Jennifer

Setting my goals has not really been working.  I know how I want to eat and it is spiritually, emotionally and environmentally directed.  I need this for myself.  If one lives by any kind of morals then it should make things a lot easier when it comes to choices, right?  Ha, yeh right!  Well I am hoping.  I am tired of feeling selfish and over indulgent.  I know George is visiting soon, Good old George, but I have not worn the fat pants is a darn long time.  Time to think like the Buddha would and get real with myself.   I desire more for myself then the instant gratification that is over and done with before the sweetness is even swallowed.  NO MORE.  Where is my temple that was so near?  No more.

I am not sad.  I am glad to see things so clearly.   This is my new moment to progress not digress.
Only positive thoughts.

On the news of exercise because the other was a tadpole short of ideal, I walked and walked around downtown checking out the street fair.  Found some cheap books that I am really excited about.  So I would say my knee is MUCH better.   I need to get back into shape though.   This is the longest I have ever gone being so sedentary and I will never take for granted again the ability to MOVE and MOVE a lot.  The excess on my legs and behind let me know today that I have had ENOUGH!

And so I ask myself each time I eat this week, “is that Temple-quality food?” or “is this Earth-friendly food?”  I even made the cards to remind me.  I have a short memory sometimes.  *rolls eyes*………

Respect?   Oh yes I do deserve it.

I have received some good words from some buddies and no I am not going to be hard on myself, but truly I have really taken a few steps backwards. I do not know why. I do not feel sad, but it is time to get real. Am I mad? Perhaps a little. Am I ready to eat proper small meals often and exercise regularly? Yes. YES I AM.

I have recently started a new section where I am reading what I already believe in my heart - healing and maintaining health is so much in our capabilities. There are so often negative energies present in our bodies that deter us from being well in our minds and bodies. Illness is manifested so often as a result of negativity whether it be our thoughts about ourselves, stress or other toxins. I have to do better. I need to deal with out food. Boredom, sadness, fear….. Food is not the answer.
There is none of this past sadness about not being at goal or not being better then I have been. The time to start is always now.

So what are my little steps for the next 3 days?

-No eating at night.

-workout early-before work/studying, some kind of activity at night (something light so I do not feel energized when I need to sleep)

-eating well and balanced

Simple.

Now.

I think this little cutey lost her tail? Well that is sort of how I feel sometimes. Just not quite complete.  But I am getting back to it. Just like that. Little by little……

Have a great night Everyone! We are all worth it and WE ALL CAN DO IT.

I have been truly awful lately diet wise and so since my hockey team (the Oilers) and I have both been sucking, I decided to post my legs. Maybe THE OILERS WILL START TO WIN TOO!!! Most who know me have never seen my legs, well, they are looking pretty okay these days and I would like them to not go back to a time where they were the body part I would do anything to hide. So, I am trying to be a good girl these days and stop eating junk. NO MORE CRAP. What good is a detox if I continue to eat nutritionally deficient foods (white bread, corn nuts?, tarts, SUGAR!) Just trying so hard to get back to my good place. I thought I was there, but it is tough to get back after a bad 2 months of being a little junkie. Only my muscles have saved me from not increasing my clothing size.

And yes, gentle, gentle gentle……. Just do not want to feel awful anymore……..

It is not even about the weight loss or getting to goal, it is just about achieving good health by feeding myself better.

Peace and happiness….

So, I feel like I am getting practiced up for the holidays by using the American Thanksgiving to test out my will power. Craziness I tell ya. Well one thing is for sure, in the last couple years I have been so much more aware of what I am putting in my mouth and I thank WW for this. I really would be lost with out the idea of portions. But a day like yesterday all reason seemed to go out the window. Well I am reasonable more often then not and I want so much for myself so I start new. There is nothing like the challenge of a weekend to get you revved up! lol Then there are the Roughriders (Saskatchewan’s football team) who have made it to the Grey Cup. Now I am a hockey fan not a football fan, but I am psyched. Very neat. So I am off to workout and then get busy on making Christmas presents. Not sure what to make guys when it comes to beads. ??? I may actually have to step foot into the malls WHICH ARE ALREADY CRAZY BUSY !!!

