Jennifer

….the number until I reach my mini goal.  One down.

Strength Contract will be completed by tomorrow, though I did not exercise everyday, no kidding, I did all right.  Posted on a previous blog.

Onward and hopefully downward with a renewed interest in pilates and yoga.  I am looking into taking a class, one or the other.  Will see about the cost and types.  But this will be something I do that is outside my comfort box.  Until I take a class I have a stack of DVDs to help create my body.

One cool thing, when I started here at BS I bought an on-sale satin camosole that I was sure would fit and it did not.  Well it sat in my drawer for a long time, then last week I tried it on for shits and giggles and wow, it is no longer tight around my rib cage.  IT FITS!  I am stoked!  :P  Yah for good surprises.

Most things that happen are really just not worth fretting over.  This week I work even a little more on not sweating the small stuff.

Who says you can’t send a booster note to yourself….lol  Well technically you can’t, but it is the little things we do for ourselves and the positive affirmations to ourselves.  Or even last week when I took note of what I wanted to say to myself and I said I wanted to avoid the negative words in my head.  All these things matter.  And I was not perfect at keeping the negative out.  But I have some new tricks up my sleeve.  Nothing will stop me from creating my best self in mind, body and spirit.  But my efforts come with a gentle touch and this is most soothing to me.

So, my countdown to my mini goal is on.  WW is good again.  It seems fresh and though I know it will bug me at some point, I am putting my big girl panties on (they still are fun though) and remembering to love myself, enjoy life and adhere to portions.  Of course the points were over this weekend and I enjoyed a little TOO much.  But even going over a little, ok a lot is still better then watching things skid completely off the path meal after meal.  This week more Balance and listening to my hunger.  This week I reward my body with healthy choices.  I am such a broken record!!!!

I want to give thanks for all that this body does for me and want to show it, good eats and respect.  This past week was such a scary week with the loss of Michael Jackson and it has had me thinking about my Grandmother whom I never met.  She died of heart problems when my Mom was 13 years old and sometimes lately I feel my heart is sad and over stressed.  So I am going to take note of my body signals and intuitively do what is best for me.

I use to do the unusual things, the fun things and did not care about anything that people thought.  Well I have wilted a bit and this week is about picking myself up and daring myself to be that person who just rocked her world.  So I dare myself to do the extraordinary and really think of this week as my last.  What would I do if it was my last?   Working on those fears, those fears that keep me all locked up and in pain.

Life is too short to sweat the small and it is all too short to not live… Repetition is good for memory…lol

I posed a question to myself about how I could be accountable to drop a couple and feel better.  Well I just enjoyed my food, tried to eat moderately, worked out when I could and stopped when I felt I needed, enjoyed a mini home spa and followed some good wisdom both from a friend and from my inner self.

Wishing everyone a great week.

Tappy tap tap tap!    Beating to my own drum……

Earl grey tea cheers to you !

I am finding that eating a bit later helps me to feel much better over the course of the night.  So instead of eating at 5-5:30, 6:30 is a nice time to start or finish my last meal. Enjoyed some good eats at our fave restaraunt LaBamba last night, then home to watch Idol….. *sigh*  I am not at all shocked Kris won.  He had that home grown feel and was about as sweet and wonderful as apple pie. He really did surprise me the last couple shows-very impressive.   The polished nails and intensity could not have appealed to the masses no matter how incredibly talented Adam was and is.  I did not like every single performance of his, but I really admire his sense of self and his courage to be that which is different in pretty mainstream America.   Adam through out the season, hands down, made everyone better!  Success to them both for sure…….

A friend and I were talking and she wants to set up some health goals for herself, but she does not want to become socially different.  I know this is important.  I just have always felt like I needed to chose my health first.  But there should be a way to find some good balance by keeping the goals moderate.  I found it interesting that her husband is more of an extremist then her in that he wants to fast and she does not.  He wants her to do it with him and she is resistant.  Fasting is a personal thing and that fact that she is resisting leaves me to think that she is listening to her spidey senses.  So I definitely support them both.  She laughed her infectuous laugh when I told said that he should find his inner strength and just do what he needs to do.  Granted she is a naughty lady saying she would tease him with food.  Now, that is just nasty…..hehe.

