Jennifer

All right, it feel’s completely normal to be back.  I have been gone for over 2 months.  That is a record for the chick who use to be on every day.  But I missed feeling like people just understood the journey and the struggles.  I would like to be more reliant on myself and not have that neediness, but there is something special about people who just feel similar to myself.  I did not feel like I could speak about my weightloss journey on another site.  So what good is that, if you can not be who you are and say what you want to say?!?

Well, I was not going to change my ticker as motivation, but I want to be real.  So, I changed it.  No biggie at all.  I know I am not comfortable so I will naturally and slowly find a more comfortable place for this body.

I am not over-talking/writing about what I want to do or what I am going to do.  I am just trying to make some realistic adjustments as I have stepped backwards and that is not a good place to be going.  No more. 

Feeding my emotions as I have learned is ok, as long as there is some portion control.  No guilt.  Just eat and savor.  But this is my affirmation.  I love myself and food is (not the answer), it’s fuel and it can be fun.  And activity is a MUST.  How could I forget that?

My hormones are really needing some consistancy in all areas and so this is what I will do.  I will do my body right!  And there is no need to write about it and converse really about it.  It just knows what it needs.  So I will obey!  My body knows best.

Today I say that I am sorry to My Body, because I have treated You poorly in the past few weeks.  And so, if You will forgive me and reward my efforts, I think we will be great…. mind, body and soul.

Note: It says my comments are turned off.  I can not recall where that setting is and I have looked.  Oh well.  Life goes on. 

When it seems like things are so freaking crappy, there is still BS to vent on.  I have had a couple poor days, but I just do not want to start the week negatively.  It’s occured to me, I am growing as a person and I feel good about what is going on in my head and heart.  But sometimes it seems that everyone around me has different ideas.  What will come next?  Will I be able to breathe and not get emotional over the fact that the people in my world are wanting things that are completely different than myself.  I want what I want and today I make every effort to block out the toxins that have plagued me for so long.  Well I guess it’s good to release them and find the peace.  No matter what.

Today I will feed myself as my body requires.   The frack I will let other peoples Ideas lead me into the kitchen of hell where I have practicly lived my life in trying to find comfort.  It does not even matter what people want.  The only thing that matters in this moment is me not letting the stress of yesterday ooze into MY MONDAY, today.  This is my life and I really need to start feeling powerful in my life.  I need to NOT close any doors.  Only I can stop myself.  Only I can move forward.   No one’s ideas or hopes will shatter me.    Why have I let this happen so often? That disempowering kind of thinking is so leaving my mind.   It may not happen like *snap* that, but this is the first time that I am mad, not weak, with how other people’s issues affect me.  Why would I do that?  Why would I try to be something that I am not ?

What do I want?  OK

What do I want for today?   I know where the power is….within me!  No kidding.  Why would that become so unclear in life?  So eat for me and my health and get onto the business of the day, because this is what the universe desires of me.  There is no telling where I might be in my life someday.  But I can only get there if I live well now.

Today’s no thinking menu:  (s0 I just do  not chose some cold cereal because I feel lazy)

B-Spinach shake, egg salad w/ bread and butter pickles on a cibatta bread

L-veggie chili soup and salad, couple olives

S-Franks chicken and sweet potato fries, mixed beans and carrots, raw celery

sn? whatever for hunger

Special attention to complex carbs today as I know, to not do so would be a way for me to only feel weak and become depressed.  I have no time for this.  Feeding the body so it will give me good results…

Beautiful, intense song for those who appreciate the greatness of the one and only Eminem.  Maynot want to listen to this if you are depressed.  I love the song, but when sad, Josh Grobin is such a better choice.  Dreamy……..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAw9axFwzvU

Peace to me, peace to you.

I feel like talking positive is the only way to be positive, so it comes across as this is how I am.  Well those who know me, know I am anything but.  But I still come here because it is my only place to vent about my thoughts and concerns with regards to this weighiness.  :P  And I am glad I have not abandoned this because it is for me.  Regardless of certain things, this is still for me.

So I come here first.  I will not go to the freezer once for any cookie dough this week.  I will focus on my task at hand even though I feel completely stupid not understanding these ridiculous articles for my assignments.  I will let myself feel what ever emotions today and the sugary “foods” and cookie dough are not my go to’s.  I know it is that time of the month so I have these facts to bring me some ease.   I am not going nuts!  Oh goodie!!!  And here I thought it might be a cool way to have a vacation.  Oh grief, keep or dispose of the sarcasm???  Tough one….

Why did I make cookie dough yesterday?  I did not even over indulge.  David and I shared a couple and it was all good.  Now I have the rest frozen.  Do I like to torture myself?  Well clearly I had a craving and did not feel like denying myself.  Well it matters not now.  They are there and I am not eating them.  But, it was so close, early this AM.  I was looking at my assignment and they were calling me.  I looked at the computer and thought of Buddyslim and myself, my goals.  I felt that intense urge to move towards the dough, but no.  I chose to write this pathetic little blog that turns out, saved me for a bit.

