Jennifer

Firstly I will be reading blogs as soon as I can.  And I know there are some ladies I need to go back and read some of your older blogs.  I miss you and I have not forgotten about you.  I have just needed to do some things and refocus and I am one of those people who is really good at multitasking until I am not….lol  So, things are busy this week, but still I can feel myself starting to RELAX.

What has been working for my blues and weight loss?  (And the two do go hand and hand.)

-regular exercise (30 min of cardio/day and I am at 5 consecutive days)

-balanced eating

-reaching out to a friend

-a reduction of stress and stressful situations

-no more exposure to renovating chemicals and materials (paint, drywall and drywall dust, paint thinner, paint stripper, crack filler, tub instalation chemicals and product) - these things do place stress on our bodies and cause a depeletion in vitamins and minerals.  I detest chemicals and so that in itself is added stress.   Could write more about chemicals, BUT NO.  Yah, done with them.

-making sure I have been taking my regular vitamins plus other supplements.  I do not take many supplements as I do see them as medicine.  And St. John’s Wort is seriously helpful for me.  I am not taking the full dose, but do find I am really less anxious and less likely to EE.

-Relaxation and self care (meditation, fall clean up that is not rushed, good comedies, good music, getting a new hair cut today)

-Finding out from any source, that I am not alone in what I am feeling and experiencing

 -I am recording just for 5 days to make sure my nutrition is back on.  It has been all over the place and not a desirable place for weight loss.

-REMEMBERING (this has been tough lately) that a high fiber/phytic acid diet can reduce zinc levels and low zinc levels CAN cause a variety of issues including a decreased immune system and low sex drive (among other issues).  One of my favorite high fiber cereals DOES NOT have added zinc where as others do.  Since adding a little zinc when I was ill and when ever I see that I am having those high fiber foods some what frequently I have been feeling a lot better. ;)  Mostly I am eating zinc rich foods.  I am writing this company to ask them why their cereal does not contain added zinc. One serving contains 8 grams of fiber and eaten semi regularily with a healthy diet also contributing to good, I SAY GOOD *smiles* fiber, could lead to low zinc levels.  It is important to know that the requirement of vitamins and minerals is VERY INDIVIDUAL and the symptomalogy is often a better indicator then blood tests.  My tests showed that everything is fine and yet my health was not fine.  Things are finally better.

And what I can believe is INCREASED SERETONIN.  :) 

Today David and I are going to the Trans Siberian Orchestra and I am feeling like it is Christmas.  Not because of the show, this was David’s pick (I picked the James Blunt concert) but rather it IS ELECTION DAY.   I will enjoy the show!   But this election affects more in this world then Canada’s resent election.  SO as soon as I am home tonight, my eyes will be glued to the TV.  I am so excited!!  Yep, I am a giddy kid.  Let’s go Obama voters!!!  I am cheering on my McCain supporting buddies too especially because you have (a) heart(s) of gold.  Love you all!  *hugs*

I just wanted to do a quick check in and say thanks to the responses on my last blog.  I have really been in a mood in the last couple days.  I was a bit nervous this weekend to go to a family members birthday this weekend (Grandma is 90 years young and grouchy grouchy…. oh dear) because I felt like I might bite someone’s head off.  HORMONES and stress I am sure.  But all went well and I am feeling so much better today.  Grandma was so happy to see all her grandkids together… her words!

I am not going to say I feel normal because I don’t.   Not getting the right amino acids from my diet and not enough iodine has really affected me.  So when looking at the foods that I have been avoiding and just not eating for what ever reason, it is not surprising that I have come to this point.  We get out what we put in and I have been slacking, not caring and have been progressing to this point.  Anyways, I am still not eating meat so much (fish yes) but I have added some supplements that are helping me feel human again.   Body temperature was at 98.1 this AM and so I could not be happier.   YEH I am sweating too…… libido is ON!  Joy!  Could use a little more energy, but this will come.  I know I just need to take care of myself.

Too much stress lately for sure.  Thank you buddies.  I have not been dealing well with stress and I know this has been a factor.  If these hormones get back into check, I know I will be myself soon!   Stress and environmental factors can deplete the body that is just trying to get enough of this and that to function it’s best.  Truly, no matter what shape our bodies are in right now, they are phenomenal in all that they do for us.  *hugs myself tight*

Have a great day everyone! 

