Jenn

I have been inspired by a new lady here to try Bikram Yoga.  I did some research to see if there is any hot yoga classes in Saskatoon and it turns out that there is one in all of Saskatchewan.  I am THRILLED because it is HERE!!!  I do not know why this seems so appealing as I do not try anything that involves exercise and multiple bodies.  I just do not feel at ease with it, usually.  But this seems to really feel right and exciting and new.  My bones are going to love the heat….75 minutes of heated yoga.  I recall really feeling invigorated by the Sweat that I went to once so I am so psyched.  *SCREAM*

I am going to be one sweaty body and I will report back here my experience.  Monday.

I have nothing to report about what has been going on in this head of mine.  I am still remembering my reminders from Monday, but I have been a bit all over the place.  I am happy to say that I am not moody at all about updating my ticker.  It just is not about that.  I want it all.  I want to be further ahead in my life then I am.  But I am here.  I must enjoy what I have.  Live. Love. Laugh.   And oh yeh, sweat baby sweat!

Have a sexy, beautiful, hot, cool, exciting, relaxing weekend.  No I am not high.  I do not even feel manic.  It’s about time I tried something new!

This week I learned so much about myself just by saying from the beginning of the week “I am going to try and not judge food or myself when I eat”.  Now I never thought I did before but of course how could we not when we are trying to lose weight???  I say “oh I so what to have this, but it is not really on my plan.  I mean I want to lose weight, is that a good choice?”  Well foods are not the enemy.  I still believe there is a lot of fake food out there for our potential consumption (Ha!), but nothing is off limits.  All that matters is where my mind is when I am providing my body with energy and nutrition. 

And this week, my mind has been here and there and everywhere, but my tools were with me to deal and enjoy.  What I noticed was that my body is not always hungry at the same time.  Feeding my actual hunger was a real good thing but somewhat of a challenge.  No points or calories were recorded.  I did not really journal, but when I was thinking about eating or eating I was aware of the positivity of my hunger and the occasional negativity of my thoughts.  It was wonderful to be an observer of my thoughts and not trapped in them. 

I did experience some mini binges (2) but it did not spiral and it did not mean anything.  Sure better choices could be had.  They ended soon after starting because I was THERE with myself.  I was not alone.  My company was plenty.  I did make a correlation to what foods I like to binge on and what I did when I was younger, feeling alone and scared.  It was really strange.  I almost always then and now go for milk products.  I never had them so much early in life but really had a lot in high school as I ballooned.  It was a comfort for some reason.  Anyways, this week I tried to have other foods when I wanted to eat and I felt myself consuming less…. It was a neat experience to NOT WANT ANY MORE…..  Very cool.  My hunger was satisfied.

I did feel the stress of not losing weight fast enough, because this process is sure to be so slow as it is not so weight centered.  It is behavior centered with the long term goal being health and achieving MY optimum weight.  This is something I will deal with and accept.  My ideal body weight is unknown.  I have to accept certain genetic factors for sure.  Yesterday it came to me who I am most like.  Sure I am over 200 pounds less then my aunt, but we are very similarly shaped.  We are pears, though I am a little more like an hour glass with my broad shoulders.  The weight will come off as it so wants.  Not really how I wish I could manipulate it.  (Doesn’t work anyways.)   By letting go of the control over food and diet, I noticed that control in other areas of my life picked up, so I was with those thoughts too and soon peace embraced me.   Things are so much better when you relax.  It has been a long time since I have said, I had a great week. Yah!

The scale says I gained today but it knows nothing of the fun I had yesterday.  It is not true weight.  We spent 8 hours geocaching yesterday and it was so much fun.  Food was not the focus, though some planning might have been an idea instead of some of the choices we made.   But it was nice to let go.  Could have drank more water too. *notes for next time* 

Just to share one experience we had, it seemed that something was lost when we were out and about and maybe I was not freaked out so much as it was not my loss, but I just felt at ease and then it was found.  David and I were in such a good place….hmm, relief?  And there for our fun was a bottle bubbles in the treasure box and so we blew bubbles and felt like kids in the middle of Somewhere Great.  It was priceless. 

