Jennifer

I was not going to plant anything this year, but decided it was not in me to not have fresh herbs.  So this is what I am enjoying these days…

ROSEMARY - the herb that in my opinion makes you feel wonderful and high on life.  Some say it’s an aphrodisiac.  Well aren’t most things as long as they appeal to an individuals senses.

BASIL - Just all around wonderful, refreshing and wonderful to eat whenever.   I will savor some basil cream cheese at some point.  YUM.

MINT - It seems so fragile and yet it grows like a weed… LOVE it and I will get creative with this one.  Not just tea and salads!

LAVENDER-Calming and perfect smelling.  Maybe I will even see some flowers.  lol  I did plant it a bit late.  *fingers crossed*

Must see the beauty…

Even in a day like Thursday! My new weigh in day.  I knew I would change it from Monday to any other day. 

I am not going to say I did not eat when I was a little stressed because I did a little, but it was all in portions and I really feel pretty fine.  Amazing actually.  No thinking of any foods as not so good and I really enjoyed everything-food and non-food things.  The stress I should say came from a strange and interesting source (not family) when David and I got a little off track around some park and very much ended up where we should not have been!  Well we were getting some strange looks as we drove down this very wide walking path…. ahhh…. It was CRAZY and my heart was just a racing, but thank the heavens for revealing a much needed escape route…hehe.  My stepfather had left money for sundaes from DQ because he was out working the majority of our visit, but we resisted that.  Actually at the time I felt ill…lol    It just did not appeal.  However when we were at home eventually, I suggested sundaes and so we made little ones.  I felt so famished once we got back and I was able to sit.  It was insane and I got some much desired, adventure?  I never knew this place existed when I lived here, well not really.  So anyways, all through out my sleep that night I would wake myself up giggling at where geocaching had taken us.  I WAS NOT LAUGHING as we experienced everything…HA.  After it was funny.  *big smiles*

I am most proud of my Mom who has lost I do not know how much weight, but she is looking so much better since being diagnosed with high cholesterol and adjusting her diet.  Her numbers have been cut in half and she is so much littler.  She seems to have more energy and is degrees happier.  I am so proud of her.  And I just decided at this moment that I am going to send her a card, like I would send a buddy a booster.  My Mom has not joined the computer age….hehe.  So a good old fashion card will be a nice surprise and motivator for her I think.

I also discovered this really neat meditation spot near a church that I did not know existed (it was made a year after I left).  It was this cool labyrinth that I can not wait to walk through completely.  I really did not have the time then, but for the first time I am looking forward to going back.  Everything just seemed so incredibly positive.  Twas terrific! *smiles*  And it was another goecache near by that took us to this location.  Who knew!?!

Must study now but I will read blogs tomorrow night as tonight we are getting a new toilet and sink.

Love you all and wish you a great day and week! 

This week I learned so much about myself just by saying from the beginning of the week “I am going to try and not judge food or myself when I eat”.  Now I never thought I did before but of course how could we not when we are trying to lose weight???  I say “oh I so what to have this, but it is not really on my plan.  I mean I want to lose weight, is that a good choice?”  Well foods are not the enemy.  I still believe there is a lot of fake food out there for our potential consumption (Ha!), but nothing is off limits.  All that matters is where my mind is when I am providing my body with energy and nutrition. 

And this week, my mind has been here and there and everywhere, but my tools were with me to deal and enjoy.  What I noticed was that my body is not always hungry at the same time.  Feeding my actual hunger was a real good thing but somewhat of a challenge.  No points or calories were recorded.  I did not really journal, but when I was thinking about eating or eating I was aware of the positivity of my hunger and the occasional negativity of my thoughts.  It was wonderful to be an observer of my thoughts and not trapped in them. 

I did experience some mini binges (2) but it did not spiral and it did not mean anything.  Sure better choices could be had.  They ended soon after starting because I was THERE with myself.  I was not alone.  My company was plenty.  I did make a correlation to what foods I like to binge on and what I did when I was younger, feeling alone and scared.  It was really strange.  I almost always then and now go for milk products.  I never had them so much early in life but really had a lot in high school as I ballooned.  It was a comfort for some reason.  Anyways, this week I tried to have other foods when I wanted to eat and I felt myself consuming less…. It was a neat experience to NOT WANT ANY MORE…..  Very cool.  My hunger was satisfied.

