Jennifer

All right, it feel’s completely normal to be back.  I have been gone for over 2 months.  That is a record for the chick who use to be on every day.  But I missed feeling like people just understood the journey and the struggles.  I would like to be more reliant on myself and not have that neediness, but there is something special about people who just feel similar to myself.  I did not feel like I could speak about my weightloss journey on another site.  So what good is that, if you can not be who you are and say what you want to say?!?

Well, I was not going to change my ticker as motivation, but I want to be real.  So, I changed it.  No biggie at all.  I know I am not comfortable so I will naturally and slowly find a more comfortable place for this body.

I am not over-talking/writing about what I want to do or what I am going to do.  I am just trying to make some realistic adjustments as I have stepped backwards and that is not a good place to be going.  No more. 

Feeding my emotions as I have learned is ok, as long as there is some portion control.  No guilt.  Just eat and savor.  But this is my affirmation.  I love myself and food is (not the answer), it’s fuel and it can be fun.  And activity is a MUST.  How could I forget that?

My hormones are really needing some consistancy in all areas and so this is what I will do.  I will do my body right!  And there is no need to write about it and converse really about it.  It just knows what it needs.  So I will obey!  My body knows best.

Today I say that I am sorry to My Body, because I have treated You poorly in the past few weeks.  And so, if You will forgive me and reward my efforts, I think we will be great…. mind, body and soul.

Note: It says my comments are turned off.  I can not recall where that setting is and I have looked.  Oh well.  Life goes on. 

….the number until I reach my mini goal.  One down.

Strength Contract will be completed by tomorrow, though I did not exercise everyday, no kidding, I did all right.  Posted on a previous blog.

Onward and hopefully downward with a renewed interest in pilates and yoga.  I am looking into taking a class, one or the other.  Will see about the cost and types.  But this will be something I do that is outside my comfort box.  Until I take a class I have a stack of DVDs to help create my body.

One cool thing, when I started here at BS I bought an on-sale satin camosole that I was sure would fit and it did not.  Well it sat in my drawer for a long time, then last week I tried it on for shits and giggles and wow, it is no longer tight around my rib cage.  IT FITS!  I am stoked!  :P  Yah for good surprises.

Most things that happen are really just not worth fretting over.  This week I work even a little more on not sweating the small stuff.

Who says you can’t send a booster note to yourself….lol  Well technically you can’t, but it is the little things we do for ourselves and the positive affirmations to ourselves.  Or even last week when I took note of what I wanted to say to myself and I said I wanted to avoid the negative words in my head.  All these things matter.  And I was not perfect at keeping the negative out.  But I have some new tricks up my sleeve.  Nothing will stop me from creating my best self in mind, body and spirit.  But my efforts come with a gentle touch and this is most soothing to me.

So, my countdown to my mini goal is on.  WW is good again.  It seems fresh and though I know it will bug me at some point, I am putting my big girl panties on (they still are fun though) and remembering to love myself, enjoy life and adhere to portions.  Of course the points were over this weekend and I enjoyed a little TOO much.  But even going over a little, ok a lot is still better then watching things skid completely off the path meal after meal.  This week more Balance and listening to my hunger.  This week I reward my body with healthy choices.  I am such a broken record!!!!

I want to give thanks for all that this body does for me and want to show it, good eats and respect.  This past week was such a scary week with the loss of Michael Jackson and it has had me thinking about my Grandmother whom I never met.  She died of heart problems when my Mom was 13 years old and sometimes lately I feel my heart is sad and over stressed.  So I am going to take note of my body signals and intuitively do what is best for me.

I use to do the unusual things, the fun things and did not care about anything that people thought.  Well I have wilted a bit and this week is about picking myself up and daring myself to be that person who just rocked her world.  So I dare myself to do the extraordinary and really think of this week as my last.  What would I do if it was my last?   Working on those fears, those fears that keep me all locked up and in pain.

Life is too short to sweat the small and it is all too short to not live… Repetition is good for memory…lol

I posed a question to myself about how I could be accountable to drop a couple and feel better.  Well I just enjoyed my food, tried to eat moderately, worked out when I could and stopped when I felt I needed, enjoyed a mini home spa and followed some good wisdom both from a friend and from my inner self.

Wishing everyone a great week.

Tappy tap tap tap!    Beating to my own drum……

Earl grey tea cheers to you !