Goals for my upcoming week: Review the principles of Intuitive Eating and consider some more then others, finish the business section of my course which gives me hives (lol) and have more fun…….  Maybe a loss too.   Have a great week Everyone. *hugs*

So I weighed in early to, a sneak preview so to speak, but the scale was giving me 3 completely different numbers. Hmmm…. I do not care about finding a new scale either. I will get weighed at the doctors soon enough when I go for my physical. I do not need the scale to tell me my my size 10s are snug. Wore them today. So I know what I need to do, but I do not feel pressure or ticked off. Time to eat like a thin chick, but more importantly then watching those portions and drinking plenty of fluids is to continue with the exercise. My size has not changed really. I am still 30/41 (wasit/hips) so I just need to get smart. I saw a direct correlation with stress and FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, love handles ??? All righty! Yeh that was good feed back. Junk plus stress equals badness….bad love (handles). Anyways, I am not giving up on my goals, but if my 10s are comfortable, I am pretty okay with this. Why the surrendering/attitude change?

I LOVE HOW MY OVER ALL BODY LOOKS. No it is not perfect, but I look better when I am a little more fuller on top. I start dieting TOO much and I look weird on top, BUT I figure a bit slower, more definition on the bottom, maybe another permanent 10 lost this year, and maybe this is good Jennifer speed.

This week has been really tough for me. I do not like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day for personal reasons. But if I can start to put those foods down before things get out of hand, well then I say I am a success. There are times when in life I have felt completely alone and scared and I ate and ate and ate. Those behaviors are still with me, but my past does not define me. I am grateful for a smaller stomach that does not allow for lots of food. That is the thing with eating slow, the hunger comes quicker. And so I do not have to keep going. I can have some cake or whatever and then I can stop. Thin people eat whatever, they just do not eat it ALL! And when I do indulge, a bit too much, well there is always activity. I love movement. My muscles are doing some good work for me these days. They are keeping my form pretty decent. What else can a girl ask for? Love for me? Yeh, not getting down on myself is the BEST NEWS I HAVE TO SHARE. I feel cool and calm and motivated.

OK… I will ask…. I want to find a flattering bathing suit. Thank you Santa. But I think this will require going to a real swim suit store and not Walmart…. they are so awful…all of them! lol The colors, the weird buckles- bamboo and metal, the styles….. YUCK! NO bling bling! I do need to try in on though. I just can not order on line. Am I procrastinating? Entirely possible.

What I am most pleased with, MY MOM who is over weight and has high cholesterol is going on and on about how she is changing her food choices. I think this is so awesome, but everyone has to come to that certain thing, IN THEIR OWN TIME. Had a good conversation with her today.

Ahhh…… finding some balance and enjoying this ride. I hope you are too. Have a great week! *hugs*

So, how do people who do Weight Watchers handle the OOPS I WENT OVER MY POINTS THIS WEEKEND.  I have to say I like starting on a Friday, because then you can indulge, BUT THEN you must get back on track and start your week like you want to get something accomplished.   Still I did over indulge a tad.  No, no chastising!  Just good workouts that will continue through out the week.

I indulged on the dairy, fries (?wtf?) and cookies.  But then I also worked out something fabulous on Friday and Saturday and then went a bit lighter on Sunday.  So, I am human.  I never eat fries anymore . I just do not want, but I did crave and did not resist - I ENJOYED.  Could have eaten the last few slower or stopped though, that would have been lady like…LOL  Anyways, I wish you all a great week.  And I will use my 25 each day, like a lady and not a wolf.

Respecting me and the oh so smaller stomach I have.  I think I kind of know what it must feel like for those who have gastric bypass surgery and then have an ounce to much food.  Wow.  Feel the fullness and stop, OH YEH!  Thin people stop eating when full.  Good tip!  *remember THIS as one of my goals*

Hugs to you, hugs to me…….. and a better and better we will be……  Grief, must stop now. 

(And Buddyslim and my blog are always here.)

Why can’t I do well with my food lately? I swear I am a little devil….Not quite. I seriously think it might be emotional and related to how I have felt cooped up lately. It is so cold and my health is not great. I should be making good and healthy choices, but I am not. I thought that getting away from the journal would be good, but it has not gotten better. Well it has gotten worse. I feel rotten and the scale is well, right where it should be.

I use to love the traveling journal at WW. One person took it and recorded their intake for a week. I always had great days and a loss after that week. Well I have also had a person here that I reported my intake too and that was good for awhile. I have no idea what I need. It seems I have an idea only to have it be thrown in the trash days later because it is another failed attempt. WHAT TO DO? I am not seeking answers, but rather I am just frustrated. I guess this is what has happened. I had the time before to take really good care and the belief that I was worth it. Now I have put myself lower on my list (thinking that is the “healthy” thing to do - not focus on food) and it is hellish.

