

I want to give thanks for all that this body does for me and want to show it, good eats and respect.  This past week was such a scary week with the loss of Michael Jackson and it has had me thinking about my Grandmother whom I never met.  She died of heart problems when my Mom was 13 years old and sometimes lately I feel my heart is sad and over stressed.  So I am going to take note of my body signals and intuitively do what is best for me.

I use to do the unusual things, the fun things and did not care about anything that people thought.  Well I have wilted a bit and this week is about picking myself up and daring myself to be that person who just rocked her world.  So I dare myself to do the extraordinary and really think of this week as my last.  What would I do if it was my last?   Working on those fears, those fears that keep me all locked up and in pain.

Life is too short to sweat the small and it is all too short to not live… Repetition is good for memory…lol

I posed a question to myself about how I could be accountable to drop a couple and feel better.  Well I just enjoyed my food, tried to eat moderately, worked out when I could and stopped when I felt I needed, enjoyed a mini home spa and followed some good wisdom both from a friend and from my inner self.

Wishing everyone a great week.

Tappy tap tap tap!    Beating to my own drum……

Earl grey tea cheers to you !

So I always wonder, what is best for me?  Should I aim to eat really complex and delish meals and be satisfied (who has the time??) or just eat simple and healthy and possible be left wanting?

Well I think the answer for me lies in between.

I was inspired by the menu on The View’s site where one of the lady is trying to lose some weight for a bathing suit showing on TV.

http://www.theview.tv/blog/sherris-bathing-suit-challenge-diet-week-2#comments

I want to be satisfied, yet not completely involved in creating masterpiece meals.

B- Fresh fruit salad - blueberries, apricot, banana, cherries, pineapple….(little later) beef slices wrapped in butter lettuce leaves (hit of mustard and black pepper)

L- sweet potato fries w/ olive oil, Johnnys seasoning, little ranch dressing, Franks hot sauce and nutritional yeast sprinked after cooled, salad and veggies- THIS WAS BLISS, omg!

S-1/2 a Clover Leaf Fresh Thai Herb tuna w/ a large salad, flaxseed oil, Renes Japanese style dressing, rice noodles

Treat-  almond milk “mocha” with Caflib and stevia, yummy rice crispy cake with extra marhmellows, jelly candies

s-  Earl grey tea, Brazil nuts, rice cakes, goji berries,

Not feeling super well today when I woke up so eating lighter is best.  And seeing all that blue cheese in those recipes on that site, DID NOT HELP.  
I bet I feel a lot less bloated tomorrow!!!  I have been eating more meat and wheat and I feel  like a whale.  So today’s meat total is about 3 ounces.  No wheat for awhile.

So, I wrote a blog after I saw Earthlings and kept it as a draft, ahh why?  It was all about my mindset during and after the documentary.  It really affected me as I knew it would.  It was really hard to watch.  It was kind of like Shindler’s List the first time I saw it only 100 times worse.  

So, I did not eat for a long time after this.  Just did not have an appetite and then I fed myself and my emotions a little.  The food was down on paper.  But I wanted to write out the pros and cons of my day with food to keep some not so clear perspective, CLEAR.

Pros: I made the choice to have extra protein, even if it was whey protein, when I had more sugar then normal.  Good job.  High sugar and low protein is NOT good for the body!!! So good job me.  Milk is worse for me at this time then the much simpler amino acids of the whey, so, so what.  :)  I also took all my vitamins and enzymes, so, kudos.   I did mostly feed my hunger except for a sugar treat.  Ok.  I will  not be eating past 6:ooPM… Great!

Cons: I had more simple sugar/carbs then I would normally and that is ok, but will aim for a healthier day tomorrow.  I had portions of some off-my-list-foods.  I feel fine as I have been pretty good with the elimination diet, still need to be careful and get back to it.

More perspective:  Checked out Sparks and I did not do so bad at all.  Only 250 cal over for a Saturday at 2000 and over with the fat.  Under with the carbs but way more then usual and more protein the usual which is good for the day - 68 grams, awesome!  It was worth the time to check things out because I might have had a wrong view of my day.  And that kind of thinking never leads to good things for me.  Nipped in the bud and ready to have a little workout to keep my attitude optimum…. In a world where things are not ideal, I can still make the best of my moments, my life.

Ahh Oscar wants attention and so I am his beotch  ;)

So I am awake.  Oscar has waken me up and for what, I do not know.  He has food.  Maybe it’s the rain.  My heavens it smell wonderful!  I feel weird today ??  but I am liking it.