So I am awake.  Oscar has waken me up and for what, I do not know.  He has food.  Maybe it’s the rain.  My heavens it smell wonderful!  I feel weird today ??  but I am liking it.

I love it when I opt for a different breakfast and just enjoy the new flavor.   Even if it’s simple, it’s perfect.  A drizzle of agave and salted organic butter on brown rice bread toast was yummy with my 1/2 banana.  I woke up craving almond butter and it’s so weird, but I have noticed that when I crave something I often do not eat it slowly enough.  I thought a change was good and it was!  Most enjoyable! And no thoughts until after that maybe I did not get enough protein.  Why NOT chose the almond butter?  It’s a better choice right?  Well maybe not.  I should avoid most nuts.  The protein thing has been a problem, thinking I need more and more protein when infact, my body might have been saying less and less.  I reason this out since doing this diet and getting a little less protein I feel better.  And well I was so wrong, I can still lose weight and eat around 45-50 grams of protein.  Some days a little more.  Whatever I feel….

I thought I’d be irritable not having this large list of foods on this diet, but I feel clear and usually quite content.  There were times before I think I knew what it felt to be a drug addict…wanting, wanting, needing?  I would lie if I said I did not miss cheese and eggs…. I DO.  But my goal is about getting my intestinal health back into good shape….. just like the rest of me.   I have had soy and feel okay and I feel this must be because I have not had it really so much.   I am not going to start having it a lot either.  I am keeping it extremely moderate.  Like last night.  I made a small chocolate soy sundae with a couple cherries and a 1/4 of a banana…YUM.   Speaking of which I enjoyed that treat like I can not even tell you.  It was heaven!   I was slightly hungry, but I do need to watch out for the mindless night time eating.  I do not need it to creep back in.

The neatest thing about this diet, is there are times I want to eat something for shear boredom and NOTHING appeals.  Those former go to foods (corn, dariy, wheat, peanut) are the ones I can not have on this elimination/allergy diet.  So this is working out REALLY well for my weight loss.  *big smiles*  So many times I have just sat down realising, I was not hungry anyways!  Then there are times I am really hungry and I just eat something on the Can-Have-list.  All good.

Exercise is going well.  No more muffin top!!  Hip hip horray!!!  And my waist is back down to the low 30s instead of the mid 30s.  My legs are toning up and are down 1 whole inch.  LOL.  Well it’s progress.

One thing.  I want to see the documentary with Joaquin Phoenix called Earthlings.  The craziest thing is, it has been out since 2005!! Where have I been???  It’s about the treatment of animals by the world’s food producers. My problem is I feel better eating a diet that is best described as the Paleo-diet (hunter- gather, veggies, fruits, meat protein, seeds) + a vegan diet (I would normally say vegetarian because I would eat dairy and eggs, but not at the moment).  This works best for me I find.  Paleo and vegan are opposite but this is what my meals look like and I feel healthy.  But it has been brought to my attention in a very upset manner, you know who, my Big Sweet Pea, hehe, that if I watch the documentary I’ll be eating all vegan again….No!  That was not healthy for me!  Last time I changed our eating habits (though I still cooked my sweetie his meat sometimes : )  after I read Skinny Bitch and was inspired by the written text descriptions of animal treatments.  For god sakes if a hockey player goes vegetarian/soon to be vegan maybe (he says) after seeing Earthlings, well how am I suppose to resist when morally I already struggle sometimes with meat?  The fact is, I do feel better physically with a little meat.  Two to three ounces is usually enough most days out of the week.  But I really want to see it!  It’s like how they describe people gawking at a car wreck, only I can not do that.  So…….what to do.   I am at a loss.  I know I believe in the correct and human treatment of animals and this is achieved on some farms but NOT the massive farms where the majority of our animal protein comes from.  I feel conflicted.  I want to see it………………………………..  But David knows me and I do too.

