Jennifer

….the number until I reach my mini goal.  One down.

Strength Contract will be completed by tomorrow, though I did not exercise everyday, no kidding, I did all right.  Posted on a previous blog.

Onward and hopefully downward with a renewed interest in pilates and yoga.  I am looking into taking a class, one or the other.  Will see about the cost and types.  But this will be something I do that is outside my comfort box.  Until I take a class I have a stack of DVDs to help create my body.

One cool thing, when I started here at BS I bought an on-sale satin camosole that I was sure would fit and it did not.  Well it sat in my drawer for a long time, then last week I tried it on for shits and giggles and wow, it is no longer tight around my rib cage.  IT FITS!  I am stoked!  :P  Yah for good surprises.

Most things that happen are really just not worth fretting over.  This week I work even a little more on not sweating the small stuff.

Who says you can’t send a booster note to yourself….lol  Well technically you can’t, but it is the little things we do for ourselves and the positive affirmations to ourselves.  Or even last week when I took note of what I wanted to say to myself and I said I wanted to avoid the negative words in my head.  All these things matter.  And I was not perfect at keeping the negative out.  But I have some new tricks up my sleeve.  Nothing will stop me from creating my best self in mind, body and spirit.  But my efforts come with a gentle touch and this is most soothing to me.

So, my countdown to my mini goal is on.  WW is good again.  It seems fresh and though I know it will bug me at some point, I am putting my big girl panties on (they still are fun though) and remembering to love myself, enjoy life and adhere to portions.  Of course the points were over this weekend and I enjoyed a little TOO much.  But even going over a little, ok a lot is still better then watching things skid completely off the path meal after meal.  This week more Balance and listening to my hunger.  This week I reward my body with healthy choices.  I am such a broken record!!!!

I want to give thanks for all that this body does for me and want to show it, good eats and respect.  This past week was such a scary week with the loss of Michael Jackson and it has had me thinking about my Grandmother whom I never met.  She died of heart problems when my Mom was 13 years old and sometimes lately I feel my heart is sad and over stressed.  So I am going to take note of my body signals and intuitively do what is best for me.

I use to do the unusual things, the fun things and did not care about anything that people thought.  Well I have wilted a bit and this week is about picking myself up and daring myself to be that person who just rocked her world.  So I dare myself to do the extraordinary and really think of this week as my last.  What would I do if it was my last?   Working on those fears, those fears that keep me all locked up and in pain.

Life is too short to sweat the small and it is all too short to not live… Repetition is good for memory…lol

I posed a question to myself about how I could be accountable to drop a couple and feel better.  Well I just enjoyed my food, tried to eat moderately, worked out when I could and stopped when I felt I needed, enjoyed a mini home spa and followed some good wisdom both from a friend and from my inner self.

Wishing everyone a great week.

Tappy tap tap tap!    Beating to my own drum……

Earl grey tea cheers to you !

I feel like talking positive is the only way to be positive, so it comes across as this is how I am.  Well those who know me, know I am anything but.  But I still come here because it is my only place to vent about my thoughts and concerns with regards to this weighiness.  :P  And I am glad I have not abandoned this because it is for me.  Regardless of certain things, this is still for me.

So I come here first.  I will not go to the freezer once for any cookie dough this week.  I will focus on my task at hand even though I feel completely stupid not understanding these ridiculous articles for my assignments.  I will let myself feel what ever emotions today and the sugary “foods” and cookie dough are not my go to’s.  I know it is that time of the month so I have these facts to bring me some ease.   I am not going nuts!  Oh goodie!!!  And here I thought it might be a cool way to have a vacation.  Oh grief, keep or dispose of the sarcasm???  Tough one….

Why did I make cookie dough yesterday?  I did not even over indulge.  David and I shared a couple and it was all good.  Now I have the rest frozen.  Do I like to torture myself?  Well clearly I had a craving and did not feel like denying myself.  Well it matters not now.  They are there and I am not eating them.  But, it was so close, early this AM.  I was looking at my assignment and they were calling me.  I looked at the computer and thought of Buddyslim and myself, my goals.  I felt that intense urge to move towards the dough, but no.  I chose to write this pathetic little blog that turns out, saved me for a bit.