This is a blog for my buddies.  And normally I would not write about such things here, but I feel lost.  If you are not a buddy or a member of this site, then you are disrespecting my space to grow and learn by reading this highly personal blog.  But who am I kidding, if this spew helps anyone, well then I am thankful for that annoying desire within me to share…haha   We are after all here to share.  I write this because I need to share with my buddies instead of writing all cryptic like.  This is me all naked and right now that feels very scary!  But I would not be me if I did not feel scared and then just jump. Why not?  Well now you can stop or read on.  Cheers! 

What is the advantage of being over weight? (Thank you Jo for raising this important question.)

Answer: a sense of security.

Hmmmm….. that is a tough one but since getting real, I think some next steps can be taken.

Most of who I am seems to want to lose weight, so why that occasional binge and the careless eating that has set me back what feels like a lot?   I would just need a week or two to really feel good again but it starts always in the moment and I have not been doing so well with this.

I know I should not be thinking about a deadline and making that my goal but I am.  It is about 4 weeks until I have my physical and I am worried.  I am being such a dork.  But dreams and thoughts are really getting to me.  And this stress is affecting me in a variety of unhealthy and unproductive ways.  I just do not know what to do.  I love the ideas that support wellness and soften the negativity behind ideas that can only lead to eating issues.  But I want to lose and I do not feel I can do it unless I really stay focused.  I know there are some who are following the Intuitive Eating philosophy but I seem to like a little more structure.  And yet if I tell myself no, I want.  So in this way Intuitive Eating rocks my socks. 

All I can think is this, will tonight (my hot yoga class) start me on a path towards loving me?  I really feel like I have been this trash can lately and the effects are evident.  And it is not at all surprising that I am more sad and apathetic.  Making any decision seems to be about the toughest thing. 

I guess I was vague yesterday.  Why should I care what people think of me?  Why not lay it all out there?  Well I mentioned that I am trying to manipulate my thinking.  Why is it that couples sometimes just seem to find so much pleasure in eating???  What I have wondered is why can’t David and I be creative and resist the junk food and treats and  find something else productive and creative to do?  That feeling when I am resisting is not altogether a tough thing.  In fact my secret I reveal here is that it is some what of a turn on.  By resisting poor food choices (junk) I actually feel like I am one sexy creature (I do not feel this, so I guess we could call it a fantasy).  I know I will come to be that healthy me by resisting the junk.  Now I know it is not an Intuitive Eating thing, but it really helps to stay more focused.  So could RESISTING JUNK FOOD be my fetish?  I have tried to make it so.  This is what I mean by manipulating my thinking. David says maybe it is a form of benign masticism and I say it is my way of teaching myself to not want the unnecessary and benefiting in a very healthy way….  But I love his mind.   Normally what I would do is just eat and eat when stressed, but why not resist (and for me this seems sexual because in doing so I feel sexier) and feel the tension become bliss?

Why do I feel the need to do this?  I struggle with the internal feeling and thought that sex might cause me to have unhealthy sexual organs.  This is my insight.  I believe that my mind has been holding onto this thought and I eat to protect myself.  Messed up and I know.  I know intellectually and physiologically that sex is good for the body and excess food is toxic.   SO, why can’t I stand up or lay down and use that need to resist to get healthy with my sweetie (who also wants to lose a bit of weight) instead of eating ourselves into our graves.  And this is only slightly melodramatic really.  I think it is vital that I address my unhealthy thoughts towards sex.  I also want to lose weight.  The two go hand in hand.

This is where I am at.  I am not at all comfortable with being okay to eat when I am not hungry.  It is just so old.  I also want to address my issues with intimacy and they are so crazily linked to food.  I want to be my healthiest in mind, body and spirit and it is time to get real !!!

Thank you for reading.  I am normally quite conservative with this, but it just has been too much to hold in.  I just have to say though, with regards to the wonderful guy I found 4 years ago, I am so lucky to have someone who just wants me to be happy and is so in this for the long term.  I love him so much and in those tough times and then coming out of it, you really see how incredibly strong two is instead of a distant one and one.  Two do not even have to try to be distant as it can just happen.  I mean it does not have to be conscious and it sure can happen where people just forget to communicate.  I feel blessed that I can tell David anything and he never judges me.  I love him so much.