What to do? Well I have gone away from Buddyslim because like myself I have put it lower on my list. Well I think these are poor ideas and I am putting us both at the top again. I know I do not want to record my food, but I am going to journal my food like I have done on my blog before, again. I do not know for how long, but I want to see some results. I really admire many of you who seem so good at just doing and being all Zen with your consumption, but I am not.

My Goals for blogging my intake:

To not aim for a perfectionist view of food.

I want to eat normal and healthy for me.

To eat when I am hungry and learn the signals. I do not want to binge, but eating one thing for emotional reasons seems ok to me. Just feel it, enjoy and move on to a new activity, this seems good. See it, feel it and learn from it.

See and feel how great balance is.

I STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME. But I guess I need to use this site my way. So my blog may be boring, but it has to be my way. I do not have the time or energy to express my days events or feelings. I just can not put myself out there when people I know personally read this.

Dear Master: I write this entry because I am tired of the poor choices and I hope that by being more thoughtful of my food choices I will begin to feel happy and see beneficial results. I am tired of my sore joints and poor energy level. I REALLY do not want to write to you about my food intake because I feel like a failure, but I need to make a better choice for myself and though this is not ideal, it is for me. And this blog is for me. I want to see results.

MY INTAKE:

Breakfast: 1 c. plain unsweetened yogurt w/ a dash of stevia, 1/2 banana, 1 large strawberry

3/4 c. sugar-free vanilla mousse

Lunch: 1 c. Corn w/ chipotle soup, 1 slice WW whole wheat bread w/ cheese (my guess- about 1.5 oz) and fried egg white (Pam), salsa, 2 black licorice

FitSmart energy bar, 2 fat free fudge brownies (amaranth/pumpkin/applesauce) - yes I made some better ones today. David suggested I could make some yesterday (though he was ready to eat the crap ones before I threw them out) but I told him that I was done “cooking” …lol I would have said that if he wanted them so bad he could make them and then I realized he would have made them TOO good….lol Anyways, we do not have butter and it is too damn cold to go to the store for BUTTER!!!

(Interesting… I definately have gotten in my calcium today, lol ….. Now that I think back, I have been not taking so many calcium rich foods. Interesting how I just naturally chose those. Still, I wanted to stop the emotional tendencies towards food. Better, not perfect, but better choices is what I am aiming for. Also I need grains for breakfast. It could have been why I was reaching for the high energy foods later.)

Club soda w/ lime juice, can of mushrooms

Supper: Salad, 3/4 c. chickpeas/green peas and brown rice, 3 oz. salmon, an orange (no more mousse for me, I already ate mine ), lol… yeh right! I needed a little sweetness, life is too short to skip dessert. One brownie (80 cal.) with a couple T. of vanilla mousse NOW there is a conclusion to the meal !

And another thing, why is it that I have trouble acting sick. Despite feeling like crap, I still feel the need to do the laundry, clean and cook. I hate a mess! I say it is relaxing, but I guess I should just go read my book or sleep. That is likely what I really need. Duh!

*rolling eyes* day………………………….

ALSO……Had 2 oz. of Chardonnay and a chamomile tea after supper

My weight has slowly been going up since Christmas. And now I sit at 161. I have been freaking everytime I get on the scale and it determines my mood completely. This is not good for me. So, my dear boyfriend and I are weighing in once a week (this will be really hard for me because it has become a little/big unproductive habit) and Sunday is hard, but what ever. The day really does not matter as I figure I have weighed in on all the days officially and ALL THAT MATTERS is living each day and BEING REASONABLE. Last night we both wanted pizza and knowing that I would be weighing in, it did give me a nervous feeling for a minute. But then it occurred to me, I do not want to live in fear of the scale. So, I ate my two pieces of vegetarian pizza (would have had chicken but it was not an option) and I was famished yesterday so we shared the best piece of pie. No guilt, shear pleasure to just share! It was fun and relaxing. Finished supper and I had nothing else after. Just tea, oh and a maltitol peppermint candy. It felt good to go to bed satisfied and not having anything in my stomach. The meal felt complete so why would I need anything more! (BTW, very cool to see that Stevia and alcohol sugars were mentioned on The View the other day as being the “new” sweeteners….lol Nice to see some good alternatives to the really old and not so healthy.)

Sure it sucked to change my ticker, but I did not change it the previous couple times. I just tried to get back. Then somedays it is really low, like yesterday I felt like I maintained. LOL - Whatever! I am going to really take some of the wise words of many of my buddies and not be so concerned about that scale. I want to do the best that I can and enjoy each moment. Activity is my best pal and will ultimately get me to my goal and will help me maintain. I know I will get there someday! I know food/beverages/salt so well and what will do what to my body but I just want to be, yes, level-headed.