Off to face the music of how I am studying for this crumby little course and have no idea what will come next.  Whatever, boo hoo.  First things first, this assignment that plagues me.  Then we will go from there.

The goal today is 3 good meals.  Will work out before or after lunch.  Whatever.  I will just do it.  Assignment.  No laundry or other things that will cause me lose focus.

How sad is it that the only thing I am looking forward to this week is walking in the rain and watching So You Think You Can Dance?   lol

Ok, everything will be all right……….  Concert was great, I did not over drink and it is a new week to do great things, even little great things.

Note to self: Do not let anything big or small overwhelm.   Breathe, feel my moment and become aware of the simple and essential pulse.  In the moment of stress, NOTHING is as important as regaining that relaxation and peace.  Then back to it !

Second Note:  I will not throw out the cookie dough.  I will not make an enemy out of them.  THEY are not my problem!  So many gems I have collected in this weight loss journey from some smart buddies. 

Off to complete todays goals…..

Peace.

A Tip: No eggs in the house at this time, but I still made cookies.  A perfect substitution for an egg,  1 egg= 1 teaspoon of flaxseeds blended well with 1/4 cup of water.  These are small amounts and of course you can not get it all out of the blender, so just a little bit more of the flax and water, blend well and measure it out into the 1/4 c.  This just works wonderful.  I have done this with cookies and breakfast muffins.

So I am awake.  Oscar has waken me up and for what, I do not know.  He has food.  Maybe it’s the rain.  My heavens it smell wonderful!  I feel weird today ??  but I am liking it.

I love it when I opt for a different breakfast and just enjoy the new flavor.   Even if it’s simple, it’s perfect.  A drizzle of agave and salted organic butter on brown rice bread toast was yummy with my 1/2 banana.  I woke up craving almond butter and it’s so weird, but I have noticed that when I crave something I often do not eat it slowly enough.  I thought a change was good and it was!  Most enjoyable! And no thoughts until after that maybe I did not get enough protein.  Why NOT chose the almond butter?  It’s a better choice right?  Well maybe not.  I should avoid most nuts.  The protein thing has been a problem, thinking I need more and more protein when infact, my body might have been saying less and less.  I reason this out since doing this diet and getting a little less protein I feel better.  And well I was so wrong, I can still lose weight and eat around 45-50 grams of protein.  Some days a little more.  Whatever I feel….

I thought I’d be irritable not having this large list of foods on this diet, but I feel clear and usually quite content.  There were times before I think I knew what it felt to be a drug addict…wanting, wanting, needing?  I would lie if I said I did not miss cheese and eggs…. I DO.  But my goal is about getting my intestinal health back into good shape….. just like the rest of me.   I have had soy and feel okay and I feel this must be because I have not had it really so much.   I am not going to start having it a lot either.  I am keeping it extremely moderate.  Like last night.  I made a small chocolate soy sundae with a couple cherries and a 1/4 of a banana…YUM.   Speaking of which I enjoyed that treat like I can not even tell you.  It was heaven!   I was slightly hungry, but I do need to watch out for the mindless night time eating.  I do not need it to creep back in.

The neatest thing about this diet, is there are times I want to eat something for shear boredom and NOTHING appeals.  Those former go to foods (corn, dariy, wheat, peanut) are the ones I can not have on this elimination/allergy diet.  So this is working out REALLY well for my weight loss.  *big smiles*  So many times I have just sat down realising, I was not hungry anyways!  Then there are times I am really hungry and I just eat something on the Can-Have-list.  All good.

Exercise is going well.  No more muffin top!!  Hip hip horray!!!  And my waist is back down to the low 30s instead of the mid 30s.  My legs are toning up and are down 1 whole inch.  LOL.  Well it’s progress.