If I could tonight at yoga I would just sweat all this bullshit out of me…. hehe.  Well I will try.  But mostly I know that growing is slow.

I stumbled across this and thought about my beaUtiful buddies who have recently given birth.  Please share this link with all the really wonderful new moms out there that you know.

http://mightygirl.com/2008/05/29/a-brief-note-about-pregnancy/

This woman really says it best!

I have been inspired by a new lady here to try Bikram Yoga.  I did some research to see if there is any hot yoga classes in Saskatoon and it turns out that there is one in all of Saskatchewan.  I am THRILLED because it is HERE!!!  I do not know why this seems so appealing as I do not try anything that involves exercise and multiple bodies.  I just do not feel at ease with it, usually.  But this seems to really feel right and exciting and new.  My bones are going to love the heat….75 minutes of heated yoga.  I recall really feeling invigorated by the Sweat that I went to once so I am so psyched.  *SCREAM*

I am going to be one sweaty body and I will report back here my experience.  Monday.

I have nothing to report about what has been going on in this head of mine.  I am still remembering my reminders from Monday, but I have been a bit all over the place.  I am happy to say that I am not moody at all about updating my ticker.  It just is not about that.  I want it all.  I want to be further ahead in my life then I am.  But I am here.  I must enjoy what I have.  Live. Love. Laugh.   And oh yeh, sweat baby sweat!

Have a sexy, beautiful, hot, cool, exciting, relaxing weekend.  No I am not high.  I do not even feel manic.  It’s about time I tried something new!

These are Kama’s words…..

Well, this is the deal. Dad suffered a major stroke. His right carotid artery is 80 % closed. They can’t do surgery, too risky. He can’t swallow on his own, or speak or walk, he is pretty helpless.
I won’t be on BS today, didn’t get much sleep last nite.
I’m exhausted.  Can someone please post an update for me?
They are putting a feeding tube in dad tomorrow and we have started with hospice. I am so proud of mom, she is a very strong lady.
Ok, I love you all, I need to go rest. Hugs, Kama

We love you Kama.  All the best to you and your family in this very difficult time.  I for one and I know many, many, many will be be thinking about you and praying for you and your parents.  Stay strong and know that you have many buddies who will be here for you when you require a little buddy strength.  Sharing is what this place is about.

*always hugs*

Well I have not been consistent with the Intuitive Eating this week as there have been a few high emotions and chaos in our condo-stuff everywhere….

Well mostly it has been due to renovations and some intensity with me not saying what I want.  No I do not want the slightly disgusting granite counter top for the bathroom even though it is right there at Home Depot.  It did not fit and making it fit would be crazy and regretful.  But he wanted to be handy.  And I sure wanted our bathroom ready before mid November, but this is the way it has got to be.  So the custom made tub and sink are a go.  I should have expressed my opinion early, but of course I CAVED (low self esteem) and said ok to the better of the 3 bad choices.  Well it was awful so we wait and David got more of a work out then he had wanted returning the sink.  My bad.  But, all confusion and frustration can come to a beautiful conclusion IF the two minds work, see and feel together….so I found this week.

Weight loss stuff…..No I do not want to put junk food in me unless it is the kind I chose.  Small, delightful, wonderful on occasion and not every day treats.   Wonderful food from the earth most of the time…this is my plan.  I am not trying to over think food too much, yet the dilemma - I WANT CHANGE!

We have gotten pudgy and we both have agreed to live our lives together a little differently.  If this goes well, I shall discuss this more later, I think.  But I am not having the great expectations that I sometimes do have.  We are just going to see how things go.  Communication is sure the key!  Sometimes you need the intensity to get things out in the open.  This week I am thankful for honesty and the perfection of the principle to live in the moment and not in the past.  Have an issue, say things that create tension, BUT BE IN THE BLOODY GREAT MOMENT NOW……  I rocked!  Together, we are rocking!

