Jennifer

Pros and Cons of my two me’s 

The Gentle Me

PROS-forgiving, not obsessive, non-judgemental, focus is subtle but effective,

CONS-seems to not be as affective, seemingly without focus, it takes more effort to overcome the negative thoughts

          - it’s possible to get off track due to emotions and it seems nearly impossible to regain the focus again……

….which leads me to thinking about…….

The Diet Dominatrix

Pros- easier to just listen to a strong and strict voice, effective for some time, seems fun at first, it’s easier when life is tough and confusing because I do not have to work at things as I can do what someone has said is the right way.  Truth be told, there is only one way and that is MY way… whatever the heck that means 

Cons-It is not healthy to be so restrictive, it does not teach me to be gentle with myself, not forgiving, when she says “no” I want, fighting eventually turns volatile, negative views of food and possibly exercise. 

So I know where I need to go.  Get back on my path, realise what I want and just gently find a way…If I stray, gently escort the annoying dominatrix voices out of my head and welcome sanity and my gentle me back in. 

How strange it is that when stressed I have been craving sugary foods for comfort, but the last thing the body needs is sugar in stressful times as both stress and sugar deplete the body of vitamin Bs.   Less Bs, more depression and an inability to deal well with more stress…… hmmm…… It’s hard not to think of sugar as evil.  It just seems that in our society, more is always better.  More, more, more……  

But we are consumed with something.  No matter what it is, there is ALWAYS something that takes us away from our center of greatness.   Unless, the picture is clear.  And it seems the picture is rarely clear….. *sigh* 

Today I re-learned that happiness is within.  Sure sure I have heard this, but how many times do I look and continue to look for that thing that is not in another person and can not be give to me from another.  Happiness is mine, for me, from me.  Funny how you can look and look and become more lost in a forest of unknown.   And then suddenly I am lost in my food, unable to enjoy, because it would seem the world is spinning all around like a massive rollercoaster.  Nope, there has got to be another way…  A return to the Gentle and working on that old self respect and love….

I became empty when I looked outside of me for something more.  This seems strange to me.  Love. 

My mind is a mysterious maze today.  I am taking the day off from thinking. 

I do not really read blogs here anymore and hence I am no longer the buddy I once was.  I am finding that the words out there in Buddyland feed my Diet Dominatrix, and frankly that bitch needs to reduce even more then me!  You know, for my own good.

I feel so wonderful !!!!   Off to create something sensually appealing in my kitchen and have a good day.  Hope a few others out there are re-discovering their great selves and creating some interesting new paths.

I have finally gotten back to eating for hunger, well a little better anyways.  I did so start to eat when I was not hungry and the rewards were NOT THERE of course.  Anyways, I know what doing things right means.  SUCCESS!    It’s not always easy, and sometimes I faulter a little, but it’s a great thing to aim for!  Yeh, positivity….

And last night I had some carrot cake from Alexander’s restaurant which I have been craving for 2 days.  Ang, I did NOT have the Peanut butter pie…I know I am shocked too, but I can do without the peanuts.  The learning lesson here would have been, I could have stopped with 4-5 bites left or more and saved the rest.  I did not.  Better I will be next time.   I did have that ever so slightly too full feeling.

Today, I am bang on!  Good nutritious food and high energy foods and a lighter supper….salad and turkey.

Enjoyed some good weights, lunges, abdominal exercise and pilates.  

….the number until I reach my mini goal.  One down.

Strength Contract will be completed by tomorrow, though I did not exercise everyday, no kidding, I did all right.  Posted on a previous blog.

Onward and hopefully downward with a renewed interest in pilates and yoga.  I am looking into taking a class, one or the other.  Will see about the cost and types.  But this will be something I do that is outside my comfort box.  Until I take a class I have a stack of DVDs to help create my body.

One cool thing, when I started here at BS I bought an on-sale satin camosole that I was sure would fit and it did not.  Well it sat in my drawer for a long time, then last week I tried it on for shits and giggles and wow, it is no longer tight around my rib cage.  IT FITS!  I am stoked!  :P  Yah for good surprises.

Most things that happen are really just not worth fretting over.  This week I work even a little more on not sweating the small stuff.

Who says you can’t send a booster note to yourself….lol  Well technically you can’t, but it is the little things we do for ourselves and the positive affirmations to ourselves.  Or even last week when I took note of what I wanted to say to myself and I said I wanted to avoid the negative words in my head.  All these things matter.  And I was not perfect at keeping the negative out.  But I have some new tricks up my sleeve.  Nothing will stop me from creating my best self in mind, body and spirit.  But my efforts come with a gentle touch and this is most soothing to me.