I think that I have to not be here so much. I do not even know what this means.  I love this place. I feel like you ladies are the only people who understand me. It is a weird thing to feel like you always have a good friend when you come onto this site. Well, it has been busy and it is going to continue to be this way. So I have to change my priorities a little. I just am letting somethings go in my life and it is causing some stress. I know it is small, but it makes me crazy when the place becomes a disaster or I do not even cook so much. Though I did create a great new soup….. will share in a moment

So, being focussed on my weight loss and this site has not gotten me to where I want to be. Not sure where this is, but I have to try and not think about the numbers. I know what I need to do. I am getting hives just thinking about change….. I hate change. But watching a tough and interesting movie last night (Black Snake Moan) I realized that change is possible. Incidently, looking for a different movie and a great one, JUNO ! Amazing movie. It better win big at any and all the awards…. Look at me change the subject. Oh yeh I am the Queen at this one.

So, what does this mean? Well I am setting no restrictions so I will be here when I can. You all are so wonderful and I am so thankful for you. But I think I avoid my life because this place is safe. That seems a little “off” to me. I do not know what any of the answers are, but I will just aim for the unknown, try and change for the better and maybe I can feel good about my life. No fear LOL ladies, I will still be here because I have made commitments to some. This is one of the most important things/places I have ever stumbled upon. Thank you for bringing me into the light, sharing your stories and providing endless support. Where would I be without this place? Yikes. *hugs*

The soup, a creamed celery and mushroom soup. I blended brown mushrooms (could be white, but I find the brown are more flavorful), celery and then I used organic chicken stock in blender and it was SO creamy! It never did separate like I thought it might. Lightly sated some onions and garlic in a pot, and then added the blended veggies (could use what ever veggies), herbs (dill, thyme, basil, lots of pepper, a little sea salt), then more cut up mushrooms, celery. I added separate bunches of the celery at different times so there was different levels of tenderness. I like a bit of crunch, that is just me. But cooked celery always tastes so good to me. Then I added more stock, 1/4 cup of grated Asiago cheese and 1/6 of a cup of milk powder. I kept the temperature of the pot at medium and cooked things relatively quickly and did not cook too long. Wanted to keep as many nutrients still present by not cooking it too high or for too long. YUM! - the whole pot of soup was 5 points!!! Made 2 servings

I adjusted my ticker and I am not discouraged because I feel pretty much the same with only a little poofiness here and there. Twas the season to let go a bit and that was fine. Nuts, cheese, loved the really good wine I picked out, chocolate. I have to say, the cookies and squares that I have loved in the past, I did not love as much. I need to remember this for the future. I did not indulge in these past loves as much and this is just a sign of how much I have changed over the past year. I recognize I still have loves, but even milk chocolate leaves me unsatisfied and wanting, wanting wanting. And even more milk chocolate does not ever satisfy it. So, I am trying to say NO to the milk chocolate.

George surprised me and so did my love for a new red wine. Last night David and I enjoyed some good conversation and discovered the joy of slightly more expensive wine along with a nice old cheese. Now not exactly diet food. We are making this along with some fruit, dark chocolate and maybe a nicely prepared protein our monthly or bi-monthly treat. We REALLY loved the combination and the experience of the quality. WOW….. a good way to bring in the New Year and necessary considering all the stress that has been hovering over this month. Good times. We did not even know it was officially the New Year until we heard the cheers from outside, downtown.

So, not exactly clean eating, but those are a few of my treat foods to be enjoyed. Clean eating is a manner or eating well with no chemicals, added sugars and bad fats and this is something I continue with. Well let’s be serious, I start up because the “holidays” have been hindering the clean eating plan. I am going to continue with the exercise that has been so good for me. I also in the New Year begin to work on some other areas of my life that are a little shabby. My goal is to be less sad, less sorry, less angry at myself and more forward, organized and happy with my requests. People may be hearing such things as “with all due respect, I request that you mind your own business because I have other things to think about other then your petty and unnecessary ideas of how my life would be better in your eyes. Think more about your life and less about mine, please.” LOL… shit like this never goes over well. People usually need less words in order to catch the drift. What ever. I use to be better in the moment. As my therapist asked me this year, “what is it that you most use to like about yourself?” Oh yeh. Now I remember. Confidence. This I use to to have. I am tired of the claws out there. But it does not work to fight back. It only works to use my words with a gentle force that wakes people up to the person I have always been. Sleeping for a time, but ready to make this life of her’s a bit better…..This is my year.