One thing.  I want to see the documentary with Joaquin Phoenix called Earthlings.  The craziest thing is, it has been out since 2005!! Where have I been???  It’s about the treatment of animals by the world’s food producers. My problem is I feel better eating a diet that is best described as the Paleo-diet (hunter- gather, veggies, fruits, meat protein, seeds) + a vegan diet (I would normally say vegetarian because I would eat dairy and eggs, but not at the moment).  This works best for me I find.  Paleo and vegan are opposite but this is what my meals look like and I feel healthy.  But it has been brought to my attention in a very upset manner, you know who, my Big Sweet Pea, hehe, that if I watch the documentary I’ll be eating all vegan again….No!  That was not healthy for me!  Last time I changed our eating habits (though I still cooked my sweetie his meat sometimes : )  after I read Skinny Bitch and was inspired by the written text descriptions of animal treatments.  For god sakes if a hockey player goes vegetarian/soon to be vegan maybe (he says) after seeing Earthlings, well how am I suppose to resist when morally I already struggle sometimes with meat?  The fact is, I do feel better physically with a little meat.  Two to three ounces is usually enough most days out of the week.  But I really want to see it!  It’s like how they describe people gawking at a car wreck, only I can not do that.  So…….what to do.   I am at a loss.  I know I believe in the correct and human treatment of animals and this is achieved on some farms but NOT the massive farms where the majority of our animal protein comes from.  I feel conflicted.  I want to see it………………………………..  But David knows me and I do too.

Ahhh….. 7:35 AM  time to workout.  *deep breathing*

I am completely saddened right now.  My ear eczema is at times getting the better of me and I really can not deal with a bandaid solution of cortisone from the doctor.  This is clearly a situation where I must respect myself and my diet and keep the stress low/nil.  I am ON this Elimination diet so this should help.  No more bad fats-even good oils that are baked in store bought chips.  I seem to have flair ups after stress, lots of protein and bad fats.  OK.  I am going to breath and try not to be petrified.  Frick I sound melodramatic, but this is how I feel right now.   I will get through this WITH OUT CUTTING OUT MY EARS from the itching!  / :(   One saving grace - Yah I am not apparently contageous.  Though I am apparently my own worst enemy! - this being an autoimmune thing.  *rolls eyes*  Tell me something I don’t know! 

I have studied plenty about eczema, but not ear eczema so much.  Though I have to say, I have read enough on the Net and I am GOOD now.  I have some information and gathered bits and pieces here.  Now I will just do what I do.  Relax my mind (not easy, but I am working on this) and be committed to the plan.

Weight loss is not my issue or concern.  My goal is to maintain.  My plan is remaining itch free in my ears, keep them moisturized, taking my flaxseed and flaxseed oil, other supplements and lotioning up as my whole body is kind of dry.  I LOVE cocoa butter!!  I am avoiding all glycerin products because they bug me.  Oh did I say I LOVE COCOA BUTTER.  I smell like a giant cookie!  NOW, who needs sweets when you can smell your sweet self all day?! lol  Though I am craving fats ( is my body not getting fats?, so I am taking plant enzymes including lipase and will be talking to my doctor), I am not at all craving sweets.  In fact they actually look like poison to me and I could care less at this time.  Yuck, and yucko to many things…..alcohol, anything refined, bad fats, even most meat.

I am going to keep up with the contract - 3-4 days of strength, 30 or 30+ !  I also need to walk, do yoga and some unique cardio activitites that help me drain my lymph nodes.  It is all good.  Excercise will keep my spirits up.  Just need to listen to my body and not over do it.

Note, bathing is a treat as those will know!  Must avoid water in ears.  I think after a few experiences, I have it down.  lmao.  Living and learning as I go…. I find a drop of mineral oil in each ear and having extra cotton balls near by to switch when they become wet better then just coating the outside of the cotton ball with Vasoline.  That messiness did not work for me and I thought it was really coated…nope.

All right, I feel excellent at this moment as this seemed to be good spiritual detox, so I am going to enjoy the moment!

Any personal stories are welcome.   Especially if you can share some light and good stories of people recovering.  Thank you.

I am a little shocked because it has never taken so little to cause me to go from healthy to a little off balance with the emotions and my health.  I would be lying if I said I was fine.  I was a little frustrated, but am a little better today.

