Jennifer

All right, it feel’s completely normal to be back.  I have been gone for over 2 months.  That is a record for the chick who use to be on every day.  But I missed feeling like people just understood the journey and the struggles.  I would like to be more reliant on myself and not have that neediness, but there is something special about people who just feel similar to myself.  I did not feel like I could speak about my weightloss journey on another site.  So what good is that, if you can not be who you are and say what you want to say?!?

Well, I was not going to change my ticker as motivation, but I want to be real.  So, I changed it.  No biggie at all.  I know I am not comfortable so I will naturally and slowly find a more comfortable place for this body.

I am not over-talking/writing about what I want to do or what I am going to do.  I am just trying to make some realistic adjustments as I have stepped backwards and that is not a good place to be going.  No more. 

Feeding my emotions as I have learned is ok, as long as there is some portion control.  No guilt.  Just eat and savor.  But this is my affirmation.  I love myself and food is (not the answer), it’s fuel and it can be fun.  And activity is a MUST.  How could I forget that?

My hormones are really needing some consistancy in all areas and so this is what I will do.  I will do my body right!  And there is no need to write about it and converse really about it.  It just knows what it needs.  So I will obey!  My body knows best.

Today I say that I am sorry to My Body, because I have treated You poorly in the past few weeks.  And so, if You will forgive me and reward my efforts, I think we will be great…. mind, body and soul.

Note: It says my comments are turned off.  I can not recall where that setting is and I have looked.  Oh well.  Life goes on. 

Pros and Cons of my two me’s 

The Gentle Me

PROS-forgiving, not obsessive, non-judgemental, focus is subtle but effective,

CONS-seems to not be as affective, seemingly without focus, it takes more effort to overcome the negative thoughts

          - it’s possible to get off track due to emotions and it seems nearly impossible to regain the focus again……

….which leads me to thinking about…….

The Diet Dominatrix

Pros- easier to just listen to a strong and strict voice, effective for some time, seems fun at first, it’s easier when life is tough and confusing because I do not have to work at things as I can do what someone has said is the right way.  Truth be told, there is only one way and that is MY way… whatever the heck that means 

Cons-It is not healthy to be so restrictive, it does not teach me to be gentle with myself, not forgiving, when she says “no” I want, fighting eventually turns volatile, negative views of food and possibly exercise. 

So I know where I need to go.  Get back on my path, realise what I want and just gently find a way…If I stray, gently escort the annoying dominatrix voices out of my head and welcome sanity and my gentle me back in. 

How strange it is that when stressed I have been craving sugary foods for comfort, but the last thing the body needs is sugar in stressful times as both stress and sugar deplete the body of vitamin Bs.   Less Bs, more depression and an inability to deal well with more stress…… hmmm…… It’s hard not to think of sugar as evil.  It just seems that in our society, more is always better.  More, more, more……  

But we are consumed with something.  No matter what it is, there is ALWAYS something that takes us away from our center of greatness.   Unless, the picture is clear.  And it seems the picture is rarely clear….. *sigh* 

Today I re-learned that happiness is within.  Sure sure I have heard this, but how many times do I look and continue to look for that thing that is not in another person and can not be give to me from another.  Happiness is mine, for me, from me.  Funny how you can look and look and become more lost in a forest of unknown.   And then suddenly I am lost in my food, unable to enjoy, because it would seem the world is spinning all around like a massive rollercoaster.  Nope, there has got to be another way…  A return to the Gentle and working on that old self respect and love….

I became empty when I looked outside of me for something more.  This seems strange to me.  Love. 

My mind is a mysterious maze today.  I am taking the day off from thinking. 

I do not really read blogs here anymore and hence I am no longer the buddy I once was.  I am finding that the words out there in Buddyland feed my Diet Dominatrix, and frankly that bitch needs to reduce even more then me!  You know, for my own good.

I feel so wonderful !!!!   Off to create something sensually appealing in my kitchen and have a good day.  Hope a few others out there are re-discovering their great selves and creating some interesting new paths.

SO, people promoting organic foods have NEVER claimed that the nutritional value of the food is any better then non organic.  I mean I have not heard or read this.

Fruit and vegetables, regardless of how we try to interfer with their greatness still have similar or the same vitamins and minerals.  Ok…..