So, I feel myself testing myself.  If I eat this, will I judge myself?  Kind of a personal test.  Had to see the doctor yesterday and so I found myself feeling her words more then what she was actually saying.  She is a moderate of course.  So, I guess I do see that food does not have the great effect on the body as I have hoped.  I mean I have been awesome diet wise and I am not quite balanced in my physical health.  (Still I have found better health when I changed really awful eating habits in the past.)   I mean I really have wanted to believe that I could make things better for myself and I know to some degree I can.  But, I am saying right now, that good food does not equal good health.  There are so many factors and I needed to write this and surrender to life, a little.

The strict me says that eating a brownie for breakfast was stupid and unhealthy for me, but continuing to live with great restrictions is maybe more harmful.  There are many people out there that are saying right now, YIKES, ok she is no health nut?  Well I have been and it does very little for my complete health.  So from this point on I am addressing the food police in my head.  The brownie is not a staple thank god (Twas too yummy!!!), but it is the beginning of this journey where I address those voices.  HOW COULD I NOT JUDGE FOOD WHEN I HAVE STUDIED ABOUT THE EFFECTS OF THIS AND THAT AND HOW THIS AND THAT HELP THIS……  I am seeing the flaws of The Hard Core Beliefs Of Any Topic….. nutrition, politics, religion….    There are no certainties with anything.  What matters is the peace with in.  And usually the body is fed well with whole foods, fruits and vegetables, good quality protein and healthy fats.  But sometimes the spirit begins it’s lifelong nourishment with the consumption of chocolately freedom.  I know my hormones are now affected with sugar, but a little sweetness now and then really ought to be something good if it does not spiral.  So, I had an enjoyable treat and that is that.  No judgment please!!!  I already have one in my head.  Right now I have her harnessed in rope, chains and leather~giving her a taste of HER OWN medicine.  Ha!!!    (lol… I have been watching United States of Tara.  :)  I am somewhat serious and also being somewhat funny…..

Not about to write about this complete journey here, but this is where I am at.  This is such a huge change for me and I find meaning is lost when I write in the stadium of friends and foe.  What matters is that I find my meaning and I am confident with that.  I felt like I was being dishonest if I did not say where I was at in my head.  I think it does not matter so much that I write, but I just needed to be real.

And I am also proud of my non-mindless eating nights!  This will be the main reason that I lose a few more……….  It’s easy now!

Question:  Can I have a treat and not feel that I have failed, causing me to eat a greater number of these type foods (one is a delightful treat, 2, ok, more is gluttony and unhealthy)  -  Yes/No

Did I have a day where I dealt with my emotions well and did not have that all or nothing mentality:  Yes/No  ………will answer later.

Wishing Everyone a great day!

The freedom from the mindless night time eating…..

For the kind of dieter that I am, I MUST relax equally as much as I think about all this craziness.  Key: Stay commited to a couple important things, but relax too.  So far, things are great and I see this becoming a nice little life syle.  I REALLY have not been missing the eating at night at all.  In fact, I like the clean teeth feeling and the ever so empty feeling (very good for my past poor digestion).  I will be sitting and watching a program on TV, maybe even a hockey game (Go Washington, GO!) and I love the freedom from the “one snack, ok, maybe two snacks is okay.  Well the heck, why not one more.”  None of this and it’s wonderful! 

So this and exercise have been helping me to feel strong and healthier.  So, why am I a little nervous?  Well it is the weekend and WHO DOESN’T eat on the weekend nights?  Tonight I am going to a Bath Goddess party and that should be free of snacks, but then there is Saturday night.  No clue what is up, but I want this for me!  Not because of anything other then I want to prove to myself that I can commit to something and be good with it.  A little weight loss would be heavenly too.  SO, I need a little motivation…..hehe

My dear Bif Naked is CANCER FREE (yes she kicked it in the ass big time) and she has a CD coming out this coming week. 

