Jenn

I just feel somewhat lost today. I really really wish to lose these last few. And that is why I joined the team - motivation. But I can not find that which is only located from within. Well this realization is tough, because like I said, I feel lost. Team spirit detests this kind of thought. But this is me. I do not fit in ANYWHERE.

This diet that I new was crap really went out the window last night and thank goodness for this. I really enjoyed the great outdoors and some regular, fun, fast food last night. I refuse to think it was BAD…. I have no room for negativity as I need to find the Jenn who is moderate, really moderate. I know that extreme dieting is not good and I do not know what I was thinking doing it…. so ridiculous when I know all that is important is good health and it IS NOT achieved with radical diets, no matter how much I tweak it…lol Intuitive eating and The Zen of Eating are great guides. But I started to be anxious about goal not reaching my goal. I think lately I have been letting go a little and fear crept in. Like it would be the worst thing in the world to not diet?!? What if I just ate well, exercise, slept and dealt with all things stressful in a helpful way? What if I did not use my health issues as the reason to lose weight? What if I calmed the heck down and ENJOYED THE FREAKING MOMENT….. ha!

I have come to some new conclusions about food and health (through my own thinking and some reading). It is not so much what we eat that will keep us healthy, but it is what state our mind is in when we are eating and how we are eating. Real food is of course ideal, but stressfully eating healthy food and putting crazy pressure on our bodies is not a way to achieve optimum health. Perhaps it is this desire for peace within that is hindering me. I am just trying to hard, when I just need to stop. Smell, appreciate, enjoy…

Geocaching has actually brought me to a greater understanding of how I eat. Sometimes lately we have been out and about looking for treasure, but the goal did not distract us from the beauty of nature, the Moment. A couple times I have really just enjoyed where I was at, but then other times when we were out and about it was rushed, it was dark and we were hungry and moody. So, these are not the conditions to be enjoying an experience. And so back to diet and food…. One just has to be with them self and the food and the breath and the chewing. Before that food goes into my mouth I am going to consciously be aware of my mood, my state of mind, my emotions….my food. This is not something I have been able to maintain for any length of time…a journal for my emotions and food. YEh that requires me to get real with what usually wished to be stuffed down and down and down….. But I am taking a small notebook and I am going to write about my emotional connection to food for just 3 days. I have no plans. I do not know if I will continue or if I will give up. Like I so often feel I give up on everything! But 3 DAYS. I know George is coming and these emotions are somewhat connected to his visit, but I am tired of the constant BLAME game. Tis time to get real and be at ease because there is too much goodness to miss. Oh yeh, no dieting… just eating reasonably for my hunger.

I am cleaning the entire condo today because things have gotten forgotten around here with us being so adventurous. Well I look forward to even the mundane today. Laundry, vacuuming and gathering some items for Good Will. The rain is cheering up my herbs and I too feel so much better for getting this all off my chest. This is me, enjoying the everyday. Ok, I am smiling now.
This is still a nice place to be when I remember that this blogging space is mine.

As for Buddyslim, we are a neat little community that goes through a lot sometimes. I wish everyone the best and I hope that you are creatively seeing a way that suites your mind, your body and your spirit.

*wink*

So some health issues have been making me a tad moody lately. I am on the mend. (Evil excessive sugar, and it is evil!!! lol Especially when it is ME + sugar!) I am keep portions in mind but I am letting go of the journaling (precise points) and the perfectionist attitude. Journaling has REALLY helped me in the past and without WW I would not be here, but it is no longer serving a purpose. It has really been reaping havoc on my wellness. So, I will try this for awhile and of course I am keeping up with my activity. Focusing on variety and getting my strength workouts in.

I wish you all a great week. Thank you to all my sweet buddies who responded to my last blog. What would I ever do with out your mindfulness and compassion? Cheers to all who are struggling and all who are helping out out your fellow buddies. YOU ALL ARE SO AMAZING!