Food that must travel a long distance will always have their enzymes inhibited so that they remain fresher and this is not ideal.   Our bodies are in need of these enzymes for good digestion and good health.   But again, one does what they can.  Eating as much raw foods as possible, and maybe local is an option, is ideal.  But one thing, it can become a little overwhelming to worry about food all the time.  Trust me, I know!   Much better to relax and impliment newness slowly.  And also with the knowledge that there are no certainties in life.  I think for me, less stress is just a better way to live.  Living perfectly with the hopes that the rewards will be ideal only creates internal stress.  SO Relax……..hehe.  No kidding!  Yah….. love those breakthroughs.

So what a useless article in my opionion put out by the British and found in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.  I am sure it’s not.   I can not wait to read the actual artical to see who funded the study.  Laughable!  Well I am pre-judging it only to be confrontational.  lol  But it’s good to think!! and not just believe.  I have read studies that prove their point but are not at all logical.  I look forward to actually reading it.  I refuse to pay for it though.  :P  (ok… it was funded by the UK Food Standards Agency.)

The best food is food that is grown with the least chemicals (no chemicals would be ideal, ya know it that ideal world we all dream of…lol)  and the food that also has the least chemicals added to it.  No chemicals is even better!!!  Chemicals may not have a short term effect on the body as most healthy bodies can deal pretty well at clearing these substances from the body.  Still it is best to avoid chemicals as we are around them where ever we go.  Why not avoid if possible?  The less stress (chemical, excess physical and emotional) we put on our bodies the better off our health will be.

I think we are doing very well if we are eating as much whole foods as we can and enjoying them in all their loveliness.  Throughly washed non organic or washed organic produce is better then any food that is altered.  Any attempt to eat whole instead of processed foods is a great way to feel lighter, happier and healthier.

Convenience food or whole food preparation?  I respect this dilemma, but health has to be somewhere on our top 5 things to do, no? And then there is always balance with everything….

I tried my first persimmon today!!! Yum.  Thank you to some U.S. farmer or likely some large production company.  LOVED the fleshy texture and it’t slight sweetness…YUM.  It went so well with my B.C. blueberries.  This is our world.

Ahhhhhh, someday I will have a little garden of yummies…..

So, it’s been 18 days since officially weighing in and I am down ONE POUND.  YAH!!!  Though I thought it might have been more, I will take it!  169 just puts a smile on my face.  Nothing has been easy, accept I am not judging myself when I eat anything so this makes living pleasant.  I am eating healthy the majority of the time opting for real and whole food most often.  The old habits of extreme “good” foods followed by multiple treats and sweets are no more.  This new way of listeing to what my body wants and only eating when hungry (SLOWLY…still must be aware of this) has me feeling healthy in mind, body and my little spirit.   I still have stressors of course, but myabe I am enjoying the moments a little more.  I am seeing and feeling the present certainly more.  This is something I strived for but somehow did not achieve so well.  If anyone asks about my future, I can only wonder if they know theirs and are trying to avoid their thoughts of the unknown.  Or maybe they are just curious as I am so darn slow…lol   The future now seems to be the scaries thing of all.  I am conquering other fears I think, but the future still will get me sweating if I do not FOCUS….hehe   If I don’t see my Now, I will never get what I want later.

I joke with the scale when ever I want which is more then I have and savor dark chocolate.  Ha!  My mini goal is 9 pounds away.  I am so competitive with my self it’s not even funny.  But the difference now is that there is no judgement or any other kind of self abuse - NO nasty words except when I want a laughable spanking.  Should work on never saying “my thighs are fat” (they are compared to the rest of myself and this is just fact) and there are certain funnies that should never leave the playground.  And really it is good to be playful with myself I am finding.  Haha…. Still it will be one of my goals in life to always share THAT WE MUST LOVE OURSELVES, first and usually.  Always is just a tough and unrealistic goal.  I believe staying positive will assist the body on any of it’s many endevours though.

My mini goal may be a healthy weight for me, I am not sure.  For the longest time I was my only hindrance.  But I FINALLY have me as my biggest supporter. I thought at times I had me, but I didn’t.  And when I did not have me, I needed this site.  I am so very thankful for the most wonderful hearts out there who just inspire and try…try different things even, like listening to their own precious bodies.  Eventually what works becomes evident and it’s different for all.  And when it’s no longer a battle, life seems to feel like a new beginning.  I am really feeling this.  Such a girl I am, all teary….  Where I have been in my mind and where I am now in my mind are centuries apart and for this growth I am thankful to all my buddies and teachers for without you sharing your wisdom over the years, I would still be stuck I am sure.  I am unstuck and I am free of that old and tiresome battle.  I say this now as I have never achieved that balance within myself.  I desired it and so I have spoke of it’s loveliness often, but did not know.  I feel like I can deal with anything.  Now isn’t this The Life, as it is truly going to give it to me now!  Hehe… little early AM sarcasm.