SO my gift to myself for not eating after supper on this first weekend is that I get to buy her new CD on THE DAY it is released.  Other wise I have to wait a week.  Well, this is suddenly easy.  I want the CD!  Also, this summer she’s performing a concert here in Saskatoon, so I desperately need pants or something to go with any number of my tops.  So, my reward for going 30 days with no night time eating after supper (remembering that feeding true hunger is healthy and essential…just a little the curb the real hunger - this is ok) is of course new pants.  Yah!  What if I eat within the 30?  Well I need pants…..and I am pretty sure no one wants to see me naked.  Ok, will cross this bridge when it comes.  It’s mostly all words.  I am going to do my best and the pants will be mine.  But will I have the bragging rights to say I did it?  I WANT THIS !!!

Yah, yah the the motivation should be internal, but I want to make this fun.  No reprimands or feeling bad at any time.  But I do need to stay commited and this requires a little thought.  The fact that my attitude is so great these days is another little reward. 

I feel physically strong and motivated.  And this head of mine is pleasantly on the right way, so that is an added bonus.  

*hugs*

So I am a little competitive with myself, but in a good way.  I want to see how many days I can go without eating after supper.  I am not counting if I am truly hungry.  In such a case I will eat fruit, veggies or yogurt.  But I want to stop the eating after supper.  It’s just not productive.  So how many days can I go???

This is for me.  Here I go…..

Wishing everyone a great week!

Buddyslim Politics.  Does it seem crazy OR is it a glitch that some blogs remain at the top of the list while others, new buddies especially who are wishing for sincere support, get placed at the bottom of the list?  All because in the options setting you can change the time so that one’s blog stays high?  Why?   I think it only fair that when a blog is posted that it goes to the top of the list.  This should not be a place that represents popularity, but rather should be a place that encourages weight loss support for those who need it.  If this is a concern of yours, please do NOT comment on this blog about this.  It is not affective.  Please write Dr. Marc an email with your concerns if you have any.  

My blog usually goes to about the 10th or so position and I did not know why until I read a buddies blog stating how this happens.  I adjusted the numbers for this blog so people would see it and read it.  But my settings are back to normal.  If one could answer a question for me, :) what is the purpose of this setting option?  I did care a lot about the answer, but now, not so so much I guess.    

FEBRUARY !!!  Ohhh-yeh!

So I have been thinking that Change is indeed a fine and wonderful little word.  And when actions support it, well that is just wonderful.  But what do I want for myself?  I have been thinking about how I feel about food.  Normally the only time I want food it is when I am emotional (not really much of this AT ALL *smiles* lately) and obviously when I am hungry.  I have not been craving anything.  I just eat when I am hungry and aim for whole and balanced food.  I like that a lot.  I start to get that feeling of how smaller, non-obsessed people (with food anyways) must feel.  It is so peaceful to imagine that. 

Earlier this week I felt that overwhelming sense of fear with foods and that is something I need to address at least in words because that is not a way I want to live.  But when you feel awful when you eat certain things, or like a buddy suggest, certain combinations, well it kind of makes you wonder about food choices.  I have found peace in the fact that this will be over.  *fingers crossed*  I do have an itsy-bitsy fear that the allergist will say, you are not allergic to anything.  I mean I do not want to have an allergy or sensitivity, but I want an answer to the awful feelings.  So, fear.  Well after a good week I did have a day yesterday where I just fed myself well/a lot and I felt so good.  Asian Curry Chicken, Chicken Salad Rolls (no vermicelli, only veggies and chicken) and Singapore Noodles w/ loads of veggies.  I ate a lot compared to what I have been eating and felt awesome in all ways!!!

 Then I thought to myself, that was such an awesome treat.  No I do not want this every week, but damn.  I do love food!  Eating like this, on whole food/almost no sugar seemed to make me really appreciate it that much more.  I do not even want any more today.  It was that, a damn fine meal.  But now I want the simpler foods.  One thing is for sure, changes are seen in this body and I do not need the scale to reaffirm this. 

When I was 152 after being at buddyslim for a few months and SO CLOSE to my set goal weight at the time, I was so disgusted that my body was not what I had hoped.  But letting the number go and just realising that I have a body to create AND THE NUMBER DOES NOT MATTER and that the process in getting there is kind of fun.  Sculpting a firm and True body is much more important to me then a saggy, baggy number-”perfect” body. 

