Jennifer

So it was a little loss for having just started - 2 pounds.  I know I could have seen a greater loss, but I did not manipulate myself or the scale.  So I am tooting my own horn with this.  It is difficult to resist that urge but I was telling myself just yesterday, “you better not lose fast because you did that before and look what happened!  Slowly it all came back and more!”  So, two pounds down.  I was thinking about celebrity sweetie, Shay from the Biggest Loser and in away, it is almost a blessing I think for her to hopefully slow down with the weight loss and really develop some healthy, slow, livable weightloss lifestyle strategies and goals.  Even for someone very large, 17 pounds lost in a week is INSANE.  The obsessed nut in me is so jealous, but the wise woman with experience knows the only way to go is slow and steady.  I can not count the number of times I have needed to resist the urge to journal my food or count points this week.  It was good once a long time ago for learning purposes, but it slowly became a way to measure my perfectionism and that just is not healthy for me.  So, noted, moving forward.

Now as for Dr. Oz’s Ultimate Challenge.  I have not been ideal.  I have been thoughtful of it, but not a hard ass.  I guess I am moderate and I am proud of that too.  Everything I did this week like thinking about whether I was hungry, attempting to chose whole foods more often, trying to limit my dessert like foods, has worked.  Still too many sweets, but something is different.  I have a smaller amount of something and that seems good to me.  I LOVE sharing!   As for exercise, it just has not been happening with me since having a really bad cold or flu.  I had all the symptoms of both including a fever for a while, but no respiratory issues, so I just stayed at home with NO activitiy unless you count the five minutes I tried to do on the elliptical.  Started coughing.  Two weeks of this nastiness.  So, I am thinking the weight will continue to drop slowly as I continue with my moderate mentality, add the activity as his plan suggests and adding also the things I enjoy like pilates and hard body yoga.  The cardio will have to come later as I still feel not quite 100% in my lungs.  Still I am starting with my pilates TODAY!

Today I am thankful for good friends and revisiting old gifts from friends that cheer you up again and again.  I am also thankful for being ill because it caused me to step back from my life and see the mess.  By being sick I was able to see what is important and what is not.  So, life gives us what we need, so very often.  I just needed to be still enough to see it and nothing beats illness to stop you in time.   Well it felt like it anyways… 

Tea cheers!

P.S.:  If I get to a weight of 155ish and I am bitching about not being smaller, I would appreciate it if some one bitch slapped me because I will NEVER be ungrateful for that little body again!  Somewhere around there is just right for me.  Boy, to think, after only a few months at buddyslim I was around 152.  Now, 20 some pounds to lose again inorder to feel comfortable and healthy.  Live and learn….. 

So I just have no motivation.  I know I am responsible for me and should not depend on others for help.  I must not expect others to do anything in their life inorder to help me.  lol   That sounds pretty pathetic even as I think about it.  But those who know me, always know that I do want the best for the people in my life.  This is just how I am.  But why do I expect so little from myself?  OR is it that I expect too much ???  Ahha moment!

I thought about Weight Watchers and then cringed a bit.  It really is not for me.  It just inspires my othorexic/perfectionist tendancies and I do not want to do that.  What I know is I want to inspire myself and be responsible for helping myself to feel good. 

SO, I am doing the Dr. Oz Ultimate Health challenge!   Minus his hard-on for soy, I am doing this !!! 

This is for me.

My Numbers: Blood Pressure (Normal: 115/75)   -   100/55,    Waist Size (Should be less than 32.5)  - 33,    LDL Cholesterol (Should be less than100)  - ?? Physical is later this year,    BMI (Should be less than 25) - 27.8,  Weight this AM- 183

 http://www.doctoroz.com/challenge/dr-ozs-ultimate-health-challenge

There are no goals in my mind for these numbers.  I just want to see what I can do for myself and I want to develop some better health habits over this winter.  It is funny, funny-curious (not funny haha) how the bad habits just creep in more and more over the colder months.  So, here goes!   Healthy food choices and regular exercise!  No kidding. I am just the kind of person who works best when she is lightly challenging herself.   So, knowing it and doing it! What can I do?  What can I do in 4 weeks?  What can I do this winter?