Note on physical accomplishments- I can do a number of lunges when my body tells me to and this is assisting with the definition in my legs and behind.  This is a huge deal and is my greatest indicator that I am physically balanced.  Last year I could not do this.  My knees were crinkly in sound  and weak.  But doing things like cardio, strength training, walking and flexibility like yoga and pilates (a moderate amount…NOT hours and hours) type movements and just getting everything together in my life is really helping.  By this I mean dealing with the propper way to eat for myself and thinking better…hehe.   I still smile as I recall a young man who I met once who was not the smartest but he was still smarter then most that I have known.  He said, “just think right!”  That was the answer, but I had to discover the path.   The CD is my saving grace and I will be using more of Paul McKenna’s CDs as I tackle more of my minds complexities and entanglements.   Should be completely entertaining as I struggle with new things that are not weight related….  Really laughable.  That will be my goal- to live life light-heartedly and to welcome newness and joy.Peace!

When it seems like things are so freaking crappy, there is still BS to vent on.  I have had a couple poor days, but I just do not want to start the week negatively.  It’s occured to me, I am growing as a person and I feel good about what is going on in my head and heart.  But sometimes it seems that everyone around me has different ideas.  What will come next?  Will I be able to breathe and not get emotional over the fact that the people in my world are wanting things that are completely different than myself.  I want what I want and today I make every effort to block out the toxins that have plagued me for so long.  Well I guess it’s good to release them and find the peace.  No matter what.

Today I will feed myself as my body requires.   The frack I will let other peoples Ideas lead me into the kitchen of hell where I have practicly lived my life in trying to find comfort.  It does not even matter what people want.  The only thing that matters in this moment is me not letting the stress of yesterday ooze into MY MONDAY, today.  This is my life and I really need to start feeling powerful in my life.  I need to NOT close any doors.  Only I can stop myself.  Only I can move forward.   No one’s ideas or hopes will shatter me.    Why have I let this happen so often? That disempowering kind of thinking is so leaving my mind.   It may not happen like *snap* that, but this is the first time that I am mad, not weak, with how other people’s issues affect me.  Why would I do that?  Why would I try to be something that I am not ?

What do I want?  OK

What do I want for today?   I know where the power is….within me!  No kidding.  Why would that become so unclear in life?  So eat for me and my health and get onto the business of the day, because this is what the universe desires of me.  There is no telling where I might be in my life someday.  But I can only get there if I live well now.

Today’s no thinking menu:  (s0 I just do  not chose some cold cereal because I feel lazy)

B-Spinach shake, egg salad w/ bread and butter pickles on a cibatta bread

L-veggie chili soup and salad, couple olives

S-Franks chicken and sweet potato fries, mixed beans and carrots, raw celery

sn? whatever for hunger

Special attention to complex carbs today as I know, to not do so would be a way for me to only feel weak and become depressed.  I have no time for this.  Feeding the body so it will give me good results…

Beautiful, intense song for those who appreciate the greatness of the one and only Eminem.  Maynot want to listen to this if you are depressed.  I love the song, but when sad, Josh Grobin is such a better choice.  Dreamy……..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAw9axFwzvU

Peace to me, peace to you.

Had a bit of a tough go lately with eating too fast which slow eating is key to my success.  My mind seems to be everywhere, but not so much on the enjoyment.  Well not today.  Today I make food awareness and pleasure a part of the routine!  Fresh, fresh, fresh food.  Now what is there not to love!

And a thank you to a friend who said to me and I am paraphrasing, ‘you had this kind of a day (yesterday, not ideal), but you are going to have a more balanced day tomorrow, right?! ‘  Hehe….. very nice one!!   *HUGE smiles*

Wishing everyone a peaceful and happy day….

Tea cheers to you.

I have been doubting myself all my life and of course this also spill into eating.  I have struggled so much with diet and what is right or what is maybe not so ideal for weight loss/health and then finally through the help of a friend and by listening to my inner self with the help of my friend Paul (lol…he feels like a friend now as I listen to his CD every day), I know what is right for me.  Nothing a little light hypnosis won’t cure!  Well it has for me.  *knocks on wood*  Well I am always dramatic and excited about something that is working.  But eating only when hungry, stopping when content and enjoying the foods I want to eat, real food, is just working.  There is a freedom that I have never experienced.  My mind is quiet, at least with food anyways.  I have been searching for a type of wisdom that is outside of me and Paul McKenna helped me to find this strength in me.  I followed his principles before (I can make you thin… kind of laughable just to write the words) but I did not have the tools/book or the CD so I gave up.  His words now spill into me everyday and they will as he suggests, for 2 weeks.  What a change!