My sugar intake began with a balsamic salad dressing, then I had hoison sauce, a peanut sauce dip, some Thousand island dressing, then a few bites of cake and then some Wendy fries.  Yes their fries have sugar in them!   Weird.  THIS IS THE ONLY SUGAR/SWEETNER I had in 18 days.  So I am not blaming the sugar for my issues but I feel it is a contributing factor.  Ahhh how I just started to convince myself that it was all right.  Well seriously, other then feeling awful yesterday, it is not a big deal…lol  The thing is, I can start over.  Today is day 1 for no sugar.  Tonight is night 23 for NO mindless night time eating.  I am keeping some perspective though, as this is the healthiest and best I have ever felt, until this last day.  What matters is that I have awareness and I am not beating myself up over anything.  Even with these little goals, they are more for fun than say obsessive goals and reprimands.  It is more fun and it keeps me more focussed BECAUSE I am like a little kid, I just want and want and want…..  And without this awareness, I have had and had and had in the past.  So Jenny’s 30 day challenge was in fact better then I could have imagined.  It is like a leather collar and chain only, I like it.

And I do well when I am not on a team, but rather I am just doing it for myself.

I would start the sugar challenge all over again if I could have a new tasty experience with food like I did with part of that piece of cake (I WILL NOT describe it….hehe).  It was awesome to share with my sweetie, though I must say, I hardly knew he was there, I was so involved with the pleasurable cake, my drug.  My bad!! lol   So strange, but I think in the past I have tried to achieve that new experience with food when it is good, but it is never as good as the first palatable experience.   Hmmm….

I am making one exception though because life is too short to live with SUCH restrictions.  I am allowing for a little raw honey or an equivalent in say somthing like that cranberry spinach salad that I mentioned in a previous blog. ;)  YUM.  If I want, that will be a treat to enjoy.

What I learned when I just had those few foods that were sweetened with sugar.  I ENJOYED THEM so much!  I really aprreciated and savored whereas I never use to.  That was a good thing to realise.
Holding onto this little treasure…..

Intuitive Eating can work and it can also not work for me.  It works when I am balanced, but when I am not balanced, that ‘intuitive choice’ might be more of an unhealthy desire.  So the 10 principles still are the healthiest I have ever found.  I just know I have needed to address my little addictions and formulate new ways of being.

Goal: find my balance, reclaim my hormones and feel healthy again. And play with my will power and continue with this lifestyle of option for sugar free choices instead of countless food choices that are filled with various kinds of sweeteners.

I will likely only toot my own horn if I make it to my 30 days, that is if I don’t lose tract.  It could happen.  ;)  Other then that, no more talk of sugar.  It gives nothing back to my life by eating it (ok…. a few moments of pleasure) or talking about it.  The fact is, my body does better with out it.  So….. moving on……

Boy o boy….. I recall just writing recently about how excellent I have been feeling.  Things changed quickly, but luckily I am back on my wagon and am enjoying life.  Off to walk around the river with a friend.  It is such a cool day, but it will be great.  My first river walk of the year. 

More and more I am coming on here, not my computer *frowns*, because this is still the only place I can express my weighty thought and concerns.  I think I have been talking less about things then I use to with David as things are just great in my head.  I really like where I am at.  From the outside I am sure it looks like control, but I am enjoying life, food and not worrying about this or that.  I truly have been feeling good.  But the problem is David still thinks that I am going to get all worried and stressed if I have some sugar (because he knows my goals are important to me) and I am just more relaxed then I have ever been?  What is the problem?  I think he feels guilty or fear or both because I had a bit of his sugary treat yesterday.  I perhaps should have resisted, but it was not about my goal.  I feel I will not explain this well, but I just felt good with everything and wanted to prove to myself that food/sugar was not my enemy.  And I enjoyed my entire meal and a few bites of a treat, without rushing.   I always tend to eat fast at a restaurant and I enjoyed it like it was one wonderful hour of shear bliss, because it was.  I think I liked the act of chewing really slow and experiencing every unique texture and flavor.  And I did NOT fear sugar.   I was not craving, I just was living in the moment with peace.    So I ENJOYED.  I was able to enjoy….. And I think it was a show for David too, who seemed to enjoy me eating with such intent and pleasure.  Just that thing at the end with the treat.  NOW, the day after, I understand why he was the way he was.