All right, it feel’s completely normal to be back.  I have been gone for over 2 months.  That is a record for the chick who use to be on every day.  But I missed feeling like people just understood the journey and the struggles.  I would like to be more reliant on myself and not have that neediness, but there is something special about people who just feel similar to myself.  I did not feel like I could speak about my weightloss journey on another site.  So what good is that, if you can not be who you are and say what you want to say?!?

Well, I was not going to change my ticker as motivation, but I want to be real.  So, I changed it.  No biggie at all.  I know I am not comfortable so I will naturally and slowly find a more comfortable place for this body.

I am not over-talking/writing about what I want to do or what I am going to do.  I am just trying to make some realistic adjustments as I have stepped backwards and that is not a good place to be going.  No more. 

Feeding my emotions as I have learned is ok, as long as there is some portion control.  No guilt.  Just eat and savor.  But this is my affirmation.  I love myself and food is (not the answer), it’s fuel and it can be fun.  And activity is a MUST.  How could I forget that?

My hormones are really needing some consistancy in all areas and so this is what I will do.  I will do my body right!  And there is no need to write about it and converse really about it.  It just knows what it needs.  So I will obey!  My body knows best.

Today I say that I am sorry to My Body, because I have treated You poorly in the past few weeks.  And so, if You will forgive me and reward my efforts, I think we will be great…. mind, body and soul.

Note: It says my comments are turned off.  I can not recall where that setting is and I have looked.  Oh well.  Life goes on. 

SO, people promoting organic foods have NEVER claimed that the nutritional value of the food is any better then non organic.  I mean I have not heard or read this.

Fruit and vegetables, regardless of how we try to interfer with their greatness still have similar or the same vitamins and minerals.  Ok…..

Food that must travel a long distance will always have their enzymes inhibited so that they remain fresher and this is not ideal.   Our bodies are in need of these enzymes for good digestion and good health.   But again, one does what they can.  Eating as much raw foods as possible, and maybe local is an option, is ideal.  But one thing, it can become a little overwhelming to worry about food all the time.  Trust me, I know!   Much better to relax and impliment newness slowly.  And also with the knowledge that there are no certainties in life.  I think for me, less stress is just a better way to live.  Living perfectly with the hopes that the rewards will be ideal only creates internal stress.  SO Relax……..hehe.  No kidding!  Yah….. love those breakthroughs.

So what a useless article in my opionion put out by the British and found in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.  I am sure it’s not.   I can not wait to read the actual artical to see who funded the study.  Laughable!  Well I am pre-judging it only to be confrontational.  lol  But it’s good to think!! and not just believe.  I have read studies that prove their point but are not at all logical.  I look forward to actually reading it.  I refuse to pay for it though.  :P  (ok… it was funded by the UK Food Standards Agency.)

The best food is food that is grown with the least chemicals (no chemicals would be ideal, ya know it that ideal world we all dream of…lol)  and the food that also has the least chemicals added to it.  No chemicals is even better!!!  Chemicals may not have a short term effect on the body as most healthy bodies can deal pretty well at clearing these substances from the body.  Still it is best to avoid chemicals as we are around them where ever we go.  Why not avoid if possible?  The less stress (chemical, excess physical and emotional) we put on our bodies the better off our health will be.

I think we are doing very well if we are eating as much whole foods as we can and enjoying them in all their loveliness.  Throughly washed non organic or washed organic produce is better then any food that is altered.  Any attempt to eat whole instead of processed foods is a great way to feel lighter, happier and healthier.

Convenience food or whole food preparation?  I respect this dilemma, but health has to be somewhere on our top 5 things to do, no? And then there is always balance with everything….

I tried my first persimmon today!!! Yum.  Thank you to some U.S. farmer or likely some large production company.  LOVED the fleshy texture and it’t slight sweetness…YUM.  It went so well with my B.C. blueberries.  This is our world.

Ahhhhhh, someday I will have a little garden of yummies…..