This AM I was stressed but it was a different feeling.  I felt it while I prepared some homemade garlic herb foccacia bread topped with Kalamata olives.  Kneading the dough was a good help too…hehe.   And the stress disappeared and the peace came back.   No matter what happens outside of me, I always have the will to find my center, feel me and do what is right for me.  And so each food I eat is an offering of peace and energy and it is savoured of course with out judgement.  It just IS.  And this is something I pray sticks.  It is natural and it is with out bullshit brainwashing.  Still there will always be a part of me that knows that fruit and flax oil are better choices then simple sugar and potato chips.   And the body will crave fat in any form when it needs the helpful fats.   Still when I have those delights, my goal is to treat them as such and not criticize.  Only the body knows what is true.  Says my teaching self to my student self.

It is funny how the fear of the loss of someone special or not losing fat can make you do incredibly stupid things.  Blah! 

“In Buddhism, there is a practice called “Touching the Earth” that can help us realize our wish to generate the energies of love, compassion, joy, and equanimity. During the practice, we touch the Earth deeply six times, surrendering ourselves to the Earth and to our own true nature. We touch the Earth with our forehead, our two legs, and our two hands, so that our mind and body form a perfect whole, allowing us to tanscend our small self. We surrender our pride, notions, fears, resentments, and even our hopes, and enter the world of “things as they are.” Touching the Earth is an effective yogic practice. We return to our own source of wisdom and are no longer separate and apart from our Mother Earth.”

-From Teaching Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh

Just listening to Black Uhuru’s Party Next Door.   Nothing feels as sexy as music that just makes you move with seemingly no effort.  Fun.

….the number until I reach my mini goal.  One down.

Strength Contract will be completed by tomorrow, though I did not exercise everyday, no kidding, I did all right.  Posted on a previous blog.

Onward and hopefully downward with a renewed interest in pilates and yoga.  I am looking into taking a class, one or the other.  Will see about the cost and types.  But this will be something I do that is outside my comfort box.  Until I take a class I have a stack of DVDs to help create my body.

One cool thing, when I started here at BS I bought an on-sale satin camosole that I was sure would fit and it did not.  Well it sat in my drawer for a long time, then last week I tried it on for shits and giggles and wow, it is no longer tight around my rib cage.  IT FITS!  I am stoked!  :P  Yah for good surprises.

Most things that happen are really just not worth fretting over.  This week I work even a little more on not sweating the small stuff.

Who says you can’t send a booster note to yourself….lol  Well technically you can’t, but it is the little things we do for ourselves and the positive affirmations to ourselves.  Or even last week when I took note of what I wanted to say to myself and I said I wanted to avoid the negative words in my head.  All these things matter.  And I was not perfect at keeping the negative out.  But I have some new tricks up my sleeve.  Nothing will stop me from creating my best self in mind, body and spirit.  But my efforts come with a gentle touch and this is most soothing to me.

So, my countdown to my mini goal is on.  WW is good again.  It seems fresh and though I know it will bug me at some point, I am putting my big girl panties on (they still are fun though) and remembering to love myself, enjoy life and adhere to portions.  Of course the points were over this weekend and I enjoyed a little TOO much.  But even going over a little, ok a lot is still better then watching things skid completely off the path meal after meal.  This week more Balance and listening to my hunger.  This week I reward my body with healthy choices.  I am such a broken record!!!!

I want to give thanks for all that this body does for me and want to show it, good eats and respect.  This past week was such a scary week with the loss of Michael Jackson and it has had me thinking about my Grandmother whom I never met.  She died of heart problems when my Mom was 13 years old and sometimes lately I feel my heart is sad and over stressed.  So I am going to take note of my body signals and intuitively do what is best for me.

I use to do the unusual things, the fun things and did not care about anything that people thought.  Well I have wilted a bit and this week is about picking myself up and daring myself to be that person who just rocked her world.  So I dare myself to do the extraordinary and really think of this week as my last.  What would I do if it was my last?   Working on those fears, those fears that keep me all locked up and in pain.