With the loss of weight and thoughts of diet and exercise I have come to better place then I have been. But this is not everything of course. This year is about finding me and learning about my passions and limitless heart and power. I feel a little overwhelmed and excited too.

Tea Cheers to all. Happy New Year !!! *wink*

[Diet related info: I am doing a 10 day detox to start my year off.  ]

(I gained…. just working out. Butt exercises, elliptical and some wonderful walking and a nice day. It is so warm today…hehe)

Well, life is going well. I have been reasonable and I am progressing. One example. The insurance guy comes by 2 days ago (why do I give him money? May have to assess soon.) and sees the elliptical. He assumed that my boyfriend is the healthy one who uses it. WHAT? This man does not even know that I am the one using it and David uses it about once every 2 months. *Sigh* Must not rely on others to bring me up and at the same time, they must not be allowed to bring me down. I remember this for the coming weeks. Perhaps I will make a T-shirt :

Some words are better left to enter and then exit my head!

Phenomenal woman

beaUtiful !!! (Need to explain why I do the capital “U”. For me, beauty is about more then a pretty face or a stunning dress on a great body. Beauty is about the special and loving self that is inside all of us. When we love and are so kind and are not afraid to let that love show, I say that is true beauty. And so I use beaUtiful to describe that level of beauty that is beyond the superficial and the runway. It is so often as I have seen, every single one of you! That is why we are here. We give and we give and then we receive the words, concern and love of others. This is Buddyslim. And it is beaUtiful too…. of course a loss in pounds, that is beyond even beaUtiful. Tis beaUtiful and healthy.)

I will not forget where I have been and where I am going.

Work in progress, but still pretty damn fine.

This man who I gave money to is nothing compared to the family. I think everything will be great this month, because I am different. I am so thankful for you strong and wonderful ladies who inspire me over and over.

So many of you remind me with your words that it is not about being perfect or having an ideal day. It is about the courage to just believe in me. And keep progressing. There is no one step, two step back that will keep me from moving forward.

So, my client (her daughter really) gave out gifts to the caregivers yesterday. A huge tray of the most beautiful nuts. YUM. Now my first thought is, wow….pounds. Then I see the most beautiful bow. The green that is my favorite and I love it. I know me…I will never let go of this bow. It is so beautiful and simple and me. Green.

I love giving so much. I know I went overboard as I often do, but I just love giving. It seems to be the best thing. I know for myself, it is the secret gifts that make me warm and all child like. I love this time of year. Just in the moment and loving me. Love you all. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you everyone for your comments.  I have not been good.  My eating lately has not been about seasonal food.  I feel myself sliding and I just have not been where I want to be, not even close.  No gory details.  I am just feeling the need to come to the only place I know where people get me.  No judgment.  No one saying ahh who cares, you are little.  The thing is, it is scary when you have come so far and seen so much improvement and then you go and have some bad days/weeks and also clothes that were loose are suddenly tight.  Well, I am dusting myself off and aiming for a good week.  I am not adjusting the scale today, but I will be weighing in Wednesday (ticker will go up…I am aware and expecting this) and Friday.  No excuses.  Oh and I am wearing the tight clothes as to not forget that I do not want to outgrow them.  Cheers to us.

*dreaming of that warm vacation already…wink wink*

So, I feel like I am getting practiced up for the holidays by using the American Thanksgiving to test out my will power. Craziness I tell ya. Well one thing is for sure, in the last couple years I have been so much more aware of what I am putting in my mouth and I thank WW for this. I really would be lost with out the idea of portions. But a day like yesterday all reason seemed to go out the window. Well I am reasonable more often then not and I want so much for myself so I start new. There is nothing like the challenge of a weekend to get you revved up! lol Then there are the Roughriders (Saskatchewan’s football team) who have made it to the Grey Cup. Now I am a hockey fan not a football fan, but I am psyched. Very neat. So I am off to workout and then get busy on making Christmas presents. Not sure what to make guys when it comes to beads. ??? I may actually have to step foot into the malls WHICH ARE ALREADY CRAZY BUSY !!!

After a crap couple of days, LOVE my potty mouth this fine Saturday AM, I started out with a healthy breakfast and am now off to work out on the elliptical for as long as I can. I can never go long after a heavy food day the day before, but we shall see how it goes.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Note to Self:

Healthy food

Water

Activity

A Good Attitude

Good Sleep

Food Log

[Meeshka and I both love hard boiled egg whites….. When she gets a little she always thinks it’s Christmas….hehe]