*hugs*

My weight has slowly been going up since Christmas. And now I sit at 161. I have been freaking everytime I get on the scale and it determines my mood completely. This is not good for me. So, my dear boyfriend and I are weighing in once a week (this will be really hard for me because it has become a little/big unproductive habit) and Sunday is hard, but what ever. The day really does not matter as I figure I have weighed in on all the days officially and ALL THAT MATTERS is living each day and BEING REASONABLE. Last night we both wanted pizza and knowing that I would be weighing in, it did give me a nervous feeling for a minute. But then it occurred to me, I do not want to live in fear of the scale. So, I ate my two pieces of vegetarian pizza (would have had chicken but it was not an option) and I was famished yesterday so we shared the best piece of pie. No guilt, shear pleasure to just share! It was fun and relaxing. Finished supper and I had nothing else after. Just tea, oh and a maltitol peppermint candy. It felt good to go to bed satisfied and not having anything in my stomach. The meal felt complete so why would I need anything more! (BTW, very cool to see that Stevia and alcohol sugars were mentioned on The View the other day as being the “new” sweeteners….lol Nice to see some good alternatives to the really old and not so healthy.)

Sure it sucked to change my ticker, but I did not change it the previous couple times. I just tried to get back. Then somedays it is really low, like yesterday I felt like I maintained. LOL - Whatever! I am going to really take some of the wise words of many of my buddies and not be so concerned about that scale. I want to do the best that I can and enjoy each moment. Activity is my best pal and will ultimately get me to my goal and will help me maintain. I know I will get there someday! I know food/beverages/salt so well and what will do what to my body but I just want to be, yes, level-headed.

I think that I have to not be here so much. I do not even know what this means.  I love this place. I feel like you ladies are the only people who understand me. It is a weird thing to feel like you always have a good friend when you come onto this site. Well, it has been busy and it is going to continue to be this way. So I have to change my priorities a little. I just am letting somethings go in my life and it is causing some stress. I know it is small, but it makes me crazy when the place becomes a disaster or I do not even cook so much. Though I did create a great new soup….. will share in a moment

So, being focussed on my weight loss and this site has not gotten me to where I want to be. Not sure where this is, but I have to try and not think about the numbers. I know what I need to do. I am getting hives just thinking about change….. I hate change. But watching a tough and interesting movie last night (Black Snake Moan) I realized that change is possible. Incidently, looking for a different movie and a great one, JUNO ! Amazing movie. It better win big at any and all the awards…. Look at me change the subject. Oh yeh I am the Queen at this one.

So, what does this mean? Well I am setting no restrictions so I will be here when I can. You all are so wonderful and I am so thankful for you. But I think I avoid my life because this place is safe. That seems a little “off” to me. I do not know what any of the answers are, but I will just aim for the unknown, try and change for the better and maybe I can feel good about my life. No fear LOL ladies, I will still be here because I have made commitments to some. This is one of the most important things/places I have ever stumbled upon. Thank you for bringing me into the light, sharing your stories and providing endless support. Where would I be without this place? Yikes. *hugs*

The soup, a creamed celery and mushroom soup. I blended brown mushrooms (could be white, but I find the brown are more flavorful), celery and then I used organic chicken stock in blender and it was SO creamy! It never did separate like I thought it might. Lightly sated some onions and garlic in a pot, and then added the blended veggies (could use what ever veggies), herbs (dill, thyme, basil, lots of pepper, a little sea salt), then more cut up mushrooms, celery. I added separate bunches of the celery at different times so there was different levels of tenderness. I like a bit of crunch, that is just me. But cooked celery always tastes so good to me. Then I added more stock, 1/4 cup of grated Asiago cheese and 1/6 of a cup of milk powder. I kept the temperature of the pot at medium and cooked things relatively quickly and did not cook too long. Wanted to keep as many nutrients still present by not cooking it too high or for too long. YUM! - the whole pot of soup was 5 points!!! Made 2 servings

Work was incredibly strange yesterday. My client may have an infection and is hallucinating. Very strange to be around the delusional, LET ME TELL YOU! Hope today is better since she will have taken 3 antibiotics. *fingers crossed*

Need to share a quick revelation I had. Food yesterday became the enemy, well it felt like that. By avoiding foods and seeing foods even for a brief time as “bad” I have in the past couple of days started to want the not so good and not even want the healthy foods that I usually want (I COULD NOT EAT VEGGIES YESTERDAY? LOL… Call the insane asylum because I think I have lost it myself ) But seriously, I figure that since I have been home I have been wanting those things that I told myself were bad over Christmas. Whether it is mental or chemical (both?) I do not know, but I KNOW that keeping a balanced approach to my intake is essential for controlling cravings. I will not be denying myself anything. It is all about moderation and balance.