So, these are the things that I am gently holding in my hand and in my thoughts as I begin this month.  Should I say that knowing that I usually mess things up?  I feel like I can tempt it.  I finally know what I want and it IS attainable.  I think in the past I have had doubts.  Like what if my partner and I do not eat the same things and what if we do not eat out enough to satisfy our desires?  So often, WE know, eating out is just unsatisfying, disappointing….  Well,  I have told him, when I want something, I will have it.  He can have whatever he wants.  Tis the Intuitive way!  :)  But the days of me eating because it is there, well that is reserved for those times when I am a little emotional IF I CHOSE and I will have those times I am nearly positive.  But there is no need to make a bigger deal out of it then it is.  It is one moment and time and it stops when the mind allows it to stop.  Why is this sooooo easy now?  This week when I fed my body the nutrients it needed with out all the added chemicals and sugars to mess with my brain (emotions) and body (health) I felt the peace.  Like no cake or cookie could entice me into feeling any other way.  Health and sanity (and I can feel crazy at times) was the big prize!  Now that was achieving peace in mind, body and spirit.   Before I achieved this state by means of control and now, that toxic way of thinking has been shead.  Back into the soil, it is sure to come forth again.  But in smaller amounts?  I think so.  The fear has gone away in this aspect of my life anyways. 

Nearly all whole and nearly no sugar.  Intuitive Eating is my guide, which means I am the one living this life, uninfluenced by the bloody and perverse advertisements and ideals we too often bow to. 

My body knows best.

The Plan:  All weeks, no less then 5 days and preferably 6 days of activity

First & Third week- Structured - Strength MWF, cardio/walking M-F and whatever

Second & Fouth week-Unstructured - whatever I feel I want to do and I feel my body needs

Have a wonderful day, week and month!  I am not going to be on quite as much, as this is just what my everything in me tells me I need to do.  I think I might be finally on a roll, but I need to not procrastinate. 

So I found a fantastic new show (new to me) and I love that it is only 20 some minutes to watch one episode and yet it is nearly 20 minutes of smiling and laughing and this feels so wonderful.   Increased SEROTONIN !!!

The Big Bang Theory is so fantastic!!!  I laughed my behind off. 

It is early to talk about my experience with St. John’s Wort, but I like it.  I do not take it early in the day because I would feel tired all day.  But I take it minimally and I feel comfortable starting out small.  I sleep so well and wake up refreshed.  I am not constipated at all THANK GOODNESS.  What I have found is that I have had a decreased desire to emotionally eat or eat out of boredom.  I feel more content to just be still.  I was feeling a little OCD before, but I feel good.  It is too bad that it interferes with the birth control pill because it could potentially be helpful for people who experience mild to moderate depression.  It is so awesome to have not cried this weekend and truly, that says something.  It was a good weekend and many things have increase my serotonin.

After my fasting blood test yesterday I was so hungry and I ate and ate yesterday.  Seriously I rarely go 14 hours with out eating.  I kind of felt like I might faint, but did not.  YAH.  I am not judging what I ate or how much, but I did eat a lot and I know this because I felt FULL.  Not sure how many  calories or points and I am good with this.   So I am maintaining and my spirits are good.  Though this week I would like to see some progress (any) because I finally feel a little better.  Energy is not optimum, but still it is time.

Love the new tub and more and more baths with candles……..

Whole grains (brown rice, quinoa, etc.), fish, fruits and vegetables, water, good healthy fats (salmon oil, hemp seeds, flax, nuts and seeds) vitamins, treats in moderation and light-moderate exercise (6/7 days).   David and I have decided no eating out until the end of the week.  No sugary desserts and instead we are chosing fruit.  I know this is not really a principle that Intuitive Eating believes in, but my sweetie suggested it (not me who usually says such things), so I think he has been feeling a bit like he wants to see changes for himself.  It will be good for both of us.   I also will be continuing to respect my full feeling……

Have a wonderful week Buddies!  Chamomile tea cheers.  *clink*

Thank goodness I did not set myself up for a perfect idea of what I should eat, because we know it never works out.