Ahhh….. 7:35 AM  time to workout.  *deep breathing*

So I have gone 13 days of NOT eating after supper unless hungry.   I feel the joys of a metabolism and I’m appreciating.  I do believe it just settled down into hybernation over the winter.  I am not kidding either.  I have made some changes, but STILL!  That was just craziness!  Anyways I think I learned some things that will help me keep the metabolism going.  So, the 13 nights have been great.  Now I am fairly sure that I consumed sugar last night.  We spent the day with a couple yesterday which was very nice - played some board games (crappy weather) and watched hockey.  Enjoyed some sushi together for lunch and then I just forgot about my goals.  Not a big deal, but I am almost positive that I had sugar in a dressing that I put on my Greek and spinach salad.  It was a balsamic vinegarette that was so tangy and sweet tasting and I enjoyed, though it did seem a bit rich for my stomach later, oh yeh in combination with a thin crust chicken and vegetable pizza w/ pesto sauce instead of tomato sauce.  The fact that the meal stayed with me so long, could have just been the fat content or the flour because I did not over eat at all, at any part of the day.  I enjoyed it anyways.  I did feel like I had let myself down momentarily because of the sugar, then I grabbed some perspective!!!  It was a fun day with some good people.   I went 8 days with NO SUGAR/sweetener OF ANY KIND.  That is a record for me and I feel great because of it.  My next and completely usual thought was, “well I blew it so, now I can have sugar again.”  Well no way!!  This is a lifestyle change and having a little sugar in some dressing (of which I maybe had a tablespoon and a half) is not a huge deal.  Sure I made the commitment, but one of my unspoken commitments is to be gentle with myself and progress with my lifestyle changes.  So making the choice to continue on with the no sweeters and sugar is exactly what I intend to do.  I am firm on the no mindless eating at night though.  This is just VERY good for me.  Eating at night, mindlessly, is a behavior that I recall so well and has become a very unhealthy behavior for me.  I just do not need that food in me, unless I have exercised that night and need a little something something….fruit or something.

So, that is that.

Freedom from night time eating - 13 days

Sugar/sweetener free - 8 days, a trip-up along my path…moving on…

Chemical free - doing the best I can in this society of ours and I am not over thinking things too much.

*Yesterday’s activity: cleaning condo quickly, with my sweeties help, before company came over.  Hey, we have stairs so it was a complete and good work out…  :)   Today:  Muscles!!!

 So Ms Jenny McCarthy has inspired me to rethink more commitments for my 30 days.  Well it was not JUST her. See, my consumption of chocolate in the last week has been at an all time high.  I know the weight of the dark Hershey chocolate chip bag and in secret I ate one and bought another because I felt so naughty.  When you put your plastics in the recycling bag, they are NOT easily forgotten, like in the past when I just put them into the garbage.  This new lifestyle of recycling is good in many ways - no lying or “forgetting” allowed.  Like buying another bag of chips would actually last, NO of course not.  Plus we indulged in more chocolate last night.  My god!   So, after reading Jenny’s blog (see Oprah.com)  about how she is challenging herself with no eating after 7PM and no sugar for JUST 30 days, I too am making some neccessary changes.

I am eating before 7PM.  Last night stretched to 7:30 and the night before was 8:00ish.  So no more of this.  Still it was my meals, no snacking after, but still.  8:00 is too late for me.  I have been successful for 5 official nights now.  *Pats self on back*  (Will feed true hunger with reasonable food as to not stress myself.  Just NO MINDLESS eating.)

I am eating sugar/sweetener-free.  YIKES, hey?  This is the biggest thing for me.  This and chocolate have become a little addiction lately.  I say one tablespoon of my Mom’s strawberry jam but no it is double and a little more.  This will mean virtually nothing processed and that is just fine with me. Not eating at night has been a breeze, I am going to feel this missing in my life for awhile but I know I will be better for it.

I am also eating a chemical/additive-free diet.  I am not going to preach about this badness.  I know it is crap and this is for me.  When I grabbed an antihistamine the other night because I was so uncomfortable, that was shocking.  But you can be damn sure I will be not eating the crap that made me feel so awful in the first place, well for 30 days for sure!

Seriously if my Mother bitches about her seasonal allergies again I may snap on her ass too (see I kind of snapped on MY ass/self..lol).  She smokes and then proceeds to blame everything outside of her own actions.  *shakes head*  WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES???  What ever, me thinking about the past chocolate and sugar binges is not productive.  Some professionals think it may not even be helpful to figure out why we eat/behave as we do.  The most productive thing might be to actually retrain ourselves with new behaviors.  No more over thinking things.  It is unproductive in a world and big brain that may be beyond understanding.  Much less stressful to just chose to make new choices and do so in a supporting environment.  So this is what the 30 day challenge is about….retraining.