Life is too short to sweat the small and it is all too short to not live… Repetition is good for memory…lol

I posed a question to myself about how I could be accountable to drop a couple and feel better.  Well I just enjoyed my food, tried to eat moderately, worked out when I could and stopped when I felt I needed, enjoyed a mini home spa and followed some good wisdom both from a friend and from my inner self.

Wishing everyone a great week.

Tappy tap tap tap!    Beating to my own drum……

Earl grey tea cheers to you !

Ms Melissa is my favorite on So You Think You Can Dance.  Perhaps it is because she is the oldest and looks so fabulous.  Anyways she has got me thinking about what I also prefer in terms of activity - pilates.  I just am not enjoying certain things.  Maybe it’s too much of an unstructured thing or maybe I feel the need for different.  Shocking.  So I want to give pilates a real go and maybe see what kind of a WonderMe I sculpt.  I have no high expectations, just want to go light and enjoy.   So, it was a light month of just doing what I thought my body needed in the moment, but I plan to do pilates mainly.  I notice results so quickly with pilates.  Why not make it my go to activity?  And so that body of Melissa’s may have made me remember what I love, pilates, but it is me who only expects enjoyment through out the activity.  And if a semi-hard ass should be created, that is just fine with me.   Relaxing and effective.

Funny how I find the Best things in the most unusual places.  Funny how I learned by listening to myself the best thing for relaxation or recalling something I read not too long ago .  SHUT OFF the negative messages!  No more sad sad messages from the outside world.  You just have to take a rest!  And shuttie-up.  I just take too too much in too often.

There are very few things I enjoy more then listening to Josh Groban or James Blunt and just being with me and the pilates movements.  I think it makes the slight pain in my butt not so uncomfortable.  lol  And so Oscar and I discover the blissful perfection in  the form of our favorite sound - Josh!   Completely relaxed !!!   Hehe…. Oscar actually, I am not kidding, my cat,  loves listening to Josh Groban as much as I do.  *smiles*

Bliss.

I feel like talking positive is the only way to be positive, so it comes across as this is how I am.  Well those who know me, know I am anything but.  But I still come here because it is my only place to vent about my thoughts and concerns with regards to this weighiness.  :P  And I am glad I have not abandoned this because it is for me.  Regardless of certain things, this is still for me.

So I come here first.  I will not go to the freezer once for any cookie dough this week.  I will focus on my task at hand even though I feel completely stupid not understanding these ridiculous articles for my assignments.  I will let myself feel what ever emotions today and the sugary “foods” and cookie dough are not my go to’s.  I know it is that time of the month so I have these facts to bring me some ease.   I am not going nuts!  Oh goodie!!!  And here I thought it might be a cool way to have a vacation.  Oh grief, keep or dispose of the sarcasm???  Tough one….

Why did I make cookie dough yesterday?  I did not even over indulge.  David and I shared a couple and it was all good.  Now I have the rest frozen.  Do I like to torture myself?  Well clearly I had a craving and did not feel like denying myself.  Well it matters not now.  They are there and I am not eating them.  But, it was so close, early this AM.  I was looking at my assignment and they were calling me.  I looked at the computer and thought of Buddyslim and myself, my goals.  I felt that intense urge to move towards the dough, but no.  I chose to write this pathetic little blog that turns out, saved me for a bit.

Off to face the music of how I am studying for this crumby little course and have no idea what will come next.  Whatever, boo hoo.  First things first, this assignment that plagues me.  Then we will go from there.

The goal today is 3 good meals.  Will work out before or after lunch.  Whatever.  I will just do it.  Assignment.  No laundry or other things that will cause me lose focus.

How sad is it that the only thing I am looking forward to this week is walking in the rain and watching So You Think You Can Dance?   lol

Ok, everything will be all right……….  Concert was great, I did not over drink and it is a new week to do great things, even little great things.

Note to self: Do not let anything big or small overwhelm.   Breathe, feel my moment and become aware of the simple and essential pulse.  In the moment of stress, NOTHING is as important as regaining that relaxation and peace.  Then back to it !

Second Note:  I will not throw out the cookie dough.  I will not make an enemy out of them.  THEY are not my problem!  So many gems I have collected in this weight loss journey from some smart buddies. 

Off to complete todays goals…..

Peace.

A Tip: No eggs in the house at this time, but I still made cookies.  A perfect substitution for an egg,  1 egg= 1 teaspoon of flaxseeds blended well with 1/4 cup of water.  These are small amounts and of course you can not get it all out of the blender, so just a little bit more of the flax and water, blend well and measure it out into the 1/4 c.  This just works wonderful.  I have done this with cookies and breakfast muffins.