So, my countdown to my mini goal is on.  WW is good again.  It seems fresh and though I know it will bug me at some point, I am putting my big girl panties on (they still are fun though) and remembering to love myself, enjoy life and adhere to portions.  Of course the points were over this weekend and I enjoyed a little TOO much.  But even going over a little, ok a lot is still better then watching things skid completely off the path meal after meal.  This week more Balance and listening to my hunger.  This week I reward my body with healthy choices.  I am such a broken record!!!!

I want to give thanks for all that this body does for me and want to show it, good eats and respect.  This past week was such a scary week with the loss of Michael Jackson and it has had me thinking about my Grandmother whom I never met.  She died of heart problems when my Mom was 13 years old and sometimes lately I feel my heart is sad and over stressed.  So I am going to take note of my body signals and intuitively do what is best for me.

I use to do the unusual things, the fun things and did not care about anything that people thought.  Well I have wilted a bit and this week is about picking myself up and daring myself to be that person who just rocked her world.  So I dare myself to do the extraordinary and really think of this week as my last.  What would I do if it was my last?   Working on those fears, those fears that keep me all locked up and in pain.

Life is too short to sweat the small and it is all too short to not live… Repetition is good for memory…lol

I posed a question to myself about how I could be accountable to drop a couple and feel better.  Well I just enjoyed my food, tried to eat moderately, worked out when I could and stopped when I felt I needed, enjoyed a mini home spa and followed some good wisdom both from a friend and from my inner self.

Wishing everyone a great week.

Tappy tap tap tap!    Beating to my own drum……

Earl grey tea cheers to you !

So I am awake.  Oscar has waken me up and for what, I do not know.  He has food.  Maybe it’s the rain.  My heavens it smell wonderful!  I feel weird today ??  but I am liking it.

I love it when I opt for a different breakfast and just enjoy the new flavor.   Even if it’s simple, it’s perfect.  A drizzle of agave and salted organic butter on brown rice bread toast was yummy with my 1/2 banana.  I woke up craving almond butter and it’s so weird, but I have noticed that when I crave something I often do not eat it slowly enough.  I thought a change was good and it was!  Most enjoyable! And no thoughts until after that maybe I did not get enough protein.  Why NOT chose the almond butter?  It’s a better choice right?  Well maybe not.  I should avoid most nuts.  The protein thing has been a problem, thinking I need more and more protein when infact, my body might have been saying less and less.  I reason this out since doing this diet and getting a little less protein I feel better.  And well I was so wrong, I can still lose weight and eat around 45-50 grams of protein.  Some days a little more.  Whatever I feel….

I thought I’d be irritable not having this large list of foods on this diet, but I feel clear and usually quite content.  There were times before I think I knew what it felt to be a drug addict…wanting, wanting, needing?  I would lie if I said I did not miss cheese and eggs…. I DO.  But my goal is about getting my intestinal health back into good shape….. just like the rest of me.   I have had soy and feel okay and I feel this must be because I have not had it really so much.   I am not going to start having it a lot either.  I am keeping it extremely moderate.  Like last night.  I made a small chocolate soy sundae with a couple cherries and a 1/4 of a banana…YUM.   Speaking of which I enjoyed that treat like I can not even tell you.  It was heaven!   I was slightly hungry, but I do need to watch out for the mindless night time eating.  I do not need it to creep back in.

The neatest thing about this diet, is there are times I want to eat something for shear boredom and NOTHING appeals.  Those former go to foods (corn, dariy, wheat, peanut) are the ones I can not have on this elimination/allergy diet.  So this is working out REALLY well for my weight loss.  *big smiles*  So many times I have just sat down realising, I was not hungry anyways!  Then there are times I am really hungry and I just eat something on the Can-Have-list.  All good.

Exercise is going well.  No more muffin top!!  Hip hip horray!!!  And my waist is back down to the low 30s instead of the mid 30s.  My legs are toning up and are down 1 whole inch.  LOL.  Well it’s progress.