I did feel the stress of not losing weight fast enough, because this process is sure to be so slow as it is not so weight centered.  It is behavior centered with the long term goal being health and achieving MY optimum weight.  This is something I will deal with and accept.  My ideal body weight is unknown.  I have to accept certain genetic factors for sure.  Yesterday it came to me who I am most like.  Sure I am over 200 pounds less then my aunt, but we are very similarly shaped.  We are pears, though I am a little more like an hour glass with my broad shoulders.  The weight will come off as it so wants.  Not really how I wish I could manipulate it.  (Doesn’t work anyways.)   By letting go of the control over food and diet, I noticed that control in other areas of my life picked up, so I was with those thoughts too and soon peace embraced me.   Things are so much better when you relax.  It has been a long time since I have said, I had a great week. Yah!

The scale says I gained today but it knows nothing of the fun I had yesterday.  It is not true weight.  We spent 8 hours geocaching yesterday and it was so much fun.  Food was not the focus, though some planning might have been an idea instead of some of the choices we made.   But it was nice to let go.  Could have drank more water too. *notes for next time* 

Just to share one experience we had, it seemed that something was lost when we were out and about and maybe I was not freaked out so much as it was not my loss, but I just felt at ease and then it was found.  David and I were in such a good place….hmm, relief?  And there for our fun was a bottle bubbles in the treasure box and so we blew bubbles and felt like kids in the middle of Somewhere Great.  It was priceless. 

Goals for my upcoming week: Review the principles of Intuitive Eating and consider some more then others, finish the business section of my course which gives me hives (lol) and have more fun…….  Maybe a loss too.   Have a great week Everyone. *hugs*

The journaling has been good. But what I am most impressed with is how my mind has calmed a little. I have been really anxious about the whole dieting mentality and hence this has lead me to open my eyes to new things (The Book, the only book, Intuitive Eating and the Joy of Silence). I am often racked with all kinds of hormones this time of the month, but this time when I wanted salt and chocolate I went with it. BUT I AM EATING WITH TRUE AWARENESS AND ACCEPTANCE. It is not the irresponsible eating that we call binge eating. Rather it is healthier view of food and myself where I did not judge the food or try to hide myself. Truly my emotions change like the wind, but this moment has been coming. Anything worth having comes with a preliminary hell. I will keep doing what I know is correct for my form and for my mind. That which is Beyond me is a comfort because I do not need to know the plan. I just need to do what I know is True. These are the challenges I face. I know I have to do things and change is always scary.

My goal this week is to NOT hide behind food or use food to cause me to feel like a failure. This week I feel Everything. I have learned so much about myself by being present with the Silence and the emotions of loneliness and I could not have asked for a better teacher then the stillness of the moment. Also, I need to get my own copy of Intuitive Eating so I can mark it up.

I really enjoyed watching all the Olympics this weekend. There is a quality with in each athlete that is truly magical. Just one example, but watching that woman from Romania (Constantina Tomescu-Dita) just run and run and press on and on was truly inspiring. How is it that some have that drive and others just do not? Not everyone has great roots to inspire this strength, so what is it? Where does this belief in oneself come from? How does one become a believer in oneself? Just some thoughts I am having right now……..

Ok, my stomach is telling me it is breakfast time….

Before I go, the scale says a gain, but this is so far from the truth. GEORGE! My body is so different and this is due to exercise….walking and strength training. I am so thankful for all that my body does. I will do my best to respect it so that it might continue to provide me with this much loved movement. I am sending out a big thank you to my physical body! *THANK YOU*

Have a great week everyone! I will be back next Sunday. (I have updated my profile too.)

I just feel somewhat lost today. I really really wish to lose these last few. And that is why I joined the team - motivation. But I can not find that which is only located from within. Well this realization is tough, because like I said, I feel lost. Team spirit detests this kind of thought. But this is me. I do not fit in ANYWHERE.