I started to think about the little food fantasy I had the other day with the red wine, cheese, fruit, dark chocolate and meat of some kind (chicken, beef, shrimp…whatever) for our treat meal. WHY was it such an intense fantasy and why did I want it so bad? All those foods have nutritional value and though some have more then others, they are nonetheless good. Thinking that they were naughty foods made them appealing but it did not make them evil. Sure the wine and the cheese are sometimes foods, not everyday food/drink, but labels only create havoc in my head. I found my Good Place last night when yesterday I was wanting wanting wanting and realized this is about keeping things real and level. No doubt over the latter part of my holidays when I was denying myself good and a little not so healthy fat, my body felt a little fearful or lacking. Because since I have been home it has been ALL ABOUT THE FAT. Well I know why and things are going to be just fine.

Things happen always at the right time I think. There are no mistakes I have heard people say. With 30 minutes left in my shift, why is it that I turned to a channel I never watch to watch a show I have never seen about people who overeat. Not sure what the program was, but I believe it was on TLC. Very interesting. Within 10 minutes I had unraveled my cravings and the reasons. I had so much in common with them except that I have learned a few things about myself over the years. Like when I am around people with food issues, mine that I fight so hard to deal with are SO CLOSE to me. They never go away. But luckily when I am just with myself, I can see the light and feel good again.

For the life of me I can not tell you why I ate when stressed in high school. Just not sure. But on the show experts said that it can be a learned behavior and certainly I have seen my Mom do it. Stuff and stuff and stuff more food. Well I have had that urge since I have been home and it’s a desire that I could not stop UNTIL I saw 600-800 lb people (some bed ridden) talking about their uncontrollable urges and their lives. My unhealthy desires are gone!

Recognition.

Moderation & Balance.

I tried to not make this long, but it may be my therapy…lol I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I say this, because I contemplate the meaning of “holiday”, I see it as a huge joke. A bad joke, but nevertheless, a joke.

What was good ? When ever I could and I tried to make it happen more often then not, I WORKED OUT. Great for stress and great for my behind. The scale says I maintained and I am weighing in tomorrow.

I will say that the part with my family was pretty darn fine actually. We ate and boy did I eat junk, but it was fun. It was all fun and I do not recall any sadness. We played A LOT of Settlers of Catan which was awesome. My Mom is in love wtih it. I did witness my Mom’s excessive food consumption but did not make a thing out of it in my mind. Made me sad to see so much butter go into her body at once with a poppyseed bun that I suggested we make *sigh* I kind of just let it go. She is who she is and I just have to love her, even with her choices. Choices. Yes.

As for my boyfriends family…… They work dysfunctionally and functionally well WITH EACH OTHER. Confusing I know. Anyone outside of their family really just shakes their head or drinks along with them.

My boyfriend’s Mom - OBSESSESED with what OTHER’S are eating to the point of criticizing even healthy choices. She likes to think she knows about food but criticizes everything. I was very aware of this fact before going there and spent the majority of my so called holidays hungry. Thank the gods I took healthy snacks that I could munch on in secret (not my style but this was the way it was). 4 Times she criticized me and once I said” I KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH I EAT AND IT IS NOT SO MUCH” I said it in a way that really was the first time I have said anything to any one in that nutty family in such a tone. I really do not like labels, but really they are a bowl of mixed nuts. Last years nuts! SO what did she do, well it was just she and myself at the time and she left nervous and shaken to gamble at the Casino. What I really wish I would have said was ” How about you worry about your ass and I will worry about my now smaller ass!” But I took the high road and got my point across with a rather impressive tone. Still the stupidity, she was still commenting on the last day about I best not take too much oatmeal or I might be sick in the car ride home. WTF! Shear stupidity!