So, it’s been 18 days since officially weighing in and I am down ONE POUND.  YAH!!!  Though I thought it might have been more, I will take it!  169 just puts a smile on my face.  Nothing has been easy, accept I am not judging myself when I eat anything so this makes living pleasant.  I am eating healthy the majority of the time opting for real and whole food most often.  The old habits of extreme “good” foods followed by multiple treats and sweets are no more.  This new way of listeing to what my body wants and only eating when hungry (SLOWLY…still must be aware of this) has me feeling healthy in mind, body and my little spirit.   I still have stressors of course, but myabe I am enjoying the moments a little more.  I am seeing and feeling the present certainly more.  This is something I strived for but somehow did not achieve so well.  If anyone asks about my future, I can only wonder if they know theirs and are trying to avoid their thoughts of the unknown.  Or maybe they are just curious as I am so darn slow…lol   The future now seems to be the scaries thing of all.  I am conquering other fears I think, but the future still will get me sweating if I do not FOCUS….hehe   If I don’t see my Now, I will never get what I want later.

I joke with the scale when ever I want which is more then I have and savor dark chocolate.  Ha!  My mini goal is 9 pounds away.  I am so competitive with my self it’s not even funny.  But the difference now is that there is no judgement or any other kind of self abuse - NO nasty words except when I want a laughable spanking.  Should work on never saying “my thighs are fat” (they are compared to the rest of myself and this is just fact) and there are certain funnies that should never leave the playground.  And really it is good to be playful with myself I am finding.  Haha…. Still it will be one of my goals in life to always share THAT WE MUST LOVE OURSELVES, first and usually.  Always is just a tough and unrealistic goal.  I believe staying positive will assist the body on any of it’s many endevours though.

My mini goal may be a healthy weight for me, I am not sure.  For the longest time I was my only hindrance.  But I FINALLY have me as my biggest supporter. I thought at times I had me, but I didn’t.  And when I did not have me, I needed this site.  I am so very thankful for the most wonderful hearts out there who just inspire and try…try different things even, like listening to their own precious bodies.  Eventually what works becomes evident and it’s different for all.  And when it’s no longer a battle, life seems to feel like a new beginning.  I am really feeling this.  Such a girl I am, all teary….  Where I have been in my mind and where I am now in my mind are centuries apart and for this growth I am thankful to all my buddies and teachers for without you sharing your wisdom over the years, I would still be stuck I am sure.  I am unstuck and I am free of that old and tiresome battle.  I say this now as I have never achieved that balance within myself.  I desired it and so I have spoke of it’s loveliness often, but did not know.  I feel like I can deal with anything.  Now isn’t this The Life, as it is truly going to give it to me now!  Hehe… little early AM sarcasm.

Note on physical accomplishments- I can do a number of lunges when my body tells me to and this is assisting with the definition in my legs and behind.  This is a huge deal and is my greatest indicator that I am physically balanced.  Last year I could not do this.  My knees were crinkly in sound  and weak.  But doing things like cardio, strength training, walking and flexibility like yoga and pilates (a moderate amount…NOT hours and hours) type movements and just getting everything together in my life is really helping.  By this I mean dealing with the propper way to eat for myself and thinking better…hehe.   I still smile as I recall a young man who I met once who was not the smartest but he was still smarter then most that I have known.  He said, “just think right!”  That was the answer, but I had to discover the path.   The CD is my saving grace and I will be using more of Paul McKenna’s CDs as I tackle more of my minds complexities and entanglements.   Should be completely entertaining as I struggle with new things that are not weight related….  Really laughable.  That will be my goal- to live life light-heartedly and to welcome newness and joy.Peace!

