Jennifer

Loved this and it was pure motivation for me.  Plus love the cute aspect.  Thanks to a buddy…

I am working at doing what I want and when I want.  It just makes for a happy me.  Sometimes I mess up.  Usually ’unperfect’ is the best, most interesting and most fun way to be.  Sometimes the laundry does not get done and the place is a mess!  But I will still take unperfect and accepting.

Except Oscar is perfect.  I know this, because he tells me so.

Oscar wants to play The Call of Cthulhu.

When it seems like things are so freaking crappy, there is still BS to vent on.  I have had a couple poor days, but I just do not want to start the week negatively.  It’s occured to me, I am growing as a person and I feel good about what is going on in my head and heart.  But sometimes it seems that everyone around me has different ideas.  What will come next?  Will I be able to breathe and not get emotional over the fact that the people in my world are wanting things that are completely different than myself.  I want what I want and today I make every effort to block out the toxins that have plagued me for so long.  Well I guess it’s good to release them and find the peace.  No matter what.

Today I will feed myself as my body requires.   The frack I will let other peoples Ideas lead me into the kitchen of hell where I have practicly lived my life in trying to find comfort.  It does not even matter what people want.  The only thing that matters in this moment is me not letting the stress of yesterday ooze into MY MONDAY, today.  This is my life and I really need to start feeling powerful in my life.  I need to NOT close any doors.  Only I can stop myself.  Only I can move forward.   No one’s ideas or hopes will shatter me.    Why have I let this happen so often? That disempowering kind of thinking is so leaving my mind.   It may not happen like *snap* that, but this is the first time that I am mad, not weak, with how other people’s issues affect me.  Why would I do that?  Why would I try to be something that I am not ?

What do I want?  OK

What do I want for today?   I know where the power is….within me!  No kidding.  Why would that become so unclear in life?  So eat for me and my health and get onto the business of the day, because this is what the universe desires of me.  There is no telling where I might be in my life someday.  But I can only get there if I live well now.

Today’s no thinking menu:  (s0 I just do  not chose some cold cereal because I feel lazy)

B-Spinach shake, egg salad w/ bread and butter pickles on a cibatta bread

L-veggie chili soup and salad, couple olives

S-Franks chicken and sweet potato fries, mixed beans and carrots, raw celery

sn? whatever for hunger

Special attention to complex carbs today as I know, to not do so would be a way for me to only feel weak and become depressed.  I have no time for this.  Feeding the body so it will give me good results…

Beautiful, intense song for those who appreciate the greatness of the one and only Eminem.  Maynot want to listen to this if you are depressed.  I love the song, but when sad, Josh Grobin is such a better choice.  Dreamy……..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAw9axFwzvU

Peace to me, peace to you.

….the number until I reach my mini goal.  One down.

Strength Contract will be completed by tomorrow, though I did not exercise everyday, no kidding, I did all right.  Posted on a previous blog.

Onward and hopefully downward with a renewed interest in pilates and yoga.  I am looking into taking a class, one or the other.  Will see about the cost and types.  But this will be something I do that is outside my comfort box.  Until I take a class I have a stack of DVDs to help create my body.

One cool thing, when I started here at BS I bought an on-sale satin camosole that I was sure would fit and it did not.  Well it sat in my drawer for a long time, then last week I tried it on for shits and giggles and wow, it is no longer tight around my rib cage.  IT FITS!  I am stoked!  :P  Yah for good surprises.

Most things that happen are really just not worth fretting over.  This week I work even a little more on not sweating the small stuff.

Who says you can’t send a booster note to yourself….lol  Well technically you can’t, but it is the little things we do for ourselves and the positive affirmations to ourselves.  Or even last week when I took note of what I wanted to say to myself and I said I wanted to avoid the negative words in my head.  All these things matter.  And I was not perfect at keeping the negative out.  But I have some new tricks up my sleeve.  Nothing will stop me from creating my best self in mind, body and spirit.  But my efforts come with a gentle touch and this is most soothing to me.

So, my countdown to my mini goal is on.  WW is good again.  It seems fresh and though I know it will bug me at some point, I am putting my big girl panties on (they still are fun though) and remembering to love myself, enjoy life and adhere to portions.  Of course the points were over this weekend and I enjoyed a little TOO much.  But even going over a little, ok a lot is still better then watching things skid completely off the path meal after meal.  This week more Balance and listening to my hunger.  This week I reward my body with healthy choices.  I am such a broken record!!!!