I love it when I opt for a different breakfast and just enjoy the new flavor.   Even if it’s simple, it’s perfect.  A drizzle of agave and salted organic butter on brown rice bread toast was yummy with my 1/2 banana.  I woke up craving almond butter and it’s so weird, but I have noticed that when I crave something I often do not eat it slowly enough.  I thought a change was good and it was!  Most enjoyable! And no thoughts until after that maybe I did not get enough protein.  Why NOT chose the almond butter?  It’s a better choice right?  Well maybe not.  I should avoid most nuts.  The protein thing has been a problem, thinking I need more and more protein when infact, my body might have been saying less and less.  I reason this out since doing this diet and getting a little less protein I feel better.  And well I was so wrong, I can still lose weight and eat around 45-50 grams of protein.  Some days a little more.  Whatever I feel….

I thought I’d be irritable not having this large list of foods on this diet, but I feel clear and usually quite content.  There were times before I think I knew what it felt to be a drug addict…wanting, wanting, needing?  I would lie if I said I did not miss cheese and eggs…. I DO.  But my goal is about getting my intestinal health back into good shape….. just like the rest of me.   I have had soy and feel okay and I feel this must be because I have not had it really so much.   I am not going to start having it a lot either.  I am keeping it extremely moderate.  Like last night.  I made a small chocolate soy sundae with a couple cherries and a 1/4 of a banana…YUM.   Speaking of which I enjoyed that treat like I can not even tell you.  It was heaven!   I was slightly hungry, but I do need to watch out for the mindless night time eating.  I do not need it to creep back in.

The neatest thing about this diet, is there are times I want to eat something for shear boredom and NOTHING appeals.  Those former go to foods (corn, dariy, wheat, peanut) are the ones I can not have on this elimination/allergy diet.  So this is working out REALLY well for my weight loss.  *big smiles*  So many times I have just sat down realising, I was not hungry anyways!  Then there are times I am really hungry and I just eat something on the Can-Have-list.  All good.

Exercise is going well.  No more muffin top!!  Hip hip horray!!!  And my waist is back down to the low 30s instead of the mid 30s.  My legs are toning up and are down 1 whole inch.  LOL.  Well it’s progress.

One thing.  I want to see the documentary with Joaquin Phoenix called Earthlings.  The craziest thing is, it has been out since 2005!! Where have I been???  It’s about the treatment of animals by the world’s food producers. My problem is I feel better eating a diet that is best described as the Paleo-diet (hunter- gather, veggies, fruits, meat protein, seeds) + a vegan diet (I would normally say vegetarian because I would eat dairy and eggs, but not at the moment).  This works best for me I find.  Paleo and vegan are opposite but this is what my meals look like and I feel healthy.  But it has been brought to my attention in a very upset manner, you know who, my Big Sweet Pea, hehe, that if I watch the documentary I’ll be eating all vegan again….No!  That was not healthy for me!  Last time I changed our eating habits (though I still cooked my sweetie his meat sometimes : )  after I read Skinny Bitch and was inspired by the written text descriptions of animal treatments.  For god sakes if a hockey player goes vegetarian/soon to be vegan maybe (he says) after seeing Earthlings, well how am I suppose to resist when morally I already struggle sometimes with meat?  The fact is, I do feel better physically with a little meat.  Two to three ounces is usually enough most days out of the week.  But I really want to see it!  It’s like how they describe people gawking at a car wreck, only I can not do that.  So…….what to do.   I am at a loss.  I know I believe in the correct and human treatment of animals and this is achieved on some farms but NOT the massive farms where the majority of our animal protein comes from.  I feel conflicted.  I want to see it………………………………..  But David knows me and I do too.

Ahhh….. 7:35 AM  time to workout.  *deep breathing*

So it came to me this AM as I was just waking up, tonight is day 30 for my challenge.  30 days of not eating after 7PM unless truly hungry has been terrific….more energy, better sleep,  improved metabolism especially when I actually ate when I was hungry, even after 7PM. It was interesting to deal with that voice in my head like I was failing by eating.  It was not about denial.  It was about chosing food for hunger and not all the reasons that I have in the past….. food is tasty, food is a friend, food is soothing when lonely, sad, mad….and on and on….  I am excited to have a new relationship with food and MY GOODNESS, FOOD TASTES SO UNBELIEVABLY WONDERFUL WHEN YOU ARE HUNGRY.  How could something as simple as a green salad, potato w/ a little butter, olive oil, squeeze of lemon, dash of salt, pepper and fresh dill taste so heavenly? -hunger.