Off to face the music of how I am studying for this crumby little course and have no idea what will come next.  Whatever, boo hoo.  First things first, this assignment that plagues me.  Then we will go from there.

The goal today is 3 good meals.  Will work out before or after lunch.  Whatever.  I will just do it.  Assignment.  No laundry or other things that will cause me lose focus.

How sad is it that the only thing I am looking forward to this week is walking in the rain and watching So You Think You Can Dance?   lol

Ok, everything will be all right……….  Concert was great, I did not over drink and it is a new week to do great things, even little great things.

Note to self: Do not let anything big or small overwhelm.   Breathe, feel my moment and become aware of the simple and essential pulse.  In the moment of stress, NOTHING is as important as regaining that relaxation and peace.  Then back to it !

Second Note:  I will not throw out the cookie dough.  I will not make an enemy out of them.  THEY are not my problem!  So many gems I have collected in this weight loss journey from some smart buddies. 

Off to complete todays goals…..

Peace.

A Tip: No eggs in the house at this time, but I still made cookies.  A perfect substitution for an egg,  1 egg= 1 teaspoon of flaxseeds blended well with 1/4 cup of water.  These are small amounts and of course you can not get it all out of the blender, so just a little bit more of the flax and water, blend well and measure it out into the 1/4 c.  This just works wonderful.  I have done this with cookies and breakfast muffins.

I am against picking sides.  I like to use my own brain and see the good in everyone. 

It is so often easy to see the negative in others because it is so very present in ourselves usually.

No understanding, no ears to hear, no eyes to really see.

Afraid that a truth may be discovered or a secret may be pushed deeper?

Who doesn’t want someone to come to their defense?! Of course we do.  But where does anger get anyone, EVER?

(Thoughts & respect for those who have passed, defending our freedoms.)

I was disgusted to hear of the young girl who had a cartoon written about her by students who were contemplating ways to kill her/a student.  My fricking god!!!

 When will people ever get a clue???  - they say it begins with one person.  Me.  You.  

AHHHHHH…….ahhhhh………..then there’s what matters……..

Amongst the garbage and the anger of this world…….. beaUtiful Stillness and Peace.

How I let my anger go today?  I stopped being angry at not having done the cleaning and laundry over the weekend and realised, it is not the end of the world.  I got stood up for numerous outings in the last while and realised, that anger festers inside and does NOTHING but create more negativity.  Now, duh!  A nice *ValleyGirl DUH* …..lol

Let’s it all go!

Peace. 

More and more I am coming on here, not my computer *frowns*, because this is still the only place I can express my weighty thought and concerns.  I think I have been talking less about things then I use to with David as things are just great in my head.  I really like where I am at.  From the outside I am sure it looks like control, but I am enjoying life, food and not worrying about this or that.  I truly have been feeling good.  But the problem is David still thinks that I am going to get all worried and stressed if I have some sugar (because he knows my goals are important to me) and I am just more relaxed then I have ever been?  What is the problem?  I think he feels guilty or fear or both because I had a bit of his sugary treat yesterday.  I perhaps should have resisted, but it was not about my goal.  I feel I will not explain this well, but I just felt good with everything and wanted to prove to myself that food/sugar was not my enemy.  And I enjoyed my entire meal and a few bites of a treat, without rushing.   I always tend to eat fast at a restaurant and I enjoyed it like it was one wonderful hour of shear bliss, because it was.  I think I liked the act of chewing really slow and experiencing every unique texture and flavor.  And I did NOT fear sugar.   I was not craving, I just was living in the moment with peace.    So I ENJOYED.  I was able to enjoy….. And I think it was a show for David too, who seemed to enjoy me eating with such intent and pleasure.  Just that thing at the end with the treat.  NOW, the day after, I understand why he was the way he was.

I am still opting for foods that do not have sweeteners, but the more I have thought about this part of my goal, the more I have felt like it is not the big thing for me.  I started this because I ate a shit load of chocolate chips.  I still could not figure that one out and I do not care.  The only thing that matters is what I choose to do with each new moment with food now.  Food and I are going to work together to achieve some greatness, but I will not be afraid.  I have been in the past, fearful I guess because of where my head has been at.  Really when I have overloaded my body with junky foods (not a judgement, just fact), I have not been able to deal well with stress and life.  But there is a balance within and I know if I can just learn confidence (a mystery!?) then I will be set.  But as it is, I feel peace with the many things that have been sources of stress in the past.

The freedom from mindless night time eating has been wonderful for me.  And I like not worrying about, well what if I am hungry!?  Well, if I am hungry, I will eat something!!!  What a concept.  I did not become overweight in my life because I ate when I was hungry.  lol.  By respecting my hunger, my metabolism does not live in fear.  Rather if rewards me with a half pound here and a half pound there, LOST.  Ok, I will take this and be thankful.  It is about the little changes after all…..