I would have been wise to pack a snack.  I mean I think it is always good to have snacks when you go out but I have not been doing this for months.  Hmmmm I have gained and been eating out more.  Perhaps it is time to pack the granny bag with some healthy snacks (granola bars, fruit, small container of pumpkins seeds, WHATEVER!!! Even soy nuts that I have in the cupboard would be better then nothing.)

So this was the deal today.  I had yogurt and pineapple for breakfast and then off to work.  It was rush rush and I figured this will be a short shift.  Well I met my cleint and spent double the time with her.   Grrr….  So, as we were out and about and I was helping her with her business I realized it was late and I was hungry and because I wanted to not spend any money all stupid-like, I left my money at home.  (It is crazy but with all the bad finance news I really do not want to spend ridiculously - yoga classes and eating out too!)  So I was famished!  I got home after six hours and I ate a huge amount mid afternoon.  I mean it was just more then I would normally eat at one meal.  I was not even stuffed.  Anyways, of course at supper, not hungry!  OF course.  So then after “supper”, snacks.  Anyways, what ever.  I am not at all discouraged.  I just needed to remind myself tomorrow I have to buy some kind of a cheap bag/tote so I can carry things like snacks.  That whole devouring of the kitchen, not such a good thing!   I am exaggerating…..Still I know, if I want to lose weight I need small meals/snacks more often and a little protein thrown in.

Anyways, I am in a great mood despite the stress of the day.  I am thinking crisp fresh air and hours and hours of walking helped to put me in this mood.  Yah!

I wish everyone a greak weekend.  *hugs*

Thank you for your comments and emails.  I had no idea that others went through the same or similar things and it felt good to breath and know that it was the right thing to share.  I think this place is so cool, but gush gush over Buddyslim we who have been here for SO LONG, know this.

Well hot yoga last night was a killer, but mostly it was hard because I have become so out of shape over the last few months.  Not being able to be active did really take a tole, but what I see is that my flexibility needs some work.  I worked muscles I did not even know I had!  It was not that hot and so this was some what disappointing.  I also felt a little hard on myself at times, because I could not do all the poses, but I was pretty impressed with my efforts.  When I started to get frustrated the instructor seemed to just see and he reminded us to do our best and just stay with what ever we were doing.  So this was a great start.  I am not sure I want to travel this far in the winter to get to the class and it is a bit pricey for me, but I am thinking about looking around to find classes downtown that I could possibly do at lunch time or earlier in the evening.  They would not be hot yoga classes though.  This place offers one good time for me a week and that is great.  I feel like once a week might just be ideal.  An 8:30 start had us finish after 10:00 and then I was wiped.  My head was alert, but my body just screamed that is had one heck of a work out.  I can not express this enough, I felt my body ALL NIGHT.  It was nice to wake up tight and not puffy.  All I had when I got home was an Asian pear and it tasted so amazing!!!  Like it’s perfection just seemed to be the best gift in the whole world…..hehe  A nice lemon ginger chamomile tea to accompany it.  They say I am going to feel the pain tomorrow.  HA… good grief!!!

I would love to say it was all spiritual  but mostly it was hard.  This was the most athletic I have been in months!  I was laying in bed thinking, when did I ever feel like this?  Whitewater rafting (9-5, paddling, swimming and walking), my walk when I touched all 6 major bridges on both sides in Saskatoon, first time I did Hard Body Yoga DVD and the first time I did the Get Ripped DVD.  This was something I will definitely do again as it is a real challenge for my body.  Plus my knee did not hurt once.  Felt some presence of the old injury but I just corrected myself, backed off and it was all good.  Heat really helped.  Plus we really were encouraged to take it as far as we could and not look at our neighbors.. yeh right! *rolls eyes*

I know it will be even better next time and I will feel the fun.   No spiritual awakening, but I found my body, this temple.  No freaking way am I feeding it junk.  When your in those poses you are only thinking, I will never eat junk again!!!!!! Well you are also feeling the moment and the joy of being in that pose.  But junk?   Ok, ok of course I am more of a realist.  I just am going to eat with thought, intention and respect.  This way there is no regret.