So, this was pretty easy.  I am sticking with it.  A new lifestyle change.  Officially.

I do not know what to think of everything I have studied.  There are some contradictions and it feels a bit strange, but I guess this is life.  Even allopathy does not always have the answers.  Everyone is unique!  :)  What I have figured out for myself, with the support and knowledge from my studies, is that dairy is not for me.  I feel like I am mourning it’s loss…. Look here I go thinking about what I DO NOT HAVE.  Caught myself……   But it is soooo good.   *not thinking about it anymore/rolls eyes*  Maybe in those tough times with fantasies of peanut butter pie and MacLaren’s Imperial aged cheese (CURRENTLY IN THE REFRIGERATOR as someone bought it as HIS treat and I chose apple butter  :), I will just have to go and read some vegan site…. :P  Ahhh, best to see the humor in it.  Knowing that a craving is going to hurt me, really ought to be enough!  Ahhh I will let the vegans preach at me…. haha.

“NO, that is MY organic butter and I will not allow you to sh1t on it and when I finally purchase some raw honey, you can hump a tree if you think I will give that up either!” 

So, the question in my head, HOW LONG will I be here at buddyslim?  The fact is, I will be here as long as it works for me.  My weight minded self would like to see a body around 155, +/- 2, but she does not rule.  I love blabbing on my little space.  My apologies for blabbing on other’s blogs though.  Sometimes I feel filled with emotion and thoughts…. it happens.

must….walk…away from…the…computer…..  The day is starting.

*feeling fiesty*

More and more I am coming on here, not my computer *frowns*, because this is still the only place I can express my weighty thought and concerns.  I think I have been talking less about things then I use to with David as things are just great in my head.  I really like where I am at.  From the outside I am sure it looks like control, but I am enjoying life, food and not worrying about this or that.  I truly have been feeling good.  But the problem is David still thinks that I am going to get all worried and stressed if I have some sugar (because he knows my goals are important to me) and I am just more relaxed then I have ever been?  What is the problem?  I think he feels guilty or fear or both because I had a bit of his sugary treat yesterday.  I perhaps should have resisted, but it was not about my goal.  I feel I will not explain this well, but I just felt good with everything and wanted to prove to myself that food/sugar was not my enemy.  And I enjoyed my entire meal and a few bites of a treat, without rushing.   I always tend to eat fast at a restaurant and I enjoyed it like it was one wonderful hour of shear bliss, because it was.  I think I liked the act of chewing really slow and experiencing every unique texture and flavor.  And I did NOT fear sugar.   I was not craving, I just was living in the moment with peace.    So I ENJOYED.  I was able to enjoy….. And I think it was a show for David too, who seemed to enjoy me eating with such intent and pleasure.  Just that thing at the end with the treat.  NOW, the day after, I understand why he was the way he was.

I am still opting for foods that do not have sweeteners, but the more I have thought about this part of my goal, the more I have felt like it is not the big thing for me.  I started this because I ate a shit load of chocolate chips.  I still could not figure that one out and I do not care.  The only thing that matters is what I choose to do with each new moment with food now.  Food and I are going to work together to achieve some greatness, but I will not be afraid.  I have been in the past, fearful I guess because of where my head has been at.  Really when I have overloaded my body with junky foods (not a judgement, just fact), I have not been able to deal well with stress and life.  But there is a balance within and I know if I can just learn confidence (a mystery!?) then I will be set.  But as it is, I feel peace with the many things that have been sources of stress in the past.

The freedom from mindless night time eating has been wonderful for me.  And I like not worrying about, well what if I am hungry!?  Well, if I am hungry, I will eat something!!!  What a concept.  I did not become overweight in my life because I ate when I was hungry.  lol.  By respecting my hunger, my metabolism does not live in fear.  Rather if rewards me with a half pound here and a half pound there, LOST.  Ok, I will take this and be thankful.  It is about the little changes after all…..

My goals are now just more like lifestyle or healthy ways of being.  Still I need to pat myself of the back, I have gone 21 days without mindless eating.  What does this mean?  Well most nights I have only had herbal teas, decaf tea, water or Caflib.  Some nights I have had fruits or veggies.  And only one night when I ate light through out the day did I absolutely need to feed my true hunger….I enjoyed that rye toast and fruit like it was heaven on a plate.  It would have been disrespectful to not eat.  Not to mention it would have been negative for me who is trying to work on the metabolism, not put it into sleep mode again.   So this is the goodness that came from some intensity yesterday.  I will take all the heated moments and joys in life as it all sculpts me into this person I am meant to be.