One thing.  I want to see the documentary with Joaquin Phoenix called Earthlings.  The craziest thing is, it has been out since 2005!! Where have I been???  It’s about the treatment of animals by the world’s food producers. My problem is I feel better eating a diet that is best described as the Paleo-diet (hunter- gather, veggies, fruits, meat protein, seeds) + a vegan diet (I would normally say vegetarian because I would eat dairy and eggs, but not at the moment).  This works best for me I find.  Paleo and vegan are opposite but this is what my meals look like and I feel healthy.  But it has been brought to my attention in a very upset manner, you know who, my Big Sweet Pea, hehe, that if I watch the documentary I’ll be eating all vegan again….No!  That was not healthy for me!  Last time I changed our eating habits (though I still cooked my sweetie his meat sometimes : )  after I read Skinny Bitch and was inspired by the written text descriptions of animal treatments.  For god sakes if a hockey player goes vegetarian/soon to be vegan maybe (he says) after seeing Earthlings, well how am I suppose to resist when morally I already struggle sometimes with meat?  The fact is, I do feel better physically with a little meat.  Two to three ounces is usually enough most days out of the week.  But I really want to see it!  It’s like how they describe people gawking at a car wreck, only I can not do that.  So…….what to do.   I am at a loss.  I know I believe in the correct and human treatment of animals and this is achieved on some farms but NOT the massive farms where the majority of our animal protein comes from.  I feel conflicted.  I want to see it………………………………..  But David knows me and I do too.

Ahhh….. 7:35 AM  time to workout.  *deep breathing*

More and more I am coming on here, not my computer *frowns*, because this is still the only place I can express my weighty thought and concerns.  I think I have been talking less about things then I use to with David as things are just great in my head.  I really like where I am at.  From the outside I am sure it looks like control, but I am enjoying life, food and not worrying about this or that.  I truly have been feeling good.  But the problem is David still thinks that I am going to get all worried and stressed if I have some sugar (because he knows my goals are important to me) and I am just more relaxed then I have ever been?  What is the problem?  I think he feels guilty or fear or both because I had a bit of his sugary treat yesterday.  I perhaps should have resisted, but it was not about my goal.  I feel I will not explain this well, but I just felt good with everything and wanted to prove to myself that food/sugar was not my enemy.  And I enjoyed my entire meal and a few bites of a treat, without rushing.   I always tend to eat fast at a restaurant and I enjoyed it like it was one wonderful hour of shear bliss, because it was.  I think I liked the act of chewing really slow and experiencing every unique texture and flavor.  And I did NOT fear sugar.   I was not craving, I just was living in the moment with peace.    So I ENJOYED.  I was able to enjoy….. And I think it was a show for David too, who seemed to enjoy me eating with such intent and pleasure.  Just that thing at the end with the treat.  NOW, the day after, I understand why he was the way he was.

I am still opting for foods that do not have sweeteners, but the more I have thought about this part of my goal, the more I have felt like it is not the big thing for me.  I started this because I ate a shit load of chocolate chips.  I still could not figure that one out and I do not care.  The only thing that matters is what I choose to do with each new moment with food now.  Food and I are going to work together to achieve some greatness, but I will not be afraid.  I have been in the past, fearful I guess because of where my head has been at.  Really when I have overloaded my body with junky foods (not a judgement, just fact), I have not been able to deal well with stress and life.  But there is a balance within and I know if I can just learn confidence (a mystery!?) then I will be set.  But as it is, I feel peace with the many things that have been sources of stress in the past.

The freedom from mindless night time eating has been wonderful for me.  And I like not worrying about, well what if I am hungry!?  Well, if I am hungry, I will eat something!!!  What a concept.  I did not become overweight in my life because I ate when I was hungry.  lol.  By respecting my hunger, my metabolism does not live in fear.  Rather if rewards me with a half pound here and a half pound there, LOST.  Ok, I will take this and be thankful.  It is about the little changes after all…..

My goals are now just more like lifestyle or healthy ways of being.  Still I need to pat myself of the back, I have gone 21 days without mindless eating.  What does this mean?  Well most nights I have only had herbal teas, decaf tea, water or Caflib.  Some nights I have had fruits or veggies.  And only one night when I ate light through out the day did I absolutely need to feed my true hunger….I enjoyed that rye toast and fruit like it was heaven on a plate.  It would have been disrespectful to not eat.  Not to mention it would have been negative for me who is trying to work on the metabolism, not put it into sleep mode again.   So this is the goodness that came from some intensity yesterday.  I will take all the heated moments and joys in life as it all sculpts me into this person I am meant to be.

 What briefly came from eating more protein? - ENERGY and some weight loss (likely water loss)But the energy did not last.

So I have been thinking about labels. Labels are as dangerous as say not paying attention to the signs of mental and physical illness. So it is good to be aware and not obsess over it as with anything.

Today I am inspired by Nancy who is doing her thing and today is dealing with the food fears.  That is a huge task considering so many of us have dieted or at least been aware of food choices for SO LONG.  How does one deal with the food police in their heads?  It does start to be too much sometimes and addressing them is critical in not developing issues with food, eating disorders.