After a crap couple of days, LOVE my potty mouth this fine Saturday AM, I started out with a healthy breakfast and am now off to work out on the elliptical for as long as I can. I can never go long after a heavy food day the day before, but we shall see how it goes.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Note to Self:

Healthy food

Water

Activity

A Good Attitude

Good Sleep

Food Log

[Meeshka and I both love hard boiled egg whites….. When she gets a little she always thinks it’s Christmas….hehe]

I had a little slip up yesterday. With a little stress, and there has been a bit in the last 4-5 days, it was the wrong time for me to forget my B6 vitamin yesterday AM. Bad girl! lol My whole day was great until last night when I turned into a Twink and loaded up on carbs and too much fat (good and bad and too much!). No guilt. Shit happens. I am aware of what the trigger was and though that is no excuse, it does explain things a little. Anyways, all is well. Today is a better day and it is all semi-planned with work. I will record my intake here just for shits and giggles (lol…. I wish I made that up, but it is from a movie… “shits and giggles”) and return if anything changes.

Intake:

Breakfast- Shake: 3/4 c frozen unsweetened cranberries, 3/4 c blueberries, about 1 T. fresh ginger, 2 T. flax seeds, water (vitamins, including my B6 !), …….Chlorella

Snack- 1/3 c oatmeal sweetened with cinnamon, 1 c. of a shake I made for David - water, pomegranate juice, protein powder, flax, blueberries, cherry yogurt (w/splenda)

Lunch- Veggies, open faced veggie sandwich with veggies, 1 oz. of Colby cheese, pickle, mustard/yogurt/dill dressing, 1 c. homemade carrot/sweet potato soup, (did not have the yogurt b/c I felt full), green tea

Snack- apple, red pepper, Vega, Ca. supplement

Supper- 3 oz salmon steak, 1/2 c. lentil curry, veggie salad (many different kinds, no lettuce), Earl Grey tea

I BINGED !!!

I am giving myself complete freedom these days to know that 28 is likely where I function best with my activity. That is 1400-1500 calories and specifically my metabolism may function optimally here. But I am still “listening” for that hunger and feeding it. Also, this is enough carbs to keep me thinking well, functioning, feeling happy and so anymore points/food will come from protein… well that is the plan. No more thoughts about last night. The Twink has left the building!

Activity: 30 minutes on the elliptical, free weights & leg lifts (about 30 minutes), walk to work (40 minutes)

Actual Workout: 30 minutes of the elliptical, 15 minutes of free weights and leg lifts (hopes to do more later after work… we will see.) and I will walk 40 minutes.

ALL GOOD WORDS, BUT I BINGED….. Moving on!

Tiresome BS.  I am letting things get to me these days and I have completely lost my mojo.  I am moving all right, but food is getting the better of me.  I want to know what makes people succeed.  What do winners tell themselves to get to the end of the race.  Blah blah blah… This is not a race.  No kidding!  But without some determination, whiners are still whining whereas winners are celebrating.  I am not sure if WW is the place for me to lose the last few pounds or what.  Should I go back or should I not?  I just do not want to be a whiner.  I want to get this done.  I need to clean up the trash in my world, kick it to the curb and get real with myself!  I am letting too many things bother me.  There are countless things that do not matter.   Really, there are things that matter and then there are things that do not.   I need a strategy to deal with things before they happen.  Like when I experience someone’s words that are complete BS or obnoxiousness, I can implement my strategy and feel cool (as in temperature) with my plan and action.   I do feel better in that I am not getting angry, but I am inwardly going inside myself like a retreating animal and I can feel myself eating my way into a hibernating state.  Well, I see it and can not be blind or pretend it is ok.  I post it here, well now I really have to try another solution.  I am just not sure what my plan is yet, but I am thinking hard.  Ha!  (………several minutes passed)  All I know, going back is NOT an option.  Fat is not a good fit for me.  And yet without this site I would be headed that way.  Without this site, after my hard interval walk this AM followed by my excessively large breakfast with my side of self pity and anger, with out this site, I would still be wallowing in destruction and sadness.  Now, I am free from that cycle and ready to create a fresher and more positive day.  That is what I can do.  I can make it better.  I can win this race because I do have 2 Beings inside me.  They are so different from each other, but there is the Healthy, Positive, Confident ME and there is the the Self-Hating, too Highly Influenced, Negative ME.  Who is going to win the race?  (This idea of a race was inspired by a blog I read today and so I thank that competitive lady who is possibly going to race with her Mom for the more fit body.)  Today I begin my race.  I really am cheering for positivity.  I am cheering for my true me.  The me that is not influenced by the Outside Darkness.