This diet that I new was crap really went out the window last night and thank goodness for this. I really enjoyed the great outdoors and some regular, fun, fast food last night. I refuse to think it was BAD…. I have no room for negativity as I need to find the Jenn who is moderate, really moderate. I know that extreme dieting is not good and I do not know what I was thinking doing it…. so ridiculous when I know all that is important is good health and it IS NOT achieved with radical diets, no matter how much I tweak it…lol Intuitive eating and The Zen of Eating are great guides. But I started to be anxious about goal not reaching my goal. I think lately I have been letting go a little and fear crept in. Like it would be the worst thing in the world to not diet?!? What if I just ate well, exercise, slept and dealt with all things stressful in a helpful way? What if I did not use my health issues as the reason to lose weight? What if I calmed the heck down and ENJOYED THE FREAKING MOMENT….. ha!

I have come to some new conclusions about food and health (through my own thinking and some reading). It is not so much what we eat that will keep us healthy, but it is what state our mind is in when we are eating and how we are eating. Real food is of course ideal, but stressfully eating healthy food and putting crazy pressure on our bodies is not a way to achieve optimum health. Perhaps it is this desire for peace within that is hindering me. I am just trying to hard, when I just need to stop. Smell, appreciate, enjoy…

Geocaching has actually brought me to a greater understanding of how I eat. Sometimes lately we have been out and about looking for treasure, but the goal did not distract us from the beauty of nature, the Moment. A couple times I have really just enjoyed where I was at, but then other times when we were out and about it was rushed, it was dark and we were hungry and moody. So, these are not the conditions to be enjoying an experience. And so back to diet and food…. One just has to be with them self and the food and the breath and the chewing. Before that food goes into my mouth I am going to consciously be aware of my mood, my state of mind, my emotions….my food. This is not something I have been able to maintain for any length of time…a journal for my emotions and food. YEh that requires me to get real with what usually wished to be stuffed down and down and down….. But I am taking a small notebook and I am going to write about my emotional connection to food for just 3 days. I have no plans. I do not know if I will continue or if I will give up. Like I so often feel I give up on everything! But 3 DAYS. I know George is coming and these emotions are somewhat connected to his visit, but I am tired of the constant BLAME game. Tis time to get real and be at ease because there is too much goodness to miss. Oh yeh, no dieting… just eating reasonably for my hunger.

I am cleaning the entire condo today because things have gotten forgotten around here with us being so adventurous. Well I look forward to even the mundane today. Laundry, vacuuming and gathering some items for Good Will. The rain is cheering up my herbs and I too feel so much better for getting this all off my chest. This is me, enjoying the everyday. Ok, I am smiling now.
This is still a nice place to be when I remember that this blogging space is mine.

As for Buddyslim, we are a neat little community that goes through a lot sometimes. I wish everyone the best and I hope that you are creatively seeing a way that suites your mind, your body and your spirit.

*wink*

The thing about the last blog appearing so long, I did not write most of it. This is shorter. Quickies can be good too, even necessary!

When I wrote the last blog I was not really sad. A little p-o’ed but certainly so thrilled to be aware of myself, my thoughts and what I do with food in the not so ideal times. I feel so awesome and for so many reasons. I just did not want my buddies to think that I was still in monster state. Though does it ever go away? I think not.

I have been working out usually at different times through out the day and eating regular small meals/snacks. Studying outside on the terrace today as I could not bring myself to take Oscar back in so I took my books out for a bit. The heat was just a beating down so we only stayed out for about 25 minutes. Made some homemade pea soup in the crockpot. And maybe after some more studying and supper we just might go and play tennis. We will see.

We have a new game and we waited so long and I mean I felt like the annoying kid who kept saying “is it in yet?” Nothing like a game called Pandemic to make you work together to solve the little issue of us vs. the disease. I am so morbid but I have a certain fascination for such things. It is kind of like me and vampire movies I guess. Just my thing. I love that we get to work together, David and myself.