I am still opting for foods that do not have sweeteners, but the more I have thought about this part of my goal, the more I have felt like it is not the big thing for me.  I started this because I ate a shit load of chocolate chips.  I still could not figure that one out and I do not care.  The only thing that matters is what I choose to do with each new moment with food now.  Food and I are going to work together to achieve some greatness, but I will not be afraid.  I have been in the past, fearful I guess because of where my head has been at.  Really when I have overloaded my body with junky foods (not a judgement, just fact), I have not been able to deal well with stress and life.  But there is a balance within and I know if I can just learn confidence (a mystery!?) then I will be set.  But as it is, I feel peace with the many things that have been sources of stress in the past.

The freedom from mindless night time eating has been wonderful for me.  And I like not worrying about, well what if I am hungry!?  Well, if I am hungry, I will eat something!!!  What a concept.  I did not become overweight in my life because I ate when I was hungry.  lol.  By respecting my hunger, my metabolism does not live in fear.  Rather if rewards me with a half pound here and a half pound there, LOST.  Ok, I will take this and be thankful.  It is about the little changes after all…..

My goals are now just more like lifestyle or healthy ways of being.  Still I need to pat myself of the back, I have gone 21 days without mindless eating.  What does this mean?  Well most nights I have only had herbal teas, decaf tea, water or Caflib.  Some nights I have had fruits or veggies.  And only one night when I ate light through out the day did I absolutely need to feed my true hunger….I enjoyed that rye toast and fruit like it was heaven on a plate.  It would have been disrespectful to not eat.  Not to mention it would have been negative for me who is trying to work on the metabolism, not put it into sleep mode again.   So this is the goodness that came from some intensity yesterday.  I will take all the heated moments and joys in life as it all sculpts me into this person I am meant to be.

I feel like I’m letting everyone down in my life and I had a few moments where I let myself down too, but it stops when I allow it to.  My mind just persists sometimes….  But time to focus on some other necessities.  So today, right now, is the opportunity to be the warrior in my life.

Thank you to Melanie for this wonderful image!  I needed this as a little reminder.  No one else is going to live this life for me.  Time to stand by my decisions without the guilt.

Life.

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. “

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And this is so I don’t take things too too seriously.  Fun….

You do not give up!  And I am assuming that you just kept on doing your best.  You do not get all stressed because you know this packs on the pounds.  You do not worry about altering calories or recording them to the precise number.  You did not have the time, because you had a life to live and it did not fit in.  You were okay with this.  You relaxed, KNOWING that by doing things gently (no extremes), that all would come to be.  You know that respecting yourself creates a gentle balance within that is true beauty, harmony and optimum for all body functions including weight loss.  You know that extreme diets and exercise are hard on the body, leaving one altered, depleted and eventually, MOODY!   You know that eating a bit more one day or a bit more healthy fat than “ideal” is okay and even healthy.  You know that chosing fruits and vegetables more often just feels better.  You know that movement should feel good.  Maybe for once, you were just listening to the wisdom of your body and so balance was actually achieved at a cellular level.  Even though! if you were to ask a dieter or read an article or book, you might feel inadequate.  YOU KNOW BETTER !

Months from now this is what I think………………………………. My clothes fit better and I feel at peace.   It was really this easy?  Why in the hell did I make things so difficult?  Answer: I let a commerical society dictate “what I know” when the only knowing comes from with in.  Finally, I listened.  Still, the emotional times are not ALWAYS so easy.  That seems to be the most difficult of it all.  Sometimes it is just fine to sit in the unknown and know it’s okay too.

Inspired by a plateau buster & a self hater here at Buddyslim. 