Though I danced with bulimia many years ago and got scared when my teeth started to hurt, I never was what you call a bulimic or at least an extreme case.  It was more stress induced and occassional.  Hell even a therapist said I could not be a part of the group therapy because I was not bad enough…. All righty!  lol  God, the teenage years!  But my bigger issue has been with all my health issues through out my life and then a bigger then bigger issue was the development of an eating disorder that I did not even know was an eating disorder.  It is called Orthorexia nervosa.  This is the obsession with healthy food thinking that it is the way to good or optimum health.  I have tendancies more so towards it, but still.  Yikes!  The thing is, with all obsessions, there comes stress and preoccupations with certain foods.  And if there is one thing the body does not like is the same things over and over….not even healthy food.  Enjoyment, stress reduction, reasonable nutrition, moderate exercise, fresh water, clean air and the body can usually find the balance that it desires.  But piss around with obsessions and imbalance is sure to occur. 

So, I want to eat a little more food because my senses are telling me this is right and suddenly I feel the fear.  Well Nancy jolted my thoughts this AM because she is eating a larger amount of calories and I suspect her body is telling her, “feed me! “I (her body) work so hard for you so give me some damn food!!!”  The key is listening to the voice of wisdom within and not having those thoughts in our heads forming swirling food issues.  So I feel so awesome that, yes I had a good day yesterday until the night came and then I started to feel bad for going over my approximate calorie quota, but luckily I snapped RIGHT our of it, because of a buddy, because of Buddyslim in this instance.  I mean it is good to have somewhat of a goal, otherwise no new places are discovered, but gee!  Let’s get serious about addressing the fear and NOT feeling guilty for living and enjoying some of the yummies of life. 

There is a lot of fear on this site about food.  I have these fears or thoughts sometimes.  And I am for one thankful that Nancy is addressing it like I have read no where, here or anywhere.  Thank you to Nancy for bring up food fears.  We deserve to be free of this insanity. 

Now I am off for a good breakfast and after my food settles, a nice Saturday morning interval walk.  Today will be a great day if I manage to not have shin splints!  I may just start slower then I like since this will be my first interval walk of the year. (…turned out to be a gentle walk around the river.)

It always comes back to Intuitive Eating…. live, laugh, eat consciously, move, feel well.

I hope everyone has wonderful thoughts today and if any of the junk pops in for a visit, well, swoosh them right out!  This is what I had success with today.  And peace of mind is EVERYTHING!

An article on the topic of Orthorexia nervosa:

http://www.beyondveg.com/bratman-s/hfj/hf-junkie-1a.shtml 

Sometimes you stumble onto things at just the right time in life.  You can feel the changes happening.  It is like some force in life is pulling you away from the very thing you always thought was your path.  Funny how these things happen.  Annoying and funny.  What to do, what to do in this life.  But I feel a life change.  A big change…………. What?  I do not know. 

Yes the doctor told me last year that my thyroid is fine, but my symptoms would say differently.  With a slight weight gain over the past year (15ish pounds…because I did not give up completely) and feeling as I have, I know enough to know I do not want to go back to that place.  And I saw a hint of those same symptoms reappearing only this time I am much more knowledable/intuned. 

We hear so often that eating more is often the key.  But individuals are unique and so a few will have to eat only a little if they have a health issue and a professional has suggested it, but if one is eating too low (like maybe I did, aiming for what WW suggested as around 24-26 pts for years :about 1300-1400 calories), well this can be asking for problems, unknowingly of course.  I think it goes back to the old addage…”slow and steady wins the race.”  For me, slow and steady represents what is good and healthy in reality and the race represents our minds and how we think we should get there faster then we really should.  The fast weight loss truly is not something, I have seen with myself and some buddies, that can be maintained.   I really have been here for a long time and this is what I have witnessed of many and myself.  Slower really is the best answer for many of us.  It is a nasty feeling to lose, get to goal and then gain.  And why we ask?  But so often it is not the choices we make (though it is easy to slip back into the old junky habits, true) but rather it is a metabolism that revolts a bit. 

http://thyroid.about.com/cs/dietweightloss/a/eatingenough.htm

There is an equation in this link that is just awesome!  Maybe….lol  Here it is:

Current Weight, in Pounds _____
Divide above by 2.2 _____
Multiply result by 25 _____ (For a person w/ a normal thyroid, multiply by 30)
Subtract 200 for “Thyroid Factor” -200 (-500 to lose 1 lb/wk for those who have a normal thyroid)
Calories Per Day for Weight Loss _____
Divide by 300 = # of 300-calorie “mini-meals” Per Day _____

And of course plenty of exercise. 

I am also curious how age plays into this.  Also how does this affect one who is really obese or inactive?  I have no idea.