I have been doubting myself all my life and of course this also spill into eating.  I have struggled so much with diet and what is right or what is maybe not so ideal for weight loss/health and then finally through the help of a friend and by listening to my inner self with the help of my friend Paul (lol…he feels like a friend now as I listen to his CD every day), I know what is right for me.  Nothing a little light hypnosis won’t cure!  Well it has for me.  *knocks on wood*  Well I am always dramatic and excited about something that is working.  But eating only when hungry, stopping when content and enjoying the foods I want to eat, real food, is just working.  There is a freedom that I have never experienced.  My mind is quiet, at least with food anyways.  I have been searching for a type of wisdom that is outside of me and Paul McKenna helped me to find this strength in me.  I followed his principles before (I can make you thin… kind of laughable just to write the words) but I did not have the tools/book or the CD so I gave up.  His words now spill into me everyday and they will as he suggests, for 2 weeks.  What a change!

This AM I was stressed but it was a different feeling.  I felt it while I prepared some homemade garlic herb foccacia bread topped with Kalamata olives.  Kneading the dough was a good help too…hehe.   And the stress disappeared and the peace came back.   No matter what happens outside of me, I always have the will to find my center, feel me and do what is right for me.  And so each food I eat is an offering of peace and energy and it is savoured of course with out judgement.  It just IS.  And this is something I pray sticks.  It is natural and it is with out bullshit brainwashing.  Still there will always be a part of me that knows that fruit and flax oil are better choices then simple sugar and potato chips.   And the body will crave fat in any form when it needs the helpful fats.   Still when I have those delights, my goal is to treat them as such and not criticize.  Only the body knows what is true.  Says my teaching self to my student self.

It is funny how the fear of the loss of someone special or not losing fat can make you do incredibly stupid things.  Blah! 

“In Buddhism, there is a practice called “Touching the Earth” that can help us realize our wish to generate the energies of love, compassion, joy, and equanimity. During the practice, we touch the Earth deeply six times, surrendering ourselves to the Earth and to our own true nature. We touch the Earth with our forehead, our two legs, and our two hands, so that our mind and body form a perfect whole, allowing us to tanscend our small self. We surrender our pride, notions, fears, resentments, and even our hopes, and enter the world of “things as they are.” Touching the Earth is an effective yogic practice. We return to our own source of wisdom and are no longer separate and apart from our Mother Earth.”

-From Teaching Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh

Just listening to Black Uhuru’s Party Next Door.   Nothing feels as sexy as music that just makes you move with seemingly no effort.  Fun.

….the number until I reach my mini goal.  One down.

Strength Contract will be completed by tomorrow, though I did not exercise everyday, no kidding, I did all right.  Posted on a previous blog.

Onward and hopefully downward with a renewed interest in pilates and yoga.  I am looking into taking a class, one or the other.  Will see about the cost and types.  But this will be something I do that is outside my comfort box.  Until I take a class I have a stack of DVDs to help create my body.

One cool thing, when I started here at BS I bought an on-sale satin camosole that I was sure would fit and it did not.  Well it sat in my drawer for a long time, then last week I tried it on for shits and giggles and wow, it is no longer tight around my rib cage.  IT FITS!  I am stoked!  :P  Yah for good surprises.

Most things that happen are really just not worth fretting over.  This week I work even a little more on not sweating the small stuff.

Who says you can’t send a booster note to yourself….lol  Well technically you can’t, but it is the little things we do for ourselves and the positive affirmations to ourselves.  Or even last week when I took note of what I wanted to say to myself and I said I wanted to avoid the negative words in my head.  All these things matter.  And I was not perfect at keeping the negative out.  But I have some new tricks up my sleeve.  Nothing will stop me from creating my best self in mind, body and spirit.  But my efforts come with a gentle touch and this is most soothing to me.

So, my countdown to my mini goal is on.  WW is good again.  It seems fresh and though I know it will bug me at some point, I am putting my big girl panties on (they still are fun though) and remembering to love myself, enjoy life and adhere to portions.  Of course the points were over this weekend and I enjoyed a little TOO much.  But even going over a little, ok a lot is still better then watching things skid completely off the path meal after meal.  This week more Balance and listening to my hunger.  This week I reward my body with healthy choices.  I am such a broken record!!!!