I want to give thanks for all that this body does for me and want to show it, good eats and respect.  This past week was such a scary week with the loss of Michael Jackson and it has had me thinking about my Grandmother whom I never met.  She died of heart problems when my Mom was 13 years old and sometimes lately I feel my heart is sad and over stressed.  So I am going to take note of my body signals and intuitively do what is best for me.

I use to do the unusual things, the fun things and did not care about anything that people thought.  Well I have wilted a bit and this week is about picking myself up and daring myself to be that person who just rocked her world.  So I dare myself to do the extraordinary and really think of this week as my last.  What would I do if it was my last?   Working on those fears, those fears that keep me all locked up and in pain.

Life is too short to sweat the small and it is all too short to not live… Repetition is good for memory…lol

I posed a question to myself about how I could be accountable to drop a couple and feel better.  Well I just enjoyed my food, tried to eat moderately, worked out when I could and stopped when I felt I needed, enjoyed a mini home spa and followed some good wisdom both from a friend and from my inner self.

Wishing everyone a great week.

Tappy tap tap tap!    Beating to my own drum……

Earl grey tea cheers to you !

Somedays it seems that I do not even have the ability to stop myself.  I know why things seemed so easy before, but I want to be that person who lives like a healthy individual in mind and body.  Anyways a lot of things are going well and a few things are not going to so well, so I am taking a couple minutes to reflect today, not half a day or a whole day, and just try and get back to it.

I know the importance of enjoying the food and taking pride in the preparation of the food.  *check*

Keeping active is more important then avoiding all sweets.  *check*

And, what am I struggling with ?  Oh yeh….  WHY WHY WHY, did that get in the way?  Things were going so well.  No matter how much I try and think things will be okay if I just try and let it go, it never goes away.  Maybe it is time to talk to someone.  But you know, then there is The I DO NOT want to make a big deal out of things.  Why can’t my mind let things go?

I was considering weighing in soon and I can not decide.  I guess that is accountability, but how I am living and being is the issue.  More so then the scale.  For so long I just focussed on the weight and then it seemed okay to forget about everything else and there is A LOT of other things.  Could it be that if I stopped being consumed by numbers and “becoming better” and that if I work on the spiritual and mental me, that I might heal the emotional eater in me?  On these blue days I still think I will always struggle with chosing a healthier option for my meals.  I just can’t say that eating a junky breakfast is okay when I know it will just make the emotions worse.  So today I put on my sexy night elf gear and face life.

Just dru id !  

Special goal today:  I will try my very best to not think negative thoughts or say anything that is not productive. Try this one again.  I will do my best to think and say positive and productive words.

Strength, Courage, Talent, Warrior, Beautiful Woman

“Hopefully I’m better. I’ve evolved.”  -Bif Naked

Crash and Burn - “We get what we deserve …. You’re a star / But nothing about you shines.”

Yes, there’s truth and honesty from chaos and pain and when you can come out the other side stronger, then maybe that’s the purpose of this all.  Many brilliant people say this, so just maybe…. *little laugh*

Again, I come back to this feeling that’s exploding from me and lighting up everything around me.  I fight it and I want to look all pretty, and I feel imperfect.  Oh yeh, somethings matter and somethings don’t.  Get over my f**king self, I tell my other self.  NOTHING that others say matters.  All good things come to those who just do and those who believe !  Telling and hearing is never believing though and this is so hard.  Believing has to come from somewhere and if I just hear from within one more time, I might snap.  I’m not fully sure about this believing, but it seems hot, fragrant and as real as my Earl Grey Tea….just not sure how to get a grasp on it.   I’ll just take it all in and…be.

Off to the concert tonight and I am so happy because I just feel so incredibly lucky.  I appreciate all that I have.

some clarity.  The mind is a wonderful and mysterious organ.

An explanation with Oscar because this may seem confusing - Oscar has allergies gallor or somethng and is a bit unique.  And there are many who think that people and domesticated animals have the health problems they do because such a huge change in their diets (now very processed) and lifestyles.  So, I find I get as stressed out at times with Oscar’s issues as I would if I had a human child.  So what does one try to do, re-create a diet that is rich in raw food?  Well Oscar laughs at sushi - I have tried.  :)  I am a wierd-O but this is me.  I just love him to bits.  And I over-feel this world to the point where I must take steps back, breathe and release……

I also find myself at a crossroads in life and it is like, what is my purpose at this time?  Don’t normal people just JUMP for godness sake!