My goals are now just more like lifestyle or healthy ways of being.  Still I need to pat myself of the back, I have gone 21 days without mindless eating.  What does this mean?  Well most nights I have only had herbal teas, decaf tea, water or Caflib.  Some nights I have had fruits or veggies.  And only one night when I ate light through out the day did I absolutely need to feed my true hunger….I enjoyed that rye toast and fruit like it was heaven on a plate.  It would have been disrespectful to not eat.  Not to mention it would have been negative for me who is trying to work on the metabolism, not put it into sleep mode again.   So this is the goodness that came from some intensity yesterday.  I will take all the heated moments and joys in life as it all sculpts me into this person I am meant to be.

So I am a little competitive with myself, but in a good way.  I want to see how many days I can go without eating after supper.  I am not counting if I am truly hungry.  In such a case I will eat fruit, veggies or yogurt.  But I want to stop the eating after supper.  It’s just not productive.  So how many days can I go???

This is for me.  Here I go…..

Wishing everyone a great week!

I feel like I’m letting everyone down in my life and I had a few moments where I let myself down too, but it stops when I allow it to.  My mind just persists sometimes….  But time to focus on some other necessities.  So today, right now, is the opportunity to be the warrior in my life.

Thank you to Melanie for this wonderful image!  I needed this as a little reminder.  No one else is going to live this life for me.  Time to stand by my decisions without the guilt.

Life.

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. “

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And this is so I don’t take things too too seriously.  Fun….

I am thankful for the results of my test as it was confirmed that food is not my problem. The nutritionist was pleased that I had such a varied diet. Sure I could go easier on the dairy, I should avoid large amounts of certain seafoods (which I do) and I should limit the amount of lentils, but mostly it was good to chat with a nutritionist who could provide a little more perspective and guide me towards some other areas that might be helpful. Just thought I would share that.   Happy to also share that I am FINALLY enjoying food again.

I think so highly of my wonderful buddies here. I just really adore you all and admire you, well, for your uniqueness and strengths. I must apologize to my newer buddies who I have not gotten to know so well. I needed to step back from this place just a little and you know, it worked for me to do so. I feel so much more patience with my body (not all the time, but a lot of the time). I will share one thing. I was in this interesting position the other day, strangely, in the kitchen light, and I could see my loosey goosey skin/fat just hanging and jiggling and you know, a smile came over my face. WHO cares! I decided to just see the humor in it… The humor in how I have fought for so long to try and change out of vanity. Ahhhh NOW this moment was peaceful. I accepted me in all that I was. Mind, body and spirit merged in bliss and that was priceless. There will be a day when I am a little less to be sure, but I wouldn’t say that I could be happier then than I was smiling at that moment with my imperfect perfection. Today I am thankful for my peacefulness within, my lovely sweetie who I hope has a good time in Vancouver and my lovely lovely cat who after he meowed and meowed decided to sleep at my feet. Sure I was awake, but it was priceless.I have been and will be continually influenced by numerous people here, my buddies whether I am here or gone. 

Well the pictures do not lie and let me tell you, I put the worst one up on my before and afters, because why not.  Is there anything more depressing then the first pictures taken since you realised you are right where you started here 3 years ago.   I changed my 250 pound picture from high school, because I am just not her anymore.  I refuse to see myself as any number.  I am not about to dwell more then I have - a couple hours now.  I am a bit exhausted with disgust actually.  But I am brushing myself off, throwing some cold water on my face, cranking the music REALLY loud, putting a real smile on my face and I am going to do this all over again. 

Four days with the ‘family’

Empty greed and shallow gifts

Alone, now with simple carbs and no desire for good quality food,

I ate a days worth of noodles and spicy Kung Pao sauce in one sitting.

This was my first binge in well over 3 months.

I know if I had just posted the blog that I worte instead of just keeping it as a draft,

I might not have felt so alone.

I just didn’t want to share.

Everything has been fake and I just did not want to be real here.  How crazy is that?

But the noodles were real. 

 So why not write about the other reality?

 Nope, just noodles.

Today is a joyous day, because the only thing real is NOODLES and that is only half bad.

From this day forward,

I am aiming for truthful and honest

as simple as

noodles in sauce.

Noodles do not pretend to be something they are not.

They just are.  No claims.  Some fame.

Entangled.  Nothing else.

Infamous and delightful, real noodles.

I can not believe since I have been home I have eaten chocolates, choptle kettle chips, noodles, cereal and okay, salmon, olives, bananas, yogurt and pickles.  Aiming for balance and portions - AND VEGGIES.  I bought them, but they just have not appealed.  Anywho, getting back on track………

Intuitive Eating all the way.  No points.  I am aiming to get back on track withOUT the shit load of control I am craving.  Gentle, loving, me.

Cheers to my holidays being over.

Cheers to green tea!  Off to enjoy a wonderful and perfect cup of green tea (decaf - it’s 10 at night).