I have only seen moments of Biggest Loser and it never really stuck with me.  But then last night at the advice of a friend, I watched and I was so drawn into the reality of it.  First, I was cheering for Shay the whole way.  As the fitness and nutrition consultants talked about her needing to be there I was just her biggest fan.  I was taken back to my biggest, felt that for a bit and then came back to the show and it was all about her journey.  It saddened me to the greatest depths when she got the boot.  I could not believe that guy who should never have made the commitment early on with her only to go back on his word.  He should have never done that, but it reminds me to be careful with my words.  To be thoughtful and act, but to think first because words matter.  But there, rambles.

I was surprised how much depth was present in so many parts of the show.  I really am not a fan of the race to lose the most weight, but it seemed there was more to the show.  And it got me to not have sweets last night.  I ate only to satisfy a little hunger, but did not go for the old comforting sugar.  Why did I want?

It was good to reavaluate some of the things that have been going on in my head and make some changes.  There is often a drama that creeps into life that has no business being there.

And, I want to in my own little safe space here at Buddyslim, say that I am SO thankful that I came back here at a time when I needed to, only to read a most random blog of someone I semi-knew, only to read the most important words I needed to read at that time.  And again when the negative thoughts were creeping into my head, I saw her most strong and opinionated words about suicide.  It kind of woke me up, that I needed to make some changes in my life and start seeing what I really have.  And keep striving to be my best….

Other people will do everything they can to make things happen in their world, but that does not mean that that is my truth or my life.  Sometimes only the extreme selfishness of others can be seen and maybe that is because we do not like that in ourselves or maybe it is a reminder that I need to be more selfish in my life. 

I am shocked at how strong I felt with my ability to say no to sweets.   LOL… I always go back to food when I should be thinking about something difficult or doing something else.   Will work on this always….   But really, it was like that tough Ms. Jillian was talking to me.  Boy was I mad at her.  What passion though.   Today I am thankful for the strength I found in myself through that show.  I am thankful for the interconnectedness of our world because someone far far away woke me up to my inner depression.   

So I make the commitment that I will try to think about Shay and personal responsibility when sugar treats come to mind.  I am making this connection that sugar is my go to when I am sad lately.  Not at all surprising when it raises seretonin levels in the brain the fastest.  It just is not so ideal of course.  So other ways to raise this important neurotransmitter is exercise, complex carbohydrates and sunshine.  OK SELF, get on with things……..  *smiles*

Loving Dr. Oz’s challenge.  I am Miss Moderate and I love any healthy eating plan that says, “go ahead and have dessert every second day.”  LOL… I needed that go ahead.  :)   Lately just being told I can have, I have not been wanting so much.  Just when sad…..  hmmmmm.  Interesting.

And on this Remembrance Day, I remember all those who risked and contine to risk their lives to provide peace and safety for us all…..

All right, it feel’s completely normal to be back.  I have been gone for over 2 months.  That is a record for the chick who use to be on every day.  But I missed feeling like people just understood the journey and the struggles.  I would like to be more reliant on myself and not have that neediness, but there is something special about people who just feel similar to myself.  I did not feel like I could speak about my weightloss journey on another site.  So what good is that, if you can not be who you are and say what you want to say?!?

Well, I was not going to change my ticker as motivation, but I want to be real.  So, I changed it.  No biggie at all.  I know I am not comfortable so I will naturally and slowly find a more comfortable place for this body.

I am not over-talking/writing about what I want to do or what I am going to do.  I am just trying to make some realistic adjustments as I have stepped backwards and that is not a good place to be going.  No more. 

Feeding my emotions as I have learned is ok, as long as there is some portion control.  No guilt.  Just eat and savor.  But this is my affirmation.  I love myself and food is (not the answer), it’s fuel and it can be fun.  And activity is a MUST.  How could I forget that?

My hormones are really needing some consistancy in all areas and so this is what I will do.  I will do my body right!  And there is no need to write about it and converse really about it.  It just knows what it needs.  So I will obey!  My body knows best.

Today I say that I am sorry to My Body, because I have treated You poorly in the past few weeks.  And so, if You will forgive me and reward my efforts, I think we will be great…. mind, body and soul.

Note: It says my comments are turned off.  I can not recall where that setting is and I have looked.  Oh well.  Life goes on. 

This seems a bit strange to me to comit to for days and days inorder for things to start to really stick.  But it is just like my Paul McKenna CD, eventually I have to review and reprogram myself because no matter what I say to myself,years and years of images and current ideas invade my brain.  Then it’s my turn to tell myself what is true.

http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/boosting_selfperception

In a nutshell…..or my personal interpretation…

1.  Do not think that others are thinking about me.  There is a good chance they are thinking about themselves, like 99% chance.  REALLY, get over myself.  They do not care.  And if they are on that 1% chance, then their life might be really boring at the time.  So give them a brake.  They are like me, not perfect.