Life is so good and I am so thankful. Off to read about energies with in the body and how everything we think and feel creates our biology. So keep it positive, deal with the not so good because procrastination really bites us in the ass and smile. Because you never know who is watching.

And from Jane with the challenge. I helped a gentlemen up when he was quite down today. I think the poor guy was shocked with my good intensions, but that was what came for me. I was open and I just did!

I am back to recording just to make sure I am getting proper nutrition and I feel fabulous!!! 24-28 points is the goal and I am basing my points on how much I am moving too.

Biggest hugs………

What I have done lately instead of eating when bored or stress….

1. received and/or gave a massage…. good way to unwind

2. read a new book

3. went for a walk along a different path…surrounded be beautiful trees and well, mud lol

4. study… oh yeh that was a fun one… productive is good too…lol

5. watched something interesting of TV that was not the news or depressing

6. made jewelry

7. exercise whether it was intense (cardio or strength training) or light (yoga or pilates)

8. give me a prize, I DID NOT CLEAN ONCE when I was stressed. Chose exercise or something else and that was so much better for me. Cleaned later or on another day.

9. I breathed. Felt the air in me, let it all go and found the moment.

10. did a little clean up on the terrace (that is FUN cleaning…hehe) and started thinking about what I want to plant. I think mostly herbs with a few flowers. Just keeping it simple this year.

OH and sometimes I snacked, but these are some of the things I did to try and not snack when I was not hungry.

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So invited the peace over for a visit and it is so strange! Everything seems so much more pleasant. Though I still feel some pressure in various aspects of my life, slowly this journey is becoming more and more enjoyable. But really with peace came perspective. OR, did the perspective come first? Ha!

I am reading my text books for my course and also In Defense of Food. It is a great and eye opening book for the adventurous though it is tough to read because the author is a bit rough. Right on the mark, but rough. Might comment more on it later. It was recommended by a friend so I thought I would give it a whirl. It made me see that I am seeing food in the worst possible way. There is no exact and correct science. In fact science has wanted to create an idea that it KNOWS, when it knows perhaps at best a little more then the average person. But mostly, if we eat close to what the Earth gives us, then it is so hard to go wrong. Well of course we can eat too much (did that lately) and not eat enough greens (have done this too) but mostly eating should be common sense. The answers are not outside myself. There is not a diet that is correct for me because what is good for me is what my body knows. It always tells me what I need. Now sometimes I feel the wanting……. That rarely ends well. But, live and learn.

I woke up the other morning from a dream and in it the cancerous cells had returned. Well I did not feel so anxious or worried, but I did feel a little more like eating well. Did I feel worried that I did not know how to heal myself? No. My stress from a variety of sources and inability to deal properly is that thing I want to work on. Sure chemicals are toxic for my body when consumed in large quantities, but I am my own worst enemy when I do not deal or when I let things irritate me. So, as much as I feel I have done well, this is still something I continue to work on.

The anxiety is no longer quite as strong. I mean my body does not freak when irritation comes over me, but I still have a ways to go. I have taken some situations and really looked at them I when I am eating well and exercising and I so much better at dealing.

Will post my food journal here as it was not working a couple weeks ago. Thought I would just give it another try since Dr. Marc asked what was happening. Seems to be working well now. Just would not let me edit, but the bugs seem to have been worked out. Perhaps my tension was messing with the outside world. When I re-read A New Earth I will be actually doing the meditation exercises this time. Not a good idea to skip the important parts even if it seems time consuming. These things are good for me, I KNOW. *rolls eyes* Jennifer deserves to RELAX and it makes my outside world that much more peaceful too.

I have been exercising my body well and my clothes are fitting so much better, even if that scale number is up. If my joints are not inflamed (I have learned that anti-inflammatories are really not for me and thank god I have not used them for so long….so diet is my means of achieving healthy joints) and my clothes are fitting better and better, then this is my measure of progress. The scale is such a joke. I mean I am happy to report that when I look at it, I really just smile and say, nope, not today and feel so awesome about myself.
Missed you all, but it was good to get focussed and figure somethings out. Studying is going well. *hugs*

Have a great weekend/week.