I really have to get to it here, but I wanted to blog my experience.

My goal for the rest of the week….. Continue with the activity (nothing more then cardio today) and pretty much no eating after supper unless truly hungry.  Junk is not even an option, unless it is Smarties and popcorn, yah know once in awhile….hehe (Thanks Jo).

Have a great day Everyone.  *wink*

Lunch: large salad (picture in my profile pics) and for dessert, grilled salmon.  Yum!

Just had a thought:  Yesterday, positive or negative, matters not now. Now is now.  What am I doing with it?

I have been inspired by a new lady here to try Bikram Yoga.  I did some research to see if there is any hot yoga classes in Saskatoon and it turns out that there is one in all of Saskatchewan.  I am THRILLED because it is HERE!!!  I do not know why this seems so appealing as I do not try anything that involves exercise and multiple bodies.  I just do not feel at ease with it, usually.  But this seems to really feel right and exciting and new.  My bones are going to love the heat….75 minutes of heated yoga.  I recall really feeling invigorated by the Sweat that I went to once so I am so psyched.  *SCREAM*

I am going to be one sweaty body and I will report back here my experience.  Monday.

I have nothing to report about what has been going on in this head of mine.  I am still remembering my reminders from Monday, but I have been a bit all over the place.  I am happy to say that I am not moody at all about updating my ticker.  It just is not about that.  I want it all.  I want to be further ahead in my life then I am.  But I am here.  I must enjoy what I have.  Live. Love. Laugh.   And oh yeh, sweat baby sweat!

Have a sexy, beautiful, hot, cool, exciting, relaxing weekend.  No I am not high.  I do not even feel manic.  It’s about time I tried something new!

Buddyslim seems to be more of a part of my life when the weather is cool.  We have had some good times and some good adventures this summer and I am so thankful for this.  I feel like I have gotten a little boring of the past couple years.  But hey I am ready for more and more adventure! 

So, I am struggling a little with some things I know to be good and true, at least for me anyways and I just want to get it out.  I am not losing and I am almost okay with this because I have been so much happier.  NOW, I am on a weight loss team and I want to lose, get to my most realistic goal.  The exercise is consistent and the portions are mostly good.  Snacks and treats are issues.  I am not losing!  I want to stick with learning that feeling of what is enough to lose, but I feel like I may need the numbers/points to tell me when I am done.  I must realize I HAVE REALLY improved here.  I see that.   My problem is that I can start to become nutty about the numbers…lol   I want to be relaxed and forgiving with food and not see anything as a bad thing.  So where I use to be at war with food (THANK YOU TATIANA) I no longer am this.  But I do have a bit of fear of having that oldish view coming back.  It is not a good feeling to be at odds with anything or anyone, Ha!  It is so much better to Re-fricking-lax! *wink*  So, this is my only dilemma and trust me I am thankful for this as well.  I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest before I did the old Jenn thing and went hell bent on the need to figure something out right away because something is not working like RIGHT NOW.   Patience and awareness with a little dash of persistence.

Points does not have to come with guilt or frustration.  It is a tool.

Being at ease with food is possible while still having a goal to eat more nutritious whole foods and less snacks and treats.

What to do???…………. (Comes back after some time has passed….)

I could just continue to enjoy each moment in a moderate way keeping in mind to respect myself, my digestive system and my body.  No matter what I do I can not get points out of my head so I will not resist.  They are there and I am wanting some progress so why can’t my mind and my body work together?  That would be a real treat!

So, I was talking with a friend about how easy it is to KNOW something and give advice, but not always so easy to implement it.  Well, I am going to try to remain in the moment with my food/other things and enjoy.  Points are a guide and nothing will be recorded for me to judge.  Gentle is me………lol  Well things have been truly great and I just do not want to slip into the old judgmental thoughts.  So, I think I can realize that a thought is just a thought and it does not have to go beyond that.  I can witness it, be okay with it and let it go.  It is not me.  *feeling all warm and fuzzy*

My buddies must just roll their eyes because I go through the same thing in cycles.  But I really do feel like I am liking myself more and more.  This must mean something………little steps…….