I want to give thanks for all that this body does for me and want to show it, good eats and respect.  This past week was such a scary week with the loss of Michael Jackson and it has had me thinking about my Grandmother whom I never met.  She died of heart problems when my Mom was 13 years old and sometimes lately I feel my heart is sad and over stressed.  So I am going to take note of my body signals and intuitively do what is best for me.

I use to do the unusual things, the fun things and did not care about anything that people thought.  Well I have wilted a bit and this week is about picking myself up and daring myself to be that person who just rocked her world.  So I dare myself to do the extraordinary and really think of this week as my last.  What would I do if it was my last?   Working on those fears, those fears that keep me all locked up and in pain.

Life is too short to sweat the small and it is all too short to not live… Repetition is good for memory…lol

I posed a question to myself about how I could be accountable to drop a couple and feel better.  Well I just enjoyed my food, tried to eat moderately, worked out when I could and stopped when I felt I needed, enjoyed a mini home spa and followed some good wisdom both from a friend and from my inner self.

Wishing everyone a great week.

Tappy tap tap tap!    Beating to my own drum……

Earl grey tea cheers to you !

So I always wonder, what is best for me?  Should I aim to eat really complex and delish meals and be satisfied (who has the time??) or just eat simple and healthy and possible be left wanting?

Well I think the answer for me lies in between.

I was inspired by the menu on The View’s site where one of the lady is trying to lose some weight for a bathing suit showing on TV.

http://www.theview.tv/blog/sherris-bathing-suit-challenge-diet-week-2#comments

I want to be satisfied, yet not completely involved in creating masterpiece meals.

B- Fresh fruit salad - blueberries, apricot, banana, cherries, pineapple….(little later) beef slices wrapped in butter lettuce leaves (hit of mustard and black pepper)

L- sweet potato fries w/ olive oil, Johnnys seasoning, little ranch dressing, Franks hot sauce and nutritional yeast sprinked after cooled, salad and veggies- THIS WAS BLISS, omg!

S-1/2 a Clover Leaf Fresh Thai Herb tuna w/ a large salad, flaxseed oil, Renes Japanese style dressing, rice noodles

Treat-  almond milk “mocha” with Caflib and stevia, yummy rice crispy cake with extra marhmellows, jelly candies

s-  Earl grey tea, Brazil nuts, rice cakes, goji berries,

Not feeling super well today when I woke up so eating lighter is best.  And seeing all that blue cheese in those recipes on that site, DID NOT HELP.  
I bet I feel a lot less bloated tomorrow!!!  I have been eating more meat and wheat and I feel  like a whale.  So today’s meat total is about 3 ounces.  No wheat for awhile.

So, I wrote a blog after I saw Earthlings and kept it as a draft, ahh why?  It was all about my mindset during and after the documentary.  It really affected me as I knew it would.  It was really hard to watch.  It was kind of like Shindler’s List the first time I saw it only 100 times worse.  

So, I did not eat for a long time after this.  Just did not have an appetite and then I fed myself and my emotions a little.  The food was down on paper.  But I wanted to write out the pros and cons of my day with food to keep some not so clear perspective, CLEAR.

Pros: I made the choice to have extra protein, even if it was whey protein, when I had more sugar then normal.  Good job.  High sugar and low protein is NOT good for the body!!! So good job me.  Milk is worse for me at this time then the much simpler amino acids of the whey, so, so what.  :)  I also took all my vitamins and enzymes, so, kudos.   I did mostly feed my hunger except for a sugar treat.  Ok.  I will  not be eating past 6:ooPM… Great!

Cons: I had more simple sugar/carbs then I would normally and that is ok, but will aim for a healthier day tomorrow.  I had portions of some off-my-list-foods.  I feel fine as I have been pretty good with the elimination diet, still need to be careful and get back to it.

More perspective:  Checked out Sparks and I did not do so bad at all.  Only 250 cal over for a Saturday at 2000 and over with the fat.  Under with the carbs but way more then usual and more protein the usual which is good for the day - 68 grams, awesome!  It was worth the time to check things out because I might have had a wrong view of my day.  And that kind of thinking never leads to good things for me.  Nipped in the bud and ready to have a little workout to keep my attitude optimum…. In a world where things are not ideal, I can still make the best of my moments, my life.