This week I work on cleaning up my system a bit (mostly whole foods and juice of a lemon each AM and I am thinking green - improving my liver function and getting plenty of vitamin K)

So, I am creating a lifestyle for myself and I am fully aware that things are not going to be all hunky dory every week because things happen..  Now, I try and be a little more respectful of myself and live this life as it was meant to be lived.  Fully.  With beauty.  Respectfully.   Mindfully with Me in mind.  I have gotten into a bit of a multi year funk thinking that I somehow do not deserve to put myself first in my mind.  This nasty mentality has really lowered the meter reading on my confidence.  This is simply not a good way to live.  I want to know what I want and say what I want.  I am woman, here me roar.  Oh yeh, ENERGY!

Other goals too, but that is for me to not share with you here….hehe.  I am just not in that kind of a mood.  ;)  No kissing.  No telling.   A little conservative sometimes, Liberal too on occasion, but I am New Jack City excited everyday!!!  Everyday is a new day to make things memorable and exciting.  I think I like a little world where I can be conscious of what I need for my personal growth and yet still be in a society where people care and take care of each other.

I am really thankful for all my buddies here who have been so wonderful.  I think you all are terrific and I look forward to catching up this weekend.  So tea cheers to Buddyslim and You.  You are beaUtiful and you better not forget it!  Ha!  *fiesty mood*

*hugs*

And to Nikki, I am wearing my lipstick…. hehe

*dances to “It’s My Life” by No Doubt*

PLAN FOR THE WEEK: Lemon water every AM, plenty of water through out the day and be aware of the 10 principles of Intuitive Eating.   Make sure I take my vitamins everyday.

FIRST: Thank you to my buddies who were there for me at various times.  You are so fantastic !!!

Second: Intuitive Eating -  This is truly the only way for me!  That without saying, I have needed to just keep in mind points because I am either not eating enough or I eat too much later in the day and that DOES NOT work….lol  As we know.  So I am trying to reject the extreme diet mentality, but I am still trying to be aware, of course.

This is no excuse, but someone in my family has a very serious health condition and I did EE (emotionally eat) this week. I was not allowed to call this person because I was not suppose to know, but things are Out now and I can communicate, thank goodness.  Things are going to be tough, but I believe things will be ok.  I have to believe!

Anyways, I knew I was doing it (EE) and I just did it.  Well I was at least with the food when I was doing it.  Half way through what ever I was eating (snacking foods or left overs, I can not actually recall as it was days ago) I do remember that I made myself slow down and that was good.  I have figured it out, if I can actually BE WITH THE FOOD in those moments, it does not seem like the old EE at all.  So this is improvement.  And then this week, I did very well, so all in all a good week with the food.

I have been honoring my hunger for the most part and this is so empowering.   When I was out with my client I had my lunch and she had hers.  I was so satisfied with my sushi I did not feel like I needed another thing.  She told me she bought me one of those cookies from Subway and I felt like I could have a taste and so I took of a piece for the taste, but that was satisfying enough.  I was full.  I respected my fullness!!  Food is not the enemy.  Not even the choice I made to eat a few plus a few more chocolates yesterday was evil or sinful.  It was what it was.  Thank goodness.  I was not good this week and I was not bad.  I just enjoyed life, moved as much as I could and feel content.  Have I lost, I do not know.  But my head is on straight and I am ready to have another great week.

This week, because I have been doing pretty well with the top 6 of the 10 Principles of Intuitive Eating, this week I kind of pay a bit more attention the the last 4.  I have kept them in mind, but I do find it a little consuming, overwhelming and just unnecessary to do it all, so to speak.  I naturally did what I could and now, I can work on those things I struggled a little with and move on to being a little more attentively with the others.  All good here my buddies.

THIS WEEK I learned that I can sit on my butt and not axiously move to the kitchen because I do not like where my head is at.  It can happen.  I also learned and is not diet related, but I learned that this life is so precious and in an instant EVERYTHING can change, so it is good to make each moment count.  It is so important to make ammends and do now what you in the past put off.

10 Principles of Intuitive Eating

1.  Reject the diet mentality - pretty close though I think points are ingrained and helpful for eating enough and then not going over board. It is a tool.

2.  Honor your hunger- no starving, lol, like I have never done this anyways.  When hungry I did just eat something little to tide me over.