Thank you Dr. Marc for this site.  I did a little search and this is still the best in my opinion.

Green tea with lemongrass cheers…..

A Setback: Fix what you can, move around it or through it and forge ahead.

Today is a new day!  Things have not been all rosy. In no particular order the following are my hindrances and issues: my wrist is acting up which has made some activity and even day to day life impossible (certainly weights are out! Bloody shit!), general not feeling like I can do anything right in my world, some people are grating on my nerves and I ate crappy yesterday. I know it is not a big deal long term but it will make it look like I had a bad week when I weigh in tomorrow. I really did not. Why do I do this? I let things bother me and then I self destruct. Not quite. I am not exploding or imploding. I am handling things emotionally pretty well but I had one bad day. My heart says that not yelling at people is good and that eating a big meal and having some no-portioned snacks is better then ripping into a rage, crying or becoming all depressed. I see this as true. Besides I have been so good lately, maybe I should have allowed myself to have some daily treats. Just something little would be good. I knew when I was eating why it was happening. I could see myself and understood myself, and yet I still wanted. I seemed at peace with this. At the same time I know I chose to not deal with somethings yesterday and maybe that was part of my issues too. Maybe putting things off just for a bit was my way of cooling off. Well I have to believe that at least some decisions were made for good reasons. That was yesterday. Today is today. I can not mend my week. You see I know my body and the food I ingested yesterday will affect my weigh in tomorrow, BUT that does NOT mean that I have had a bad week. I AM NOT GOING TO LET THIS SPIRAL. I will weigh in tomorrow, but I am also going to continue on my good path with my plan and weigh in either Tuesday or Wednesday. That will be good. Sometimes I feel it is easier to have a a few good days then 6 or 7 great days. I seem to want to prove to myself that I can have an awesome weigh in. I put too much pressure on myself. And I know why! I want to show myself that I am good. That is crazy but true. But I also have a weight loss goal of course! Though I am not so competitive in a group (I always want others to be well, I want to see people happy and never want to bring anyone down and that is why the Team thing does not work for me) I really want to do well for myself. I do want to be more and and to be better then I felt like I was programmed to be. Strange, but I am in a really good place and it is completely do to EMDR. I was lost really in my own maze of a head and my dear therapist in all her inexperience (I swear I felt like a rat because she was kind of new to it) got me thinking better. Life does not change. It is always going to happen! But I am dealing better. Not perfect. Just better. And though I have faltered a bit, it does not equal complete failure. I know this. I feel like I have written this blog many times. I keep playing the same CD. Why? What am I not getting? I really ought to be approaching a reality or something…hehe

So I am am sticking to my plan. My plan was good. I just have to be careful not to stress out my wrist. This old injury just asks up like a spoiled child. I will be feeling it when I am old for sure. I love doing free weights now. I can not believe I am saying this as I have hated weights forever. Anyways, I am focusing on legs which is not a bad thing. It might even be a good thing to just do legs and backside since they are my problem spots. Perspective is everything. And for sure, the negatives of this week were minor in the whole scope of my life. MOVING ON…….. *smiles bright*