My Boyfriend’s sister - Eat disorder for sure, bulimic in the past and most certainly something is still going on. I decided before the trip that she is an attention seeking sad young lady, but she is not my problem to solve. She likes control and she can have it. She told me I have such amazing control. No. For the first part of the trip I ate NORMAL and healthy there. Eating good meals and having half or no dessert. I get her as at different moments in my past life (feels like that sometimes) I have been just like her. But I will never destroy myself like I feel she is doing to herself. And when you see the power on this girls face and in her eyes, you would know too, NOTHING will stop her from living the life she desires for herself. And so, I can not solve everything. All I could do there then was try and not sink down into that toxic pit of a family. It kind of makes me think about the past choices I have made and the choices I will make for myself in the future. Oh and with this girl, very nice and giving around her family and then snippy and like her mom when just with me. Nice and healthy minded individuals you see.

But then I just went into myself and was sad. I know I should just feel confident that I know what is best for me but it is difficult to be around poison. From now on I am going to remember how much more difficult it is to be around toxic people then it is to be around toxic food. Food I can deal with. If it is something I love I am going really think about if I REALLY want it or not. I am not sorry to say that I am throwing out numerous foods that I do not even want to look at. I froze some turkey and my mom sent home some mandarin oranges on the way back (had to pick up my dear fury boy, Oscar Meyer) The rest is going bye bye….. Both my mom and his mom gave him some sweets and that is that. Not my crap.

Then next couple of days/weeks I just want to get back to the good relationship I have learned to have with food. Clean eating!!! Resentment is also something I do not want to have for my boyfriend. That would not be fair. They are never rude with me in front of him. And I do not want to make a thing out of everything. But he is not like them. He retreats, ignores and is the most quiet out of them all. He goes out of obligation and to have that sense of family that we all desire. With all of my dysfunction within my family, I really appreciated what I have. It may not be much, but it is something that I can at least work with. Sometimes you need to see the dirt and clutter before you can feel clean and good inside.

Well this is a new day and tomorrow is a New Year. And it time to make this the life I want. Not sure what any of this means. But this is my life and I will by traveling the path I desire. It will be interesting to see where this path goes.

David just asked me now if I mentioned the good parts… I bet some of my buddies would rather hear about this. So I will write all about the good things in my next blog, but now I want a healthy breakfast. Thanks for reading. It was really about getting it off my chest. Bad stuff out….. Good stuff in !!! Oh the best was hanging out with David’s friend and his wife and eating East Indian and then working out with their Wii. FUN TIMES. I do detest those darn rabbits though. Loved tennis, volleyball, boxing, bowling and baseball !!!!

I love you so much my buddies. I had so many people’s hearts and faces in my heart and on my mind during this trip and YOU all kept me sane. You and my workouts were my blessings and I am so thankful for your present in my life. I was really difficult to stay well in my mind all the time. But I feel I did better then I would have with out you wonderful strong and supportive people. Yes, sappy Jenn is back. She was not her true self when she was away. Cheers to us. Cheers to you. *hugs*

[I try and understand EVERYONE so that I can be a more compassionate person. But I need to take better care of myself this year. I need to be less of a bunny and more of a force in my world. *working on it*]

LOL…. THIS is not brief for me, just so we know

I have a buddy on my list and she reached her goal and I thought, “wow is she thin!” And I guess by looking at my pictures one might think this too. I am 5′8″ and have always carried my weight pretty well even when I was high on that scale. Heaviness no matter how you look can still be way to much weight on the joints though. So I see my pictures and I am not blind, I see bones, good grief! So I guess I am working on my legs more in balance with all aspects of good fitness. I have excess weight and skin still on my legs and it may take time beyond my goal weight. That is fine. I just thought I would address this. I do not feel the need to hide my boniness. I heard this weekend from that perhaps bulimic relative that she wears clothes to hide these features. Well, I shall not hide. Rather I am just going to work on things in a healthy patient way. It can seem so hard when you seem so close, but I commit to doing things healthy and not becoming obsessive. I could completely feel myself going in that direction (ED) when I was around her. I mean I felt bad for wearing my tighter jeans after some of her comments. We must address this because weight loss does NOT have to mean obsessive and unhealthy behavior. Having a goal is one thing, but getting all weird with our selves has to be addressed and dead-headed !!! Just some random thoughts