Feeling sad about some personal life stuff and I am facing one meal of emotional eating head on (with peace) realising that I do not want it to continue.   The portions were fine, but for health reasons I need to not chose poorly.  No matter what B.S. stress is going on, IT IS SO NOT WORTH screwing myself over. I am better than this!  I deserve better then this!  I just need to be a little thoughtful of my choices today. I am calling it Emotion Awareness Day.  When I feel a negative emotion today, I am going to write it down and think for a minute of two about it. How will I just identify the emotion when I never seem to any other time?  I will be wanting dairy or chocolate!  This I know of me.  Anyways, when I want, I will just identify the emotion I am really feeling, feel that emotion, be uncomfortable for a few minutes and deal. I am strong and I have lost about 10 pounds of those that I gained. I am not about to start up again with some old bad habits.  Nothing and nobody is worth me emotional eating.  Those food choices will only screw with my body chemisty and I want to feel hot, sexy, awesome and beautiful.  Poor choices will cause me to go inward and I desire a more extroverted me.  I will post any emotions and how I dealt with them here.  This is me, being proactive today.  I would rather be here for me, then silent with myself.  I am afraid to not be here at Buddyslim today.  So, I am here, hopeful and proactive. 

*smiles*March 26, 2009.

*signed*   Me - Jennifer L. P.

Remember: I love myself today!

Today I felt the following emotions and this is how I dealt with them:  (Hey, just writing this, I could be hyper-aware and not WANT, well it could happen. :):)  But I am hoping forethought is my insurance.  I have come so far in my thinking.  Not being so restricted and really respecting the needs of my body.   I have actually lost weight by exercising a little less, eating mostly whole foods and respecting my hunger and satisfaction.   I WILL learn to deal with the uncommon and unpleasant emotions damnit….lol  *said in a cutsy fun way* UPDATE:

I watched a very controversial movie this weekend, Bill Maher’s Religulous.  And it made me think of my past ‘religious’ practises with diet and weight loss.  It has been so much nicer lately to get back to exercising and really enjoying food without the Food Police or Exericse Police speaking in the back of my head.  Whether it is simple nutricious foods or indulging in some yum yums (Dim Sum yesterday), it has all been good again.  I mean, the idea that one has to be so focused all the time in order to lose just seems so ridiculous to me now.   It seemed logical, ‘dieting’, when I was gaining and maintaining, but my body was just revolting, for little while.  It was whispering to me, speaking and then SHOUTING AT ME!!!  When I was gaining and maintaining it was pure frustration.  But I found it in me to back away, relax, believe in my studies and regroup.  What is important to me?  What makes me tick?  Who am I and if I am being real with myself, what does this look like?  I am learning to be okay with doubt in some areas of my life knowing that I do not have to solve everything.  I do not have to get everything done.  I can enjoy my mind (it is a fun place to be when I am not stressed) and I do not have to lose my entire Being by thinking there is something More.  Doubt about the little-big things is better for me then trying to find meaningless psuedo-answers.   Relaxing with the unknown is not so bad at all and I feel so much more peaceful. 

This being said, I am going to listen to science and in 2ish weeks, after elliminating certain foods that I am sensitive to I will come back and share how much weight I have lost.  I do not even feel the need to cross my fingers and toes…lol   I weighed in for myself (175) and will share how much weight I have lost by not eating those not so ideal foods for my body … consistant exercise too with days off of course.  Who knew cells could be so pissy!  I might even post a pic.  I just had to take down my other pic as I did not think it was me.  Oh good, this body is not me anyways.  I know this, but I still want some new and fresh clothes too, so there is some reality to form and it’s importance.  You know, there is health, but it is the clothes that I want too.  ;)  I do not even want little skimpy clothes, I just want clothes that reveal the true me.  I can not figure out why I can not find a style that seems like me.  Do I just not care about clothes?  Weird? I mean I could seriously shop the Salvation Army and feel good especially if I got a good deal.   Still I think investing in clothes will be good for me as I start to not be a student.  

Goal until I come back with an update:  Write down some personal Body Practice philosophies (see Rae’s profile) and love myself as much as I can handle.  And an example of this is, and I have been doing this somewhat consistently, when I am down I do something like showering and giving myself a nice spa scrub, moiturize myself with a nice body butter and then realise that this body does a lot for me and I am grateful for every inch, cellulite and all !  It is so much easier to eat well and move in a good way when you love yourself instead of saying negative things to or about yourself.

Have a wonderful week Everyone.