What I have learned in my studies….. It is natural to have cravings if one is not getting the proper balance of nutrients.  Like if one eats a higher protein diet (and I have been doing this to deal with some hypothyroid-like symptoms and things are improving and the weight is coming off little by little) one will need NEED more water and will desire more sugar (carbs).   (Also people will NEED more calcium.  This is why those with a low fat vegetarian diet do not require as much calcium as those who eat high fat dairy, meat and sugar diet.) And because the body really wants it instantly, it will often want the simple sugar and not necessarily the bread or the pasta.  Hmmm…. I think I experienced this.  Only I am not a child and with this challenge, I have to be aware and eat the little more healthy carbohydrates in balance.  Because seriously sugars are prime feedings for disease/cancer.  God and I know this too.  Well, cheers to changes.  There is no stress because it is 30 days, but I would like to develop healthier choices.  That is the goal-Life long health and weight loss.

The thing that is keeping my moods (well some moodiness with the sugar! duh!) in check and helping to create my past shapely legs, OF COURSE the exercise!  Not eating at night is helpful because I am sleeping better too and there is less slow moving food in my gutt.   All good things.  Especially the Hard Body Yoga.  I think my legs MUST be looking FINE.  David has said he would like to try!  I told him when he does it to take it easy the first time.  I am so excited to have an exercise partner, maybe, hopefully…..hehe.

So I am losing weight slowly.  But the scale is nearly dead and my computer is DEAD.  I posted that it was slowly taking a downward turn (shutting off when ever it wanted) well, it is DEAD.  So, it will be awhile before I have a new one.  I am using my sweetie’s and truly it feels like a beast compared to my laptop…lol  Anyways I am thankful for the use.  But I will be on the computer less for awhile.

If I should faulter a little with my 3 personal challenges I WILL let ya know.  Here I am, honest with me (YAH!) and I will also be honest with you.  Buddyslim is a part of my life.  I just have to use it affectively.  ;)  I will be posting a new picture at the beginning of summer along with my ticker.  The old ticker has been out of commision but it WILL be back then.  When my metabolism slowed, so did my spirit.   But I am happy to say, both are soaring.  Well it just seems good to see some slight visual changes.  I will take this ride on the turtle ANY DAY !

Did a little reading thanks to a buddy who shared some info. on carbohydrate intolerance from a book called the Woman’s Perfect Diet.  I am very thankful to Ann Marie, my fellow Intuitive Eater. *wink*   I needed to read the chapter she sent, because as much as I feel I “know” what my body needs, I have not been getting the fact that I eat too many carbs and good fats and not enough protein.  Plus the month has been tough - eating foods for the food sensitivity test and when you have to eat food/not so much choice, NOT FUN.  Yuck.  I feel for kids!  Then there was V-day and my B-day so I have been all over the place.   Anyways, finding that right balance is tricky sometimes, but I am up for it and a new approach.   I want to see what happens with less complex carbohydrates and a little less good fat.  I did not do the test to actually see, I just thought, how do I feel when I eat a high protein breakfast (hours after) and then how do I feel with a high carb breakfast?  I never use to be like this, actually feel more energized with more protein and less carbs.  I felt good and lost with high carb (about 60ish %) but no more.  So I actually do have more energy with higher protein and still lots for veggies and a decent amount of fruits.  I do not know, about 1400-1600 or a little more cals I would guess.  Just thinking a little less carbs and going with the actual hunger.  I have not been hungry so much, but I am hoping my metabolism will bless with me it’s presence.

I am maintaining like a champ *rolls eyes a little* but I can not get upset.  I will not.  Just realise what is and make changes.  It is all just so tiring and I can not go there.  So if anyone knows of a site where you log your food and get the macro nutrient (fat, protein, carb) percentatage that is not here can you relay the address?  Thanks.  If I do not find a good site, that is cool.  It is a certainty that I will become bored with it.  In fact I am giving myself a couple days of recording to get a feel for eyeballing about 40% carbs.  The trick for me is to be getting enough fiber….gawd I need fiber!!!   When did I become old?  Because seriously, my metabolism really has changed.  I just refuse to exercise like a nut because that kind of activity is not something I can maintain and it is too hard on my body.  So, me, trying to find some good balance and my ideal-for-me body.  Ahhh I would be so pleased with 160ish and 29/37 measurements.  But like the big guy says in the second or third Austin Powers, I just want to be “toyght”  LOL.  All good with me.  

 YAH, so glad Slumdog Millionaire kicked butt at the Oscars!  So postive and uplifting.  Yah for Kate!…Winslet.

http://www.chep.org/gfb/index.html

The Good Food box was such a surprise!!!  And it was all organic as I ordered.  I do believe I would have spent more at the store for the same amount.  I buy all of this from the grocery story (except I have not had squash FOR SO LONG), but not all is organic.  So this is so neat!  Better then Christmas!  ;) 

They said during the winter season not all can be collected locally, of course.  I am just so pleased.