Ahh Oscar wants attention and so I am his beotch  ;)

So I am awake.  Oscar has waken me up and for what, I do not know.  He has food.  Maybe it’s the rain.  My heavens it smell wonderful!  I feel weird today ??  but I am liking it.

I love it when I opt for a different breakfast and just enjoy the new flavor.   Even if it’s simple, it’s perfect.  A drizzle of agave and salted organic butter on brown rice bread toast was yummy with my 1/2 banana.  I woke up craving almond butter and it’s so weird, but I have noticed that when I crave something I often do not eat it slowly enough.  I thought a change was good and it was!  Most enjoyable! And no thoughts until after that maybe I did not get enough protein.  Why NOT chose the almond butter?  It’s a better choice right?  Well maybe not.  I should avoid most nuts.  The protein thing has been a problem, thinking I need more and more protein when infact, my body might have been saying less and less.  I reason this out since doing this diet and getting a little less protein I feel better.  And well I was so wrong, I can still lose weight and eat around 45-50 grams of protein.  Some days a little more.  Whatever I feel….

I thought I’d be irritable not having this large list of foods on this diet, but I feel clear and usually quite content.  There were times before I think I knew what it felt to be a drug addict…wanting, wanting, needing?  I would lie if I said I did not miss cheese and eggs…. I DO.  But my goal is about getting my intestinal health back into good shape….. just like the rest of me.   I have had soy and feel okay and I feel this must be because I have not had it really so much.   I am not going to start having it a lot either.  I am keeping it extremely moderate.  Like last night.  I made a small chocolate soy sundae with a couple cherries and a 1/4 of a banana…YUM.   Speaking of which I enjoyed that treat like I can not even tell you.  It was heaven!   I was slightly hungry, but I do need to watch out for the mindless night time eating.  I do not need it to creep back in.

The neatest thing about this diet, is there are times I want to eat something for shear boredom and NOTHING appeals.  Those former go to foods (corn, dariy, wheat, peanut) are the ones I can not have on this elimination/allergy diet.  So this is working out REALLY well for my weight loss.  *big smiles*  So many times I have just sat down realising, I was not hungry anyways!  Then there are times I am really hungry and I just eat something on the Can-Have-list.  All good.

Exercise is going well.  No more muffin top!!  Hip hip horray!!!  And my waist is back down to the low 30s instead of the mid 30s.  My legs are toning up and are down 1 whole inch.  LOL.  Well it’s progress.

One thing.  I want to see the documentary with Joaquin Phoenix called Earthlings.  The craziest thing is, it has been out since 2005!! Where have I been???  It’s about the treatment of animals by the world’s food producers. My problem is I feel better eating a diet that is best described as the Paleo-diet (hunter- gather, veggies, fruits, meat protein, seeds) + a vegan diet (I would normally say vegetarian because I would eat dairy and eggs, but not at the moment).  This works best for me I find.  Paleo and vegan are opposite but this is what my meals look like and I feel healthy.  But it has been brought to my attention in a very upset manner, you know who, my Big Sweet Pea, hehe, that if I watch the documentary I’ll be eating all vegan again….No!  That was not healthy for me!  Last time I changed our eating habits (though I still cooked my sweetie his meat sometimes : )  after I read Skinny Bitch and was inspired by the written text descriptions of animal treatments.  For god sakes if a hockey player goes vegetarian/soon to be vegan maybe (he says) after seeing Earthlings, well how am I suppose to resist when morally I already struggle sometimes with meat?  The fact is, I do feel better physically with a little meat.  Two to three ounces is usually enough most days out of the week.  But I really want to see it!  It’s like how they describe people gawking at a car wreck, only I can not do that.  So…….what to do.   I am at a loss.  I know I believe in the correct and human treatment of animals and this is achieved on some farms but NOT the massive farms where the majority of our animal protein comes from.  I feel conflicted.  I want to see it………………………………..  But David knows me and I do too.

Ahhh….. 7:35 AM  time to workout.  *deep breathing*