I will update when it has been a suffiecient amount of time to really tell.

I am estimating my calories for each of the 6 meals per day as I can NOT quite get into the lifestyle of keeping track of the caloires.  I know I am aiming for about 300 calories/meal which seems like a lot for snacks…lol  :)  - but it really isn’t when keeping active.  Intuitive Eating will play a role, because I do not see myself stuffing myself to meet the 300 goal.  If I am full, I will stop.  And if I am not hungry, I will not eat.  And what to eat and what to avoid is actually ingrained and natural to my thinking…a more hypothyroid type diet mostly.  Thank god I feel patient.  If I was learning this all at once, I might go insane.  Nope, no insanity here.  I am giving it a whirl.  I do not care if I lose 2 lbs per month.  If fact, for myself, this might be the healthiest speed.  Plenty of exercise of course too.  Time will tell. I feel happy, motivated and healthy.  Now, off to work out. Happy Easter Weekend…..Have a great day Everyone!

 So it was a night for the spirit.  I was really impressed with the Nickelback concert.  We had these tickets since before Christmas and it was such a treat.  Granted, I had no hearing for about 3 hours after the concert, but hey you only live once.  No complaining.  I am onlying seeing the beauty and heat of the night.  WOW, I have not seen that much fire in an enclosed building EVER!  WOW!!!   I am so glad that I am not young and hung over like so many…. MY GAWD!  The beer and more beer and more beer….

The big band with a moving sound from little Hanna, Alberta.  They still make me move better when I have weights in my hands.  :) 

 Yesterday was a weird day for the Eats, but it was fun to just be free.  Still I ate to the point of being satisfied and stopped.  It was a really fine day for sure with Dim Sum being the main fun meal.  My fave… the shrimp!

It is a new day to eat veggies.  The closest thing to a veggie I ate yesterday was mushrooms.  Had a grapefruit and half a pear.  I swear, I feel awesome today, the day after.  Still, my body is saying a few veggies please!!!  And yes another steamed pork bun too please!  Like a child.  “No, you had one and a half yesterday.  You are good for awhile.  Now eat some balanced meals.”

And how can something so white, taste so good?  Treats.  Mine was a steamed pork bun.  YUM.

In a book I was reading the other day, the author stated that though she has a view that is optimum eating for most, she could not fault a friend who ate what ever the heck he wanted, BUT he just did not become toxic by over eating.  He stopped at That Point, when the body is saying DONE, even though the mouth is saying MORE PLEASE (now).  So.  It was a yummy day where I did not think so much.  I felt life and lived it.  But I feel that I must give my intuition the respect it deserves too.  Everything in me is telling me to respect how I have not been feeling so well again and DO SOMETHING…. gently and with a smile.  A real one….. 

And not be obsessed with that oral fixation that rules the emptiness!!! 

Note to self:  I was not breast fed as a baby!  I recieved a cow milk formula and so when I want love, I crave dairy.  Realising this, I HAVE BEEN NOT craving dairy.  Chocolate is not dairy right?  Well that is George, not me.  LOL

My spider senses are telling me to respect the changes in my body and lack there of.  Use what I know and see if it works.  Something came over me yesterday AM.  It was kind of a little turning point.  I have learned enough in my studies to not cause me to feel insane with the unknown.  Sure I do not know everything and I never will.  But when it comes to my health I have often been confused.  But so what if I was not breast fed and did not acquire the benefits and so what if I have health issues and have to eat better it would seem then some.  I have what I have and I better be thanful for it.  AND I AM.  I am so thankful and so much more at peace with just Being.  If something does not work, if I want to try 7 jobs before I find the thing that makes me happy, SO WHAT.  Just try.  Just relax and enjoy the new.  Where is this all coming from?  I found peace this week in my lack of progress!  Then it came to me in the stillness of a Saturday morning.  Not having success and not having one bloody answer made it okay to just Be and know that trying something was something New.  And it too would lead me somewhere else.  Now, this is a calm I could get use to…… Ha.  Until life ruffles my feathers, AGAIN.   Ok.

I will take it!

Off to spend a relaxing day with my two sweeties……

Quiz:

What is Jennifer’s favorite concert she has ever seen?

a)Bon Jovi  b)James Blunt  c)Beyonce  d)Nickelback  e)Metallica  f)all of the times I have seen Bif Naked  g)the couple times I have seen The Tea Party  h)New Kids on the Block (in the 90s…lol)  i)Jann Arden  j)Def Leppard

 THE ANSWER - James Blunt….. oh yes!  YES, yes, Yes, YES!  And, Bif.  I love my Bif.  Boy though as I think about it, they all were fantastic moments in time.