-baby spinach leaves

-romaine lettuce heart

-alfalfa sprouts

-squash (YUM… so excited)

-bag of carrots

-many potatoes (When it is the end of the week and we are thinking about going to the grocery store for ‘wants’, I am going to create a comfort meal with a few of these potatoes…. so many potatoes.  Glad they last a long time.  Recipe ideas are welcome…. Tx)

-garlic

-bag of dried green peas

-bag of whole wheat flour  (pancakes as a treat?  not sure what I will make)

-celery

-many apples

-bananas

-kiwi(s?)- Usually our kiwi are from NewZealand, but this AM I read these are from the USA.  Well thank you to the US for my kiwi. 

Well worth the 30.00 and I will be placing another order in the coming weeks.  They say they vary the produce so it should be a nice surprise each time.   

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Oh, and I am taking a cue from Jane I am doing a light cleanse today.  Though I will be having a little salmon for supper.  But all fruits, mostly veggies and some walnuts (I do not have almonds).   It works out well because I have this new produce plus some older produce too.  I have studied about various cleanses and short and light cleanses are best for most people.  

The reason we detox or cleanse is to rid our body of various chemicals and organism (which are in too high numbers like bad bacteria and yeast. PEOPLE WHO CRAVE SUGARY THINGS often will have excess yeast) and doing so too quickly will cause these organisms to be destroyed and it is thought that the chemicals they then release from their dead cells is actually quite unhealthy.  Hence the ill feeling many people have when doing intense or extreme detoxes.  The body does not actually “get rid” of the bacteria so effectively as I understand it (constipation and when there is an excess), though some are clearly excreted.  They must die.  So the key is to not feed them the sugar they want and poop regularly.  We need some broken down sugars to live, but NOT the excessive amounts we so often have.  Oh yeh, I know this… *sigh*   A gradual end to these “critters” lol is best, so says many experts.  They don’t say critters though, they use words like pathogens and microbes….hehe.  Thank you Jane for inspiring me to write this.  I read about this, dysbiosis, in what seems like every new section.  A healthy digestive system is ESSENTIAL to good health.  But regular gentle cleansing helps all body systems to do their best and that means a better quality of life.

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Speaking of doing my best….. update on accepting that I will be a success…..

I am most pleased that this week I have steadily and dramaticly seen a change in my mental game with food.  I am so at ease.  AS SOON as I say I can have it all, peace.  When I say no to anything I want I want.  So just no rules is really affective for me.  And then also enjoying the small portions has been an absolute success.

But most of all, I have been so into my studies and good at saying no to certain domestic things that bug me usually if left (like not unloading the dishwasher or doing only 1 load of laundry instead of 3).  Basically I am pacing myself and putting my goals at the top of my list.

I have been more relaxed and way more at peace.  Just telling myself that I will do something has worked.  Plus, the activity is there and it is here to stay!  Love it.  Though I still do have to be aware of it so it does not slip from my day.  Love the list of activity so that I am doing at least 6 days a week.

After the cleanse last night I did have a bit more food as it was needed after some additional activity.  Listening to what my body tells me, NOT the voice in my head which can be so negative.  Voice: “that is too fattening” or “you know you will never be a success”.  All good.  But then I think balance has been achieved.  I got so much studying in this week.   More success to come.

So everything has been great, but by far the greatest success has been the peace and happiness that resides in me and around me.  I placed some old and new pics up too on my home page for motivation.  I love that strong picture.  Makes me smile. 

Most days I am feeling well.  I still feel ill if I eat certain foods, but all will be figured out soon with the help of science.  If I were to drop all the suspects, what I can eat would be cut by a quarter.   (corn, soy, dairy-I LOVE DAIRY, peanut butter, tomatoes, wheat, broccoli - I LOVE STEAMED BROCCOLI, all chemical preservatives)  I think I have a bit of an imbalance/dysbiosis, because my moods are all over the place… blah

Well just thought I would update.

Have a good one!