Food Log

Still not working. I had just a quarter of a cup of rice in my rice pudding…. c’est la vie! It will not let me fix it. Is it telling me I should have 1 cup? LOL… I do not think so.

I have made some very poor choices and I just can not take it anymore. I felt so aweful. Yesterday I learned that JUNK= anxiety, bloatedness, general crumbiness and then after this crappy day I felt like I could not get to sleep. SO what is today like? Well I already know that a nap is scheduled for me when ever I need, because I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE THIS SPIRAL INTO AN ILLNESS. I let stress get to me and this is such a poor excuse, but I did. I guess I have never felt like I hated junk foods (brownies, dairy, bread….. that was about it, but just YUCK. Not agreeing with me, SO I NEED TO LISTEN TO THE FEEDBACK!), but I dislike them in me. So what is it going to take for me to not turn to this crap? Do I need to become diseased? I really hope not. My plan which is what I am working on for a lifestyle is starting today. It is not tough for me only because I have eaten like this for a long time, but the key is to maintain it. I need to get cleansed. I researched the many recipes out there and to be honest they may not be for me. I have low blood pressure as it is and I do not need to be falling down with a lack of calories and ancient remedies that say they revive a toxic liver. I just am going to eat well and exercise. Not so hard. For my stress, I am getting back to reading my book, A New Earth. I was dealing so well with all of life’s stresses and then I put it down while I worked on other priorities. Well that was just poor for my self growth. I am opening my mind again to a deeper existence. One where perhaps I will think, breathe and let it all go instead of ingesting sugars and fats, only to feel ill in the end.

No more floundering….. Time for a life long plan that will work for me, I know, because I when I have done it, I have felt the best I have ever felt! But, I am SERIOUSLY starting to realize that the treats do not even feel so nice inside. There is not even the same pleasure in the moment. Just overly sugary waste!

The plan is to be on plan for 6 out of 7 days. No if’s, and’s or but’s about it! On my “off” day, I am not truly off, but I can have a meal, plus a small treat (IF SO DESIRED). But if I chose to eat out, the food I pick will still not be the problem foods for awhile. There is a lovely East Indian restaurant where I can have some nice vegetarian, dairy and bread free foods that are to die for. Other options exist. Love Mexican! Not every meal can be “off” plan on this day or I will seriously feel crappy. But, it will be there if I want. For 6 days I feed myself well. Heal. Become energized and feel like my body is alive, instead of feeling irritated.

I am thinking RAW and will lightly steam the tough vegetables for good digestion.

WHOLE FOODS. Are brown rice cakes whole? I think not, but then there is some common sense allotted here.

Decent food combining most of the time. No meat with complex carbs. Good solid vegetarian food combining for energy and protein. Fruits alone and not within 4 hours or so after protein. Pineapple and papaya are the exceptions if so desired.

Chew food well, 20-50 times depending of course on the food.

NO SUGAR, FLOUR, BREAD WHEAT PRODUCTS, CAFFEINE OF ANY KIND for a good damn long time.

NO DAIRY, except yogurt.

8-12 servings of fruits and veggies per day.

A little good healthy fat, my omegas

30-50 grams of fiber per day. Not actually going to keep track long term, but for a few days just to get a feel for what is good. I know I need a lot. (Beans, lentils, chickpeas, fruit, vegetables, psyllium, grains…) I had no flatulence when I was eating well. It only came back when I started to eat junk. Even eating all the legumes, NOTHING. Cool! One of my faves is beans in tomato sauce and it does have added sugar, that is one of the worst. Nasty! T.M.I….lol But like you weren’t thinking it!

Continue to drink my water and herbal teas between meals as to not dilute my stomach juices when I eat. Sips of course are fine, but no diluting.

Vitamins.

Appreciate and give thanks for all that I have.