I want to be a jumper and not a nervous cat.  *recalling what I said a couple blogs ago… I am not at all a caged animal and I can do ANYTHING.  I can do this.*   I need to do and I need to break off that part of my brain that is soaked in disbelief.  I need to remember and find my source of power!!!  Where other Earthlings have not been able to, I can.

Well first things first…… do well on the comprehensive test and go from there.

I am maintaining wonderfully.  The shape is definitely better the second time around.

So, I wrote a blog after I saw Earthlings and kept it as a draft, ahh why?  It was all about my mindset during and after the documentary.  It really affected me as I knew it would.  It was really hard to watch.  It was kind of like Shindler’s List the first time I saw it only 100 times worse.  

So, I did not eat for a long time after this.  Just did not have an appetite and then I fed myself and my emotions a little.  The food was down on paper.  But I wanted to write out the pros and cons of my day with food to keep some not so clear perspective, CLEAR.

Pros: I made the choice to have extra protein, even if it was whey protein, when I had more sugar then normal.  Good job.  High sugar and low protein is NOT good for the body!!! So good job me.  Milk is worse for me at this time then the much simpler amino acids of the whey, so, so what.  :)  I also took all my vitamins and enzymes, so, kudos.   I did mostly feed my hunger except for a sugar treat.  Ok.  I will  not be eating past 6:ooPM… Great!

Cons: I had more simple sugar/carbs then I would normally and that is ok, but will aim for a healthier day tomorrow.  I had portions of some off-my-list-foods.  I feel fine as I have been pretty good with the elimination diet, still need to be careful and get back to it.

More perspective:  Checked out Sparks and I did not do so bad at all.  Only 250 cal over for a Saturday at 2000 and over with the fat.  Under with the carbs but way more then usual and more protein the usual which is good for the day - 68 grams, awesome!  It was worth the time to check things out because I might have had a wrong view of my day.  And that kind of thinking never leads to good things for me.  Nipped in the bud and ready to have a little workout to keep my attitude optimum…. In a world where things are not ideal, I can still make the best of my moments, my life.

Ahh Oscar wants attention and so I am his beotch  ;)

Not so coherent right now.  I am also cold and shakey and I have spots on my glasses, but it is me and a computer now.  I really should get out and do something interesting on this Saturday afternoon.  I will be making myself go for a walk at some point.  Just finished watching Earthlings.  And this is the inside of my shakey mind….  How did this all start?  How does anything happen?

I like hockey and I eat animals and their products (not dairy and eggs at the moment, but that is for MY health.)

Watched TSN because I like to see what is going on in the world of sport.

A former Oiler, Georges Laraque was on talking…. gotta catch that.  George is a vegetarian??? What?

He became a vegetarian after watching ‘Earthlings’ and plans to go vegan.  WHAT???

*checks out the site* - ‘Earthlings’  - ok, I know what this movie is about and I am fearful.  Intrigued and I feel the need to watch.

I must wait.  David is going away to a confernece and I do not feel the need to share this.  It is not my intention to change him or anyone!

I also need to prepare myself for this film, which I now know was not possible.

Watching, frequently pausing, 2 trips to the bathroom (did not vomit, just voided), more pausing….

Find myself tuning out and looking at my sweet pea.

“Look what I have done”, I say to myself… I received Oscar when he was 8 weeks old from a farm outside of Saskatoon.  I was lonely and sad at the time and wanted to feel something in my life.  So a cat.  I took Oscar from a farm where he either would have went to another home or stayed the farm.  If he stayed on the farm he would have experienced freedom and would have died likely early as many wild farm cats do.  Anyways, he could have know freedom.  Instead, I selfishly chose to seek companionship.  My first and last pet.   Maybe I am the crazy cat lady, but I love him more then words can say. All choices in the moment are with long term consequences and I am feeling this really I am feeling this.  Some will say get a grip and do not be so serious.  Well the Truth is often difficult to embrace so we make up the lamest bullshit to make ourselves feel better.  This is the life.  This is our brains.  Comfort at it’s best.

[I wonder if Oscar, if he had a choice, would have chosen this life or a life on a farm?  Frequent food or hunting?  Well if he is like a human, which he is somewhat, he would chose FOOD I think.]