There is a lot going on in my head these days.  Even when I am trying to sleep.  I was awake at 5 AM and just could not go back to sleep.  So I got up and have a nice warm bath….bergamont and lemon scented oils. and the clarifying light of one candle.  Sure the oils sound and should be invigorating, and I really worked some things out in my head (now I must believe in ME and follow my thoughts), but soon after a bath and a shower I was anything but invigorated.  I was TIRED, so off to bed I went.  What a great sleep.   I just needed to be okay with where my thoughts were going and as the words on my wall say….”Relax”, ”Imagine” and “Believe”.

Oprah has been such a big source of inspiration lately.  I just respect her so much.  She struggles as do I and we all must work at this.  But her shows and I am taping them all this week and will be watching all her webcasts next week have really gotten me onto a better and more effective way of thinking.  “This is not a weight issue, it is a love issue!”  NO KIDDING!  :)  I know this, but she has really focussed my thinking.  I do not just feel like I am drowning as I have felt sometimes.

Some important questions she has raised:

How am I putting myself on the top of my priority list?  - my list is specific, but generally I have made a night time routine that I must do in order to relax, perform and enjoy regular activity, eat well and realize that food is not the problem.  Not knowing myself and thinking food is the problem IS THE PROBLEM.  Food is not the problem! 

How am I finding the balance?

What do I crave?

Will I fall in love with myself this year?  (and the correct answer IS…… if I address what I am craving, I indeed will be able to do this.)

What do I want?

How am I honoring my needs?

Why am I worthy of getting healthy this year? 

And normally or should I say lately since coming into the light, I do not say no to any foods.  But you know, as long as I am not content in my mind and spirt, some foods just seem unfit for my environment.  Yes I am picking on the foods, but I do not want to be tempted.   Ok, no I am not picking on them!  I am just putting myself on my priority list!  I said food is not the problem and it is not, but I need to honor myself and better choices.

So a list Oprah suggested making is:

List 3 foods I will stop buying and having in the house? On my list is pudding mixes, crap sauces, all wheat flour and white sugar.  (lol… I wanted to make a cake so bad yesterday (WHY I ask myself ???) and realize we donated the only unopenned bag of sugar this Christmas.  It was around here for a year…lol  And Splenda was not going in my cake. NO CAKE.  :P)

List 3 foods you will add to your shopping list?  I could only think of one healthy thing I do not eat.  Artichokes.  I tried once and it tasted like ass! - a figure of speech ladies.   So if you have any tips or suggestions on how to prepare/eat this food in a healthy way, I would love to add this nutritious food to my cart.  Thanks. 

I am journalling and listening to the voice in my head.  It is really hard because I am a doubter of myself and I do not even want to share with anyone what is going on in my head.  I just need to believe and not worry about what others will think.  THIS IS MY LIFE! 

I am keeping up with my fitness log in a previous blog and really enjoying it too.  Feeling strong….

Note: as I wrote about earlier, the yogurt is just awesome, though I think I prefer 1% over skim milk.  Went to the store the other night as Oscar NEEDED tuna and I needed milk and David wanted a treat.  I resisted buying a treat, because yogurt would be my treat in 12 hours plus, but I did indulge and bought a magazine instead of something sweet.  Good good times.

Hope all are having a great week.  Love you…..

So, I am taking a bit of time to review Intuitive Eating today because it seems the student has forgotten everything.  Another good book for dieters too the Zen of Eating!

Gentle damnit! Ha.  Seriously though, I have this sweet desire to be kind to myself, but how I think I should look is interferring with this.  At the store yesterday I was drawn to the weight loss pills and thoughts of herbs, but this is not the answer.  Knowing that they are not a long term answer and likely will not work, I still thought about it.  Nope, there will be no cheating or failing.  I am going to do this the right way!

My days are going to start with a workout of some kind and it does not matter what.  I just want my heart raised and I want to work my beautiful muscles.  Buried they may be, but there they are wanting to be my major weight loss initiators.   I considered posing my weight ticker again, but I just do not want to be consumed by this number.  Sure I have a goal, but I do not need to be reminded of it only to feel up or down because of it.  There was a time when it really helped to see it each week.  Well I just do not want to go there.  Today though I weighed in just to know where I am and I was not at all surprised to see my biggest number since being at Buddyslim.  176 is what I saw.  I am not sad or anything, but I do know what got me here. 

Too much imbalance.  Too much World of Warcraft with not enough exercise.  More movement is the key.