Back to a happy me….. I really did need to feel rotten to get back to a more relaxed and healthier way of living. Eating well is not a strain! I do not want dead and deadening food in me. I do not want toxins floundering in my blood doing damage and this is what sugary junk foods and chemicals do….. they overwhelm our organs like our Liver and then all systems do not do as well as they could otherwise. For instance, our metabolism can slow down when our Liver becomes sluggish. I want a healthy metabolism. I want a healthy me. I deserve to be healthy, despite what my screwed up ego of a mind tells me sometimes.

Wow…. RELIEF. I do not feel sad or frustrated. I just needed to feel and know where I want to be. My body yelled and I will respect this.

Next section in my course…. Optimal Nutrition for the Mind. Looks great and I am excited to start it. I love it when statements are backed up with really good studies and I feel really confident with the contents…. from just doing a quick overview of it.

Bowling yesterday was GREAT. I mean I was awful! Plum awful. I have not bowled since I was 10 years old, but it was good. So much fun. But I noticed with all the sugar I had before we went out (EE for completely stupid reasons), I really felt anxious. Still good times and I can not wait to go again. I swear I used different muscles then when I play the Wii and it really was, well a good workout. The shoes fit nice too. Almost wanted to take them home…lol

Have a great weekend everyone. Hope it is sunny where you are. Looks amazing here so I am going to make myself a fresh juice, start a crockpot of slow simmering vegetable soup/broth and enjoy the day…. outside, with a book, tidying a little. Might go play mini golf. David seems to think that I would get a rush out of doing some target practice. Good lord, either he knows me too well or I do not know me at all. We will see what adventures we can find. I am opting for mini golf, but I am into stepping outside my box these days, like a younger me would have done …… I may give almost anything a whirl! *smiles* Have a great one!

I am now a firm believer that people do not always know what they are saying or how it will affect others. I did not always know this. I only thought that they were this or that, or that I was being too this or… that. Well there comes a time when you have to let it all go…. I found this image when I needed and I thought I would post it.

I have not been exercising nearly enough. So that most important thing for weight loss, movement has been missing and I think it will affect this month’s weigh in. Oh well, Life! But I have also been learning that exercise is great for the elimination of waste and toxins in the body and this keeps the body better able to heal itself. The lymphatic system loves it when we exercise because it can do it’s job that much more efficiently - ELIMINATION! - Especially using those big thigh muscles of mine helps to detox. Cool. I need to get rid of it all today. The garbage, the toxins, the frustration, the negativity in my head and the belief that I am not good enough. So I am keeping calm & carrying on…. ‘nough said!

Had a great workout this AM which involved some great cardio and some pilates. Well it is about time I get back to some activity. Very good for dealing with stress too.

Enjoyed some good walking, conversation and games with my friend yesterday. I was conservative with my spending, thank you know who. Just purchased some beads to make a refreshing new necklace and bracelet for the spring.

I have started to take some enzymes to help with some digestive problems and my health issues have improved. By watching what I eat I actually have identified the culprits that really are hindering my health right now. Wheat/gluten, yeast, simple white foods and sugar are the things that are irritating my digestive system. My doctor said that I have arthritis and though she did not say what kind and I am guessing because she hardly asked me any questions, I think that it is rheumatoid arthritis. As I study it seems clear and I believe the main issue I have is abnormal bowel permeability or a “leaky” gut which was causing a variety of issues including allergy like symptoms and the one thing that lead me to the doctor in the first place, sore joints. Well I am thrilled to say that with some digestive enzymes, I am feeling much better. Now I am also keeping my meals simple, protein portions small, chewing well and this is all helping too. I hope to see a doctor this spring who knows about such things, but at least I am feeling better now. Funny how things just work out sometimes. I would not have returned to my studies had it not been for my elderly client who went into a nursing home. It makes me sad that she had to leave her home, but this is how the life works, hey? We all get old. I am hoping that with age, decreased health does not have to come so quickly. ANYWAYS…. living in the moment. Sometimes I forget to value it.

I do not mean to sound negative. I really am in great spirits. In fact I am loving the positivity in the air! LOVE IT! Have a great week and I just needed to get this out there.