2.  If I am not feeling good about something in particular, then balance it with something fun.  Like if I feel bloated because I had too much salt the week of my period, the I do something wacky like where a hat, big jewelry or maybe buy some lipstick!  YIKES, I am completely out.  Need a new non-tested on animal shade.  (You know awhile ago I was on a rant in my world about using products that do not test on animals.  There are a couple products that I still can not find good products to replace the animal cruelty products, but, can not be perfect.  Still, when it comes to make-up which I see as fun and good for my mood, not entirely necessary, I still can not beautify myself with products that have resulted from companies that test on animals.  Anyways, this is still important to me.  Just occured to me to be kind with myself as there are still some products I use that are not awesome in all ways.  Like my laundry detergent.  Nothing beats it so far.  I dare life to send me some effective, unscented detergent…lol)

3.  Focus on my passions and this leaves no time to worry about the negative at the moment zip, excess flab or whatever.  Be happy.  Find the happiness.  What are my passions in life?  I say again, what are they?

4.  Being honest about those negative images is healthy.  I do like to share with people I trust.  Really love me for me and they do not care about my thighs.  Still getting those thoughts out of my head, priceless!  And it creates an intimacy or bond that is wonderful.   Still, people can be around to correct us once in awhile, but chances are they are not there most of the time.  So it is good to catch those thoughts and spin them with positivity.

5.”Body is tied in with your mind that simply thinking about stressful situations raises your blood pressure, increases your heart rate, and lowers your immune system. If you keep thinking about how ugly or fat you feel, your physical health will suffer along with your emotional health. To feel better about your body, focus on positive thoughts and healthy activities.”

This week, I make self image improvement my class that I will not miss.

NOW, I am going to enjoy this body and feed it well, move it to my heart’s content…..and enjoy whole food.  Yes, I have no choice.  LOL….my non-core foods are NO MORE…. love.  I so enjoyed my day yesterday…. Did not even feel over full once, but things can add up.   Ahhhh kind of made a connection…. Just like those negative thoughts.  It’s okay to have a negative thought, but have too many and suddenly the physical health and mental well being are altered.  No matter what it is, extremes just get in the way of good health.

NO tricep comments and no thigh comments from me this week that are anything other then, damn I feel fine and love my form right now and it’s just getting better and better.

What has really got me supporting the fact that bigger is ok-the wonderful example, Alisa Kleybanova was at the Roger’s Cup.   A bigger girl she is, but she was so strong and not once did her size hinder her.  I mean she was phenomenal and she moved so well, NEARLY making it to the finals.  What a tennis player!!!  I am a fan. 

Pros and Cons of my two me’s 

The Gentle Me

PROS-forgiving, not obsessive, non-judgemental, focus is subtle but effective,

CONS-seems to not be as affective, seemingly without focus, it takes more effort to overcome the negative thoughts

          - it’s possible to get off track due to emotions and it seems nearly impossible to regain the focus again……

….which leads me to thinking about…….

The Diet Dominatrix

Pros- easier to just listen to a strong and strict voice, effective for some time, seems fun at first, it’s easier when life is tough and confusing because I do not have to work at things as I can do what someone has said is the right way.  Truth be told, there is only one way and that is MY way… whatever the heck that means 

Cons-It is not healthy to be so restrictive, it does not teach me to be gentle with myself, not forgiving, when she says “no” I want, fighting eventually turns volatile, negative views of food and possibly exercise. 

So I know where I need to go.  Get back on my path, realise what I want and just gently find a way…If I stray, gently escort the annoying dominatrix voices out of my head and welcome sanity and my gentle me back in. 

How strange it is that when stressed I have been craving sugary foods for comfort, but the last thing the body needs is sugar in stressful times as both stress and sugar deplete the body of vitamin Bs.   Less Bs, more depression and an inability to deal well with more stress…… hmmm…… It’s hard not to think of sugar as evil.  It just seems that in our society, more is always better.  More, more, more……  

But we are consumed with something.  No matter what it is, there is ALWAYS something that takes us away from our center of greatness.   Unless, the picture is clear.  And it seems the picture is rarely clear….. *sigh* 

Today I re-learned that happiness is within.  Sure sure I have heard this, but how many times do I look and continue to look for that thing that is not in another person and can not be give to me from another.  Happiness is mine, for me, from me.  Funny how you can look and look and become more lost in a forest of unknown.   And then suddenly I am lost in my food, unable to enjoy, because it would seem the world is spinning all around like a massive rollercoaster.  Nope, there has got to be another way…  A return to the Gentle and working on that old self respect and love….

I became empty when I looked outside of me for something more.  This seems strange to me.  Love. 

My mind is a mysterious maze today.  I am taking the day off from thinking. 

I do not really read blogs here anymore and hence I am no longer the buddy I once was.  I am finding that the words out there in Buddyland feed my Diet Dominatrix, and frankly that bitch needs to reduce even more then me!  You know, for my own good.

I feel so wonderful !!!!   Off to create something sensually appealing in my kitchen and have a good day.  Hope a few others out there are re-discovering their great selves and creating some interesting new paths.