Jennifer

Four days with the ‘family’

Empty greed and shallow gifts

Alone, now with simple carbs and no desire for good quality food,

I ate a days worth of noodles and spicy Kung Pao sauce in one sitting.

This was my first binge in well over 3 months.

I know if I had just posted the blog that I worte instead of just keeping it as a draft,

I might not have felt so alone.

I just didn’t want to share.

Everything has been fake and I just did not want to be real here.  How crazy is that?

But the noodles were real. 

 So why not write about the other reality?

 Nope, just noodles.

Today is a joyous day, because the only thing real is NOODLES and that is only half bad.

From this day forward,

I am aiming for truthful and honest

as simple as

noodles in sauce.

Noodles do not pretend to be something they are not.

They just are.  No claims.  Some fame.

Entangled.  Nothing else.

Infamous and delightful, real noodles.

I can not believe since I have been home I have eaten chocolates, choptle kettle chips, noodles, cereal and okay, salmon, olives, bananas, yogurt and pickles.  Aiming for balance and portions - AND VEGGIES.  I bought them, but they just have not appealed.  Anywho, getting back on track………

Intuitive Eating all the way.  No points.  I am aiming to get back on track withOUT the shit load of control I am craving.  Gentle, loving, me.

Cheers to my holidays being over.

Cheers to green tea!  Off to enjoy a wonderful and perfect cup of green tea (decaf - it’s 10 at night).

Woke up FAMISHED and so I listened to my body and fed it what it wanted and I assume needed.  Eggs/egg whites and whole wheat sprouted grain bread.  It is nearing the grouchy emotional time and I feel I just need to not deny myself what my body most likely needs.  NO I DO NOT NEED all the countless junk cravings, but I sure did need those eggs today.  Funny how such a healthy food could be seen as a treat this AM.  But I just have not wanted them until today.

I had such a distaste and then a full-out desire, what is up with this?  Listen, learn, experience, learn some more….. Love.  Not doing enough loving of myself today.  Need to believe in me and trust.  My mantra…. I am good enough when I am just being true to me.

Off to do yoga and study….

Wishing you all a great day. 

You know, good moods and bad moods can be very contagious on here. I do not want to infect anyone, but I also had NO ONE that I could talk to at this early hour. SO here my fingers go…..type, type, type……. I needed to just be here because after over a year of being here, it still is nice to feel like I have a little home. So the goodness we all can take from this is ………………. Appreciation for this site. I appreciate how it is always here for me to just be me. So often I only share bits of me. This is a little more then I would like on a healthy minded day, but c’est la vie! (I wrote this after I wrote the rest of this, but thought I would put it first.)

So I am actually writing here today as it seems like one of the worst days in a very long time and I feel so alone. I am reading in my text about reality and real is never experienced but rather what we interpret and experience instead are the basis for our lives . Well right now I am so depressed. My partner and I are on such different pages. I mean things are really not good. I have been depressed this week a little, but after last night I feel like I have completely shut down, I guess you could say my emotions have done just this. No blaming, but rather just feeling down. The strangest thing is happening. I do not want to eat. I find it difficult to put 4 tablespoons of food in me and chew each one. I just do not care. I made an herbal tea that I do not enjoy and am drinking it just because it is good for me. I feel like a robot, emotionless but still somewhat able to multi-task. So, I am going to keep on doing what it is I need to do, though eating might be difficult until I get out of this funk, and I am just going to get through it…. this is what people do right…. exist, walk through this life… Well no, I know this is not right, but this is how I feel at this moment. I will allow for it for awhile. If I were reading this I would share with a member here how important it is to take a moment and breath. Things are rarely as bad as they seem if you just take a moment of concentrated breathing and see or do something else. For ourselves! Well I will get there but right now I am just darn right in a funk. However, things do not seem as bleak since when I first signed in. Yay!

I have not ever had a day in my life where I just did not want to eat. It is like I am experiencing this all for the first time because I need to know what it feels like. Like I am researching it for a class? Could this be it? Yes, that is how I will look at it. I am bettering myself as a person. Ha! Well clearly it is just one of those times when I need to feel and go through this. I do not want to become sick so I will do what I can. Make myself eat little bits, take my vitamins, drink water and go for a walk later in the snow/rain. Whatever. I will make myself better. I am an Amazon and NOTHING will get me down for long. Haha…..

Hope everyone is having a great day, enjoying some good weather. Soon the snow will melt and the flowers will bless our senses. Going to see Phantom of the Opera tomorrow, which is my favorite (have seen it 2 times before) and this will be good I think. Another world in live performances, one that is never felt with TV I find….a time where I just tend to zone out. SO, unengaging! oh grief, a tangent…… done now. ttfn