Well it is the beginning of the month and I see so many things that are different about myself. I love how I am so much more calm with out the scale. I mean at times my clothes have been tighter and mostly this is salt and one to many steamed milks from the corner store (as some know I use unsweetened soy only because my stomach is a bit crampy sometimes and I bloat up like a balloon..lol) Still once in awhile + 1, it is a nice treat. So I feel good though. I do have a bit of arthritis (in my chest so the doctor tells me and also in my joints, they tell me!) which I am taking some Ibuprofen for on occasion and trying to watch my diet. But even healthy foods aggravate my joints (I have done my research and realize that I need moderation with even those good foods). I am sure going so hard with the exercise last week did not help and of course the nasty cold hinders me too. I am sure the excess weight for years HAS NOT HELPED! *Sigh* So, lots of things are contributing, but I see an end to it all…. I hope I can say for this week I really eased up a bit on the intensity of the cardio. And things are cool. Might alternate intensities - Wk 1:high, Wk 2:low, Wk 3: high………. See how that works for my aging joints Ahhh tis life, we must face it and do our best, right? I do believe Marge has some good ideas about diet. Vegetarianism creates such a wonderful alkaline state for the body and this is so good for arthritis. I know. Just have to implement the wisdom into my life so my joints can be cool and hopefully forgiving.

So the organization of my recipes has taken a bit of a break. Thank you by the way for all your thoughts and ideas. Greatly appreciated I know I will get back to it on the weekend. I see some cool things with my thinking. Well I think they are cool because when I see newish thoughts or insights into myself I always feel so empowered and at ease. It is that lost unknowing that can really get to me sometimes. So, I look at my life with food and I see 2 Me’s. I see a me who actually really loves food and all the pleasure it brings. When it is all about the food, people, new flavors, visually pleasing food, I love and see that I am in love with it….hehe Sounds strange, but it is not much different then how I feel when I meet a new person and have a wonderfully stimulating conversation - even if it is just about politics…hehe. This has happened a few times. So, food is no different. LOVE the experience. But then there is the Me that LOVES and feels alive and vibrant with healthy things going in. If it is organic and whole, raw veggies, fruit, seeds, nuts, fish, I feel like I am ENERGIZED. It is like I literally can feel the life healing me and making me feel alive with their many good nutrients and enzymes. I must not try and change myself here. Tis futile! LOL… I have to go with it and appreciate both aspects. So the big thing that I saw when I was going through all these recipes, which I enjoy, was that I felt like I had a pleasurable time or had these food fantasies as I looked at many of the pictures. It was like, ok, I am done and I did not want and want after it at all. I guess I am content and not depressed, but it was fun to get ideas, feel that old satisfaction but not feel like I needed to cook…. was not hungry…lol  I am not clear as to how to really describe it, but it seemed to be like a mindful buffet where I was able to in my mind experience it all, but without the calories.

I should say I have also started reading a new book that is a bit raunchy but mostly fun and enlightening. “The Tuesday Erotica Club” is a good read. I recommend. Actually when I can get through a book in 2 readings, it is a good book…lol Mostly about strong woman, friends and feminism. Well I read too much non-fiction. Will be checking out this new author for sure. Does anyone know her work (Lisa Beth Kovetz) and know of others like it? I do believe I enjoy being fictionally entertained Who knew!!!

There is a lot of greatness to be discovered once the treasure box is opened.  Even knowing approximately where it is is a heck of a lot better then being lost in the deep dark woods. Listen to the worthy voices and words, discard the rest !!!

Took my measurements this AM just to have a clue…lol and my hips and waist are about the same (30/39), but my pants are a bit snug. Weird. Well, patience, exercise, good food that feeds the body and a little to feed the spirit/mind, good thoughts, loving me……… For the first time in my life I look at my body and there is some darn good shape. Love my muscles and how things are shaping up! —–> LOW SELF ESTEEM FEMALE….hehe I am finally seeing things as I have always hoped I would.

Off to have my tea…. chamomile peppermint this AM. Hope you have a great day and a lovely weekend.

And as my first buddy would always say, TAKE CARE OF YOU