I am not seeing foods negatively, but again, I need to add more of the lighter foods and decrease the heavy sweet foods.  I know I have had plenty of animal protein and this slows my digestion.  So, I was lost yesterday as I tried to think, well what path will work best for me?  Weight watchers always comes to mind, but I do not want to start the year doing this.  I share as I have shared here before, this helps so much if you have never thought to look at what you eat.  It is a really good start for those who are new to loosing weight.  But this only reinforces the perfectionism and the negative ideas that I do not need.  But I need structure. I do I do….. lol   So, the plan is to aim for 6-10 points per meal for a maximum of what would be 30 and this is about a 1500 calorie day.  And I am not saying NO EATING AT NIGHT, but I really wish to not eat at night unless it feels like I will have trouble sleeping due to hunger.  Snacking is something I would like to knock-off my routine at night.

There is some comparing I did this Christmas just to keep me from getting frustrated.  One of the ladies in my cousins family who we spent Christmas dinner with made a comment when I said I was so cold.  She said, “maybe you need some body fat.”   Well that is both hilarious and sad.  Hilarious-Well I have plenty and too much for my frame.  This is not the sad part.  The sad part is, I am the littlest female and person in my entire family and also everyone at that dinner.  Yikes!  This makes me sad because I know that excess weight (the kind that makes one obese) means that one and all are at an increased rate for health related ilness.  :(  So I knocked off the craziness that might occur in my head if I were to stay there.  Nope, I came out and found some perspective.  Yes I have some habits to get back to (portions and respecting/loving myself with what is the right amount for me-exercise and diet), but there is no need to get worked up with things.  So I have gained, now it is time to start fresh and find that balance again. 

I want new things for 2009.  I want to feel empowered.

I know the weight loss list, but I should just reinforce it here as it is the last day of the year. 

-to prepare interesting and healthy meals more often then not as to feel satisfied (TOO MANY bowls of cereal when I came back to Saskatoon because I just did not seem to care.  No more of that.)

-plenty of fruits and veggies, balanced eating, keep my protein regular and my animal ptrotein (more fish) to the portion good for my digestion (2-3 oz), water, herbal tea, green tea (decaf and regular), vitamins, limit the sugar  

-workout at least 5 out of 7 days a week.  No less then 45 minutes.  I am only firm with this, because this is what has got me here.  A little poofy, but thank goodness I am keeping the perspective.  Gentle, calm……. and as Bif would say, I” love myself today, not like yesterday, I’m cool, I’m calm, I gonna be okay” ….. hell this is going to be a great year.

-do what ever it takes to find the joy and laugh.  Laugh often.

Wishing everyone a great day.  NOW, I am off to workout out.  Happy New Years Eve everyone.  Have a safe and fun night.

Peace and love…..

(Note:  Learning is good no matter what happens, ideal or not so ideal.  Education is education.  For instance, I learned that mixing chocolate pudding powder, the cook on stove kind, with plain yogurt is tasty.  Just as I thought it would be.  Still, this I had to learn by trying.  Now this does not mean I have to do it again, anytime soon anyways.  *rolls eyes* 

yes, yes, yes….. more whole foods and less sweets…… yes, yes, yes…. *puts that angel back on my shoulder for guidance*  lol)

Four days with the ‘family’

Empty greed and shallow gifts

Alone, now with simple carbs and no desire for good quality food,

I ate a days worth of noodles and spicy Kung Pao sauce in one sitting.

This was my first binge in well over 3 months.

I know if I had just posted the blog that I worte instead of just keeping it as a draft,

I might not have felt so alone.

I just didn’t want to share.

Everything has been fake and I just did not want to be real here.  How crazy is that?

But the noodles were real. 

 So why not write about the other reality?

 Nope, just noodles.

Today is a joyous day, because the only thing real is NOODLES and that is only half bad.

From this day forward,

I am aiming for truthful and honest

as simple as

noodles in sauce.

Noodles do not pretend to be something they are not.

They just are.  No claims.  Some fame.

Entangled.  Nothing else.

Infamous and delightful, real noodles.

I can not believe since I have been home I have eaten chocolates, choptle kettle chips, noodles, cereal and okay, salmon, olives, bananas, yogurt and pickles.  Aiming for balance and portions - AND VEGGIES.  I bought them, but they just have not appealed.  Anywho, getting back on track………

Intuitive Eating all the way.  No points.  I am aiming to get back on track withOUT the shit load of control I am craving.  Gentle, loving, me.

Cheers to my holidays being over.

Cheers to green tea!  Off to enjoy a wonderful and perfect cup of green tea (decaf - it’s 10 at night).