3.  Make peace with your food - a little EE, but I feel good with this, but will still be aware.

4.  Challenge the food police - no bad foods.  I started to see carbs as something to avoid just for awhile and then I realized this would only make me stupid, LITERALLY.  So I checked that reality and enjoyed moderately.

5.  Respect your fullness - did VERY well with this.  No discomfort this week.  Though I was pleasantly full after the mole sauce, chicken and beans at Labamba!  Wow… pumpkin seed mole sauce - YUM!

6.  Discover the satisfaction factor - a little of anything that I desired in the moment, savoring slowly, was simply the only way to live.  Pleasure and moderation.  Should have bought better quality chocolates yesterday and had a little less.  But all is good.  No regrets, but rather lessons to learn from.

7.  Honor your feelings without using food - work on to be more consistent

8.  Respect your body - continue……..

9.  Exercise - feel the difference  — keep it up!  I did a lot of walking this week and pilates.  Some pain prevented me from doing certain activities, but that is life.  I did what I could and I am happy about this.  I was not so happy in some of the moments when I felt like I could not do this or that.  But I GOT OVER IT and did not dwell for too long…hehe

10. Honor your health  - my motto that is old, but some how I always must carry it in my pocket like a pebble for those times when it does not seem to be important.

The most important thing for me to remember and this is an Intuitive Eating philosophy, “you will not get a nutrient deficiency or weight gain from one snack, one meal, or one day of eating.  It’s what you eat consistently over time that matters, progress not perfection is what counts.”

So I wrote a blog, saved it and did not post. Thank goodness. That is not how I feel really. That was then (silly moment of irritation) and this is now. My little ramble….

The truth never needs defending. I am so pleased to have mostly let go of that need to vent and that bogus idea that I can save the world. We have a certain amount of time on this planet and no one knows exactly how long and I will do my best to try and live it peacefully. That is it. What is more important than peace and love? Well self-growth in my eyes does rank up there for sure. Forgiveness, for sure.

I think true connections come from really understanding and sometimes best friends bloom from crazy uncertainty and frustration. I wonder about the first flower that bloomed ever when no human was around to see it. Nevertheless it did and though it likely only lasted a short time with the environmental abuse, it came back stronger and stronger. We humans can take notes from flowers. The flower thing is really from A New Earth which I am reading for the second go. AND I AM ACTUALLY MEDITATING this time. That is my commitment to relaxation and myself.

I am respecting myself lately and seeing the beauty that is internal and external. This IS NOT and will never be negative. We are here at this site because we have treated ourselves with disrespect - feeding ourselves to the point of growing and growing and growing….not the good kind. The time to show ourselves, YES OURSELVES the love is now. We can not look to others to build ourselves up. That is simply unfair. We must love ourselves and share in love, yes or no? I am not great at understanding love, but slowly the snail gets there. And as I read in my current text Anatomy of the Spirit, I learn how important it is to see and heal ourselves and not look outward for that which we want to happen and heal inward. And this was what I needed to read RIGHT WHEN I READ IT…….Think less, act more! (Wish I could take credit for that one, ha!)

I have been looking to David for support to limit my sugar, when it is not his hand that is putting the sugar in me. With him, others or just me, the decision is mine to treat myself well. I know what this means. It is not denial. It is the right amount of food at the right time. Numerous factors affect what we eat, but it always comes down to, “Is this what my body needs and wants?” Sometimes I think I do need that dark Dove chocolate…. but one piece, maybe 2, but never the whole damn box! Fixed myself, I buy the box with 4 chocolates. Not so economical, but I get all I need and want. It is a better choice for me. Plus I want chocolate much less then I use to, so that helps.

I love this site. Old buddies and new, ones I “see” frequently and ones I do not see so much, I think you all are great. We all have different paths and different amounts of time we can spend on the computer. I am thankful for this site and all the positive energy we share. But when there is something that is not happening as we would like it to happen, WHY can’t we do something within our positive abilities and ACT? Wait a minute, *ponders question* ….We can! I forget this sometimes.

I wish Everyone a great day.

ONE MORE thing….. I write about my cat because I love him dearly. Animals, not humans, animals are the only ones who behave 100% of the time with integrity and honesty. Plus, fur, love their loveliness.