Through out the movie, I look at Oscar as he sleeps because at times I can not watch what I am seeing and yet I know to stop it would be A LIE, MORE SELFISHNESS, and MORE IGNORANCE.  Ok… keep watching.

I will not convey what I saw as it is not my purpose to change anyone, but I am changed.  I knew I would be, but I had no idea.  Reading is so different from images.

*sigh*  Movie is done.

Who are we to inflict such destruction and chaos on any living being and on this Earth?

Most people will never get what I am speaking about because THEY HAVE NO CLUE.  Words pass by eyes and out of brains like it never was there, so images might be The Thing that helps with understanding.

Ignorance is still bliss!

Disrespect!

Change?

I wish I did not see this world!  ISN’T THAT TYPICAL !  We live like this everyday!

Blindness…

I am glad I watched the movie.  The next damn time I think that life is difficult and I do not know what to do with it, I will hopefully recall how lucky I am to not have lived in Nazi Germany, to have never been brutalized by a man or to have not been a captured or caged animal.  It would be a much better world if people went to play their blood sports willingly in an arena, left the defenseless to exist in the wild and did not drain and torture animals for our need.

Keep adding to the world’s population.  More mouths to feed.

How I convinced myself what I need and what I do not need.  It is all me, me, me…..it is…

Needs and wants…. This is where I am at.

Happy to not be a Nazi (I think killers and those who inflict pain MUST suffer), happy to not be hunted, thankful for what I have in my life and on my plate…

Even as I was, and even how very little will change with me seeing this documentary, life is still good when you can feel and then vent.  Maybe even move away from the discomfort for awhile.  That is something.

It’s the Earthling experience - feeling and releasing…. And what a release when the heart finally stops beating.  And now this is something I would genuinely pray for.  Freedom from human grasp.

Peace.

I am completely saddened right now.  My ear eczema is at times getting the better of me and I really can not deal with a bandaid solution of cortisone from the doctor.  This is clearly a situation where I must respect myself and my diet and keep the stress low/nil.  I am ON this Elimination diet so this should help.  No more bad fats-even good oils that are baked in store bought chips.  I seem to have flair ups after stress, lots of protein and bad fats.  OK.  I am going to breath and try not to be petrified.  Frick I sound melodramatic, but this is how I feel right now.   I will get through this WITH OUT CUTTING OUT MY EARS from the itching!  / :(   One saving grace - Yah I am not apparently contageous.  Though I am apparently my own worst enemy! - this being an autoimmune thing.  *rolls eyes*  Tell me something I don’t know! 

I have studied plenty about eczema, but not ear eczema so much.  Though I have to say, I have read enough on the Net and I am GOOD now.  I have some information and gathered bits and pieces here.  Now I will just do what I do.  Relax my mind (not easy, but I am working on this) and be committed to the plan.

Weight loss is not my issue or concern.  My goal is to maintain.  My plan is remaining itch free in my ears, keep them moisturized, taking my flaxseed and flaxseed oil, other supplements and lotioning up as my whole body is kind of dry.  I LOVE cocoa butter!!  I am avoiding all glycerin products because they bug me.  Oh did I say I LOVE COCOA BUTTER.  I smell like a giant cookie!  NOW, who needs sweets when you can smell your sweet self all day?! lol  Though I am craving fats ( is my body not getting fats?, so I am taking plant enzymes including lipase and will be talking to my doctor), I am not at all craving sweets.  In fact they actually look like poison to me and I could care less at this time.  Yuck, and yucko to many things…..alcohol, anything refined, bad fats, even most meat.

I am going to keep up with the contract - 3-4 days of strength, 30 or 30+ !  I also need to walk, do yoga and some unique cardio activitites that help me drain my lymph nodes.  It is all good.  Excercise will keep my spirits up.  Just need to listen to my body and not over do it.

Note, bathing is a treat as those will know!  Must avoid water in ears.  I think after a few experiences, I have it down.  lmao.  Living and learning as I go…. I find a drop of mineral oil in each ear and having extra cotton balls near by to switch when they become wet better then just coating the outside of the cotton ball with Vasoline.  That messiness did not work for me and I thought it was really coated…nope.

All right, I feel excellent at this moment as this seemed to be good spiritual detox, so I am going to enjoy the moment!

Any personal stories are welcome.   Especially if you can share some light and good stories of people recovering.  Thank you.