So I have gone 13 days of NOT eating after supper unless hungry.   I feel the joys of a metabolism and I’m appreciating.  I do believe it just settled down into hybernation over the winter.  I am not kidding either.  I have made some changes, but STILL!  That was just craziness!  Anyways I think I learned some things that will help me keep the metabolism going.  So, the 13 nights have been great.  Now I am fairly sure that I consumed sugar last night.  We spent the day with a couple yesterday which was very nice - played some board games (crappy weather) and watched hockey.  Enjoyed some sushi together for lunch and then I just forgot about my goals.  Not a big deal, but I am almost positive that I had sugar in a dressing that I put on my Greek and spinach salad.  It was a balsamic vinegarette that was so tangy and sweet tasting and I enjoyed, though it did seem a bit rich for my stomach later, oh yeh in combination with a thin crust chicken and vegetable pizza w/ pesto sauce instead of tomato sauce.  The fact that the meal stayed with me so long, could have just been the fat content or the flour because I did not over eat at all, at any part of the day.  I enjoyed it anyways.  I did feel like I had let myself down momentarily because of the sugar, then I grabbed some perspective!!!  It was a fun day with some good people.   I went 8 days with NO SUGAR/sweetener OF ANY KIND.  That is a record for me and I feel great because of it.  My next and completely usual thought was, “well I blew it so, now I can have sugar again.”  Well no way!!  This is a lifestyle change and having a little sugar in some dressing (of which I maybe had a tablespoon and a half) is not a huge deal.  Sure I made the commitment, but one of my unspoken commitments is to be gentle with myself and progress with my lifestyle changes.  So making the choice to continue on with the no sweeters and sugar is exactly what I intend to do.  I am firm on the no mindless eating at night though.  This is just VERY good for me.  Eating at night, mindlessly, is a behavior that I recall so well and has become a very unhealthy behavior for me.  I just do not need that food in me, unless I have exercised that night and need a little something something….fruit or something.

So, that is that.

Freedom from night time eating - 13 days

Sugar/sweetener free - 8 days, a trip-up along my path…moving on…

Chemical free - doing the best I can in this society of ours and I am not over thinking things too much.

*Yesterday’s activity: cleaning condo quickly, with my sweeties help, before company came over.  Hey, we have stairs so it was a complete and good work out…  :)   Today:  Muscles!!!

The freedom from the mindless night time eating…..

For the kind of dieter that I am, I MUST relax equally as much as I think about all this craziness.  Key: Stay commited to a couple important things, but relax too.  So far, things are great and I see this becoming a nice little life syle.  I REALLY have not been missing the eating at night at all.  In fact, I like the clean teeth feeling and the ever so empty feeling (very good for my past poor digestion).  I will be sitting and watching a program on TV, maybe even a hockey game (Go Washington, GO!) and I love the freedom from the “one snack, ok, maybe two snacks is okay.  Well the heck, why not one more.”  None of this and it’s wonderful! 

So this and exercise have been helping me to feel strong and healthier.  So, why am I a little nervous?  Well it is the weekend and WHO DOESN’T eat on the weekend nights?  Tonight I am going to a Bath Goddess party and that should be free of snacks, but then there is Saturday night.  No clue what is up, but I want this for me!  Not because of anything other then I want to prove to myself that I can commit to something and be good with it.  A little weight loss would be heavenly too.  SO, I need a little motivation…..hehe

My dear Bif Naked is CANCER FREE (yes she kicked it in the ass big time) and she has a CD coming out this coming week. 

SO my gift to myself for not eating after supper on this first weekend is that I get to buy her new CD on THE DAY it is released.  Other wise I have to wait a week.  Well, this is suddenly easy.  I want the CD!  Also, this summer she’s performing a concert here in Saskatoon, so I desperately need pants or something to go with any number of my tops.  So, my reward for going 30 days with no night time eating after supper (remembering that feeding true hunger is healthy and essential…just a little the curb the real hunger - this is ok) is of course new pants.  Yah!  What if I eat within the 30?  Well I need pants…..and I am pretty sure no one wants to see me naked.  Ok, will cross this bridge when it comes.  It’s mostly all words.  I am going to do my best and the pants will be mine.  But will I have the bragging rights to say I did it?  I WANT THIS !!!

Yah, yah the the motivation should be internal, but I want to make this fun.  No reprimands or feeling bad at any time.  But I do need to stay commited and this requires a little thought.  The fact that my attitude is so great these days is another little reward. 

I feel physically strong and motivated.  And this head of mine is pleasantly on the right way, so that is an added bonus.  

*hugs*